Truth of the Matter

I lifted my hips to him as I felt his mouth descend around me. As he lifted his mouth back up before bringing it back down again, the cold air mixed with the warm wetness of his mouth and it made me gasp. Mykel's arms were wrapped around my thighs to keep me from moving too much in my passion, lest I make things difficult by making him lose hold. I loved the feel of his mouth against and around me and the moaning of his name as I gripped my hands tightly in his hair told him how much. "Mykel, please," I panted, "please."

His lips were on mine in an instant muddling the sounds emanating from me as he slowly pushed his way inside me. He took his time, drawing out the lascivious torture. His teeth found my earlobe, nibbling and sucking, moaning his pleasure next to me.

"God, Mattie. I love you so much." His breathing started becoming erratic, short gasping breaths as he drew us both closer to falling off that cliff.

"I love you, too. Baby, mmm, so much. Fuck Mykel, don't stop." And he didn't. Our moans mixed together as our bodies picked up speed. I clawed at his back and the grip he had on my shoulders was bruising; and when we came we came together, panting, sweat gathered between us, his body went limp above me.

Two months had passed since the day I encountered my sister for the first time in years. During the last months, I felt a wedge between Mykel and me that I couldn't put my finger on and, with as much as it worried my conscious and by extension subconscious mind, we always seemed to find each other in sex. As I laid in his arms, the tendrils of the afterglow fading, these thoughts began to creep to the forefront of my mind, and I buried myself further into him. I hadn't mentioned my sister or what I did afterward since Mykel and I talked about it that day we sat in the tall grass together. There had been times where I wanted to talk about it, there had been times I had begun to talk about it...but not able to face my own cowardice and the look in his eyes, I kept silent.

I lay there next to him, our breathing finally returning to normal, with my arms wrapped securely around his chest, my head resting against his shoulder, close enough to his heart I could hear it beating. The thump thump thump both calmed me and swirled my thoughts, and I had no clue how to process what was going through my head.

I concentrated on the feeling of Mykel's fingers as they glided through my hair, how his touch made me feel a plethora of emotions that I couldn't all define. Mykel sighed deeply, slowly allowing the breath to escape through his parted lips. I did not have to look at him to know his eyes were closed.

I curled further into him, trying to, what seemed at the time, vainly anchor myself to his body. Sow my soul onto his so he could never leave me. "I love you," I told him, my chest tight, my eyes squeezed shut against any bubbling emotions. I had to hold back. I couldn't allow the moment to be sullied by insecurities. The day had been most pleasant and one we had spent together. I thought over the day, trying to stop my brain from picking apart every stray look he sent me, the analysis of every sad smile, any small hesitation toward touching me as if I would shatter like porcelain if he didn't show the utmost care. It hadn't been a bad day. One where we had enjoyed being curled up on the couch watching movies, or relaxing on the back porch. We even laughed freely, as if nothing in the wide world could touch us. Though there were small moments when he thought I wasn't looking that he would catch this haunted expression in his eyes. His hands would subtly traverse where the faded cuts had been, nothing more now than a memory stamped in time against my skin. No evidence of it remained; though in those moments of faux pas solidarity when I knew his mind went there, they were as evident as they were fresh.

He never spoke of it when it was on his mind in some sense of protection to me, not wanting to remind me of that time or remind himself in conversation what was really on his mind. "I love you, too, mon bonheur." I heard the smile in his voice and it made my heart break the smallest fraction more. I cursed myself for not being able to control myself, my emotions, my thoughts. The evidence of such was tickling the brims of my eyes and I shifted so he wouldn't notice. But damn if he did anyway. I should have known that he was too in tune with my body language to not be ignorant of any state of mind I might possess at any given moment. Sometimes it's right frustrating, even now. "Hey," he turned to his side so he was facing me, "what's wrong?" His thumb traced down my cheek coming away wet. He swiped his thumb across his palm to dispel the moister with a look of worry covering his features. His honey-wheat eyes were dark in the lack of light, casting a molasses-like glow from the moonlight. I shook my head in denial and turned into his arm, still hoping to gather myself before I lost it.

