GOOD GIRL GONE BAD

Nangamso Gcadinja

The wife of a hustler.

"There for striving to assist the next coming generation or leaving a legacy is not a bad idea in itself."

Surviving poverty in the busy streets of Soweto.

The wife of a hustler 

Edition 1 •

CONTENTS

Introduction 

1 GOOD-GIRL GONE BAD 

2 Survival 

3 The affair

4 Picking up the pieces 

5 Returning home

6 A blur line

7 Reliving

8 Where do you draw the line?

9 I am no longer available for things that mess with my peace 

10 My reflection 

11 Returning to the busy streets of Jozi

12 Granny's arrival

13 The next step

14 The battle

15 The proposal

16 The bachelor party

17 Will it ever end?

18 His release

19 Your past mistakes do not define who you are

20 Forgiveness

21 Growth

22 Our lives may not fit together

23 A letter to myself

24 Remember to live while you are busy surviving 

25 The back door 

26 Love

27 Commitment

28 HEALING

29 The soccer match

30 My heart in a human form a friend I could never replace

31 The wedding preparations

32 The lobola negotiation's 

33 My official unofficial

34 Our last day in the Cape

35 Acceptance

36 The 9th of November 

37 Fatal attraction 

38 The rebirth of Mbalenhle

39 How do I forget?

40 Hope

Introduction

Any discussion of the creative works of Nangamso Gcadinja The wife of a hustler is the first of her masterpieces. The other imaginative works she had published previews of on her blog the pain behind her smile seemed to be liked by many because the page grow tremendously. She is currently working on her two novels Forgiveness in a psychological sense and 'The tears of a Nubian Queen.'

Her completed novel 'The wife of a hustler' on which she worked spasmodically for more the four years was published in 2022.

It seems that Nangamso Gcadinja started writing 'The wife of a hustler' before 'Forgiveness in a psychological sense' and 'The tears of a Nubian Queen, although 'The wife of a hustler, is her first work to be published. It was begun at Crown Gardens, in Johannesburg South Africa. The wife of a hustler like its predecessor Forgiveness in a psychological sense went through many titles. Nangamso Gcadinja states in her unpublished 'Notes':

She was going to call 'The wife of a hustler' 'One should wait for the right moment.' With a motto of her own, 'where do you draw the line between love and lust?' But found that it could not define the realist of the book. She wanted something that would stand out from the crowd. Without attracting too much attention. She explains that it was during her time of distress her time of expressing her true thoughts, writing that is. She says that most of the books she worked on were based on actual life events.

It was completed and revised before the end of 2021 and sent to different book apps where she was advised to do certain changes, and that the novel should be shortened. The book was rejected at first for these reasons as varied as the fact that the conduct of lack or originality and was too depressing for many.

It was finally accepted for publication by the Libri app in March 2022, Nangamso Gcadinja a Xhosa woman from Eastern Cape Qumbu was determined to be acknowledged against all odds she did not want material riches but rather something that could assist the next generation. To try to help them in some way. She was a teen mom and says it wasn't easy trying to cope with everything that was happening around her but refused to give up.

"Having to fail so many times, I recall this moment I didn't know what path I should go having to pursue my career and being a single parent is not easy but what I truly needed was to find my true passion and I truly could have not done it alone, I couldn't allow the detours and setbacks overwhelm me." She says.

She was privileged to get a certificate for completing the writing for young readers course which assisted her a lot in her writing, which is a great introduction for new or aspiring writers and includes interviews with successful authors David Hill and Uma Krishnaswami, an author of picture books and children's novels as well as Apirana Taylor, a poet, novelist, and story-teller. With such great editorship, I believe you enjoy these exquisite masterpieces she created especially for you.

Surviving poverty in the busy streets of Soweto.

