How do I forget?

I am finally getting discharged today I missed my family dearly and my husband too. Look I serve a true God and if you think he doesn't exist then let me take you through my experience as a whole, there's so much that has happened but I think I will focus on the one that thought me life lessons.

Lessons I treasure for the longest time. I believe your teen years are the hardest to overcome some end up being swallowed up by peer pressure others dust themselves up and keep going. It's an experience no one could explain no one could live it for you.

Mine well it's been a crazy journey I met up with fake friends, friends that have turned to family abusive relationships hey man it's been a lot.

Incoming call

"Hello baby," Said Ezile

"Hey," I said

"How are you feeling this morning?" said Ezile

"I'm okay where you are?" I said I just went straight to the point

"I'm downstairs I'm coming up," said Ezile

I was all packed up and ready to leave I still did not have enough strength to walk on my own so the nurse helped me sit in a wheelchair it was not long before Ezile came rushing into my ward with my file in his hand

"Baby tell me is it not true?" said Ezile his eyes were blood red his hands were shaking

"What baby what are you talking about?" I said still very confused

"What are you talking about you are talking in riddles?" I said

"I, I was going through your file and," said Ezile's tears came rolling down before he could even finish his statement

"Talk to me Ezile is what true? The suspense is killing me what are you talking about?" I said in a pleading voice

"It says it says that you were pregnant," said Ezile as he walked out

My legs went weak I knew I was pregnant and I lost the baby because of the shooting I know I was supposed to tell him but I did not want Ezile to find out about it like this I always made excuses just to avoid it.

Now that Ezile knows it's as if this huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders all the emotions came pouring down everything felt so new again. I could forgive Ezile's business partner for many things but he went too far this time around my biggest fear was that I would never be able to carry my own seed again. My tears came pouring down my face not being able to carry my own seed made me feel less of a human. I gave Ezile a few minutes to blow some steam it was not long before he came back to fetch me.

The walk to the parking lot was a silent one and I knew I had to break the ice before we got home to the family.

"I'm sorry," I said

"Why are you sorry my princess?" Said Ezile he looked really confused

"I'm sorry for everything and I'm sorry for putting you through this," I said before I broke down in tears

"Hey, look at me this is none of your fault okay I love you Mbalenhle and I will never ever allow anything like that to happen to you again," said Ezile as he kissed me on my hand. All my pains disappeared for a while it was as if melted away for a while things. If you thought things could not get any better we saw Ezile's business partner's car parked outside

"You got to be kidding me!" said Ezile as he speed inside the yard

"I'm will be back in a moment," said Ezile he as stormed out of the car

"You really do not respect me you come to my home shot my wife killed my child then still have the nerve to show that coward face here!" said Ezile as he punched him

"Stop guys please stop it!" I said as I tried to pull Ezile but Ezile pushed me by mistake I knew something was wrong because I heard a hug snap in my spine I screamed so loud I could not explain the amount of pain I was enduring at that moment

"Why don't you just leave and then never come back all you do is cause us pain!" said Ezile as he carried me up and took me back into the house

"I'm sorry Mbalenhle I promise to leave and never come back I'm just truly sorry for everything I put you through," he said

And that was the last time I saw him and he never ever returned we pressed chargers which were useless really because he had connections everywhere so most likely he would have been overseas by now.

It has been the hardest months of my life but I'm just grateful for the strength the lord blessed me and my family with and Ezile has been my pillar of strength. I question myself every day, I still do not know how I would be able to cope without my family because they are the only reason I wake up every day the only ones that made all the pain disappear for a while.

My family has not asked me about what happened and I didn't touch that topic the only person that bothered me was my husband so I had a conversation with Ezile and he reached out to them. Most men if not all have been blocked from expressing their emotions and are expected to be strong and wise even if everything seems to be beyond them.

 I knew my husband had more strength then I did and I did not take his kindness for a weakness I just did not have the strength to deal with everything at the moment and I knew my family wanted answers that I could not provide. 

I wanted my family to never fear us and I wanted them to know that we would always be there for them. If we do not groom our children in a proper manner it may cause them to seek guidance in the wrong places which may lead them to seek acceptance from society. Which is the worst place a person can find themselves because the devil is always ready to devour them.