The day had been a good one, however, the last couple months, while littered with happy moments and laughter, kisses and sex and complete days where nothing seemed to be wrong in the least, there was also a shadow that loomed over Mykel and I that I couldn't quell; and I felt it oppressing me, bearing down like an anvil on my chest.

"Mattie, my love, what's the matter? Talk to me, baby." His voice was so gentle, his touch so loving and soft that I felt the anvil press down that much further.

"I don't know how," I managed to choke out. "I don't know how to say it. I don't want you to be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you, baby?" He shifted again so he was better facing me, his arm snaking around to rub my back.

"Because...I don't know..." I felt like a child and even more so when he pulled me closer to him.

"Because why, my sweet?" His fingers found my hair and began combing through it. I didn't answer, I couldn't. "Please talk to me, Mattie. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"I don't want to make things worse," I told him, my voice cracking.

"Make what things worse, baby?" he asked me with confusion.

"Everything. Ever since...things have been different. It feels like you're backing away...and the only time I really have all of you is in bed." I sat up and away from him, drawing my legs up and wrapping my arms around my knees. "I'm sorry," I said feeling that familiar fear creep into me. I went too far. I knew this time...

Mykel, for his part, looked only hurt, as he too sat up. He pulled his back against the headboard so that he was sitting up completely, drawing his knees up in a similar fashion to mine. "I feel like because of one...I messed up...and I feel like not only do you no longer trust me that you're...holding yourself back from me. Communication is a two-way road, Mykel, and you can't expect me to just...talk to you when you won't give me that same courtesy. I see the looks...the worried glances...the once-overs on exposed skin. When you're ready to talk to me...then I'll talk to you. I want to talk to you...I want to tell you how I feel...but I also want to feel like you're in the room with me when I do it...I miss you..."

"I haven't been meaning to push you away. Or to make you feel like I am. I'm sorry, Mattie. I really am." He sighed and reached for his boxers, pulling them over his legs.

"Are you pushing me away, Mykel? Am I just paranoid?"

He looked at me for a long moment before he answered. "Honestly...it's possible. I will acknowledge that it's a possibility...but it isn't something if done, was done from malice. I'm not upset with you."

I took a shuddering breath as I looked at him. "But aren't you though?" My eyes watered more and I looked away.

He sighed. "What do you want me to say, Mattie?"

He almost sounded defeated. "The truth," I answered, my voice barely audible. "Just tell me the truth. If you're upset with me, tell me. If you're scared, tell me. But I notice the glances you give me. How much closer you look at my legs...my wrists...the far away and frightened look in your eyes." I drew my lips together before I spoke further, my question hurtful to us both. "When are you going to stop comparing me to Kaiden, Mykel?"

"That isn't fair, Mattie." I heard the hurt in his tone.

"Isn't it though?" I looked at him staring down at his hands.

"No. I don't compare you. You're very different people. I do, however, take from the lessons that Kaiden taught me so history doesn't repeat itself. And that's just the thing, Mattie. I didn't check on Kaiden like I felt I should have when he started cutting...I let him convince me everything was fine. It started with a few cuts to his legs. Then it moved to his upper arms. Then to his wrists. And while he didn't kill himself in that same fashion, he still fucking killed himself, so my goddamned apologies if I don't want to see you go down that road.

