Picking up the pieces

Life has a funny way of playing out. We normalize being placed in situations whereby we feel like we are drowning in the roller-coaster of emotions one moment we are happy.

Honestly, you can't explain the amount of happiness the universe is giving you. It's this hype no one could ever explain unless you are actually experiencing it. Then there is the downhill.

Most wouldn't be able to endure the pressure most would throw in the towel and in most cases would give in to drugs. Many would be able to sit back and judge but deep inside they would be fighting their own demons, others would give in to prostitution because they want to keep up with certain trends but I vowed to myself that could never be me.

Pain comes and goes but the end goal is for you to remain strong, you need to remember that what does not kill makes you stronger. I was done with being the devil's puppet he had hurt me so many times the only happiness he brought was temporal. And I honestly do not want anyone to go through what I went through I was a fool to think that I could do this on my own.

I had this dark secret hanging over me for so long and telling granny that I fell pregnant and I gave birth was not an option right now knowing her. She would have so many questions honestly, I don't have the strength for that. I just wanted to move on with my life and close that chapter I never even got the proper opportunity to grieve for her. But I know I will see her again when we get resurrected. So the main goal, for now, is to complete my grade 12.

I would be lying if I said I dreamt of living like this, but my G.O.D. has greater plans. My mom passed away when I was 14 and my dad remarried some lady in another town so basically, I was raised by my granny but I'm not the only one I live with my brother my cousin, and her son. Life hasn't been easy, especially not being able to get what most peers do but I won't let that let me down.

So yes I'm known to be that very loud girl in the neighborhood but I can't help it it's pointless living in self-pity when there's so much to live for Gran attends a lot of prayer meetings so most of the time we get clothes from people who attend prayer meetings with us and it's annoying sometimes because once in a while you would really want to wear something new but Gran will always tell you about these hands out I'm always walking barefoot foot who cares I practically grew up here I don't care about who says what but what they don't know is I don't really have shoes that fit so I prefer not to torture myself.

But don't get it twisted I make sure I look flawless every day I usually do my hair by the lady next door she's really cheap Sihle she relaxes for R20 and plaits for R30 that's why it's always packed at her salon so you must always wake up early if you want her when she's in a good mood and isn't drained, because she combs that hair out of that skull at least I know gran pulls through for that because she always wants us to look neat at school so uniforms are washed and hanged every day I'm currently in grade 12 and my cousin failed again she was supposed to be done by now but we still in the same grade.

Things haven't been the same since we lost my mom. There are days I prayed she would make it but we could see it. We saw those were her last days. She came back from Cape Town really sick. No one really told us what was wrong with her but rumors spread that she was HIV positive and you know how people are the moment you come back home sick and you are the breadwinner. She finally gave in to her pains and passed away on a Sunday afternoon.

My brother wouldn't listen. He always walked around carrying her phone and that was the last thing we had of her pictures. All our memories of her were in that phone and the idiot took it with him and was playing music when those thugs stole the last bit of her. It was a Blackberry curve everyone's dream phone but we couldn't do anything really because what could he do it was either that phone or his life another boy was stabbed and killed last week by these drug addicts only because he refused the give them his uncles cigarettes and R2 change so we were just grateful for his life.

He is also sick. He was born HIV positive so we always have to make sure Litha takes his medication on time. Phumzile has changed. Gran has just been praying and hoping she will just finish matric because she knows how hard it is for you to survive without education. But she's different; it's like she's basically living in her own fantasy. I don't know man, she gave birth to her son in grade 9 and we were hoping that would be her wake-up call but not at all she failed grade 10 and grade 11 twice. She's pregnant again. And I heard she's on drugs but I choose not to believe it.

She was chasing Litha and her son Vuyo with a knife the other day. Apparently, she was high on drugs. I thank God Gran and I wasn't there to witness that we were in town buying groceries because our grant came in. The next-door neighbors heard the children screaming and she was chasing them with a knife. They managed to get the kids away from her and got her to drink water. She was out of it and we found her shaking on the floor.

"Phumzile why don't you kill yourself if you're tired of living why would you want to kill my children what demon has gotten into you?" said Gran I could almost feel her pain through the tone of her voice

"Leave her Gran. I doubt she can even hear you. I'm just glad the children are okay." I said

"What are people going to say about you Phumzile?" said Gran

"Gran, leave her alone, come let me make you some tea and get some rest. I will make you your water bottle and wash your feet before you go to bed to get some rest." I said

I could literally see the pain in Gran's eyes but dear lord what the hell got into her wanting to kill her own blood, her own child, and her brother, drugs can even turn the most beautiful souls against you.

