Chapter 10

AJ

Looks like she's staying asleep, that's good. I close the door to Millie's room quietly. I really need to call the pediatrician. I walk down the hall to Jason's room. He should be asleep by now, but when I put my ear up to his door, I hear the sounds of Call of Duty. I open the door suddenly, and Jason jumps nearly three feet into the air. He yanks off his headset and scrambles for his bed.

"uhh, Sorry. I was just going to bed I promise." He looks terrified.

I'm trying to hold in a laugh, what does he think I'm going to do to him? I lean up against his doorway and smile with amusement

"Yeah, right." I roll my eyes "just about to go to bed."

I grab his headset off the ground and in a high pitched voice say

"Sorry kids, Jay Jay is up past his bedtime. He'll be able to play tomorrow."

Intense laughter comes through the headset. I look at Jason who has turned bright red and buried his face in his hands. I snicker and turn off the TV. I also unplug his headset and hold it up in the air

"this," I wave the headset around. "You will get it back tomorrow, now sleep."

A groan from the little ten year old "Did you really have to do that?" he whines "all the guys are gonna make fun of me tomorrow."

My smile grows wider "all the guys huh?" I shake my head "Go to sleep runt, I love you."

"Love you too."

He groans as he pulls the covers above his head. With another shake of my head, I close the door. I walk down the hall and into the living room where my mother is passed out on the couch. I look at the clock. 10pm. Ren will be outside any second. I grab my phone, a flashlight, a rope, my house key, and my duffel bag of spray paint and I walk out the door into the night. I didn't grab a jacket and the cold air bites into my skin. I almost love the feeling. It feels…free. Like I have nothing to worry about. Like everything will be just fine. It's a cruel fantasy that I let myself give into, just for a night. Soon enough, I see the gleam of Ren's glasses with the reflection of the moonlight and, not for the first time, I'm captivated by his eyes. The streetlight behind him lights up his silhouette, I want to paint him. When he gets close enough for me to see his face, I can tell he's had a rough night.

"What's on your mind genius?"

He cuts a glare at me and mumbles something about steak and potatoes. And another thing about "bland household, bland questions." Understanding Ren's mumbles after 10 years of friendship, I say

"Your mom's been getting on your nerves again I see. Pressing about you finding new friends?"

"Yes." He groans. His eyes drift over to what I'm holding, and he raises an eyebrow

"Going to break the law tonight I see. Just make sure you do not get caught. Remember what I told you."

I roll my eyes "yeah yeah, I know. Run faster."

"Good, now, where are we meeting the girls?"

"Where's the closest building that I can claim as a canvas?"

Ren thinks for a moment "The school?"

I smile at him "Perfect. They're meeting us there."

Ren thinks for one more moment "If my memory does not deceive me, I have Raven in my chemistry class, Amora in my PE class. You have Raven in your biology class. And Amora, in all of your classes. Do you not?"

I think back to school. When was the last time I showed up? A month at least. I think about the faces of the people in my classes. And familiar gray-blue eyes cross my mind.

"I think I do actually." I snicker, "What a convenience, thank you for pointing that out Ren, now I have a reason to show up to school."

He looks at me, confused "That was not my intention." He looks worried, probably for the innocence and decency of Amora, and the pride of Raven.

"I know it wasn't genius. Too bad"

I start walking to the school, Ren following closely behind in silence, probably thinking about the steak and potatoes again with distaste. He sighs, "What's with all the sighing? You have some sort of oxygen deficiency?" I sarcastically try to lighten his mood. another sigh, accompanied by an eye-roll. Man, he really is having a hard night. I move to stand face to face with him and continue walking, backward.

"What's up Ren?"

He looks at me like he isn't planning on telling me for a split second before it changes into submission

"My mother wants me to be normal. But I am not. So, therefore, I am not the son she wants. This means she tries very hard to get me to be normal. Consequently, meaning she does things to somehow "calm" my personality by forcing me to eat bland things in a bland house asking me bland questions. It is frustrating, really. Did I mention this is all done within my mother's subconscious? She wants me to be normal but, if I truly am being honest, I do not wish to be normal. Am I wrong for that?"

