Reliving

Today was very busy I hardly had time to take a lunch break but at least we get paid for overtime. Let me request an uber and get home I won't lie I miss my car though. The drive home always gives me time to reflect on everything but it's been three years now it's been three long years three only sad years. 

My biggest fear is being hurt again lord I can't deal with another heartbreak again I don't have the strength to deal with another toxic relationship. My flat is dark and quiet as usual small but it has everything I need it's a one bedroom with a small kitchen and a small bathroom with my small couch. I haven't done any grocery shopping so I will just have to eat last night's pizza and coffee. I still haven't called Nkosana though I'm tempted to I just don't need that drama in my life right now. 

The week went by really fast I had been wanting to go to the mall today would be a perfect day for it and I need to do my hair and get my nails done. After all that shopping I had to do my hair and have my nails done at my favorite salon where all the latest news and beauty tips are shared. I'm not the weave type so boxed braids will do the trick and plain nude nails.

Finally, I look normal again there's nothing more refreshing than getting your hair done and a new outfit. Now one more thing then I can go home and unwind in a bubble bath and have a bottle of sweet red wine. I drank my last bottle of wine last night so I will just pass by the bottle store and grab wine and a bottle of Gin. I'm not in the mood for any company today nothing is more relaxing than having sweet red wine after a very refreshing bath I have been on my feet the whole day. 

As I was making my way to the parking lot I saw a familiar face, I could tell by the look on his face that he too did not believe that this was truly me I thought I would never see him again.

"Mbali?" Said Nkosana

"Nkosana?" I said

"Wow I never thought I would ever see those beautiful eyes again I had been waiting for your call I was even thinking of hiring a private investigator hunt you down!" said Nkosana

"More reasons for me to stay away from you!" I said as I rolled my eyes 

"I didn't mean to scare you princess but you have been on my mind since the day I laid my eyes on you I was so scared I would never see you again and never called?" said Nkosana

"Sorry I had a busy week my car broke down so my mind is all over the place but I had been meaning to call," I said

"Why though why are you fighting it?" said Nkosana

"Fighting what exactly?" I said it is a bit annoying when a person gets too full of themselves.

"You know that would like to give us a chance look I'm asking actually pleading for you to have dinner with me tonight at 19:00 pm because I will be leaving tomorrow morning I have a business meeting in the U.K I'm not sure when we will be back I can only come back once I have sealed the deal please?" said Nkosana

I did not want to seem cheap so I never called him back and I knew what was meant for me would could to me at the right moment. I know I might regret this I mean look at him I'm pretty sure women throw themselves at him with every opportunity they get. As much as I like him a lot and I have so many insecurities that get the best of me at times, but I won't let him see that he intimidated me I won't show it I'm old school I still believe a man has to work hard to prove his intentions. 

"Just dinner then you will stop harassing me right?" I said

"I swear just one dinner give me your number so I can call you I don't want you to stand me up again?" said Nkosana

"Okay!" I said 

"Should I pick you up or send a driver over since your car isn't in its greatest state?" said Nkosana

"Ha, ha, very funny but I think I'm capable of getting myself there just send me the location I will meet you there at 19:00," I said

Thank goodness I had my hair done and I got a new outfit oh well I guess I will have my bottle of wine tomorrow. Today I'm going to go with simple denim jeans my black NIKE Air force and a black tang top a pair of gold earrings and red lips will do I take my oversized denim jacket in case it gets cold later. My word time flies it's 6:00 pm. already let me take a quick bath and request I mean I woman can be a couple of minutes late right?

He sent me the location of the place and I requested a cab to take me there since my car had broken down. The place looks absolutely beautiful it has a beautiful outdoor setup with a live Jazz band playing.

I called to tell him that I had arrived and he made his way to fetch me by the entrance, he looks handsome to the core if I have to say so myself. He was not dressed formally today his wearing a pair of black jeans with timberlands and a golf t-shirt. 

I still don't get it out of the woman he can get why me, let me not get ahead of myself this is only our first date.

"Wow, you look absolutely beautiful!" said Nkosana

"You don't look too bad yourself," I said 

"Let's order something to eat and hopefully I will get to know you more?" said Nkosana

"Okay, this place is breathtaking," I said 

"Not as breathtaking as you." He said 

"Well thank you," I said

The place was beautiful it was an outdoor setting with a pond filled with a cute goldfish pond next to it that was an area where by you could sit under the stars and you could still hear the music that was being performed live. 

