Are Memories Enough?

Gathering herself close, her arms wrapped around her body, Jay Yi inhaled the air thick with the remnants of the euphoric day left behind by the three days long grand Procession. A profusion of odour still lingered in the air: animals, humans, flowers, grass, food, alcohol, smoke.

The night had advanced swiftly. The mad rush of the day had transitioned into a surprisingly tranquil night, getting quieter as she walked towards her affluent neighbourhood where the inhabitants were known to retire early, irrespective of the season.

The dark evenings often had more unsavoury elements, and Jay Yi's senses were a little more aware. While she was confident of swiftly disabusing anyone of the notion they could rob her, she still avoided venturing alone after dark.

 Or perhaps, her senses were a little more heightened because she was hurting so much.

All I am saying is if there is a will, there is a way. If he wanted to meet you, he would have. He would have found a way.

 Mun Jeon's words hit too close to home.

Seven months earlier, Jay Yi and Ga-ram had left Gaeseong with the troops guarding the residents who wanted to return to Hanyang, while Hwan's entourage had followed with Royal guards, the army, and the prisoners.

She felt tears prickle at the back of her eyes. Hwan had never tried to meet her, even once, after they left the hilltop in Gaeseong.

 Jay Yi had turned down Sung On's offer to stay with his family until she found accommodation, choosing to stay with Ga-ram and her brother. One day, Tae Kang had appeared at their door, ordered her to follow him, and took her to a villa almost as big as half of the Eastern Palace, handing her a key and letter from the Crown Prince – a simple, beautifully written letter in Hwan's exquisite calligraphy that thanked her for protecting him, and that he wished her well for her future. It was as formal as any official letter, with only one thing setting it apart - a line - she had promised she would stay safe, and he expected her to keep her word.

The uncounted days she spent being the shadow of the Crown Prince were now frozen in time, the faces blurring, yet the emotions as vivid as if they happened yesterday. 

The moments spent in Gaeseong with Hwan were the beads of memories she cherished more than any precious gem in the world.

When Jay Yi, grief gnawing away her core at the loss of the man she loved as a brother, had run down the hill that night in Gaeseong, Hwan followed her. He had let her cry it out before giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze of empathy. 

 "Shim Young might have loved you as a woman, but if the monk had not poisoned his brain, he would not have hurt you. I truly believe that" he had soothed her gently.

 "Did you know, Your Highness, I am alive today because of all he taught me?" Jay Yi could barely speak. 

 Together, they absorbed the sweet chill of the lake, a serene calmness enhancing their innate bond, their hearts beating in harmony as they trod its length, silently grieving those they had lost physically and metaphorically. 

They had spotted a pair of swans frolicking in the lake playfully, their luminous moonlit silvery bodies moving in tandem as they swam together, dipped their beaks, and entwined their head with each other lovingly, their elongated, cylindrical, elegant necks moulding into a shape that resembled a human heart as they twirled in perfect symphony. 

Jay Yi's mood had lifted, her heart brimming with sudden joy and gratitude for the time she had been granted to be with the man she would gladly sacrifice a lot to spend the rest of her life with. "Gaeseong is famous for swans, Your Highness. Each year they flock to this lake. Some of them come during the cherry blossoms. Others come when the land becomes fluff with snow. Then there are a few who never leave."

"Jay Yi, did you know swans mate for life?" Hwan's voice was husky.

"Yes, Your Highness. If a swan loses its partner, they are known to show signs of deep grief and sorrow, sometimes even a lack of will to live." 

The air went still as they looked over at the gracefully gliding birds, their drawn-out breathing signifying they both knew they were no longer talking about the swans. 

"There must be more of them!" Jay Yi refused to think of the morrow, determined to seize the rest of her time with Hwan and lock it away in her heart for eternity. 

Jay Yi had walked him to the deserted hut that the women had used as hideouts at times, the dark contour of the forsaken but proud structure a telling piece of untold tales - of adventure, courage, and determination. Hwan had shaken his head in amazement, still incredulous at how boundless Jay Yi's escapades had been.

At one point, Hwan stopped, and she followed his gaze. He was transfixed, looking at his silhouette that the moon had painted with precision upon the ground. Jay Yi's lips curved into an involuntary smile. She drew nearer to him. Unlike before, he did not move away. Instead, putting an arm around her shoulder, he gently pulled her closer. Their silhouettes created a perfect swan-like symmetry on the canvas of the lake's shoreline. 

 "Min Jay Yi, you have been like the moon illuminating everything around me during the dark of the night, chasing away the ghosts. The moon comes out every night, so I will think of you every day, too," Hwan had said softly, his voice inexplicably hoarse.

