Chapter 21 - therapy

Amelia's POV:

I leave Zack for the first time in a week. For the first time in a week i do not have Zack next to me, i do not know if he is okay just by looking over to him.

There's a sense of panic inside me, building up by the minute. I know, logically, that he is fine. But i do not feel it, within myself. I feel his sadness, all the time. I feel his too tight grips on his arms, half moon nails in his palms. I see him thinking, too deeply, at every moment of everyday. I speak to him and it takes him a while to determine where the voice is, as if there's too many things in his mind. 

He has not cut himself since i've been there. I don't think, at least. I really really hope he hasn't. Which is why i felt okay to come out to my therapy appointment today. It's about a fifteen minute walk from Zack's flat, and it's a sunny day, although it's December. I felt like the weather was a good sign; that if i left, and it was sunny, Zack would be okay. You know, pathetic fallacy and all that. 

I pull open the heavy door infront of me and walk to the receptionist desk. She smiles at me in recognition and tells me to have a seat. I see Sarah walk around the corner before i can even sit down, like she sensed me. Sarah wears a emerald green long, flowy dress with purple embroidered butterflies along the mid-length arms; the green dress is vibrant against her dark skin, making her look angelic. Today she wears her hair in a small afro, and it bobs when she walks, which makes me smile.

"You look devine today, Sarah," i say to her as i move closer. 

Sarah beams. "Thank you, Amelia. Are you ready to go in?" She asks, holding the door open for me.

I nod, going infront of her into her room. I take my usual spot on the sofa, dropping my handbag to the floor and crossing my legs under me. Sarah sits opposite me on her swivel chair, she doesn't hold a notepad because i told her at our first session that i won't speak when someone's writing about me, and she hasn't picked one up since. Sarah gives me time to adjust to the room; the light pouring in from the open window to the left of me, the table infront of the sofa i sit at with tissues and a little bear sculpture which sometimes i like to hold when things get rough, Sarah's desk at the back of the room, cluttered today with files.

"Your desk is a mess," i state, without thinking about how she could perceive it as rude.

Sarah smiles. "Yes, it is. I had a busy few days, new clients being transferred from the hospital. "

She leaves me a moment to think. Sarah likes for me to start to volunteer information without her having to ask me, which is the way we've always done it. But today it feels forced.

Sarah tilts her head to the side slightly, looking at me curiously. "Amelia, are you okay?"

I blink. "What do you mean?"

She frowns. "I mean, are you okay?"

"Why do you ask?"

Sarah shifts lightly in her chair. "Because it's my job to ask. You don't look okay. Your body language is different from our other sessions. If you'd like to tell me what's wrong, please." 

I instinctively straighten my spine, breathing deeply. "I'm fine. It's just, this week. It's been a lot."

"Okay, would you like to tell me about that?" Sarah says, leaning forward and handing me the bear from off the table. She smiles, and i return it while i take the bear. 

"Zack came out of the hospital. And it's been good, i've stayed with him for nearly a week. This is the first time i've left him since i got there," i say, feeling the weight of the bear reassuringly in my palm. If i focus on him, nothing is so scary as it was before.

Sarah nods. "Right. And how is Zack?"

For some reason i am surprised by her question. "Um, he seems good. Better, i suppose. I haven't let him out of my sight because i've been scared he might self harm."

Sarah nods again. "So you've been with him for an entire week? Did you go outside at all? Or have you written anything?"

"Yeah, i have been writing, just not a lot. I told my agent that i needed some personal time, which she said was fine and gave me two weeks of leighway on my book."

"Amelia, did you go outside at all?"

I shrug. "I mean, no, not really."

"Do you remember that we talked about how important it is to go outside? Last time you fell into a PTSD episode you couldn't go outside because everything was heightened. After that you told me that the only thing that you could think about was being able to breathe fresh air, because it made you feel safe. We need to focus on things like that, especially when life is uncertain and changing."

I nod, because i can feel how much safer i feel coming outside when i was walking here. "Yeah."

"How has this week been?"

"Boring, honestly. I've been doing a little bit of work writing when i can, but mostly Zack and i have been reading, watching tv, playing games, eating."

Sarah nods. "Okay. And how have you felt at Zack's flat? Safe?"

This takes me a moment to answer. "Safer than i feel on my own in my flat, yes. But in his flat, all i can picture is him on the bathroom floor. Covered in all that blood." My skin ripples into goosebumps at the thought.

"Well, i think that's understandable. It was traumatic. Would you like to talk about that more? I can see it made you shiver."

I shake my head. "No, i don't want to talk about that. Maybe next session," i say, my voice uncertain. 

Sarah nods, "Okay, that's cool. How is the relationship between you and Zack going?"

I feel myself smiling involuntarily. "Really good, actually. I let him kiss me."

Sarah's eyes widen and she smiles. "Oh, Amelia, that's brilliant! How did you feel?"

"I felt safe, happy. He was comforting and gentle and everything i think i needed to make me realise that he could never be violent towards me."

"That's wonderful to hear, Amelia, truly. Do you think you would be open to being intimate with him in the future? No rush, obviously."

I nod, "yes i think so. Honestly, i feel really good when i'm with Zack. He makes me feel like i can just breathe and nothing bad is going to happen. I think i want to be with him soon. I feel like it might help."

Sarah nods. "It will definitely let us know what we need to work on if you have a negative reaction in response to it. I do feel, though, that you seem happier when talking about Zack, which i am pleased about. But you still remember that you are a constant, and even if people come and go, the relationship you have with yourself is invaluable?"