Chapter 18 - Lake

Zack's POV:

We sit by the lake. Muddy water ripples, breaking the murky film.

I look to Amelia, and she is looking at the water, too. It makes me sad, inside, that i could not take her somewhere nice. That i am stuck here, because of what i did. 

Amelia turns to look at me. For a moment, we sit in silence, me in my wheelchair and her on the bench next to me. She smiles, searching my face, i can see in her pleading eyes that she wants me to be happy. So i smile too; not because i am happy, i can't really feel anything, but because i don't want to hurt her. She looks so whole and precious, i could never do anything that would break her on purpose. So i smile, teeth and all, just like my mother taught me. 

"Well, this place sure as shit isn't the most romantic places we've been, right?" Amelia says, a light laugh in her tone.

I am glad that she can find this funny, it makes this less sad. "Yeah, it definitely isn't. Although it is nice just to be outside. First time in nearly three weeks."

Amelia's smile drops, only slightly but i can tell that was the wrong comment to make, because it reminded her of why i'm in here, of how long we've been apart. "Oh, i met your mum on Wednesday. We went for a coffee, and she told me all about you as a child. Showed me all your baby pictures, cheeky bum and all," she laughs.

I raise my eyebrows. "Christ, that does sound like mum. Did you get along? She didn't say anything about- you know, um- pre-marital relations?" i stutter, not meeting her eye.

Amelia laughs gently. "Oh, no she didn't. At first she asked if we were dating, and i said yes. Then we sat for a minute, she asked me if we'd shared a bed, and i said only to watch Harry Potter. I think that was the best answer i could've given her, because she looked so relieved."

I breathe out in relief, "phew thank goodness for that. Yeah, sometimes she can be- traditional, to say the least."

Amelia nods. "When i first came into the shop the first thing she said to me was "can you take those piercing out, or are they permanent?" And i laughed and said they're just earrings so i can take them out and you can hardly see the holes."

I grimace. "Shit, i forgot to warn you about that, sorry, love." Amelia has six earrings on her left ear and five on her right, but they are always adorned with delicate and beautiful earrings which make her look angelic. 

We look back again at the water. There is a mallard duck sitting on the surface, minding his business on his own. The wind is cool, but not sharp against my skin. I close my eyes to feel it against me, savouring the subtle stinging. I am here, i am alive. Breathing deeply as my therapist showed me, i turn back to Amelia to find her watching me.

"You look better. More relaxed? I don't know if that's the right word. And i know you might not be feeling better inside, but from my perspective you look like the same Zack who kissed me in that lift. It's good to see him again."

I nod. "I know what you mean, Amelia. I appreciate you saying that." Amelia smiles in a way it makes me wish i was sitting next to her so i could hold her. "Come closer to me," i say, wanting to feel her.

Amelia slides across the bench, so i can put my arm over her shoulder and have her head resting against my chest. Her hair smells amazing as always, it looks more red than normal though.

"Did you dye your hair?" I ask, still trying to figure it out.

Amelia shifts slightly so she can look at me. "Yeah i did! I was wondering if you'd notice, it was such a small change," She pauses. "Do you like it?"

"Of course i like it! You'd look brilliant in every hair colour without trying, and do you know why? Because you're gut wrenchingly, sickeningly beautiful. Like i'm talking super hot, baby."

Amelia giggles and rolls her eyes. "Had me until the last part, you div." 

We laugh together. She places her head back against me again, and i stroke her hair, being careful not to disturb her curls too much because they look freshly washed. 

"How have you been, my love?" 

Amelia sighs at my question, as though she knew it was inevitable. "Not that great. But i don't want to tell you things that are going to make you sad or overwhelmed. I was hoping you weren't going to ask me that because i can't lie to you."

"Amelia, you can tell me anything. I promise i wouldn't have asked if i didn't think i could handle it."

She takes a breath, thinking. "When i saw you last week, i went into this sort of state of mania. I was not okay, but i didn't even realise it. I mean, i could feel a shift in myself, but i didn't think anything of it until the evening after i left you. Becca called me, to check on me, and she noticed something was wrong faster than i did. She came round and stayed with me. She was worried i was going to do something that i'd regret. It was the strangest i've ever felt in my life - i was angry and excited, but i was sick to my stomach with sadness and grief for the person i could've been if i didn't have my trauma. It lasted for that evening and then well into the afternoon of the next day, and after that i was catatonic. I am so grateful that Becca was there, because i don't know what i would've done without her with me. I didn't talk for the whole of that evening, and then the next day i didn't eat or drink, i couldn't get up because it felt like my sadness was suffocating me, but at the same time i couldn't care less if i lived or died. I was numb and kept getting flashbacks, which made by panic attacks worse and more frequent. Becca was worried, and she called our parent. Obviously, only my dad came, Becca claimed that my mum didn't want to see me in that state. My dad laid next to me for two days while Becca went to work. At this point, i was able to get up to go to the toilet with help and eat a small amount of things, even though i had no appetite. My dad read me stories and stroked my hair and told me everything was going to be okay. I came out of it on day four, and i felt i could talk again. While i was there, not talking and not sleeping but just being there, i was thinking about you and how much i love you, but i was also thinking about every single thing that he ever did to me. In the end, i felt how much my dad loved me and i felt i couldn't say in that place any longer."

I am silent, because i need her to know i am listening. I need her to know i am not here to rush her. I hold her tighter to me, hoping that she can feel the amount of love i hold for her. 

"I love you so much, and i am so happy that you found the strength to carry on," i whisper into her ear.

At this, her body begins to shake. Her sobs are loud and unbroken, she gasps for air as if her cries are physically painful. I hold her tight, "you are safe, you are loved, Amelia. I am here for you. I am here for you," I repeat as she cries until there is no sound coming out of her, until her body is wracked with sadness.

I know, in this moment, that i need to come home to her. Because at this point, i'd rather her be okay than me, and i know she needs me to be with her more than i need to be in hospital.