The night was beautiful there was a live performance by a jazz band which made the ambiance more relaxing the food was out of this world which went hand in hand great music that was playing. I got the know the real Nkosana I don't know where I have been living but apparently, he is a well-known businessman who had decided to start his own path his family had their own empire going on he wanted to start his own thing he went to the point that he used his second name to name his business instead of using the families surname. 

Which would have worked in his own favor since his dad was such a well-known businessman and the rest of the siblings. So no not all rich people are snobs some were just people that grow up in poverty and fought for a better life what I don't get is why he would want me I mean I'm just a receptionist but I won't let that negativity ruin my evening.

"Thank you for a great evening I was kind of nervous that I would be stood up again." Said Nkosana

"No, thank you I don't know when the last time I had so much fun was. "I said 

"Well I hope this a beginning to many more, can I drop you off its late I wouldn't want you to take a cab home so late you could never trust these uber drivers lately." Said Nkosana

"Only time will tell I am really tired now so let's call it a night," I said

"Okay I hear you thank you again, princess," He said

As we walked to the parking lot the only thing that was on my mind is how one with so much wealth could remain so humbled and down to earth his car is a G-wagon and no he didn't add the initials nonsense to his number plate. 

JAZZ was playing in the background as we were driving off. This by far has to be one of the greatest highlights that had happened in my life so far I don't know when the last time I was so happy for a moment all of my problems disappeared. He dropped me off and yes the evening ended like that I wasn't ready for anything more than that and he understood.

The night ended too quickly and I think the worst part is I know his leaving today and I have no idea when he will be back. But I know good things come to those who wait, my girls, said they would be coming over tonight I told them to come over with snacks and I had wine for them, I lived in a flat so the security had to first call me before they were allowed in.

"We are outside." Said Lerato

"Okay come up," I said

"Friend you glowing is there something you have to tell us?" said Lerato

"Well I just went out for dinner at a fabulous place in four ways the venue was breathtaking there was a band performing which was breathtaking nothing much," I said

"Wait what you went out without us and we are only being told about this now?" said Zinhle

"I was busy throughout the night I didn't have time to tell you yesterday I'm telling you now, aren't I? We really should check it out on our next outing." I said

"You see we all have to go out once in a while to unwind you are only human you need to forget about your past and move on" Said Lerato

"Friend don't even go there I don't ever think I will let anyone in so deep ever again I can't explain the amount pain I had endured scars that could never heal, but I'm a whole lot wiser now a whole lot stronger so I will be damned to let anyone walk all over me again," I said

"They would have to get through me first." Said Lerato as we all burst out laughing 

"I don't mean to be a party popper but I'm thirsty where the wine ladies is?" said Zinhle

"Knowing you my friend the wine is in the cupboard and the bottle is on the counter," I said

There's never a dal moment with my queens we were listening to music they gave me some advice that really hit home it's pointless to stay in self-pity throughout it's been years so I guess it's okay now it's okay to let go of the past and it was okay to start from over. To let go of things that were beyond my power to not blame myself for my past I was a whole lot younger than I did was I all I could do to survive.

The weekend went by in a blink of an eye now it's time to deal with that woman I don't have the strength for her negativity. I just can't wait for Leah to come so I can tell her all about my weekend hopefully we can hit the gym after work she has been breathing down my neck telling me how important it is to stay in shape and now I have more reason to it doesn't mean if I don't have the world's richest I can't look good.

She finally arrived I told her all about it the look on her face she was so excited for me a sister I thought I could never have again she reminded me a lot of my cousin Phumzile I decided to hit the gym after work then went to buy a few items I needed and grabbed something to eat before we went our separate ways. 

Nkosana called to tell me that he would be flying back on Thursday so he wanted us to go to wine tasting on Saturday. I don't know if this is one of those tricks to win me over because if it is working there's something about him for a moment everything else did not matter. And I felt alive again it has been 5 months but my love for him hasn't changed I almost melt into a different universe when I'm with him everything else disappears for a moment nothing matters. 

I knew that I wanted to do things the right way this time and that I did not want to get hurt again. I love him so much, I love him to the point that I fear what I would do if I were to lose him. I keep having flashbacks of what happened my family curses how whenever something positive happens something bad happens and I guess you might be one of those it was great while it lasted.

So I booked Leah and me a spa day today was really hectic we and I needed to get my mind off things so many bad things had been happening in my life I too do deserve happiness I remember how things ended with my previous relationship because I rushed things. So I did not want to repeat the same mistakes.

