Chapter 71

We get into the car and head home, I just think about everything that Ichiru told me. How he feels about me, how he wants to be close. Part of me wants the same. I just stare at him, driving home, that black suit, white shirt, blue tie, and that freaking hair. Of course, I find him gorgeous, I just need to separate my feelings for him and Zero. Which is hard to do at times. Then I just think to go with it, don't think, just feel. Just do what your heart says, do what your body wants. If I would just let go,I probably would be much happier. Trying to figure out why I have these feelings, is only taking me down, and pushing me back in a way. No matter how the feelings, I can't change who Ichiru is, he will forever be Zero's twin brother. I have to accept that, maybe a reason why I feel so close to him. Why I now have this attraction to him. I just need to make it work for me and Ichiru, and not hurt him. For some reason I want to protect him, maybe its because I know how it feels to be so hurt by someone you love more than anything.

We get home to our twins, and my girls, the table is all ready for dinner, which we sit down to eat together as a family. The twins looking more and more like Zero each day. He is here, and always will be in our hearts. He wanted this, us together like this. I just smile now, to it, where before it brought so much pain.

We talk about our day, Ichiru asking the girls how everything was, the twins jumping all over him, calling him daddy. The smile on his face just from that is priceless. I see I am not the only one growing from this, he is also. The man who didn't want to settle down, who didn't want responsibility is now, a father of two, without any fight. It comes naturally to him. Ichiru always made jokes, and picked on Zero, wanting so badly to have all that was given to him. Now he has it and embraces it fully.

When the night is over, we head upstairs to put the twins to bed, Ichiru carrying ZJ and I have the little girl. They are both so happy and full of life. I am so glad everything in the last year, hasn't taken from them. I know there were months where I wasn't myself. I couldn't give them what they needed, as at the time, I couldn't even give it to myself. Just now I am healing, I am moving forward, my life is now mine again.

We put the babies to bed, Ichiru just staring at me for some reason. I just smile up at him, I can't help myself but to brush his hair out of his eyes.

"It's time for bed, I really enjoyed this evening," Ichiru says.

"I did also. What we have is nice, I really am glad your here." I answer.

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I don't want this to sound pushy or strong, but if you like, you can come sleep with me. I think when we do, it makes us closer." Ichiru suggests.

"That may be a great idea. Instead of running to your bed in the middle of the night anyway right?" I laugh.

"Yes, and I like you next to me, "Ichiru admits.

"I do too," I reply.

We take our showers, and head to Ichiru's room in the basement. This wasn't anything new, we have slept in the same bed a lot of times, just for some reason tonight I was a bit nervous. The feelings I have now, were not there before, which made things a bit awkward. I just wasn't going to overthink it, I am going to just see where things go.

I lay in bed, under the covers, Ichiru getting in, passing me his hand. He knows I always hold his hand to feel safe. It's been our thing through this whole ordeal. And if I am honest, it was even before Zero's death. Anytime something would go wrong, he would grab for my hand. I take it, and hold on it too, feeling at ease, feeling home. It feels nice.

I see she is under my covers again, its a start. I see she is letting go some, I know she still rethinks things at times, but she is getting closer to me. I think of what she said earlier in her office if she was another woman I was dating. In truth, I would have already had her over and over again. There would be no waiting, no just laying here. That was never my thing, I took women home to have sex, and always got what I wanted. Just with her, I want more, and I see her more than just a one night stand. At the same time, I want her badly, her in my bed, under my covers, her body close to mine drives me insane. What would happen if I made a move? Am I rushing her? Would she think I was him? Maybe in a way that would be a good thing, if she did think I was him. It would make her closer and give into me. She always gave in to him, he didn't even have to try. Do I resent some things? Yes. Do I resent my brother? Yes. It wasn't his fault or even his doing, but he had something so special and was willing to through it away. Then he did hand it over to me, giving me what he knew I wanted. It was hard on everyone, but now things were coming together.