"Litha Vuyo come to eat!" I said

"No aunt, where is she? We are scared she's going to want to kill us again?" they both said at the same time

They were hiding in the corner of our single bed, where they slept. Their blankets smell like urine most of the time. It's pointless washing their blankets. They pee on it two days after so we just hang them outside and make their stamp on them in the big zinc bath outside on Saturdays. They were rocking up and down in fear they had this look in their eyes. My tears couldn't help but roll down.

"Come I bought a cake for you," I said

That was one of the most miserable nights. It's like this dark cloud was covering my family. I gave Litha his medication and tucked them into bed.

*Two years later*

It's my first year in varsity and I must say I have been waiting for this moment all my life, my own space not my own space really but away from the drama at home things have been going well so far. Currently doing my Bachelor of Commerce honors in management at Varsity College my granny's friend was assisting us by paying for my studies so I have to work hard and lord knows I need no distractions. The classes have been great and I made sure that I don't miss even one class. My roommate and I are pretty close to Chantel. She's been through as well. Her parents aren't well off so her family member is paying for her studies.

Then there's my sweetheart Thandi. She's the rich one in our group but prefers not to show it. When she pulls through, trust me she does. I remember there was a month when my account was frozen because my pastor's wife wasn't happy with how I had passed that semester so she didn't put in any money for two months. Thandi helped me buy groceries and toiletries. Honestly, she's an angel in disguise.

"Girl you saw that right?" said Chantel

"Saw what babe?" I said

"Thandi tell me you saw that?" said Chantel

"Yeah I definitely did," said Thandi

"Saw what? Guys, tell me what you are on about?" I said

"It doesn't matter anyway today is our last night together any suggestions," said Chantel

"I don't know what you're going on about. Instead of focusing on the lesson, you'll be starting your own crazy theories in that little twisted head of yours?" I said

"Girl you can deny it all you want but you know that you saw too." Said Chantel as she rolled her eyes and laughed

"Girl you crazy, it's a Friday our last night together so let us get some wine and order pizza, and stop with your crazy assumptions," I said

"Now that's a great idea I will pay bra Sipho for him not to search our bag!" said Thandi

"Let's start off with some ribs from steers then we will pass at Spar liquor for a 5L sweet rosé and a bottle of gin." Said Thina

"Babe did you request an Uber for us?" said Thando

"Yeah it's said his 5 minutes away let's go to the gate guys," said Chantel

I didn't want us to get into any trouble so we got something to eat and booked a motel for the night. We bumped into Lela we were in the same school but hardly spoke to each other so I was surprised when she spoke to me

"I hope you ladies aren't going back to Res with that alcohol?" said Lela

"What? no, we are going to visit a friend close by." Said I

"Please call me Lela so where are you heading we can drop you off if it's close by?" said Lela

"No it's okay we will request thank you." Said Thina

"No I insist you can't trust these Ubers lately?" said Lela

"Girl just tell her the truth we were going to get something to eat and then go to a motel we know that we can't go back to res with this!" said Thandi

"Really is that so?" Lela

"Well then let me save you the trouble and let's go back to my place," she said

 She invited us to her place I must say it's beautiful her lounge is red black and grey it's a 4 bedroom in a gated community you can tell it's she really loved her space with the painting on the wall the night was great she had two of her friends over so we played a game of 30 seconds trust me now that's the bomb dot com when you sloshed.

Thandi didn't waste any time. She was really tired so she only had one glass of wine and called it a night. I have been in the bathroom with Chantel. She wasn't feeling too good but at least she's out of it now it's just me and Lela tidying up and that's a very attractive girl who can maintain a clean place.

She was one of the most humble people I knew. I got to know the real Lela her parents passed away when she was 10 years old so walked 40 kilometers and had to swim in a river that was brown in color you could not see anything underneath the water there were a lot of crocodiles and hippopotamuses in the water so you had to be very quiet yet quick in the water a lot of people died trying the escape poverty in Zimbabwe who didn't have passports.

My tears rolled down as she told me the detours that had occurred for her to get to where she is today.

Being a nice person makes you attract nice people. She taught me a lot of things in the past couple of years. Pain can bring together broken individuals. It's my last year now. I got a call from Phumzile last night telling me Litha has passed away. He put up a good fight. We knew this day would come but I was hoping it wouldn't be now. I have to go home this weekend meaning I will be missing two of my exams but I have to pay my last respects to him.