"I know I don't get good things to stay in my life but please all I ask is for this one to work for this one to last. I honestly don't know what I would do if I lose him but I know what is meant for me will stay" I said my tears came rolling down before I could even finish my sentence

"Friend, sorry I could come back another time." Said, Leah 

"No, no not at all I'm done how long have you been standing there?" I said

Not long you crying baby what's wrong? Is it him? What did he cheat? He better have not cheated I will burn that G-wagon no one breaks my friend's hurt and gets away with it!

"I know you got my back but no he didn't cheat it is far from that there's something I need to tell you well I was pregnant three years ago but I lost my baby the father of my child left before she was even born I haven't told Nkosana about it I'm scared he will leave the moment he finds out I had a baby and it died I feel like I have this dark cloud floating nothing good stays in my life," I said my tears came rolling down

"Babe you need to forgive, you need to forgive yourself over the past it's not your fault he was a fool and couldn't man up but I would advise you to tell the truth, you know the truth has a way of coming out it wasn't your fault she died she's resting and I'm pretty sure she would be smiling if she saw you so happy. Girl, you got a man that loves you and that's waiting to pick us up with his private jet girl bye swipe those eyes let us pop some champagne, and unwind girl before your man pulls through to steal you from me dude I'm jealous of your relationship guys," said Leah

"He is truly one in a million," I said before I giggled a little 

As we were booking out there was this very loud retched girl by the reception demanding a refund but believe the only reason she was making such a scene was the bill cost way more than she expected.

I knew that walk from a mile away I could never put my finger on it he looked a whole lot older now it's crazy how a couple of years could do to a person I'm quite glad we didn't work out. I just had flashbacks of everything the pain I had to endure the thought of how long it took me to get to where I am today I tried by all means not to cry I tried my hardest to hold my tears. He couldn't see me like this again he couldn't see me at my weakest I don't even want him to have a slight thought he still had a hold of me. For so many years I had allowed him to get the best of me and I was done.

"Ezile?" I said in a slight whisper 

"Mbali?" he said

I was speechless all pain and resentment I had for him resurfaced. I remember the day I lost my angel I vowed to myself if he ever came back I would splash him with a whole 20L bucket of cold water yet today I just stood there speechless.

 My legs went weak all I remember was asking for water the temperature suddenly changed to 100 degrees all I could hear was the ladies in the background. Nkosana came to pick me up apparently I gave everyone a scare but honestly, I was not going to open that chapter.

Love is something else sometimes you may feel like you are drowning in your own emotions sometimes you give so much to people would don't deserve you the sad part is we don't choose who we love nor do we have control over our emotions the moment we give our all. 

The moment you let that person in then you could only pray for the best but never forget to leave space for the disappointment that might come with letting your guard down. I not asking for much but a couple of forevers.

I'm officially my own boss now I left my job because I hated what a strain it had me I took all my savings and bought myself a new salon that was fully equipped. Yes, babe! I have been blessed with love again he was there for me at my lowest groomed me and assisted my growth in so many ways and stood by my side at my lowest. 

Our relationship hasn't been the easiest his forever away on business and I can't travel much he always tries to convince me to leave with him on all of his trips but I can't my salon is my baby I enjoy being with the ladies Ntokozo is convinced that there's secret I have to share apparently they think I gave him some love potion which is ridicules really.

I would never degrade my standards like that I love him as I did the moment I let him be part of me I feel like a teenager again the amount of love he gives me, the flowers whenever his away his loyalty I'm truly blessed to have him in my life there's this look in his eyes the smoothness in his voice his. He was really worth the wait he was the perfect puzzle piece in my heart I honestly don't know what I would do if I were to lose him, his my sanity my place of peace my best friend, my pillar of strength many fear what would happen if anything would happen to the other.

I can't help but laugh at him because his insecurities get the most of him sometimes I swear if he knew how much he meant to me he would have no reason to doubt my love for him, his smile could make your legs go weak true African beauty God truly took his time when he created this human drown skin beauty huge brown eyes 6 foot tall with huge masculine arms you can tell he gyms. 

I always ask myself what I did to deserve him things haven't been easy on him and it took a lot to get to where we are today. His business got bankrupt. I remember when there was a moment when he would cry in my arms because it seemed that every door he had knocked on was shut in his face. Things were so bad at some point he had to sleep on an inflatable mattress made of polyvinyl chloride that had to be pumped every ten minutes but we vowed for a better life. 

We knew better days would come our way he got part-time jobs here and there but I could almost feel the pain in his eyes. How could one be so humbled yet he had to endure so much humiliation having to do people's gardens and throwing away people's garbage so he could maintain his needs many had a lot to say about our relationship things like "how does one deal with all the negativity society has to say about unemployed men", I loved him and that's all that mattered then I never for one moment doubted his love for me I felt it, it was real it was genuine authentic it was all he could offer me at that point. 