"I'm sorry that I've been pushing you away. I guess I'm just a piece of shit." He wiped his eyes and he looked at me. "You want me to be honest? Fine, here is it. My honesty," he turned toward me as he spoke. His eyes were wide with emotion, and its evidence was clear on his face. "You want to know if I think you'll do it again? I don't know. I don't know, Mattie, but I will tell you one thing I do know...it scares me. It isn't so much that I think you plan on taking your own life, but I don't want to make the same mistakes twice. I never thought he'd do something like that...I don't want to be so blind as to miss the signs if for some reason you follow that same road. It isn't a mistrust for you on my part, Mattie. It calms my head." He laughed without humor almost to himself, his eyes lowering from my gaze as he shook his head the slightest bit. "It almost killed me losing him. It would kill me to lose you, and I'm sorry if I don't handle that well, but I'm fucking scared, okay?" His eyes softened when next he spoke, melting that icy chill that had frozen any kindness he possessed; though the look in his eyes wasn't of anger or loathing, but fear and haunted memories. My feelings swirled around me, mixing a blend of bittersweet and heartbreak, giving way to an acrid, absinthal taste along my tongue. "I'm doing my best, Mattie," Mykel went on. "Maybe that isn't good enough, but it's all I have.

"What you did...cutting yourself...maybe I did retreat back some...but that situation didn't just affect you. It doesn't just affect you. It affects Liz and me, too, Mattie. And I'm sorry if I'm not exactly what you need when you need it, but I need time, too. I need time just like you to sort out my head and my feelings and everything else. I'm not impervious to the pain you feel or inflict on yourself, and I need time, too, damn it."

After several spans of many heartbeats, I tried reaching for him, slowly and unsure, afraid of the rejection he ultimately delivered me until such time he had sufficiently calmed himself. He held up his hand in a blocking manner, keeping contact between us minimal before he slipped from the bed. "I need some air. I, uh...won't leave...I'll just be out back, okay?"

I could only nod from my spot on the bed, the covers shielding the exposure of my body, as he threw on his shirt and pajama pants and vacated the room. I don't know how long I sat there on the bed silently begging him to return before finally I laid down and closed my eyes. Exhaustion got the better of me and my eyes didn't reopen until sometime later when the moon was high and a symphony of nighttime sounds drifted up through the window. Aside from the hour, I noticed first that I was alone, and the sheets next to me were cold. Mykel hadn't come back. Suddenly I felt a crushing wave wash over me, and I knew that I fucked up the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I said too much. I hurt him too badly. My insecurities and my fears about myself, Mykel and I, Kaiden...had all become too much and he's finally realizing that I'm not really worth all this trouble.

Somehow I managed to drag myself from bed and dress before I tipped toed downstairs. As I slipped past Liz's door I stopped as I realized the door was open and unoccupied. I turned toward the kitchen and slowed halfway across it as voices drifted in through the open back door. I stopped when I heard my name, just inside hearing distance.

"I don't know," Mykel said. "I don't what to do anymore. I've done everything I can think of the last couple months and I'm getting nowhere."

"I wouldn't say nowhere, Mykel." Liz's tone was chastising. "You can't expect him to just get better and reverse every trauma that holds him back in less than a single year. He's been through hell, Mykee, and he's still trying to figure it all out. And you either have to accept that and be patient or you're going to end up breaking that boy's heart. Is that what you want?"

His response was a whispered no, barely audible, but I heard it as if it has been shouted in my ear. "I've been doing it unintentionally anyway, it seems."

"What do you mean?" I heard the frown in Liz's question.

He laughed then sniffled. I knew I shouldn't eavesdrop, but I found myself rooted to the spot, unable to turn away. "I'm scared, Lizzy. I've been...careful...looking for marks...I thought I was being subtle...I didn't want to upset him. It isn't that I didn't or don't trust his word. I mean, he hasn't... it's just that I'm scared."

"Mykee, love, I of all people know what Kaiden's death did to you, and in knowing that I'm probably the only one that can say this to you...Never forget lessons of the past, but also don't let the past destroy your future. Mattie isn't Kaiden. He doesn't self-destruct like Kaiden did. There are a few similarities between them but you can't let what Kaiden did ruin what you've got now." There was a pause before she started talking again and I took another step forward. Mykel was leaned over in her arms, his shoulders quietly shaking.

It was another hour before Mykel returned to my room, his eyes glassy and his cheeks puffy. There was a small lamp casting a low ambient light that was set to my right on a nightstand. He gave me a small, unsure smile, almost as if asking if he were welcome back. I gave the same unsure smile in response.

