Just Because You're Paranoid (Part Seven)

We didn't call team meetings. Ever. If we weren't scheduled to meet up and do things, we really didn't hang out much at all. I did with Ruth and Hisako did with Eddie, but we rarely comingled aside from that.

I idly noted that the last two times we had all met up outside of official Paladin business, I had been the one to make the summons.

I wanted to think that we all just had different schedules throughout the day and whatnot, but those were just excuses. The fact was, we were not as close as we could have been or should have been. I had been with them long enough for that to be worked on, but we never did for one reason or another.

There was a distance that wasn't being shortened. I didn't expect one little powwow to fix it immediately, but any progress was to be lauded in this case. It was overdue.

"So what's up, Bel?" Eddie asked after we had found a place to sit and get comfortable. We had all changed back into our regular clothes and gathered at some of the tables outside of the cafeteria.

"I thought of something back at the assembly," I said to everyone with me, "I think we have a few blocks keeping us from being as good as we can be."

"And you have a solution?" Hisako asked. I nodded confidently, "I'm so sure."

"Feel free to be as sarcastic as you want after you hear me out!" I chirped back positively.

Eddie leaned over and tried to quietly urge her on, "Come on, Hisako. It's Bel."

"I know," She said. I put on my most pathetic face. It was as far as I was willing to go. I wasn't going to beg. Thankfully, it worked, "...Fine. Make it count. I'm all ears."

Whoo! Foot in the door! I'll take that inch and the mile behind it, thank you.

I threw an arm around Ruth's shoulders to try and comfort her. If she hadn't known what I had planned when I called for the meeting, she likely knew now. She was nervous, "I know you've read all of our minds," She shrunk into herself at what she saw as an accusation, "It's okay with me. I don't think it's on purpose, and even if it is... well, I don't really have anything to hide. But if you've done that, I need you to tell me some stuff about all of us. Myself included."

Everyone made to say something, but I held a hand up and waited for Ruth to speak first. Her hands balled up tightly at the bottom of her blouse as her head was held down, "She wants to help. Whatever Bellamy wants to know, she can tell you," She admitted quietly before shaking her head, "But... she won't say anything. Not if it gets the others angry with her."

Hisako took the opportunity to let her feelings be felt, "I don't know what you're getting at with all of this, Bel," She said, staring at me across the table, "But I definitely don't like the idea of my personal stuff getting out there to the rest of you."

I didn't think it would be easy to get them all to go along with it, but I was prepared to make concessions, "I think this will help bring us closer together, work together better. If it doesn't work, and we still stink up the joint, after Field Day, I'll let you kick me in the nuts," I said, looking her dead in the eyes.

"Deal."

No hesitation whatsoever. I didn't know how to feel about that. I mean, I got what I wanted, but she was way too willing to go along with it. In any event, it moved things along, "Eddie?"

"Do I get the same deal?" He asked, looking incredible wary at the thought of spilling his brains to the rest of us, even in a secondhand manner, "I don't want to do this for nothing."

"It won't be for nothing, but two of you aren't kicking me in the balls," I told him. Hisako looked too smug for her own good at that, "That's a one-person deal. What else can I do?"

He hesitated at first, but eventually he leaned across the table so he could whisper something to me that he didn't want anyone else to hear. What he told me was pretty surprising, but in the end, it wasn't something that was impossible. Just unlikely. I would have to put in some work to make that happen, but if things went well, I wouldn't have to do anything at all.

This was going to work.

In the end, I agreed, "I think I can do that. I'll give it my best shot if it comes down to it," He seemed mollified by that and nodded his consent. Good, "Alright. For the sake of complete transparency, let's start with me. Ruthie, when you've looked into my head, what do you see? Who am I?"

"Bellamy wants to be important. He came to the Institute because he saw it as a chance to be more than just a normal person. A chance for people to look at him and think he has worth. Bellamy wants people to like him, but doesn't know how. No. It makes him angry that he doesn't know how to approach others to make a good first impression, so he believes impressing them with what he can do will bring more people to him. He wants to be a leader. He wants people to look up to him."