The wife of a hustler

Edition 1 •

Chapter 1: Good girl gone bad

Turns out you are the only person who has the keys to your success, many mistake these things for material possessions forgetting the true meaning of living. This is not a guideline for your life because there is a creator who is always there to assist you in your battles rather it is a way of showing you how many survived the detours placed in front of them. It is crazy how you find yourself in situations you never imagined to be placed in, but the end goal is to not give up and to keep going remember to not be too hard on yourself because you are only finding your feet, rather pray for wisdom because it is only a wise man that knows that there will always be light at the end of the day. I always dreamt of marrying the man I loved and getting my parent's approval, because I know it is only through them I could ever succeed, seeing them smile has always been my number one priority.

Something I never thought could vanish in the blink of an eye, but I refuse to give up. Giving up is never an option. I won't let my foolish mistakes define my mistakes. I hate how I allowed my emotions to get the best of me nevertheless I won't allow my past mistakes to define my future.'

One thing I have learned in life is don't blame yourself for things that are beyond your control, don't let toxic people destroy your peace, and forgive yourself to let go of hatred. It destroys you more than anyone else.

Never compare yourself to anyone. That's unnecessary pressure, build yourself, and invest in yourself because, at the end of the day, you only have your back. Always remember that life is your journey so do not temporarily situations define your future rather learn to appreciate the beautiful gifts you have been blessed with. Most importantly love yourself no one in the world could endure half of the things you have been through.

The wife of a hustler.

Look it hasn't been easy but I wouldn't change the life I have for the world. It is not perfect but I really had to endure a lot to get to where I am today. It's been a hard journey. I know I was born for a purpose, I go by the name of Mbalenhle Khoza here's my journey. Life is a journey that no one could ever really define even the most precious souls will find themselves in the worst situation.

I'm not your typical girl from the hood nor am I from a well of a family but I would be lying if I said my Granny never pulled through because she did. I would say I had always been that girl who enjoyed the hood lifestyle. My obsession with B.M.W 325 is on another level. The total opposite of my granny's prayer meetings that's her second home and always tried to convince me otherwise about the hood, but I wanted to feel it and taste it firsthand. I needed space from everyone and everything.

As much as I would wake up with and fake a smile, a part of me was dying. I had never been fascinated by boys don't get me wrong. My number one priority is to complete my school, get a Diploma or a Degree only then get married. I saw how lonely my granny would get at times, so I wanted something different from that. I wasn't good at making friends. They came to me somehow if we had something in common.

My friends invited me to go with them to town to watch a movie and then we would get something to eat. I told them I didn't have any cash on me but insisted that I should go. I hardly ever go out so I asked my gran if I could go and she agreed. The day was rather embarrassing than pleasant. My outfit was fine, it was the shoes that were the problem. They were torn underneath but in good shape on top so I had to walk in a particular way.

My beauty made up for my broken shoes. I am tall and a bit light in completion. With little hips and dimples, I was wearing black jeans a black top, and black Vans. I had arrived in town and Aviwe was waiting for me there before her other friends arrived. I think she saw my shoes but remained silent and insisted that we grabbed something to eat instead of walking around. We finally arrived at MacDonald's and she ordered something for us to eat. I heard her friend's comments about shoes when I wasn't looking but I wasn't bothered really because I looked really beautiful so I didn't let them get the best of me.

"Thank you again for today," I said

"No thank you. I hope we can go out again but without everyone else," said Aviwe as she hugged me and we went our separate ways. It was getting dark and I was stuck in this old taxi because it would not move unless it was full. I looked behind me because I thought I 

had heard a familiar voice and I was right. It was Lesedi from my old school. We weren't on great terms. We weren't on good terms in primary but at least I would not have to walk alone in the dark. My granny and her society members were heading to Johannesburg today because it was one of those big gatherings this weekend.

"Mbalenhle I am leaving today please take care of the children your aunt will arrive in the afternoon," said Gran as she was packing her clothes

"Okay, Gran I will please come back with a beautiful dress for me," I said

"Consider it done I love you my princess you are our pillar of strength may you be blessed beyond your expectations," Said Gran as she hugged me.