The problem with not realizing how deep the damage is after a traumatic event has occurred in their lives, is we never outgrow that stage in ourselves and we stay stuck in that position. Many of us tend to ignore or rather chose to hide certain topics because we fear and chose not to relive that experience sadly our children will grow up broken very same future generation that is expected to be tough, to protect, and build proper homes for their own families how could they if they were was broken themselves.

I myself know what trauma did to me so I could not afford my family to go through that. God forbid seeing them in pain so all the cards were on the table, tear were flowing but at least the truth was out there. 

We have to acknowledge what has occurred and what scars came from the pains we go through in order to grow we need to understand that children face dealing with their emotions differently making them vulnerable to many things in this wicked world.

It is our job as parents to be their pillar of strength it is rare enough to find children that are open and willing to talk about what they are truly feeling within and to let go of all the pains they keep bottled up inside. I know so much has occurred I won't give up on them and I love them beyond words so I will make it my everyday assignment to be the best that I can be for my family. I had a conversation with Ezile, he was the man for this job grooming my family that is, and I have been through a lot so I will try by all means to protect them.

So I just pray Ezile will be patient just as a tree takes time to come into its fullness and blossom and to bare fruits, he too had to embark this journey with patients as a man who is learning to embrace his deeper truths will need time to fully ripen into his potential. He had to also not only groom our children but he so had to learn their behavior and to understand what they were going through and to try by all means to show them how to express their feelings. 

I in the other hand had to be the best mom I can be so that they will know what to look for in a woman and they will treat their wives with respect.

My family looked so innocent when they were asleep how does God allow the devil to hurt such innocent souls to go allow them to go through all of this yet he claims he loves us but then again I remember it is only the devil that enjoys seeing us in pain. God hates to see us in pain. Nevertheless, I won't give up I will fight till I take my last breath I will give them everything they wanted and more because I know what it is like to be almost destroyed by people around you. 

I want them to stay true to themselves to never change who they are because of the bitter individuals they will meet in this wicked world I wish I had protected them enough and that I didn't allow things to get so far the worst mistake I did was not being able to face my problems head-on. 

I kept running not realizing that I was running from myself I wish I knew then what I know now because if I did I would have made better decisions I may have not had the strength before but I do now and I will make sure or rather try by all means to make sure my children do not repeat my mistakes.

I have come to realize that I may not be able to be with them all their lives but I will try to be there whenever they need me I don't ever want them to feel like they are alone because that may lead them to fear and I never ever want to see them shed a tear because I will always be near. 

There is nothing that could take their place in my life they are the only reason I wake up everything with no regrets they are the only reason why I keep going even if everything else is beyond me.

Love is something else it could build you or be the death of you love can make you make decisions that will last for a lifetime love can be beautiful but also ugly so I want them to know their true worth so that they won't settle for less for they are royalty so they deserve only loyalty. I wish I could protect them from this wicked world I wish we could move away to stay in a place where they won't be any tears and a place we won't have to live our lives in fear.

I only want the best for them looking at those small faces brings pain in my heart and leaves me with a scar that will never heal I hope they will realize how much I loved them and that everything I ever did was love them and the only thing I ever wanted for them is to protect them at all costs. I know that they will have a lot of questions that I may not be able to answer but I want them to know that the only thing I ever did was love them and that they are the greatest thing that has happened in my life. I want them to know that it is not everyone that smiles in your face that wants to see you make it.

I need them to be physically and emotionally prepared for the detours that will be placed in front of them I need them to remain strong and to overcome anything and everything that stands in the way they are royalty so they deserve all the loyalty in the world. I may not be able to be there for them throughout their lives. I may not be able to live their lives for them but I will try by all means to give them everything they deserve and more.

I need them to realize that they are capable of achieving everything and anything with that being said people's opinions about them should not matter they are the only people who have the strength to choose who they let in their lives. I want them to stay strong and to remain unshakeable. There are a lot of detours that will be placed in front of them because the devil will be jealous of their success but they need to remain strong and to pray.

They need to know that the devil will make temporary positions seem to be great but he only uses you and then leaves you when things get tough he knows his time on earth is limited so he will try to take as many people with him as possible I want them to build a relationship with the creator because he is the only one who will protect them I need them to stay strong and to have a lot of faith because once they do then nothing can stand in their way no weapon formed against them shall prosper.