Hanyang had been a cold dash of reality that had ended the dreamlike sequence of Gaeseong. She had thrown herself into making a life she could be proud of, clutching onto the memories thinking they would be enough. In the beginning, a sound would startle her, a scent would send her senses into a riot, a sight of familiar colour would make her dash after it in hopes somehow it would take her to Hwan; the wind, the sun, the shadows, even the swirl of water - everything reminded her of him. As days passed, she became used to the constant ache in her heart and the void in her life. 

He looked magnificent during the Procession, his radiant smile telling her he had not forgotten her. Her heart had danced. Today, she had walked miles just to catch another fleeting glimpse again. She knew he was now entirely out of her reach, yet her yearning grew worse. No matter how pleased he might have seemed at seeing her, she knew he had let her go, and she had to let him go too.

Jay Yi's steps faltered as she looked at the shadow under her feet, staring back at her. "Do you remember me when you see the moon, Your Majesty?" She whispered, her cheeks now wet with tears that refused to stay contained no matter how hard she tried to blink them away.

 "Min Jay Yi, do you not know once your family loses political power in Joseon, you are reduced to an insignificant nobody?" Mun Jeon had argued earlier at the Inn. "You have no family, no political importance, and no money. What use would a man like Scholar Park have of you?"

"Do you think I don't know that?" Jay Yi had snapped, but something had shrivelled inside her.

"Then why do you not consider those people for whom none of those things matter?" 

"Let me tell you something, Master Mun. None of those things mattered to my fiancé, the good man Sargent Sung On, either. He or his esteemed family did not break the engagement; I did. What part of - I do not want to consider anyone – do you not understand?" 

 Jay Yi had watched Mun Jeon's mouth fall open in astonishment with great satisfaction.

Which, unfortunately, had not lasted long. 

But they matter to Scholar Park, don't they?

Mun Jeon's question had met with silence from Jay Yi. 

Her fingers dug into her arms deeper. The truth was, she had nothing to offer Hwan. Consequently, what else could she expect for daring to love the most unattainable man in all of Joseon but heartbreak? The faster she made peace with it, the better it would be for everyone.

Yet, she waited. 

She looked up at the sky, shaking a finger, "you better come out tomorrow morning!" she scolded the still-slumbering sun in despair. 

 She could hear some voices some distance away. Not wanting anyone to see her in a heaving mess of tears, she turned into an alleyway to lick her wounds in private. 

 Moments later, she realised she had been followed. She whirled around, all her defensive senses high on alert. She ran her arm across her face to get rid of the wetness.

Dressed in coarse clothes, faces covered by masks, two figures cornered her. 

 "What do you want?" Jay Yi's body had grown as taut as an arrow as she gauged the surroundings. The figures were lithe, a little over average height. She did not see any weapons, which did not mean they were unarmed. 

 "Give us your moneybag," One of them said in a low growl. 

 With deliberate movements, she held out her money bag. One of them stepped forward. 

 Jay Yi swiftly pivoted and whipped her foot in a precision kick to her assailant's face. 

 To her surprise, the man cleanly avoided it by bending back like a bamboo shoot. But instead of using the opportunity to attack her, the men turned around and headed for the exit. Jay Yi ran after them, yelling. 

 She grabbed onto the shirt of the thief closer to her. He turned around, forcing her to let go of his clothes, but instead of pushing her, he swiftly sidestepped her. She swung her hand in a chop to his breastbone; he swiftly evaded that as well. But Jay Yi was ready. She dropped to the ground and swept her leg in an arc, taking his legs cleanly off the road as he fell in a thud. Whipping out her knife, she jabbed him in the thigh, just enough to cut him without disabling him, a whelp of pain piercing the deadly quiet of the night.

"You chose to mess with the wrong person!" Jay Yi was furious, channelling all her desperation of the evening into taking down these ruffians. 

 The other one turned around and came to his accomplice's aid, dragging him by the collar to lift him. Jay Yi jumped and kicked the man with full force on his chest, sending him sprawling on his back. However, the strength of her kick threw her off as well. Before she could catch her breath, he lifted his legs high in the air, rolled them over his head and stood up in one fluid motion. 

 The other injured man was back on his legs. He whipped his hand and caught the rim of Jay Yi's hat, dragging it forward. It got stuck on the knot on top of her head. The mesh of the hat covered her face, blinding her momentarily. She instinctively whipped out an arc with her knife in protection, only to cut through the empty air. Impatiently she pushed her hat up, but it was stuck. She yanked at it, her hat finally coming off at her irritable tug. Tossing it to the ground, she took off after the thug, who was limping away as fast as he could with his partner. They almost collided with a man running at them with great speed. The new arrival tried to grab hold of one of them, but they skirted him neatly and disappeared into the night. 