We had both endured so much in our previous relationships that's why I vowed to love him as he had never been loved before. I could see the pain in his eyes when he told me what he had to endure because of what society had to say about him after he lost everything his job his children's respect having to move back in with his parents.

There are days when everything would be overwhelming whereby everything seemed to be caving in I remember things were so bad we could not even pretend any more but it was our love that made everything else not matter. The love he gave was unmeasured hence all the materialistic things didn't matter they all meant nothing our love was everything we both needed at that point we both had scars we both were healing so I guess that detour helped us grow stronger.

I find myself laughing at the memories we shared when we had our random braai nights and we would listen to old-school RNB and dance the night away. I think that's what kept us together we knew each other at our lowest so failure was not an option for us. 

I finally got another place that would be closer to my salon in the busy streets of Johannesburg but at least I got it in the quiet part of town in New town it was a 4-bedroom flat with 1 toilet lounge and 2 bedrooms it wasn't huge but it was my new home. Nkosana got a stable job at his father's company so he could finally sustain himself and I was working at my salon so at least I was now able to stand on my own two feet. 

It felt great to stand on my own to not have a boss breathing down my neck and the ladies made it worth waking up every day. The salon is always busy on weekends which meant more money and standing on your feet the whole day. The ladies made the salon our home and every one of the clients left with a smile on their face.

Aunty Lizzy was always the first one to arrive which gave us time to catch up on everything I missed home dearly and being around her made me almost feel at home her words of wisdom reminded me of my granny I knew that I had to go back soon but I was just not ready.

Lihle is also one of the early birds in the salon her laugh lights up every room the salon would be lifeless without her and her baby daddy's drama. She has a great heart and all but with her loud mouth, I don't know how she does it and she's still convinced she will find love again regardless of her 3 attempts of failed relationships that resulted in her being a mother of 3 different souls from 3 different men.

She still believes a rich man will come to swipe her off her feet and will marry her and her children, I respect her though I honestly don't know how she does it the love she gives her children comes so naturally, I believe her being a great mother to her children is the greatest love she could ever find.

There could never be two bulls in one kraal with her loud mouth no man could put up with her. Then there's aunt Lizzy took me in as her own daughter she's been my pillar of strength she's great at what she does so the salon is always packed it's our therapy of sorts, every day we meet new clients and devoted ones that shared their struggles with us and their relationships, we advised each trust me it was welcoming like that it was a sisterhood on another level.

Asanda was the silent one but she had her groove on around guys we always asked her how she did it how she juggled all those rich guys in one go I really don't know how she did it but all the guys were hooked she went on vacations, expensive clothing, flowers it's like they were under some hypnotic and listen it was working for her we always warned her that one day we will found her body in somebody bag in a hotel, not all these men can be trusted.

 "I always believe in hard work and independent life yes I didn't have the resources before but I have them now so I would be damned to use my body like that to get money!" 

Look I'm not judging but it's a lot having to live multiple lives like that having to lie throughout like that all for what a luxurious life! Having to connect with different spirits losing yourself emotionally draining yourself spiritually all for what to please your peers and live a high life that you yourself can't afford?

Excuse me but I need my own money to get my own patty cash spoil to spoil myself a little a bit you know I love my man but having to ask and report every errand to him will not work! Today is the 25TH you know what that means clients, all day my fingers feel like they are in stitches by the end of the day your feet would be swollen but the pay would be worth it and my clients were worth it.

Because they always randomly tipped me and tipped me well on great days I would randomly get R300 or R400. Apparently, I'm easy to relate to but I honestly shared my experiences in life and they shared their troubles too I remember my one client was one separation from her husband I could tell she wasn't herself anymore she had these bags in her eyes and she was constantly drinking she had a lot of pride but we could see right through her act and she finally had a breakdown aunt Lizzy was very wise so she advised her to fight for her husband because he truly loved her he married her with her three children from her previous failed marriage such men were hard to find my salon was our home it eased us one way or the either.  

It brought us together a sisterhood like no other my life would be meaningless without this place it is crazy how a small salon like mine brought so many lives together it was as if it was our home we were all ourselves we did not have to pretend to be something that we weren't, there was no room for judgment because we all knew that we were all imperfect our goal was to empower each and to assist each other's growth this is a messed up world so we tried by all means to bring out the best in each other to see each other successes was the icing on top of the cake there was no space for negativity in my salon. Hence it was always busy everyone felt loved and appreciated because we all came from humble beginnings once you know what it is like to struggle the only thing you ever want to do is help