I let what she said sink in before launching straight into the next question, "And what am I afraid of, more than anything else?" This was my bright idea, after all. I had better have been game for it.

"That you are not worth it. That if you get people to believe in you, you will let them all down. That if you are put into a situation where others are depending on you, you will get them hurt," She paused and swallowed before she finished, "...Like you think you let me get hurt."

I should have been better. I would be better. That was what flashed through my mind as quick as a bolt of lightning. But that wasn't what was important at the moment.

"It's okay," I told her. Just a little positive reinforcement went a long way when it came to Ruth using her powers. Information was powerful, I needed her to know that, "Lastly, what do I think of everyone on the team?"

"Bellamy thinks we are the best, or that we can be," Ruth said aloud. Her demeanor brightened up considerably, "He is very proud of the Paladins. Even me," I gave her a sharp nudge, pulling a confused hum out of her, "Pardon?"

"Don't do that," I told her. That kind of crap wasn't going to help her, especially if it built up for too long. I saw it too much, and it was a thing. It needed to not be, as soon as possible, "If you can't see in yourself what I see in you, I'll just have to keep working on you until you do," I looked around at everyone else, "That's kind of how I feel about all of you. If you all have to be stuck with me, I want to make it worthwhile for you."

Everyone was quiet until I shrugged at the end of what I had to say. Everyone visibly loosened up and relaxed. I didn't think they'd take what I had to say that seriously.

"That's all I've got," I said before looking around at the others, "Anyone else want to volunteer to go next, or what?"

My eyes rested on Hisako. If she thought there was some kind of conspiracy, she didn't say so. Still, no matter how she acted, she wasn't comfortable with this.

"Fine. Do me next. I don't care," Hisako said, trying to play it cooler than she actually felt. Her body language wasn't quite appropriate for someone who didn't care, "Go for it."

With permission given, Ruth cleared her throat and started in on Hisako, "Family is very important to Hisako. She misses her own back home in Japan, very much, yes, but she wants to believe that she can find something like it in us."

I looked over at the girl in question. She seemed embarrassed at that being revealed, but didn't deny any of it.

"But-," Ruth continued before I could get too far ahead of myself, "-She does not think that we can all support each other when things get bad. Some things have given her hope, but she was not there for the event that did so, so that hope is very small."

"You want people to believe in you? I want to believe in you," Hisako said to me, "Give me a reason."

Well wasn't that nice? The scamp. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I wanted to hug a tapir and puke rainbows.

"What are you afraid of?" I asked. That time, I didn't look at Ruth, expecting her to tell us. I looked right at Hisako. She didn't turn away. She faced me down directly, defiantly.

Sometimes it felt like Hisako resented me for some reason. I hoped we would get down to why it seemed like that.

She bit her lip, glared me down, and spoke her mind, "I'm afraid that all of this is too big. We're kids. And one day, we're going to have to go out and fight for our lives. Maybe save the world. Can we do that? What kind of training could possibly get you ready to handle something like that? I feel like we're going to get killed, and in the end, we won't make any sort of difference."

There was a graveyard on the Institute grounds. I had never been there personally. It was there for a reason. Not because people got sick and died. There weren't just one or two graves there in case something happened. They were there because something bad happening and lives being claimed on our side was an inevitability.

I thought of Miss Pryde, and when I'd inadvertently brought up other X-Men who... weren't with us anymore. More than likely, at least one of the two people she had told me about were dead. That made me feel like an asshole, and gave more credence to what Hisako was saying.

How many times had the X-Men come up short when it had really counted, and how many people, humans and mutants, suffered as a result? How many of their own had suffered?

We could have been sitting there all day trying to break that down without someone telling us.

"What does Hisako think of the team?" I asked, trying to move things forward.