I think about his overly complicated sentence structure and shake my head, "You're not wrong for not wanting to be normal. Normal is overrated. I don't think it's possible for you to be normal Ren and that's not a bad thing. You're eccentric, the world needs people like that. Otherwise, it's all bland food, houses, and questions. As for what your mother is doing, I wish I could help, I really do man. But I can't, it's something that you either need to invent a brainwashing thing for, or just accept. And, at least take comfort in the fact that she loves you. Which she does. I know she does, otherwise, why would she care who your friends are? Or when and what you eat? That's more than most kids can say they have. I'm not saying you have it good but, at least you have something, right?"

Ren hangs his head "I suppose so. I just wish she would allow me to be eccentric. Instead of trying to diminish my personality."

"We all wish that important people in our lives would stop doing one thing or another, but that doesn't mean they're not important."

Ren looks up at me with question in his eyes "how is it?" he begins "that you are so insightful, yet, refuse to heed your own advice 72% of the time?" I spread my hands in a sweeping gesture

"because dude. I'm me, I have a different set of rules for myself that are basically just to wake up and be a criminal. I don't have time for self reflection when I'm being a menace to society. I would rather just make the people I care about happy, it doesn't really matter if I am. "

"Well, I do not view it as so. I believe that you are equally as important as other people. Maybe even more so."

I turn back around and fall into step beside him, "That's because you're eccentric Ren. You have so much going on in your head, you think all weird about value."

"Or possibly, you are of true value."

I shake my head and scoff , "Sure."

Ren gives me a concerned look "I would not lie to you AJ."

"I know that Ren. You seriously believe that I'm of value. That's the only area you're a total idiot in. You can't even see how self absorbed and useless I am. Can we stop talking about this?"

Ren sighs, "I suppose, I only hope you believe me one day. I do not want another freshman year where I had to talk you off the top of a building."

I close my eyes and shake my head as I remember the view of the ground while I was 100 feet away from it, ready to dive head first into the concrete. Just imagining it makes me sick but, part of me still feels compelled to get up there again. It would probably be better, for everyone. But no, Ren always has to show up and save my worthless life, every time. I shake off the image and smile at Ren

"Don't worry genius, I'm not that dumb. If I were going to commit suicide, I would overdose, quietly. So you wouldn't even know what I was doing."

"AJ! Do not speak like that! I will babysit you every night if I am required to in order to keep you from ending your life."

I give a small side smile "I know you would, genius. But I'm not going to pretend that I don't think about it every day just so you stop worrying."

The night falls silent, and I realize this isn't a time to smile at Ren's naïve concern.

"AJ…" Ren begins "I don't want you to die."

He stops in front of me and grabs my arm, fear enters his eyes and his intense gaze hints at the edges of something more. Something he and I both agreed shouldn't happen. Something we can't keep ignoring.

"Ren…" I look away from his eyes "You know I can't say I won't. Promises don't work for me."

He grabs my chin and makes me look up at him, I've always hated the fact that he's taller than me. He steps closer, and now we're sharing the same airspace. My heart speeds up.

"You can say you'll try." He whispers. This is the part of Ren that only I know. The vulnerable Ren, the one who worries about people he cares about. The one who would do anything to protect the person he's in love with...me. Why is he in love with me?

Words lock up in my throat. He's inches away from me. I tilt up my head, and he tilts his down. I can't breathe, but this feeling is intoxicating. I bring my hand up to the back of his head and twine my fingers into his hair. I pull him towards me, and he wraps his arms around my waist. Our lips touch, gently, at first, then it becomes deeper, more urgent. I can feel his heartbeat, as erratic as mine. He pulls me against him as I'm pulling his hair. It's dizzying, and I can tell we're both off balance as we fall up against a streetlight. His hands go under my shirt. Tears gather in my eyes, I've forgotten what kissing him feels like. It's so exhilarating. I break away from him in a burst of self-control, but my hands are still grabbing at the fabric of his shirt. Out of breath, I say,

"We can't...I'm not ready. "

Ren, still inches away from me replies, just as out of breath as I am

"I know."

He steps away from me. Reluctantly, I let go of his shirt. He fixes his hair. And we both catch our breath. I pull my shirt back down, my skin still tingling where his fingertips had touched; my head still clouded.

"And I'll try."

I say to him, We make eye contact; our eyes still heavy with desire. I look away from him before I lose my self-control again. We're about to start walking again, I keep thinking about the heat-filled desire in that kiss.

"Wait."

I turn him towards me and pull his lips towards mine for one more kiss.