Survival

A lot of people are quick to judge individuals who run away; they are quick to point fingers instead of addressing the root of the problem. Many tend to leave those individuals to drown deep and rejoice at their downfall and the sad part about going through that at a young age you are hardly aware of your actions. I was in pain and I needed help but seeked it in all the wrong places.

If I could turn back the hands of time trust me I would. I wake up every day with guilt hanging over me and I honestly would not want anyone to go through what I went through.

Depression is real guys and many tend to post about the glamorous things that the world provides instead of telling the truth. The world has nothing to provide and I was a fool to think that leaving the only place that could provide me with real protection would make me happy. I failed myself and my family but most importantly God I have been ashamed to pray because I knew he hated what I had become. Honestly, I am disappointed with the woman I have become. I might have fallen a few times but I stood my ground at most.

Life does not work out the way people proclaim it to, there are a lot of detours along the way but the end goal is not to give up but rather stay strong and pat yourself for getting up every time the devil thought he was done with you. I know that there's a lot of fixing that has to be done and that I had to stop living a lie I had to stop living a life that only hurt everyone and everything important to me.

I was a fool to leave the only place that provided me with real protection. Leaving home was never part of the plan. I was in pain and I didn't know how to make that pain disappear. I was alive but dead inside if that makes sense. I was running from myself which was stupid really because sooner or later 

I would have to deal with reality. Living in someone's back room was never part of the plan many would call me stupid for leaving home a place where I did not have to look over my shoulder for the hood but it was deeper than what reached the eye it was as if I was running away from myself I didn't want to deal with everything that was happening around me I hated what I had become a part of me dead in the busyness of everything.

I knew I was heading down the wrong path and that I had to do something about it. But I didn't even know where to start. It was as if I had been buried alive, I was stuck in a life that was beyond me regret had become my new best friend. We were living in a backroom in Soweto. Anyone who knows Soweto knows that a weekend doesn't go by without someone being shot. "Why would you leave home for that?" Many would say but this was different. I was lost. It was as if I had lost the true meaning of living. 

Which was the worst mistake I ever made to leave the only place that could provide me with proper protection. I hated the lives we were living, always having to always look over our backs but with no source of employment, Ezile turned to what he thought was the only option at that time. I hated what we had become and I knew that there had to be a better life than this I may not have the strength to get us to where we needed to be but I had to think of a plan as soon as possible seeing so many lives lost at such a young age due to crime and drugs breaks my heart so I thought of a way that could help Ezile maintain himself without looking over his shoulder. 

Returning home would have to be the first step if I wanted to make things right because I knew that God had turned his back on us. After all, we lived a life that did not please him.

Ezile used to get part-time jobs here and there but that wasn't guaranteed because some people didn't pay he had other dealings that I would rather not know. 

Gugu stays a couple of blocks from where we are. She's the only one who talks to me. The people in the neighborhood think I'm a snob which is not true I honestly just love my space. Ezile will be leaving tonight so Gugu always came over to keep me company. 

I wasn't comfortable with being alone a lot of our youth turn to crime due to unemployment it was sad really but that's what they thought was right, no person would risk their lives for something they didn't need only if they were taught something different and if they knew that money does not bring you happiness then I doubt so many live's would be destroyed.

 Many were fooled by people that they looked up to and with the unemployment rate, so high hustling is all they were taught the part that they leave out when you are introduced to that lifestyle is that there are no guarantees and no retirement funds for you. You hardly leave a legacy for the next coming generation because once the breadwinner is out. That is when starvation takes place and a mom is left with broken children to raise, so no one chooses the streets, it is the streets that choose you.

I knew that change had to be done and a lot of the next generation had to be taught that money isn't the key to happiness. Rather it could send you to an early grave if you allowed yourself to be misled. The devil will feed you with all these lies but remember that at the end of the day, the only thing he wants to do is destroy you.

So be wise enough to not fall into his trap and not fit in with the crowd do not let temporally situations determine your future.

"How did we get to this there truly has to be a better way of living than this having to look over my shoulder every time and wake up every morning with such I heavy heart I miss home," I said before I burst out in tears

"Baby, to me listen you are not going anywhere okay you need to get that thought out of your head. I 

love you Mbalenhle more than anything on this earth okay I will marry you and everything will be okay." He said as he kissed my forehead

"Wipe those tears from your face I am going for a few days," He said

Our lives were far from glamorous rather we always lived in constant fear the worst part of this whole situation was not even having the courage to pray I had failed my God in so many ways. If only I could turn back the hands of time if only I knew in then what I know now. Living a life that was full of sin was like a slow death I lived each day with regret. Know I understand why we are told to wait for marriage and for us to marry a man that God approves.

At least Gugu helped me get my mind off things. Gugu said she would come in the evening so at least that will give me time to myself to think deeply about what tomorrow has in store for me. Leaving the room was not an option because Ezile had a lot of enemies which made me an easy target so it was only a handful of people who knew me. So I always kept the door locked. I knew she was the only person who visited me a few minutes before Ezile left. I heard a knock on the door and I knew it was her.