"Eddie is her favorite," Ruth said, getting a 'hell yeah, I am' out of the person in question, "He was the first other member of the team. Before Bellamy showed up, he was the only person she felt like she could talk to. Because of this, Hisako still doesn't trust Bellamy yet."

I had figured I would get a few surprises, but hearing that Hisako didn't trust me never figured into those ideas, "What? Really?" I couldn't think of what I'd done to make that happen.

Hisako Ichiki had no problems sharing.

"I think you're a loudmouth," She said bluntly. Her eyes were locked on mine as though she were daring me to dispute any of it. No doubt, there were plenty of examples, "You're good. You're really good. But even with some of the dumb, cocksure stuff that comes out of your mouth, I think it's just talk. I think you don't even know how good you are," Well, at least there was some positive in this, "If you waited and listened sometimes instead of thinking that you have all of the answers somewhere inside that head of yours, I think we would get along better. But you always think you're right, and when you are, you're a complete ass about it."

I didn't expect anyone to come forward with what they were thinking willingly, or that extensively. And yet here we sat, and I don't think Hisako pulled any punches. The fact that Ruth wasn't saying anything else led me to believe that she was about to say something similar, likely in a much nicer way, even if it would have been just as direct.

For once, I didn't immediately have a response to something that she said. That was new.

...Maybe she had a point if that was my first thought?

"I...huh..." I fumbled around for a few moments before I decided not to go for something snappy.

There was a time and a place for everything. This wasn't it. We all needed something honest and straightforward.

Measured, well-thought out words were what would keep the ship upright, "...Okay. I can see that. If you think I run my mouth all of the time, it's kind of a matter of, well, you guys," Hisako raised an eyebrow skeptically, "I've never been in a position where I was responsible for anyone else before. I've never been on any teams. Never played sports. I don't know how to calm people down or make them believe things are okay in any other way than to convince myself that everything is under control, out loud."

Eddie's jaw was slacked open for a few seconds before he said what was on his mind, "Bro, that 'you're not crazy' thing that you were trying to convince Miss Frost about? I'm thinking there might actually be something to that."

I could deal with being called crazy, as long as it didn't affect whether people thought I was telling the truth.

"Maybe," I partially admitted, "But my mindset is, who in the hell is going to believe in you if you don't even believe in yourself?" I told them before turning directly to Hisako, "I won't change everything. I don't even think I can. But I can work on some of it. The bad parts of it. Just... instead of fighting with me on things, could you call me out on it more? That'd probably help."

"Oh I will. You don't even need to worry about that," Hisako said. Fair enough. If I had to get a telepath poking around in her head to get that out of her in the first place, I'd better damn well believe she was going to be reminding me of it whenever it came up.

I reached forward across the table with my hand extended. She regarded it for a moment before grabbing onto it and giving it a shake. The implication went unsaid, but it didn't need to be talked about. She was telling me to be better, I was telling her to hold me accountable.

That left Eddie up next. He didn't seem excited at all. Watching Hisako and I go did nothing to make him feel any better about it. We knew he would eventually, though. There was no rush. We had all day. He drummed his fingers on the table irritably before shooting his eyes over to Ruth who looked uncomfortable at the attention.

Whatever she was about to say, no matter how much he didn't like it, he had better not blame her. Blame me. I told her to do this, "Alright... go ahead."

Good man.

My blind friend took a deep breath and launched into our resident high-flyer's psychological breakdown, "Eddie wants to be an X-Man more than anything. He believes he can be the best there ever was. When he flies, he feels invincible."

"None of you would understand, man," Eddie said, leaning back in his chair, more relaxed than he'd been since we'd met up that morning for the assembly, "That control in the air. I swear, the first time I ever took off, it felt more natural than walking. I picked it up so fast. The only reason I don't fly everywhere is because the rest of you can't. It's freedom that I can't even explain. It's... the best. It's everything to me."

I understood. My powers made me feel strong, like I could handle anything, just so long as I had enough juice to make some sort of move. It wasn't hard to think that others felt something similar to that about their own. It wasn't the end-all though. Not for me.