"Take these to the car they are outside I just need to finish a few things," said Gran

"Okay, ma I will," I said

I hated how my life felt stuck. I needed to talk to someone and I did not know who to reach out to. That is how I met Ezile. He was still very young and had a lot of dreams and ambitions which made it easy for us to relate. I did want to look weak and I guess it made it easy for me to communicate my troubles with him. He listened without judgment and was the most humble person I have ever met. One could tell he had been through a lot. I could see the pain in his eyes so I guess we had that in common remaining strong in situations that were meant to destroy us.

He had lost his job at the Game Reserve and having to start over every time put a strain on him but he always had this spark of hope that kept him going. His dad bought him a minibus to help him so that he could provide for himself I guess that was his way of trying to keep him off the streets.

My granny's society members always hired him when they had to go to the city of gold, Johannesburg. I always imagined it to be this luxurious place. Where everyone drove expensive cars and ate divine food don't get me wrong it's not that I'm looking down on my community but there has to be a better life than this.

I refuse to end up being stuck in a loveless marriage so a man can provide for me. I can't and I won't let that happen. Seeing my mom get sick like that in the blink of an eye taught me something to seek in dependency so I can build my family home. My granny and the society had these huge gatherings 3 times a year. Those are the good days because I get to see Ezile and we get sufficient food that will keep us going for a couple of months before starvation takes place.

So no he's not the ideal man my granny expected me to bring home. Life has been a roller-coaster for both of us. I dropped out of school because I could no longer afford to pay my school fees and those trips he took weren't enough to sustain the both of us but he promised to come back once he got a place for us to stay in the city of gold. I know Gran won't take the news quite well but I have to one day she will understand.

So today is the big day. I cooked and cuddled the boys to bed and Gogo was fast asleep. I had written her a note explaining to her that I was heading for Johannesburg. I told her I would stay in touch that I would come home every December and that I loved her dearly. My tears rolled down uncontrollably when I wrote this note so there were a few teardrops on it.

I had left my bag under the bucket outside in case gran would wake up whilst I was still escaping. How do I explain the bag? But she was deep asleep so I silently sneaked outside and ran to the back and took my clothes underneath the bucket, changed my sleeping clothes, and slipped on my worn-out jeans and my oversized jacket Ezile had promised to meet me at the bus stop at 8:00 pm. It was dark because our shacks had no street lights, as a result, the crime rate was high. A lot of the boys in our community are on drugs due to unemployment. So it was very risky to walk around alone at night light let alone to use my phone but I had to call Ezile because if I didn't I would get mugged for standing in the dark alone.

"Ezile I'm at the bus stop where are you?" I said anxiously

"Hey, I'm sorry I thought you changed your mind. I'm at the garage, I'm on my way." Said Ezile in excitement

I saw his minibus approaching. I could not explain the emotions that were going through my mind. I wish I had thought about the decision that I was making before everything got out of hand. Nevertheless, I'm just glad he kept his promise, and finally, I will be leaving this place. Go bye Eastern Cape city of gold here I come.

"Mbalenhle?" said Ezile in disbelief

"Ezile!" I said

My mind was all over the place a little thing I learned is to never make irrational decisions based on the emotions that you are feeling at that point

"So you here, you really you here with me?" Ezile said in disbelief with a huge smile on his face

"But I told you I would and you came for me too," I said

Being the crybaby I am, my tears came pouring down my face I hate how emotional I get sometimes it makes me look so weak, and honestly, I'm not my mom for used to cry for everything whether she was happy or sad tears were her way of showing her joy so I guess that passed down to me too. A part of me knew that these tears were flowing from my eyes because of regret.

