Only Over My Dead Body

🅿🅰🆁🅺🅴🆁

"Jordan, get your ass over here!"

I sigh and grab my tray.

No matter where I'm hiding from my boss, he will always find me. Even behind the juice canisters in the storage room. Still I keep trying.

When I walk out to the beach bar, the heat immediately pushes all air out of my lungs. My old self didn't mind hot weather, I grew up in Texas after all. But Jordan, the body I ended up buying from the shop, is whiter than a piece of chalk and not made for this type of climate.

I put the filled glasses onto the tray and make my way to table number 3. A couple is sitting there and the way they stare at each other, giggling and shit, makes me roll my eyes. I look down at my hands to avoid eye contact.

It had taken me a month until I had finally earned enough points to buy the starter body for 500 KP. "Standard Human Male Jordan 3.0" and oh boy, did the name fit well.

Everything about Jordan is average. The height, the hair color. Heck, even the dick is mediocre. But thanks to my lacking presence I fade in perfectly.

No one can tell that I'm a ghost in a shell because my form is 100% flesh and bones. The only difference between myself and humans is that I don't have any needs.

No hunger, I'm never sleepy and the best part - I don't need to shower. No more rushing in the bathroom so I can get out before dark shower thoughts take over my mind.

Once I reach the table, the couple thanks me quickly as I put down the dairy and sugar-free milkshakes.

Gross.

I don't bother hiding my judgment but they don't even notice, they are right back to flirting.

"Jordan!"

'Oh, f*ck you,' I think to myself but when I see my boss holding the portable freezer in his hands, my face lights up.

"Get these water bottles to the yoga group at south beach. But hurry up a bit. If you walk any slower I might as well replace you with a turtle."

I take the freezer, ignoring the snappy comment.

I strongly believe that yoga is one of the dumbest things ever created and anyone participating in it might as well go back to toddler group but I'll gladly accept the errand if it means I'll get to escape the bar and my boss for a few minutes.

Plus, Kira is leading the group today and I don't want to miss out on that. Her beauty and body definitely make up for her awful life choice of becoming a yoga teacher.

The sand crunches beneath my sneakers and for once I'm happy that they are a mandatory part of our work uniform, saving my feet from the scoring heat beneath.

I kind of wish the outfit would include a base cap as well. Not only because it would protect my head from the sun but also, and maybe more importantly, because I...well...because Jordan looks freaking good with hats.

In the distance I spot the yoga group. Around 10 people on mats are currently performing some questionable exercise. My eyes immediately wander over to Kira and looking at her messy black hair and arched back immediately makes me think of last night. A wide grin fills my face.

These kinds of physical activities definitely were what I missed most when I had no body (and nobody, hehe), just floating around like a scentless fart. But when I met Kira, that finally changed. I'm not sure what attracted her more, my sick sense of humor or Jordan's run-of-the-mill face but honestly, I couldn't care less.

Note this down: When a woman opens her heart and legs for you, you don't question it, especially if you're the 'glove box full of thongs' kind of person.

Now she sees me as well and waves quickly with a smile on her face. Once I've reached the group, she gets out of her dying kangaroo pose and claps her hands to gain attention.

"Alright guys, it's time for a quick water break. We'll continue in five." I immediately step aside to avoid being run over by these dehydrated primates. I don't even need to look at them to know what kind of people they are.

Half of the group most likely consists of freshly separated single moms that decided to go on this self-discovery trip to become new desirable women. The trip would usually include a new haircut as well as sleeping with a pool boy or bartender. The stories I've heard from my colleagues, especially Chad...some people really don't have any dignity left.

The other half of the group are old horny men that sent their naive wifes to have a nice massage at the spa center just so they would be undisturbed while staring at tight asses and accidentally relocated bikini tops. That is where I personally see myself in 50 years. Just minus the wife.

Kira wraps her arms around me and the strong scent of coconut lotion and Barcadi fills my nose.

"How are they doing today?"

She sighs. "As inflexible and pretentious as ever. But you know what would make this job 10 times better? If you were to join sometime."

She smiles and tries to kiss me but I pull back. "Yoga? Only over my dead body."

God, I'm hilarious.

"You're such an idiot. Working on your body really would benefit you in certain...situations...if you know what I mean."

"Well, last night it sounded like you benefited from it a lot."

I wink at Kira and she rolls her eyes playfully.

"Whatever. I gotta get back to work. See you later?" "Of course."

One kiss and she removes herself from my hug before walking back to the group.

I have to admit, compared to the other missions Afterlife Ltd. has assigned me so far, this one is definitely my favorite.

Infinite sun and ocean, plenty of drinks to choose from and tons of beautiful women. If it wasn't for my bar job that forces me to get up at 6 every morning, this would already be heaven and I could screw the whole karma bullshit.

Let me tell you: My very first mission had not been pleasant at all.

The place Herb had brought me to was the small flat of a very old man and his hyperactive cat.

Karen had suggested an easy job for me to start with but oh boy, Herb f*cked up royally.