But this was what I wanted. I wanted everyone to talk about what they were thinking and feeling without keeping hush-hush about it until it was forced out. The easier we found it to go to each other about these kinds of things, the better everything would be when we worked together. More trust. Better fields of communication. More of a desire to make things work for the people next to you. At least, that was my idea.

The first step was opening ourselves up, making ourselves vulnerable, and showing that we wouldn't drive a stake into each other at the first show of weakness or undesirable traits.

I gave Ruth a little pat on the back of her hand to let her know it was okay to keep going, following the same train of questioning that we had been using so far, "Eddie is afraid of losing his powers. The thought of having them taken away, of not being able to be here and do what he does with us anymore frightens him more than anything. Yes," She deliberately explained.

"What does he think of us?" I asked.

"I can answer that for myself," Eddie volunteered, raising his hand before speaking to all of us, "Hisako, you're my best friend. Period. But you knew that already," The Japanese girl grinned and nodded, getting a matching grin out of Eddie as well before he turned to me, "I like Bellamy too. You're a little intense and fuck if I know how the wiring in your head works. Sometimes I think you've got brain stew sloshing around up there."

I couldn't dispute that. Nor did I necessarily want to. I didn't see that as a bad thing, "Eh. It's worked so far," I said with a shrug.

"Right. It works. As a team, we get along, and we have fun, right?" It was then that the good vibes disappeared. He sighed deeply and looked over at our little telepath, Ruth. I could tell right then, this wouldn't be great, "And for you. I know you're nice. I think you're weird though. And you seeing the future scares the crap out of me, because you never see anything good. Like, 'oh, Eddie's going to find $10,000 tomorrow,' or, 'Bel's going to get laid in six months.' Never anything like that. It's always fire and brimstone."

Things were getting a little too heavy, even for what I wanted, "I take offense to the 'six months' thing," I said, trying to lighten the mood a little. That was usually Eddie's job though. I wasn't as good at it, "I'm pretty sure I could make it happen sooner than that if I wanted to. Maybe."

Hisako sent me a grateful look for trying. I wasn't sure how well it actually worked, though, because it didn't change the content of what Eddie was saying.

Credit to him, he didn't shy away from what he was saying, or try to sugarcoat it. This really wasn't the time or the place for that, "I feel like if I hang out around you for long enough, you'll see something that'll happen to me. Something really bad. And I don't want to know. That's why I stay away from you."

Because Ruthie's premonitions always came true. Always. She saw a clear enough picture for the most part to get what was going on, but she never saw enough to let anyone know how to stop it. I still had yet to find a way to make that work for her.

And speaking of whom, it was her turn.

"Alright, that's everyone except for one," I said. Ruth moved away from me and shifted around in her seat. Come on. I needed her to talk to us, "We needed you to do the honors last because you were the one who had to read the rest of us. So I'll just say, we won't really be able to tell if you're not telling the truth. This is going to take a little trust from us, here."

Hearing everyone else go first was supposed to soften her up enough to make it easier for her. None of us had any way of verifying if what she was saying was the truth, so I hoped all of us getting our business put out there would show her that everything would be fine.

Ruthie was braver than I gave her credit for. It didn't take much coaxing at all for her to start in on herself.

"Pardon, she has no reason to lie to you," Our blind, oftentimes confusing teammate said, "She... has never felt useful. Not now. Not before she came to the Institute either, no. She does not take pride in her powers the way the rest of you do, because they never help."

She wasn't dumb, and she wasn't deaf. She had ears. As did I. People didn't just avoid Ruth because they were afraid they would be the subjects of one of her visions, some of them were of the mindset that being around her would cause the awful things she foresaw to happen to them, as though she were bad luck.

If she had eyes, I knew that they would be watering. I could hear it in her voice, "Yes, she is afraid that no one likes her. That her only friends spend time with her just because they have to. Sorry," Her head was down to hide the fact that her lip was quivering. I felt terrible, "She feels like she is letting everyone down during missions and making them hate her even more."