"I'm going home this weekend," I said

"What why that crazy you know you can't miss these exams Mbalenhle." Said Lela

"My cousin passed away so I have to," I said

"But you're writing nevertheless this is very important to you too and I understand that you can't miss your brother's funeral. Can I drop you off at the taxi rank in the afternoon?" Said Lela

"I'm glad you understand okay I will be done at six," I said

Things are worse than they used to be when I last went home. Gogo is not looking so well and Phumzile has lost so much weight from the drugs, Vuyo's dad came to fetch him because he saw how bad the situation was at home. Her baby passed away during birth. I think that's what made her give up on everything. There was hardly any food in the fridge so I called Thami. I didn't know who to run to.

"I'm sorry I didn't know who else to call," I said

"It's okay I'm glad you called. I will be there first thing in the morning." Said Lela

We went to buy groceries and the boy had a dignified funeral. I hate leaving home because I fear that I will get a phone call telling me Gogo is no more. My marks dropped so the person who was assisting with my fees wasn't impressed so she stopped completely to pay for my fees so I had to go home I sent my goodbyes to everyone now I just have to say bye to Lela leaving my room knowing I'm going back to poverty is what kills me the most it's like whenever I'm going to have a breakthrough the devil blocks it.

"So you giving up just like that you leaving me your education everything just so easily really Mbalenhle?" said Lela

"If you think this is how I wanted things to end, I wanted to walk away from everything when I'm about to graduate. Clearly, you don't know me!" I said in anger

I'm pretty sure Phumzile can't wait to rub it in my face that I'm a failure just like the rest of our family, which is not true. I vowed to myself to build Gogo a beautiful home. That's a promise I vow to keep. I know it won't be easy but I know with God by my side I know there's nothing I cannot overcome. Yes, this is one of the ways the devil is trying my faith but I know something will pop up it has to.

*Incoming call Gogo*

"Hi, gran how're things at home?" I said

"Good evening my child, how are you, Phumzile is at her stances again. I promise you one of these days she's going to give me a heart attack. But I don't have enough airtime. We will talk when you get home. Send me a please call me a message when you are 10 minutes away from the bus stop. These drug addicts are out of hand lately, at least they know Phumzile they are her new friends now." Said Gran

"Mama save your airtime we will talk when I get home I love you," I said

"I love you more baby." Said Gran

As much as Qumbu is a tiny town it's truly beautiful. Do you know that saying that there's no place like home there truly is no place like home. The fresh breeze and the smell of cow dung as you pass the tiny villages truly mother nature is something else. Then there's where we stay, the total opposite of that beauty there's sewage running in between our shacks rubbish stuck in the gutters.

Our next-door neighbor has no self-respect. She just throws her dirty water. She bathed it from her doorstep so you better peep first before you pass her shack if you don't want to get yourself a fresh warm dirty water bath.

I remember there was this time I was truly having a bad day at school, I was starving, and my feet were aching from the small shoes I was wearing. If you think things could get any worse I felt a huge splash. I had just got my hair done and the math textbook got wet too. I begged my granny to get me. She spent the last grant money that she had been saving for 3months for me to get my textbook.

All that wicked lady could say was watch where you are going. I swear if Gran didn't tell me to respect the elders I would have gone all ghetto on her. I remember walking home in tears. Gran just got back from her prayer meeting and she had freshly baked scones. I remember her sweet scent around my arm.

I took a warm bath and she made us a cup of coffee. She helped me dry my hair so basically, the day didn't end that badly. After all that drama and tears I only had to deal with my mathematics teacher.

I don't know how Gran copes without the children; they were the heartbeat of the family. It is one thing to lose two children due to death but the amount of pain of having them taken from you whilst you are still alive is indescribable. I do get where Nkonkeli was coming from but Gran took that child in as her own from the day he was born. There's no one to annoy us every night by telling us to tell them bedtime stories. You never know the amount of joy that tiny souls bring till they are no longer there.

Happiness is something that I have never truly felt. Everything that is good in my life never stays. My biggest fear is losing my Gran. She is all I have in this messed-up world as for Phumzile, I won't give up on her because 

I know that she would never give up on me one thing I have learned in life is that blood is thicker than water.

Throughout the hardships I had to deal with trying over and over again only for me to fail does drain me but I know that I cannot afford to give up. For I know that I have dealt with worse and everything that occurs in my life is not meant to break me, it only makes me stronger.

I won't lie though sometimes I feel like I'm drowning and that I might just suffocate and die beneath it all but it is my faith that keeps me going and that holds me by my hand when everyone else doesn't. This life most of the time never makes sense so I stopped trying to figure it out rather I focused on surviving, my sanity comes first so I started working on myself more so that I could deal with everything heads on I may not know what tomorrow has in store for me but I will take each day as it comes.