 She skidded to a stop as she came face to face with Mun Jeon. "Are you all right, Min Jay Yi?" 

 "What are you doing here?" She looked up at Mun Jeon's worried face. 

"Did they hurt you?" 

Jay Yi shook her head. "They were only after some money. I have injured one of them. Sheesh! I should have caught them!"

"You should not do that. There could be more of them."

Jay Yi looked at him, "Why are you here?" She repeated. "Did you follow me?"

Mun Jeon had the grace to look sheepish. "I just wanted to make sure you reached home safe."

"Master Mun, please do not follow me home, ever. Please leave."

Mun Jeon did not argue. He bowed and turned around.

Jay Yi watched him walk away before slipping inside the alley once more. 

 -

Her petite figure looked even smaller, hunched, and forlorn in the cold of the night. 

 "Should we be here, Your Majesty?" Tae Kang asked worriedly. "Our men are all along this road. She will be safe." 

 There was no pause in Hwan's stride as he resolutely matched Jay Yi's much shorter stride from a distance that would not catch her attention, at least not until she crossed the bridge and entered her neighbourhood. 

 His steps, however, faltered as Jay Yi stopped, her shoulders heaving. 

 She was sobbing. Hwan's heart cracked, and he froze. He had never figured out what to do when she cried other than to order her to stop. 

 They watched in silence as she shook a finger to the sky. 

 "What is she doing?" Tae Kang asked, perplexed. 

 "Cursing me," Hwan said quietly as Tae Kang's mouth gaped open. 

 "I will never understand…" he muttered under his breath. 

 "What are they doing?" Hwan suddenly exploded furiously. 

 Tae Kang looked up to see Jay Yi disappear into a small alley, followed by silhouettes of two figures. 

 "I don't know…..that's Choi Jung and Moo Yung....they are supposed to be hidden.." Tae Kang's voice trailed off in confusion.

 They could hear the faint noises of a skirmish. The two men flew out of the alley with a deer-footed Jay Yi in hot pursuit. Soon one of them spent the next few minutes dodging Jay Yi's blows until an intelligent manoeuvre by Jay Yi brought him down with a painful howl, while a well-timed kick to the chest landed the other one on his back. It was not enough to keep the men down, though.

Hwan could only watch in amazement, his irate look at Tae Kang's sheepish face full of reluctant amusement. And pride.

From his periphery, Hwan saw a familiar man running towards Jay Yi. Mun Jeon, he thought sourly. Hwan swiftly stepped into the shadows of the closest alley, pulling Tae Kang Kang with him. 

 "Call them!" Hwan ordered. 

 Tae Kang let out a soft bird call. 

 The two men appeared from behind a wall and joined Hwan and Tae Kang. 

 "What do you think you were doing?" Ice dripped from Hwan's low growl. 

 "Forgive us, Your Majesty!" They whispered in unison, their eyes popping out as they realised they were facing the ire of their King in person. "She suddenly disappeared in the alley. She has never done it before. It was dark, and we could not see her." 

 "And you thought to confront her and expose yourself so foolishly?" Tae Kang asked the two bodyguards furiously. "Was she hurt?"

 "We did not touch her, Your Majesty! We just thought looking like robbers would not look suspicious." Both men fell to their knees. 

 Hwan simply looked at them. 

 "We…we did not know she was such a good fighter," the one with the limp said under his breath, disbelief evident in his lame tone. 

Hwan grabbed the man by his collar and slammed him to the wall. "If you don't want to lose what's down there to her," Hwan said with the slightest flick of his eyes downward, "and what's up here to me," his eyebrows indicating the head, "do not go near her ever again." 

 He let go of the man, who slid down against the wall, clutching his throat, his face bleached out of blood. 

"Send them for training. I don't want to see them for the next three months." Hwan paused. Then he tossed a bag of coins to the terrified man. "Get your wound treated."

The men disappeared as quietly into the night as they appeared. 

 Hwan sighed. What was he going to do with her? 

"Who injures their own bodyguards!" Tae Kang grumbled.

Hwan looked at him irritably. "Does she know they are her bodyguards, you idiot?"

"Why do we not tell her then?" Tae Kang suggested hesitantly, his voice almost inaudible. 

Hwan gave him a dark look and turned away.

Because that would give her hope for a future he was not sure he could give her. 

 Feeling even more wretched than at the start of this disastrous evening, Hwan stepped out of the shadows and found himself staring at the end of a blade that was neither a knife nor a sword.