chapter 6 - towel

Zack's POV: 

I rush into the bathroom, unsure about whether to come in or not. The only thing i am sure about is that Amelia is not okay. Although i doesn't know why i think that, something in my intuition is screaming at me to check on her.

The first thing i see is her sat on the shower floor with her legs up to her chest. From across the room i can see that she's shivering and gasping. I moves to the shower, opening the door and climbing in. I don't know what to do; i want to take her out of the shower, but then i would have to touch her naked, and that would probably be a major trigger for her. Amelia opens her eyes, they scan my face and settle looking into my eyes. I have never seen someone so scared, so alone. But i can tell she is not fragile, she's not broken. She needs someone to be there for her so she can heal herself, but i know this is easier said than done. 

"Amelia, i'm going to turn the shower off now, is that okay?" 

She groans softly, but i see her nod her head slightly. I take this as a yes and slowly turns off the shower. I kneels down infront of her so that they're on the same length. 

"Amelia, you are safe, i promise you. I will never hurt you. You are safe. You are so strong and amazing. And i know that you probably don't want me seeing you like this, but i want you to know that it is okay to lean on someone once in a while. You don't need to always look after yourself. Will you let me help you?" I ask, her face changes from a dissociative glance to consciousness.

Amelia nods. "Yes please," her voice is broken and crass, i associate the tone with hours of crying. I recognise it from my own voice.

She extends her arms into the air, letting go of her legs. They fall onto the shower tray, like she is limp, catatonic. I blink away tears. I will not cry when she is like this, not when she needs me to be strong for the both of us. I pull gently on her arms, lifting her slowly off the floor. Trying not to look at her body, i lead us both out of the shower, helping her to the closed toilet to sit on while i get a towel. 

I wrap it around her shoulders, lifting her up so it covers the cold seat to make it a bit more comfortable. Amelia doesn't make eye contact with me, she stares at the open door through to the bedroom. She shivers violently, her whole body shaking. I close the door gently, keeping my hand on the handle so it shuts with a small click. 

"Can i get another towel for your hair?" I ask her, noticing how her hair is dripping over the towel and soaking through to her skin. 

Amelia nods and looks up at me from where she sits. "Zack," she says; her eyes wide and clear, her expression peaceful. She looks down at herself. "Oh." Her eyes get darker, her brows furrowing as she frowns. "Oh," she says, tears spilling down her cheeks as she looks at me again, her voice breaking as she offers me a haunting smile. A smile that will stick with me forever, so sad and lovely that it broke me right then and there. "I'm so sorry," she says, her voice small now, quiet and far away. 

I kneel down infront of her, placing my hands onto her arms over the towel. "Amelia, do not apologize. None of this is your fault. I want you to know that you never have to apologize with me, not for this, never for this. It doesn't show you're weak, it just shows you've still got a way to go yet. I am here for you."

Amelia looks into my eyes, and i see the remencance of who she used to be; happiness, love, devotion to herself. I can see the pain too, so much of it that the good is almost gone. I know that it took me years to look in the mirror and see myself. 

"Yes to a hair towel, please," she says, her voice getting stronger. 

I smile, a relieved sigh leaves me. I pass her a smaller towel and watch her wrap it around her head. "You look like a princess."

Amelia rolls her eyes at me, but i see a smile forming across her face. "Well of course you would say that, you totally fancy me," her says, her tone serious and unwavering. 

My jaw drops and i gasp dramatically. "How did you know?"

We giggle softly, trying to lighten the mood a little. 

"Hey, do you still wanna go to the breakfast thing? I know Becca would want me to be there," Amelia says, her not meeting mine.

"I think the real question is if you're okay to go. You've just had a flashback, Amelia. We both know you're not okay right now. But if you seriously feel like you can sit with your family and have breakfast i can take you. If you want me to carry you there i can. If you want me to dress as you and pretend that i'm you i totally can. It's completely your call."

Amelia takes my hand and runs her thumb comfortingly up and down my thumb. She bites the inside of her cheek, alternating on each side for a moment while she thinks. She blinks twice and then looks me straight in the eyes. "I can do this. Let's go. Please wear a suit and not my dress, though. Might make it a bit tricky to explain, unless you've got your own dress to wear, obviously."

I smile, "i think i'll stick to my boring, traditional cisgender clothes for this one."

Amelia laughs, " i can't believe you know what that means. You're really different from-" She stops herself. Her eyes well again, and blinks furiously. 

I stand up quickly, raising her hand in mine. "Come on, let's get you ready."