JOel.

The week flies by very fast and it's already Friday. I have been doing my best to get through this, It's been hard. Ichiru has gotten the baby's room and my daughter's room done. I still keep the babies downstairs with me, in their bassinets but when they get a few weeks older their room is all ready for them. It looks really nice. I am also sure my daughters will like their room, they will be here shortly, Joel should be dropping them off. I am not really looking forward to any of this, but here we go again.

Ichiru has also taken time off of work, spending as much time here as he can. I still can't believe how much he has stepped up. They are not even his children, and he is doing so much. I see now how Zero knew he would be here for us, why he wanted to give him the chance. He knew he wanted it and would be able to give me all I wanted. It's just, I wanted all this from Zero, not his twin. For the most part, Zero did give me all this, and our son. He was always there no matter what. The only thing that held him back and put things in our way was Yuki. Sometimes I sit and wonder if everything I thought was real, was just in my mind. Did he ever really love me the way I wanted him to? The way I loved him? Yes, that last three years I can say he did love me. We had it very good then, without any looking back. It did hurt me that he slept with Yuki, that he had to make Ren. I held onto that, I just tried not to let it define our marriage and take everything else away. I sit here night after night while the babies and even Ichiru are asleep and just look back at everything. How much I really put up with, how naive and easy I was to always forgive him.

I think if love is to make a fool out of yourself and be walked on because you care for someone so much, maybe it's not worth it? To live in fear, that someone will cheat or leave you, isn't living. My first marriage was nothing like that. It was normal, the way things were supposed to be. I was my own person, I didn't live in fear. I also didn't love him the way I loved Zero. I think I liked it better. I never hurt like this, never felt abandon. If Joel would have left, I would have moved on, not fall apart.

Zero was my obsession, my desire. My fantasy man that was built up in my mind and heart to be perfect. He was far from it, he was a good man, but not perfect at all. I tried to fix all the things that hurt him, tried to take away all his pain. I succeeded in most of it, just I couldn't break the love he had for her. Was it because it was scripted? Meant to be in a book, in some ways I don't think so. I changed the rest, and it was fine, I just couldn't change that.

As I am sitting on the sofa thinking all these crazy things, that will get me nowhere in the end. Just fill me with more sadness and pain. I hear a knock at the door. Ichiru stays in the kitchen, not wanting to set Joel off, not to mention my children haven't met him yet.

I get up to answer it seeing my girls run in giving me a hug and going to their new brother and sister. Joel right behind them, walking in.

"Hey, how have you been this last week?" Joel asks.

"Pretty good, I am hanging in there, "I reply.

"I am sure this is hard doing on your own? You really didn't have to leave our house." Joel says looking around figuring I am all alone here.

"I will be fine. It will take a little getting used to but I can handle it." I reply.

"Has the father said anything? I mean if he doesn't want you, we can try to make our marriage work. I don't really know how we have gotten this far. " Joel says.

"Joel, I appreciate that you want to try. Even to take someone else's children, I just don't think it would work. I just want to be single for a while, I need to clear my head to see what I really want. The father is part of their lives so they have him." I answer.

"I think it's pretty shitty that he left you in the hospital all those months. Never visiting or seeing if you or his children were ok." Joel responds.

"He didn't know I was there or had the babies. Things are complicated, to say the least, but nothing you need to concern yourself with." I comment.

"You think I don't know this? I do need to know what is going on for our children's sake. What are we doing about them? The last week you have seemed quiet, distant. " Joel states.

"Like I said I been going through a lot Joel. I have two babies to take care of. I think it would be best just for now that the girls only come on the weekend. I don't want to change their lives too fast. I got their room done, and I want to get myself together here at the new house better before adding them to this." I reply. Knowing I need to make them meet Ichiru and the questions would start all over again.

"They can stay with me, they can always live with me. I just never thought I would see you like this. Seeing you leave them behind for whatever this is." Joel spats.

"I am not leaving them behind. They are my children, I love them. I am trying to do what is best for them and myself at the moment. I can't Joel, I can't do this right now. I will drop them off Sunday night." I say trying to push him out my door.

"I will be expecting them, early they need to get ready for school the next day. " He responds.

"Sure," I answer as he leaves.

