DEAD ONCE LIVED

Lost in deep thought, watching high school mates playing basketball and girls chanting around yet i could hear my own thoughts. Alizeh, was my closest one who knew every single bit of my life going-ons. With that curious gesture patted my shoulder asking "Where are you lost Lily? ". World inside my head doomed with that sudden jerk, I panicked; " Hey Alizeh! What's wrong? . She replied with more intensive brow lift, "I should ask you this question, where are you lost hun' You seem so low". I took a deep breath and started, " Alizeh! I don't think this gonna work at all. It seems like even he's gonna leave my back and let me suffer the consequences ". Alizeh got stunned and continued with depressed tone, " I knew this since begining and wanted to warn you that this relationship is just a total disaster, I wonder how you been so fool enough not to grab his dodging behavior since long, Let it go Lily, stop hurting yourself". Alizeh! a kind being tries to encourage me to end this no where to go kinda relationship. "But I fuckin love him, my heart doesn't let me move on it's stuck right at that spot where i met him a year ago. Tell me where in the world will i get that courage to let him go when I've given my entire self to this. Where in heaven would i get peace Alizeh, I'm collapsing now". Alizeh moved closer and wiped my tears with a gentle hug to calm my soul down. "I've been warning you since long hun, but you thought i was trying to be a third wheeler who tries to ruin your relationship. All I wanted was your peace," Me breaking down and leaning on her shoulder sitting on the sports ground and ignoring the public around, I just wanted to let it out.

"Where have you been Ed?, I've been trying to reach you since morning. " Ed with same careless tone began, "I was not dead Lily, i wad out with friends. I've other life too other than just watching you out and informing you about every single step i take in a day. Grow up don't act like you my wife or something. I swear to God if this continued I'm gonna end this bullshit you call a relationship". Me just trying to figure out yet whom I'm listening to, is he the same Ed who wanted to turn the world upside down for me? I had nothing to say any further out of that sudden shock i felt from other end of the phone. Hopelessly i dropped the call. Later that day, me and my mom were having a dinner together. She had cooked my favorite meal and i used to get excited about it but this time i was lost. Not even figuring out what I'm eating and with whom. My mom took it first and started, is it again about Ed? He again let you down, didn't he? " I knew that she could read my mind and feel the cold breeze from my side. I had nothing to tell her or ask her i just was feeling running away from everything and never come back. "He's a jerk, He's just wasting your time and he is not interested in you that seriously' I can't take this any further watching you lose yourself slowly and where i can't even do anything". Mom continues. I used to have no answers to her queries. I could just stand up quietly from my dinner table and go to my room, lie on my bed covering my head with blanket and cry. How can love be so strong and painful at same time where you can't even breathe your life and feel like walking deads. How this feeling can be so killing. I slept while crying and i knew mom came to my room, sat beside me while i was in Dreamland, and i know she cried too. Because mornings were usual finding her with red eyes, she taking her naps till late noon. She was getting depressed seeing her only daughter dying of depression day by day.

Mom could not hold it all by herself, she had to let it out somewhere too. She called my elder brother one day when I wasn't around and spoke it all crying her heart out. My brother Adrian paid visit following day while I was home as I was taking day offs of my disturbed mental situation. Adrian knocked at the door, "Yeahh?" I replied to the knock without having a clue who it can be other than my mom. Adrian goes, "I assumed I would be welcomed with excitement and warm hugs in this cold winter by my little cub. I got attentive and wiping my tears got up and sat on the bed. "Hi Adrian! When did you come? I asked him with swollen red eyes, face like it's been slapped multiple times giving it a harsh look. Adrian sat by me held my hand and kissed it. " Look what you've done to yourself lily? You've made yourself tough that is not just hurting us but yourself too. Please give us a reason so we can plan to fix you. You know that your mom is suffering too. " I kept listening to him with blank head and after he finished, I just put my head on his lap and laid in swirling position and said, "I want a relief too Adrian, I'm not doing this for fun or I'm not willing this. I'm imprisoned in his love which is hurtful beyond my expectations. I tried alot of times and alot of things to figure out what's wrong but every time i get a severe backlash from his side as it was all my fault. What father did to mom is repeatedly happening to me too. Our fates have put us on test that is so much challenging that we can't even question God". I started weeping and i could feel Adrian was crying inside. Adrian told me one thing that ignited me inside. He said " My Love! We all grow up with some dreams in our eyes, Some dreams are fulfulled partially and some are ignored as we're grown to maturity at some point. But! this doesn't steals our right to dream. It doesn't gives us nightmares daily. we keep on dreaming and dream big everytime. You grew up without love and attention of father and that has encapsulated your mind over the years and you didn't learn to move on. You grew seeing your mom being hurt and sacrificing her dreams and happiness and you have adopted her way of leading her alone life. Don't stop where thorns are stopping your way, learn the fact flowers are born with thorns but they still are beautiful." Adrian stopped with a sigh and i looked up to his face, he patted my hair and kissed my forehead. He stood up and before leaving the room he smiled at me with a hope that I will gather myself.

On his birthday, I managed to make myself ready for something I never imagined. I seriously have no idea where i got that courage to reach him at his birthday celebration party in a fine restaurant in town. All his friends, family and close mates were there and me being invited had to go there anyway. I put on a beautiful peach dress, nice pair of heels and put on nice nude makeup. I wore that ring he presented me to propose a year ago. I got all ready to drive to the venue with a bouquet. When i reached the venue I found Ed enjoying his day with his friends. I showed up right at the moment when Lily grabbed his attention. He was looking at me with those filled eyes as he wasn't expecting me this eye-catching. I drew near him, I stared right into his eyes for couple of minutes and i slapped him, without saying anything i just looked in his eyes with pained tearful eyes and said " Happy birthday Ed", handed him the bouquet, took of the ring and handed it to him, turned my back and walked away.

There was sheer silence across the restaurant garden, just sound of birds chirping and flowing waves in the sea could be heard while i left Ed in a complete shock. That was something at least i could not expect from myself doing that specially with someone whom i loved with all my heart. That burning sensation you feel inside as if volcano has erupted and everything is out. Ed being stunned watching me go and wondering if that slap was a revenge or to show him I was no more a weak soul. That calmed me somehow but it left a big scar in my heart. A scar that reminds of that very incident that either changed my life or turned me into a living dead.