"Mattie, I-"

"Don't." I placed one finger against his lips as my eyes slid shut for the briefest of moments. "Don't say anything. Don't apologize." I didn't hide the tears as he watched them fall. "Please just do one thing, baby. Just one thing," I dropped my hand and our eyes locked. "Please just hold me."

That weekend I approached both Mykel and Liz on a subject I had kept quiet about for the last two months. I had wanted to think and process what Mykel had told me about my sister. "I need to ask both of your opinions on something," I began as we all sat enjoying the summer night, "and I need you to be completely honest with me. Okay?" I looked at them each in turn and, when I had both of their agreements confirmed, only did I continue. "I've been doing a lot of thinking...and I wanted to have a sufficient amount of time to come to my own decision before bringing it up and, well, I think that time is now. I want to meet with my sister. I want to hear from her her reasonings...and decide for myself." I looked at them and could see their support written all over their faces.

"Am I crazy for wanting to do this?" It was the next Sunday and the shop was closed, and I was more than glad to have Mykel at my side.

He smiled at me. "No, mon bonheur. You deserve to know the truth and make an informed decision." We were sitting on the couch waiting for my sister who had agreed to meet at Liz's house. Neither of us wanted to discuss this in a public forum where the walls have ears and everyone is watching. It was her idea to meet in a place where I felt safe, and while I didn't show it outwardly, inwardly I was grateful for the consideration.

When the knock sounded my heart raced and I suddenly felt dizzy. "It'll be alright, baby. You sure you don't want me in here? I can always ditch Liz and the kitchen."

I shook my head with a small smile of gratitude. "No. Thank you. I need to do this on my own...much as I want you holding my hand through this, this is something I have to do on my own and for myself."

He smiled at me and kissed me gently. "Okay, love. Give me the cue and I'll join Liz in the kitchen." I nodded and in glancing to my left saw a face that I would never forget.

She was smiling nervously, her hands twisting around each other in a familiar gesture of anxiety. Liz said something that from the look on her face put her somewhat at ease, as the smile transformed to one of far less anxiety.

At the moment she turned toward me and her smile slipped that small fraction, I wanted to run. Run far and run fast. Mykel must have sensed my urge to run and grabbed my hand, locking his fingers with mine and slightly squeezing. When I glanced at him he smiled gently in support. I tightened my grip as she came just out of touching distance. Liz glanced at me with a message I read clearly before she nodded once, sent Mykel an entirely different look with an entirely different message, and made her way into her bedroom. I squeezed Mykel's hand and let go, his signal that I was ready to face the truth of the matter. He kissed my temple, whispered he loved me, then followed his sister to her room where he quietly closed the door behind him.

We both stood motionless before she dared to break the silence first. "Hi, Mattie."

"Hi, Rian."

She smiled and looked down. "Rian. No one has called me that in a long time."

"Would you prefer-"

"No," she said quickly, "Rian is fine. It...wasn't ever so bad coming from you." She tucked her hair behind one ear. "I have to admit that I, uh...well, I'm scared shitless."

For some reason this made me laugh, breaking some of the tension. "Me, too. Would you like to sit down?" I gestured to the couch. "Or we could go out back on the porch swing. The view of the mountains is beautiful."

She nodded. "I'd like that." As we passed through the kitchen I offered her a bottled water, which she declined. "You're right," she said once we sat down, "it is beautiful."

"This is my favorite spot. I sit out here a lot. It's...freeing." I hadn't meant it as a jab, nor do I think she took it as such, but a simple expression of feeling. The vastness of the mountains climbing into the sky truly feels freeing even when I look at them today. She inhaled a shaky breath, but when I glanced to my right her focus remained on the view.

"Mattie, I..." she stopped and several heartbeats passed before she spoke again. "I don't even know where to start. An apology seems so...inadequate. I can only imagine what they did to you."