I feel relieved when he leaves, I am going through so much and now I even have him added to this mess. I go sit on the sofa looking at my girls. Knowing I need to come up with something to tell them. The truth wouldn't work, no one would believe it. Hell, I can't even sometimes.

"I want to introduce you to someone. He is a very good friend of mine, he is helping with the babies. Just when you see him you may have questions." I say.

"Is this the baby's father? We haven't really met him yet." Liz answers.

Babies father, I can't say no, how do I say no, it's Zero's? I just take a deep breath.

"Yes, It's their father and he will be around a lot. He is doing a great job taking care of them, and I have to say me as well." I reply.

"Ichiru you can come out of the kitchen," I add.

Ichiru walks out and both girls just look at him confused. They both know who he is, that didn't seem to change. Just this time it wasn't Zero walking out. My heart sinks.

"Wait, What? Isn't that Ichiru from Vampire Knight?" Breana asks.

"Yes, it is," I reply.

"How could this be? Heh, You picked the cool brother finally over the sad boy." Breana laughs.

"Bre Please!"I shout. Taking another deep breath, and adding calmly. "We are not sure how this happened, it just has. I would like it if you would treat Ichiru with respect. " I add.

"This is amazing, he looks exactly like the Amine. Even the eyes." Liz says.

"Sorry about my comment Ichiru, I just know how much my mom liked your brother so I never thought it would be you.....Or him... You are from a Manga and Anime. How are you here? How did she have babies with you? How does it feel to be here? Oh god, we are not going to get Yuki here too? Are We?" Bre comments.

Ichiru starts to laugh. "Don't worry about it, I am not offended. Your mother already told me everything, I know how she feels about my brother. About me being here, it just happened. Its a long story, and we are still not even sure how. I don't think we have to worry about Yuki coming here though, as she is probably already dead in the Manga too. Oh and to your question about how does it feel to be here. It feels wonderful, thanks to your mother, I get to have a real-life, I have enjoyed being here and intend on staying till it's my time." Ichiru answers.

My kids sit with Ichiru asking him all questions, spending most of the night taken in with him. It went better than when they met Zero. They are still confused about how this happened and why him over Zero though, but for the most part, taking it in like they did the first time. I leave them sitting at the table talking and take a seat on the sofa just needing some time alone. Time to process all this, the lie, that has become my life.

Ichiru shows the girls their room and gets them settled in, as I fed the babies, getting them ready for bed.

"Are you ok?" Ichiru asks taking a seat in the Armchair.

"Yea, "I answer.

"I know tonight had to be hard, it was a lot to handle. It went well though. The girls took to me like they did the first time we really met." Ichiru comments.

"Yea, it was easier this time, they always liked you. I am sorry they through Zero at you though. I am sure that's not fun or easy to keep hearing." I say.

"I already know how you feel about him. It's not new. I know your daughters knew that you liked him, from the anime. I am fine." Ichiru states.

"Good," I respond.

"I overheard that Joel wants you back. He feels since we are not together romanticly that he has a chance. When you tried to shoot that down, I saw him get a bit pissy." Ichiru replies.

"Yea I saw that as well. Trying to use my kids to hurt me. He is just upset he will get over it. I need time to get over things myself." I comment.

"I hope he lets this go smoothly, I thought with him feeling there wasn't anyone else he would, Now I just see he may just want to use that against you. Trying to get back to you, or throw it at you." Ichiru answers.

"It doesn't surprise me at all," I say.

I see she is struggling with everything, taking place around her. I see she doesn't sleep much or even eat much. She doesn't dare go into her old room or even want to spend much time upstairs. I see the women I loved that was full of life, and love, deteriorating in front of me, and I can't do a damn thing to help it. I also see Joel isn't going to make this easier on either of us. She told him, I was here for the kids, but not that we are together. Even saying to the girls I am a friend. I know that is true, but I have to say it hurts. I do know it took a lot for her to say I am the baby's father. She doesn't want to confuse anyone, she wants the kids to grow up with a father. I also know that had to hurt her, and took away more from her. I see bits and bits of her disappearing every day. Brother, What have you done? I am here left to fix your mess, can I? Will she let me in? All I hear is how she loves you, even after everything.

I find her here thinking, what is she thinking about? You of course! I wonder if she sees your flaws finally? That we were not perfect as she thought you were? I miss and love you, very much, I just don't understand you.