"Baby you crying, if you are not ready I will wait for you I promise, and come visit every month till I have sufficient money to pay for your lobola and we will do things the proper way," said Ezile as his eyes were fixed on mine as if he was sharing for reassurance

"I'm not crying because I'm sad I'm crying because I'm happy I'm just glad you pulled through for me. I never thought I could ever find a person who would save me from this place." I said

That was the worst mistake I had ever made, leaving the only place that provided me with real protection. And I am hoping that a lot of you may learn from my mistakes and that you will not repeat them.

"Mbali look I'm not financially stable as yet but I promise to buy you a huge house and whatever car you want but for now we have to start somewhere I will do my best to make sure you have everything you need," said Ezile

The drive to Johannesburg was one long one I asked myself how he does it, driving all night, that is I could hardly keep my eyes open for the rest of the trip yet his eyes were wide open I have never let my gut down so easily I hope that I won't regret this because there is no going back now. My heart raced faster than anything on earth when I thought of my family but honestly, I knew that they would not understand what I was going through and they had enough problems they had to deal with. A part of me wanted to go back home but there was no going back. I was a fool to think that I could run away from myself.

So Soweto is nothing like I had expected. There are a lot of street vendors and others sleeping on the street due to drugs, the total opposite of the way people explain it in the cape. Everyone was on their grind Ezile stayed at this house. The yard was very clean. You could tell the landlord was very strict; you could hardly find a piece of paper on the floor. We were renting a cottage at the back. It was away from everyone, and everything that wasn't going right in my life at that moment.

I question myself daily how can a beautiful individual make such foolish mistakes and the answer that kept coming up was pain. How did I even begin to release myself from this? My heart shattered into a million pieces because I knew what was going to happen next. I knew this moment would come but I was hoping it would be at a later stage.

I feel rather guilty rather than happy but I have to fake a smile and deal with it. It is always wise to think twice before making any drastic decision. I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt so I poured myself another cup of wine and ate some chocolate since there was nothing to eat. I was a bit hungry.

The fridge was empty; it had only three one-liter blacks and leftovers of a KFC Streetwise two. I wanted to cook but how could I move on with my life and act like everything in my life was okay when it wasn't? I failed my family so much and all I ever wanted was to make them proud. I heard the door handle cringe. I knew that was him and my heart was pounding.

A part of me knew that I wasn't ready for the world and that I still needed to learn a lot about how a young individual could take care of anybody else yet I am still finding myself. Well, that is something I felt like I had to do all my life but I know one day all of this will make sense it has to.

I know that what doesn't break you makes you stronger but I have been fighting all my life and I was tired now a part of me also died in the process of it all.

"Mbali? You look like you have just seen a ghost" said Ezile

"No nothing I'm just thinking that all," 

I said

My head dropped down in shame and my smile quickly vanished.

"What have I done?" I said as I looked away

"Have you heard anything from the family?" He said

"No, I had left a note explaining to them that I was leaving I left it on the kitchen table so most properly she will see it in the morning," I said

"I'm sorry that I put you through this." He said

Many of us are told to wait for marriage before we give away the special key. We are always told that it is a sin. But we are never told the dangers of not waiting for the right man for not waiting for your husband the moment you unlock that key you no longer have any control over your emotions. That is how I lost the most important key to marriage in my granny's eyes. I felt bad because I knew what I did was wrong and I could never get it back. There is a thin line between love and lust, my dear, the devil wants you to think leaving the only place that could provide you with protection and sexual desires will provide you happiness far from it rather you are left with so much guilt. I never knew one night would change my life so much.

'A few moments later

There are moments when I find myself talking to myself in my head and questioning myself if I am happy with what I have but I am not happy rather there is this guilty feeling I cannot rub off. I wish one could turn back the hands of time sometimes and I wish I never allowed my emotions to get the best of me sometimes. Do I love Ezile with no doubt in my mind but was it all worth it well only time will tell?