Hisako was over beside her before I could even say anything, "We don't hate you," She said, gathering Ruth up into a hug, "Why would you say that? I know you didn't read that off of anyone here."

Eddie rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. Girls crying, even if you couldn't necessarily see tears from Ruth, always made it awkward for guys who didn't know how to respond. I was right there with him, "No. I mean, yeah, I think you're weird and you freak me out a lot, but I don't hate you. Are you kidding?"

My reaction was a bit more reserved.

I stayed where I was, sat off to the side, pulling my hat down over my head, "If you need me to tell you that I like you at this point, I need more work on my people skills than I thought I did." I told her.

Honestly, it irritated me that I had to say it more than anything else. We had to find a way to fix all of that negative shit she had going on. That was another story for another time though.

…Good lord, was it ever.

That aside, this was what I wanted for the most part. I wanted everyone to see that we didn't have any plots and schemes. We didn't want anything at the expense of someone else.

I clapped my hands together to get everyone's attention, "I want us to be as awesome as I know we are," I said, "It doesn't matter that there are just four of us. I don't think we can be the best, I know we can be. Do you?"

I looked at Eddie as I said that. He seemed offended at the thought that he would accept being a loser, "Of course."

He wanted it, probably more than I did.

"This is going to be a lot of work," I said, getting up and starting to walk around the table, "We're all different. Really different, if you haven't realized that until now. But there isn't any reason we can't make this work. I want to," Stopping behind Ruth, I set my hands on her shoulders, "I like who we have and what we have going for us. Do you?"

Hisako looked over at me from where she was now sitting next to Ruth, "I never had any problems with anyone else, and I just told you that I thought you were good. Does that answer the question?"

"It does," I gave her what I hoped was a smile that showed how comfortable I was with everyone, "Now… who's up for embarrassing all of the other teams? Do we all get gaudy-ass trophies for winning?"

"Oh yeah," Hisako confirmed with a laugh.

"No one else gets any bullshit 'you did your best' participation trophies?" I asked as a follow-up question.

"Nope," Eddie said, popping the 'p' sound, "Plus, the winners are plastered all over the yearbook at the end of the school year."

The smile on my face pulled at my lips so hard, I'm sure it looked like some kind of expression of diabolical glee, "Well if I wasn't sold on this whole thing before, I definitely am now," The only thing better than winning was when it lingered, and other people couldn't get away from the fact that you had won, "Alright, now that we're all on the same page, we need to come up with some cool team shit to show we're cohesive."

If Hisako had been onboard before, she had fallen off of the wagon right there, "What, winning isn't enough?" Clearly, someone was too cool for squad bonding.

I scoffed as though it were obvious. Eddie backed me up by rolling his eyes and answering for me, "Of course not. They need to realize that we're an unstoppable force. We need a catchphrase like 'Paladin up', or something that's not lame. Ooh! Bel! Some kind of long, elaborate team handshake. What do you got?"

I stared at Eddie flatly for a few seconds before responding, "Alright, I'm going to assume that you wanted me to come up with a handshake because this was my idea, and not because I'm black."

That notion was quickly shot down by the air-capable redhead, "No, it's definitely because you're black," He said, completely casually.

Well, at least he was honest about it, "…I'm not even offended, because I do have ideas," I said, jumping over to him to start practicing, "Here. It's front-back-front-front-rotate-slide-."

He held his hands up to stop me before I had even gotten into it, "Wait-wait-wait, slow down. It's front-back what?"

"I'm showing you. Watch what I'm doing. All of that stuff was just the start of it." "Like I said, it's front-back-front-front-rotate-slide…"

I was pumped. I was psyched up and ready to go. Dare I say, I was excited to be a part of Field Day.

Team chemistry was a work in progress that I felt was coming along. We had all sat down and had a much needed talk, of which I figured this would not be the last.

I was getting my ducks in a row in every way that I could see.

So why the hell did I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I was brushing off something important?