"Girl get us some cups I brought some wine and pizza," said Gugu

"Not tonight babes," I said

"Girl please since when do you say no to wine?" said Gugu

"Babe we are expecting!" I said in excitement 

"What? Wait so you telling me after all the tears and fears of not falling pregnant there's a little Ezile in that tummy of yours?" said Gugu

"Yes and honestly I am not sure if I am even ready for this !" I said

"Girl look we are never placed in situations that are beyond us but what I would advise you to do is to go back home and tell your family about this," said Gugu

"You're right but where do I even begin I have failed my family so many times and now this ?" I said as my tears came rolling down my face

"Look we are only human and we all make mistakes but the end goal is to get up and fix them to learn from them, you are still very young and you deserve better than this." Said Gugu

"Well, you're right I miss home, and honestly speaking I hate the life that I am living at this point," I said

"It's okay we are all only human and we all make mistakes don't beat yourself up too much about it," said Gugu

"I guess you are right," I said

"I am always right You're too young for you to through away your life like this, so did you tell him?" said Gugu

"No, not as yet he is in KZN. He said he had to attend some business…." I said

"Did he mention to you what business he would be attending?" said Gugu

"I would rather not know, look I want a better life for us and I hope this baby will help him change. I'm going back home and I hope he will understand." I said

"Trust me I understand just stay strong okay.'' Said Gugu

"Okay," I said 

He usually calls me before I go to bed but nothing he did not even send me a text message and that made me very nervous I woke up at 1:45 AM and tried to call but his phone went straight to voicemail so I called Gugu

"Girl it is 02:00 still no call no text his phone is on voicemail!" I said

"Babe you said his finishing up business most probably he is resting stop stressing it's not good for the baby." Said Gugu

Days turn into weeks, weeks into months his family has been supportive but it's not the same without him it's been six months now I'm starting to show and this pregnancy has got me glowing if I have to say so myself. 

I had to start selling bunny chows to maintain myself to collect money for my bus ticket and to buy a few items for the baby because I knew how bad the situation was back home. I knew that this was a punishment for living a life that wasn't pleasing to God many would judge me but I was young and naïve back then I didn't think things would get so far. I wish I knew then what I know now.

"Babe I'm making dinner I cooked more than enough and I know you haven't been eating properly lately," said Gugu

"Okay friend, I think it's time I got fresh air before I lose it," I said

"Okay babe I will pick you up at 06:00." Said Gugu

"Okay," I said

I hardly have anything that fits me lately so I will just slip on my black leggings and my black oversized top with my all-star. That's the only comfortable thing I can wear a little bit of red lipstick to try to hide how bad I really feel and I will just have my hair in a bun.

"Girl I'm running late, could you please request an Uber because I doubt you will be able to drive back home tonight and you know I don't have parking." Said Gugu

"Okay no problem, I'm on my way," I said

"It can't be him or am I just hearing things?" I thought to myself

"Girl, where are you? I'm going to help myself with chocolate mousse in the fridge." I said

"What no Ezile?! Said in disbelief 

"Baby it's me I missed you so much come here!" said Ezile

"How babe? I thought something happened to you, you cannot do that to me, you just vanished, disappeared for months, with no text, no call. Do you know what I went through, how I had to survive paying rent going through my pregnancy?!" I said my tears came pouring down uncontrollably my legs went numb I couldn't explain the ball of emotions that were bottling inside I missed him so much for a moment I thought I was dreaming and probably someone would wake me up

"Baby I'm truly sorry, am I going to be a dad?" said Ezile in excitement 

"Yes, I'm six months pregnant now. I wanted to surprise you when you got back, look at you baby, what have they done to you?" I said

"I'm truly sorry you had to go through this alone I..." Said Ezile I could see his eyes looked blood red as if he was also about to cry

"Baby you here!" I said I held on to him dearly for a moment I feared that he would vanish and this was all an illusion

My tears couldn't help but roll down my anger for him just vanished. He lost so much weight and by the looks of those scars, he's been through a lot. That was the price he had to pay for the life he was living and I was sick of it.

I knew I had to change and I was no longer living for myself so I begged Ezile to change his ways and he did because he had something to live for, well that's what I thought people change for who they want to change for. That reason should not be a reason for someone else but rather a personal decision that comes from deep within.

I told him that I needed to go back home but I wanted to give birth first and then go home. None of the buses allowed me to travel in my state they feared I would give birth on our way there. Months went by and he came back from his business trip before I could leave things were better now. We have a truck business and a taxi business which I pray he leaves because there are always shootings in the taxi rank.

Which steals my time with him but I wouldn't have it any other way because at least it is stable and I don't have to fear getting a call from the police telling me his no more. My life is rather empty all these materialistic things do not fill the void I have deep within.

And I still did not tell my family about the pregnancy I know how disappointed they are going to be my gran had already been through so much. The thought of breaking the news to her breaks my heart into a million pieces. I was young and I made foolish mistakes but I will never allow the past to determine my future.

I told him that I would be going back home as soon as the baby was born and that I wanted to do things the right way we both knew that we were living a lie and that there was no money in this world that was worth my sanity. And he understood we were given a reason to live again and to change our ways and for that, I am forever grateful. We had a small engagement ceremony a few weeks before Thabile was born. Which was amazing but most of the people that were there were Ezile's friends and relatives. 

I did not want to get married without my Grandmother's approval so we waited and vowed to do things the right way the moment she was born. I won't lie it was a bit empty without having my family around. Ezile went all out and the venue was absolutely beautiful. There was this gorgeous brown-skinned slimmed body lady. She had a beautiful Afro and she was playing the saxophone as I was walking down along the beach shore. My feet were sinking as if I was leaving a part of myself along the way. We had it on the beach in Cape Town. The ambiance was out of this universe what a ball we had. I saw Ezile shedding a tear as I was walking to him. The lady was standing next to Ezile. She was playing her saxophone TLC All My Life it was truly a breathtaking moment.

"As we are gathered today for this wonderful celebration to celebrate the engagement of this beautiful couple," Said Zakes as he looked into the crowd

 Everyone cheered and I heard someone in the crowd saying

"There are no more late-night parties for you my brother!" 

And we all laughed

It was truly beautiful but incomplete without my siblings.