"What did I do to deserve you though? I Love you my angel never for one moment doubt that my angel," said Ezile

Damn, these tears again I tried to speak but no words were coming out. All I could do at that moment was look at him. I was still so numb from this whole situation. I just wish I had waited and that I had more strength so that you would be shaken by things that were just temporally How could one ever be at ease when their world is falling apart whenever I smiled I just thought of home and that smile quickly vanished I missed home dearly the thought of Granny shutters my heart into a million pieces but not being able to help my family made me feel so worthless but I doubt my granny will view it like that I just hope she will find it in her heart to forgive me.

"Good morning my angel, here is some breakfast. It's not much but I left money in the drawer so you can buy what we will need for now. I'm leaving now Zakes called me and said he needs me to help him with something get yourself a phone I'm tired of hearing your phone going to voicemail I love you baby I will see you later." said Ezile

"Okay, I love you more my love take care of yourself," I said

I could tell that he was trying to make me feel happy but we were living a lie and we could never run away from that. He left to start his daily routine. He looked clean as always as it was raining outside so he was wearing black jeans with Timberland's black polo neck and a leather jacket. I requested to go to South Gate Mall. It seemed to be a bit far from all the busy streets of the hood. I just need to numb myself to get away from all the drama that has been happening. Ezile left money in the drawer and when I called to ask how much I should spend he told me there was no limit, best believe I was ready to turn our place into a home.

I first got us nice bedding and sheets and I also got ointments to decorate our place it felt rather empty I knew no money in this world could make me feel any better but I just needed something to keep me busy so got groceries done my nails and my second last stop was at this perfume place and I got Prada perfume one needs to smell nice my last stop was to buy wine as I was about to request I saw Ezile's car driving like a psychopath at the parking lot I don't even know how he knew I was there he was fuming.

"Mbalenhle you haven't been here for two minutes and you are all over like you grew up here. Who the hell do you know here how did you even find out about this place?!" said Ezile, fuming with anger

"Mbalenhle I'm talking to you what can't talk anymore?" said Ezile

I wanted to say something but I was numb and my tears came pouring down again. He grabbed the trolley from the attendant and threw everything in the car. I was speechless. He had turned into someone else his veins were showing on the side of his head and he smoked cigarette after cigarette the whole way home.

I just needed a glass of wine and my pillow so I could cry all the frustration out. I have never been good with words so I believe crying relieves a lot of my frustration. The problem with rushing things is that you hardly give yourself time to think before doing something.

In most cases, most of us are left with regret rather than happiness when we do things without thinking about the outcomes. One should never allow their emotions to get the best of them.

"You haven't been here for more than two minutes Mbahlenhle yet you are already everywhere who do you know here do you know how dangerous it is on this side, do you know how agonizing it was waiting and waiting for you to get back?" Said Ezile.

I don't even know how he knew where I was. I had never seen him so angry he had veins popping out on the side of his head. With the speed we were at we could have crashed at any moment, I could tell by his tone that he was extremely angry

"Slow down Ezile! Ezile, I said slow down!" I said in a firmer voice it felt like my heart was about to jump out of my chest

He slammed the car door as he stormed out of the car I carried the groceries inside. I did not bother myself by asking Ezile for help honestly I did not have the strength for that drama. I cooked beef stew and took out a cold beer for him as he took a shower it was quite tense that night and he ate in dead silence. I tried to talk but no words were coming out. He went straight to bed and faced the other side.

"I'm sorry babe for staying out for so long I just wanted to make our place more welcoming I just really miss home I'm sorry I truly am sorry," I said

But he just remained silent. I miss home now more than anything. But something inside of me changed. I feel valueless now and honestly, there is no love left for me to give because how could I love anybody else if I could not love myself at that point? Many of us may be fooled by our peers or we may allow ourselves to believe that a man would love us more if you gave him the most precious gift on earth that was meant to be saved for that special person. What they won't tell you is the spiritual connection that comes with it. A man who truly loves you will wait for you, don't get me wrong, we are only humans but let us educate our future generation.