I know how the devil tries to destroy good individuals but they should never fear for I am a living example that my Creator's love knows no end and he will also look over them. For years he has been by my side and never failed me I may have failed him a few times but he has never left my side. I don't know why I had to go through everything I did and I still do not know where did it go all wrong but what I know is everything that I went through built me and made me stronger and wiser than anything I learned to never ever let my guard down rather pray for more wisdom so that he may provide a way for me and my family.

Everyone should rather learn from their past and try to help the next generation so that they do not repeat those mistakes, yes we are all bound to fall from time to time but it is your assignment to help the next generation to be the best version of themselves. This makes it my assignment as well to be everything I need to be for them and to groom them to be the best versions of themselves I know it won't be easy but it definitely will be worth it.

No one deserves pain no one deserves to feel worthless because if someone else's deeds. My family was all so innocent that I no longer cared about myself because it was their happiness that came first from the beginning. I may have stumbled a few times but I know I did all I could to be the best person to anyone that loved me.

I want my family to have that endless love because it is that caring heart that will open so many doors for them but they should never ever be so kind that they allow people to overstep the boundaries in their lives. I know what my wisdom did for me I just hate the fact that I lived for so long that I almost lost the true meaning of living. 

Of giving love to those who mean the world to me I may have watered my love in the wrong places a few times but it has been truly worth the journey.

The one thing every parent prays for in their children's lives is success, wisdom and respect and knowing they cannot do it alone so they turn to the only person who cares about the Creator he is the only person who can truly help them. For he knows their weakness and builds them to be the best that they can be. No weapon formed against them shall prosper because they always have angels watching over them the Creator will give them power that no man could ever define. 

It is their faith that keeps them going and that helps them overcome anything and everything placed in front of them for God looks at the human's heart he doesn't allow the devil to have the last laugh rather he makes a mockery of him and places him in his position he proves to him that he will always be two steps ahead. What many tend to forget is that even the devil was created and was thrown down by the Creator he knows his time is short so he will try to do anything and everything to take as many people as possible.

We just need to pray and hope for the best to never lose hope and always stay strong to believe that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. I know we are not the best humans on earth we all live and we learn from our past mistakes I know my children will fall along the way but I won't give up on them I want them to always know that I will always be there for them and that I will help them in any way that I can.

 I was a rare flower that ended in the wrong hands so I don't want my children to go through that rather I want them to only attract what is meant for them I want them to know that love does not hurt.

Yes our emotions may get the best of us sometimes but it is your job to stay strong and to be the better version of yourself this may not be easy at times poverty may seem to be unbearable but stay strong because it is worth the wait it is worth the time and dedication. 

It is worth the tears and the loyalty do not judge yourself there is only one God who has the power of doing that but pray endlessly to receive what is meant for you. 

Do not let worldly possessions fool you they only move you from your path rather work hard and water your seed 

"Good things come to those who wait and to those who chose the real side the true side."

Change your ways from everyone else and prove to them that you are different your inner child is never wrong so listen to them and fix yourself so that you can prove to them that your creator is mover powerful than any false God. I want them to stay strong and endure everything and pray endlessly for wisdom. 

A wise man cannot be shaken be a man of their word do not look back and judge themself rather stay strong and keep going keep fighting, It was my Creator that help me over and over again that took my hand, and paved a way for me for so many years I had lived my life in fear not know that my creator had my back.

I did not want my children to go through what I went through I don't want them to struggle or to feel that they need to fit in because they don't. So much happened in such a short period of time in my life which taught me to be wise and to work hard for what I want and what I need in life and I thank God every day for giving me the strength to do it I do not want my children to suffer and to feel the need to do something that will hurt them in the long run to help themselves.

That's why I created a solid foundation for them that will help them, in the long run, the sweat and tears that took place for us to get to where we are today is worth it and I hope that I did everything that I could do for them to love me endlessly they are the only reason I haven't given up they are the only reason I get up and fight for a better life every day my life would be meaningless without them they are what one call a limited edition close to perfect if you ask me.

They are the only reason I woke up and gave it my all although everything felt like it was overwhelming for a moment. And I felt like I drowning and that I would eventually die due to everything thing caving in but it is their love their unconditional love that motivated me to get up and to give my all time and time again.