Station 1

The town of Monte that night was one of the most memorable things of the year. Everyone's outside, watching the firework show which was funded by the town officials to give joy to its people. Different colors splashed on the night sky like a fountain of light together with a boom. Different cheers and whispers of awe was all over the place, especially those children wearing a red triangular hat with a fur ball at the top that fall smoothly to the back of their head.

Aside from the fireworks, the whole town was also decorated by different lanterns that vary in colors, sizes and designs. Colorful lights blink like stars in different home together with other decors, particularly the figure of the big fat man who's wearing red and have a snow-white beard. There are also elves, reindeers, and trees with decorations of flowers, garlands, fairy lights, candy canes, socks and snowman. Bellow the trees are paper bags or boxes with patterns and ribbons. Every house in town screams joy and have this lively atmosphere; except at the house on the corner of Swish street.

The structure looks good. It shows a good status of living with its two floors and a garage. The exterior of white walls and wooden decors tell that the owner earns enough. But it wasn't well-lighted—the only source of light just came from the room on the second floor. It's a good house, but not a home. Yet, after some time, the whole house was engulfed by darkness.

Sinubukang muli ni Zaddie na tawagan ang kaniyang mga magulang pero ang sabi sa kabilang linya ay out of coverage na ang numerong tinatawagan niya. She bit her lower lip before looking around. Sumisigaw ang kadiliman sa lugar kahit saan dumako ang kaniyang paningin ngunit kahit papaano ay nagagawa niyang makita ang maliit na lamisitang nakapatong sa kaniyang kama. May pagkain roon na binili lang niya sa malapit na convenient store. Dry ito, malamig at walang lasa. Hindi niya mapigilang mapatitig dito at mapatulala.

Mag-isa na naman siya. Sila na naman ng dilim ang magkasama. Akala niya ay masasanay na niya ang sarili sa palaging ganoong set-up pero nagkakamali siya. She'll always fear darkness who's slowly eating her sane. Nakakatakot dahil baka kung ano na naman ang gawin niya.

Slut.

Pumaling agad siya sa kaniyang kanan at tiningan ang pinanggalingan ng boses roon.

Whore.

She heard a voice again. Bumilis ang tibok ng kaniyang puso habang unti-unting inaayos ang pagkakaupo sa kaniyang kama. Inurong niya ng kaunti ang bed table ngunit hindi pa niya naaalis ang pagkahawak rito ay muli siyang nakarinig ng boses.

Rape baby.

Home wrecker.

Anak sa labas.

Rebound.

Kumuyom ang kaniyang mga kamay.

Back stabber.

Useless girlfriend.

Pabigat.

Worthless mother.

"No!"

Tinabig nito ang bed table at inilapit ang kaniyang mga tuhod palapit sa kaniyang dibdib bago ito niyakap. She was breathing uncontrollably, her shoulders lifting from time to time. She looked at the cupped noodles and few bread rolls that's on the floor. Her stomach grunted but didn't give a damn. She just lost her appetite and just staring at the floor. Not really looking at anything.

Until her eyes started to get misty. She bit her lip. Harder that the last time, she didn't notice that it bleeds. Her shoulders started to shake. A silent sob escaped her mount. She instantly covered her mouth with two hands but that didn't do what she is preventing. Her sobs started to get loud—louder than the previous. Then her cheeks started to get wet. She tried to stop, but her sniffles became uncontrollable until she gives in to her tears. She let it flow anyway, knowing that her sniffs and sobs cover those voices. Those voices she never wanted to hear.

She curled like a ball on her bed. Like a fetus inside a loving mother, like she is before, except that she wasn't love. She was hated by her mother; hated by the people in this house; and hated in the university. She was never wanted—oh, she is. By men. They always wanted her. Always want to fuck her senseless then left her like a trash. Like a toy for pleasure.

Naaalala niya pa ang mga naging karelasyon niya noon. Ginagamit lang siya ng mga ito bilang parausan. Ang iba pa sa mga ito ay pinilit siyang makipagtalik. Sinusubukan niyang magmakaawa pero nauuto pa rin siya. Pero wala na sigurong mas demonyo pa sa huling naging boyfriend niya. The thought itself make her puke. Her hand fisted and her jaw clenched while another river of tears flow on her cheeks.

Hayop. 'yun ang ex niya. Walang hiya. Mamamatay tao. Sinunod niya ang lahat ng gusto nito. Ni hind nga siya nagreklamo ng harap-harapan na siyang niloloko nito dahil itinatak na nito sa kokote niya na wala nang papatol sa kaniya. Na naawa lang ito sa kaniya kaya sila naging mag-on. Tuwing gagawa siya ng hindi nito gusto ay sabunot o sapak ang inaabot niya. Ito na ang pinakamalala dahil 'yung mga nauna naman rito ay hindi siya sinasaktan ng pisikal. Pero si James, lahat na ata ng pwede nitong sirain sa kaniya ay sinira na nito. Ang pagkademonyo nito ay sagad sa impyerno. He left bruises but no one care. Nagtiim ang kaniyang mga bagang dahil sa mga ginawa nito sa kaniya lalo na ang huling ginawa nito.

He drugged her then raped her… with his friends… Fucked her, until her baby…

She bit her lips harder and closed her eyes as every nerve in her body tensed at the memories and cried louder. She felt disgusted of them and herself.

How can they sleep when they did something heinous? Her hands travel to her stomach unknowingly.

My baby… my innocent baby…

Zaddie cried for hours that night. She cried for the things she'd experienced, for her, and for her baby that didn't give a chance to have a glimpse in this world. She weeps and weep until she can't no more. Until she stopped.