Men are not only attracted to your physical appearance rather your soul matters the most. What many won't tell you is the amount of emotional and physical pain that comes with it, it is deeper than what reaches the eye.

Many won't tell you the amount of pain one endures if that precious gift lands in the wrong hands. Many won't tell you the emptiness that comes with it if it opened at the wrong time it is a connection no man could ever define.

There is a reason why we are told we should wait for marriage first before having any sexual intercourse because that connection is deeper than anything and the moment you unlock that chapter you unlock you enter a different universe if you are not careful you might make foolish mistakes that cannot be taken back most of the time we make decisions that will change our lives forever it is a connection one could never define.

My advice to many would be that one should wait for the right moment, do not be shaken by temporally things or pain, stay strong, and be firm. Remember that what does not break you makes you stronger. Do not be like the rest, rather have a backbone and know when to say no.

"Zakes and his girl Gugu are coming over for a braai. I will buy drinks and meat just get the pap and salads done. I don't like it when you are alone. It's time you made friends." He said

I could tell he was trying but there was nothing he could do that would make things right. If only I had waited, if only I did not let my emotions get the best of me then I doubt that I would have been placed in this position. Nevertheless, I hope I will get the strength to save myself from this. Gugu is the only person that I get to communicate my problem with. I still do not know how I got to this. All I ever wanted was someone who could look at me with no judgment. I wanted to have a partner who could assist my growth and not look down on me. I knew how most rich people looked down on the poor so I wanted a partner that would assist my growth.

I was bullied throughout my childhood so the moment I got my voice I promised to never let anyone make me feel like I was worthless ever again. I had always been that loud chick around the ones I cared about but deep inside I was lost. I just needed to fit in, you know, to be the cool girl in the class. I tried to wear a mask over my emotions because I hated how everyone looked at me with pity in their eyes.

As a result, my life took a huge U-turn from what I had planned. I allowed my emotions to make me make irrational decisions. I left the only place that provided me with real protection, but I am here now, and honestly, I do not know how I got here but I won't give up. A dream may seem to be stupidity in many people's eyes at this point but I know that there has to be light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time in my life, I do not know what tomorrow has in store for me and that is what kills me more than anything nevertheless I will take each day as it comes.

Losing my key to education many would think I dropped out but didn't financially my family was going through the most. It broke my hurt into a million pieces being stuck in itself broke me in so many ways it breaks my hurt to see so many young individuals lose themselves time and time again because of the pressures of life. Time is never guaranteed so use it wisely. Most of the time we waste so much of our time trying to fit in or to try to be loved by everyone else to try to please everyone else we lose the true meaning of living the true beauty of growth it's sad how we run into seeking in-dependency and seeking a life that could almost destroy you.

Happiness has only been one's dream in my family; most of them perish in the blink of an eye. Many believe we were cursed and that curse is passed down from generation to generation. I was my granny's last hope and yet here I am living in sin no different from the rest of my relatives. I dropped out of school in grade 11 because my gran could no longer afford the school fees.

I know that I have failed my family in so many ways but I promise to get my family the life they deserve it may take some time but won't rest till I build my gran the house that she deserves my life might have taken a U-turn but I still understand the assignment and one day all of this will make sense and it will be worth it.

Money is the root of all evil. Poverty can make you make the most irrational decisions sometimes you will find yourself in a lifestyle one would only watch in the movies. How does a good- girl like me make such foolish decisions? Well, I sat down and questioned my inner self and the answer that kept coming up was pain. I hate that I allowed myself to get to this but I guess everything that occurs in our life occurs for a reason.

I may not have the power to predict the future but I 

know that I was born for a purpose and I will not rest till I get to where I need to be. At the end of the day, it is my journey so I set it at my pace.

There is no room for judgment because I was only finding my feet and seeking assistance in all the wrong places as a result I almost lost myself and I promise to never allow myself to go through that again I wouldn't want anyone else to go through what I went through either I almost lost myself in the process of it all that was the scariest thing I had ever gone through.