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, my fingers twisting around each other in similar fashion to hers. "It would be a n-nice st-start." I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing, focusing on the methods Mykel taught me to control my stuttering.

"You have no idea, Mattie, how sorry I really am. I didn't just leave you...I did try and get you out. Do you remember them putting new locks on the door?"

I thought back and tried to remember. I nodded. "Right after they found out you were sneaking me out at night." I hugged myself as the punishment for that indiscretion flashed through my mind.

"They had the keys, Mattie. I couldn't get to you. Even knowing I couldn't I still tried breaking the lock. Picking it. Opening it somehow. But I couldn't."

As she spoke I began to remember...

"Mattie, I can't get it open." At those words, I shrank back, sliding down to the floor. She kept talking but I could hear nothing more. "I'm sorry. I can't stay here anymore."

"Don't leave me," I whispered. "Please don't leave me."

"There's something you don't know, Mattie...something I couldn't tell you then." She looked at me, her eyes full before she began digging in her purse. She withdrew a small picture and handed it to me. The boy looked to be close to eight, his smile wide as he grinned for the camera. He had my face, dark brown curls falling in ringlets around his face. "His name is Mathew."

"After me?" He was a beautiful child and I smiled lightly at his grinning face.

She nodded. "Yeah. After you." She took a deep breath then and wiped her eyes. "Mattie, Dad had been raping me since I seven. When I ran away I was pregnant." She took a deep, hitching breath. "That's why I left. You have no idea how disgusted with myself I have always been for having to choose between you and my son...but I couldn't allow him to be born into that. I tried, Mattie after I left to get you out. I called CPS, the police...I had always hoped that something came of it."

I wiped my face. My chest burned and I couldn't breathe. "You did that?"

"I did what I could. It wasn't enough, though. For that, I will never forgive myself. I broke our biggest promise to each other."

"You made the right choice, Rian. I can't blame you anymore knowing..." I looked at the picture again of the smiling boy. The happy child we never got to be. "I wouldn't have wanted him to know that life." I looked at my sister then in a whole new light as I felt almost a decade's worth of blame and resentment melt away. How could I blame her for protecting her child?

"You've got two nephews and a niece, now." She smiled at the thought of them. "Would you like to see?"

I nodded with a small smile as she handed me another picture. The boys were sitting side by side. The second boy looked like he was about six, and the baby looked to be about three. "They're beautiful. What are their names?"

"Daniel and Cory."

"They look happy."

She smiled. "They are. They have the life we never hoped to."

I handed her back the picture but she gestured for me to keep it. "Listen, Rian...I don't blame you for leaving. Not anymore. I did...but I didn't know. And I can't hold that against you."

"I loved you. I always loved you. And you have to believe me that leaving you there was the hardest thing I've ever done. And I'm so, so sorry, Mattie."

"I forgive you, Rian. I love you, too. Can I ask a favor of you?"

"Anything."

"Can I have a hug?" And for the first time in years, I hugged my big sister.

"So Mykel really seems taken with you," Rian said and I blushed. "How long have you been together?"

I smiled brightly at the thought of Mykel. "Almost a year. He's...more than I ever hoped for. He's done a lot for me in such a little amount of time." I didn't want to get into much detail and was thankful she didn't press further.

We talked out on the porch swing for another hour and a half before she had to leave. It was time to pick Mathew up from school.

"I'm really glad you called me, Mattie. I've waited for this day a long time. I really missed you."

I smiled while my throat closed. "I am, too. I've really missed you, too."

She smiled and looked down. "Maybe one day you can come meet everyone."

I grinned at the prospect. "I'd really like that." We hugged once more before she got into her car, a 2016 Lexus, and drove away.

As I shut the front door Mykel opened the bedroom door. I had leaned against it, my forehead pressed into the hard wood. "Mattie, love." I felt his hands, heavy yet gentle against my shoulders, slowly turning me around before drawing me close to him. Until now I had been able to control myself, my emotions. But as I felt his arms wrap around me I felt the memories and the feelings overwhelm me as I broke apart.