Just when she thought that she's done, the feeling of emptiness and the loneliness started eating her alive. It was New Year's Eve in the Philippines yet she's alone on their house. Her family is in France. Probably preparing for the holiday there; and they might watch fireworks near the famous  Eiffel Tower. A bitter smile crossed her lips.

The crying made her tired, but her mind can't stop from wondering. She keeps asking questions, looking for answers she didn't know if she will ever get to know.

Why does her family didn't care? What if she sued James and his friends, and is not afraid of his senator father? What if her baby survived? What if she was never born in the first place?

Maraming tanong sa utak niya na kung paano kung ganito, paano kung ganiyan. Pero walang makuhang sagot. She wanted answers but to whom she'll ask? The dried tears were evident all over here face. She's worn-out. She wanted to rest, but she can't.

Kahit nanghihinang bumangon ay sinubukan niyang tumayo at lumapit sa side table ng kama niya. Binuksan niya ang drawer at kinuha roon ang lalagyan ng gamot. Sleeping pills. She needs this. It's the only thing that help her sleep and make her nightmares go away.

Itinaktak niya ang lagayan ng gamot pero wala na itong laman.

"Fuck!" Ibinato niya ang lalagyan bago ginulo ang kaniyang buhok dahil nakalimutan niyang bumili nakaraan. Naubos na nga pala. She badly wanted to sleep but can't afford. She's too weak to go out, buy some pills. She closed her eyes and feel the cold breeze of her room. She heard the surroundings growing silent every time and that's what scares her. Silence makes her hear voices. But worst than earlier. Because she knows she'll hear them shaming her in university's vicinity, the names they keep on calling her, and her plead. Plead to just let her go and at least treat her even with the slightest kindness.

She sighed heavily then reached for the book on the table. She needs distraction. Anything. She looked at the cover and found the word 'Fey' together with the author's name. She sat on her bed then open the book in the middle part.

Zaddie read the second paragraph but it's as if she's reading but never understands. She's reading but didn't knew what happen to the story. She tried to focus but after a page of words, her mind started to be flooded by questions again.

What did I do wrong? Why people keep on judging me? Is there anyone who cares?

Binitaawan niya na lamang ang libro saka pabagsak na inihiga ang kaniyang katawan saka tumingin sa kisame. Naiiyak na siya dahil gustong-gusto na niyang matulog pero hindi niya magawa. Pero wala ng luhang lumalabas sa kaniyang mga mata. Tila ba natuyuan na ito ng luha dahil kaninang alas dose ng gabi pa siya nagsimulang umiyak at mag-aalas quatro na ng madaling araw.

Sinubukan niyang pumikit pero nakikita niya ang pagmumukha ng ex niya at mga kaibigan nito. She instantly opens her eyes not wanting to go back to that nightmare. Pabaling baling siya sa kama at ilang ulit nang paikot-ikot, naghahanap ng komportableng pwesto. Hanggang sa napabunong hininga na lang siya at hindi na gumalaw. Nakatihaya lang; tulala sa kisame.

She felt tired. Really, really tired. Not just because of this day, but everything that happened in her eighteen years of existence. Exhausted of people's judgement, not appreciated, and being treated like she's not human anymore. She's just… Exhausted of everything.

The feeling of emptiness slowly creeped into her heart. Somehow, she realized nothing good will really happen to her. Her hopes that one day, everything will be alright faded faster than the mist on the window by a hot breath on a rainy day.

So, she made a decision.

Kahit pagod ay pinilit niya ang sarili. Ginapang niya ang pagbaba sa kaniyang higaaan at umupo sa sahig habang nakasandal sa kama. Binuksan niya ang huling drawer sa side table at kinuha 'yung bagay na noong isang Linggo niya lang ginamit. Mapait siyang napangiti nang makita ang maliit na bote sa sulok ng drawer.

"Not so fast," pagsasatinig nito sa kaniyang naiisip. Mas mapapadali ang lahat kung lalagukin niya ang laman noon pero hindi niya maialis ang kakarampot na pag-asa na baka meron naman. Baka may nag-aalala naman sa kaniya; baka may tutulong; baka may nagmamahal.

She thinks if there is one. At least one. Even a stranger... But there's none.

Nanginginig ang kaniyang kamay habang inilalapit ang blade sa kaniyang pulsuhan. Pagak pa itong natawa sa sarili dahil nung ginawa niya naman ito nakaraang linggo ay parang wala lang naman sa kaniya. Ang isiping tumatawa siya kasama ang sarili lamang ay nakapagpalakas ng tawa niya. She never laughed genuinely like this not until now. Kung kailan huli na. Ang pagtawa niya ay unti-unting nawala hangang sa napalitan na ito ng luha at hikbi hanggang mapahagulgol siya—tumitingala para pigilan ang pagtulo ng luha, tinatakpan ang hikbi mula sa bunganga.

For the last time, she cut herself many times; deeper, longer. She wanted to scream but she's extremely tired to feel the pain, asked for help and to wait for someone to help her.

So tired. Rest at last.

She leaned back at her bed and didn't give a damn on her clothes being soaked by the red fluid. She's feeling it. Inaantok na siya. She smiled.

Maybe this world is better now that there's one less problem, yeah?

Bumalik sa kaniya ang lahat ng nangyari sa buhay niya. Para itong pinikula ngunit mabilis ang pagdaan ng bawat pangyayari. Nakita niya ang mukha ng lahat ng taong nakilala niya. Her smile got wider. She forgives them… Everyone who made her wrong…

Then the blade dropped on the floor together with her eyelids.

Finally, she raised her hands to death. She loses life but died with a smile as if telling death that at least, she survived for eighteen years.

And if ever reincarnation is real, she hopes that the next time she born in this world, it wouldn't be this cruel.

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YOUR EXISTENCE MATTERS

-YJC