010 ※ Next Steps [VI]

ANOTHER GOAL I NEED TO ACCOMPLISH is to make my dad choose an archery tutor for me as fast as possible, because back in my previous life he only had this idea about four months from now, claiming that once I had already mastered swordsmanship, I should try mastering the bow and arrow. And although I was outstanding in fighting with literally all weapons before I died, I am not sure if I can perform just as well in this body as I could in my twenty-seven-year-old one. And especially if that's possible, I will need an excuse for my archery skills. Because I don't think they would believe in me if I said that I learned that in a dream.

Moreover, the reason for me to 'learn' archery, is because I always had the desire to kill the 3rd Imperial Prince using his weapon, and once I couldn't do that in the 1st timeline, I'll do the impossible to kill that fucker if needed. And he will pay for having tortured me.

I still remember vividly the sensation of him taking my eyes out, the pain. How desperate and helpless I felt at the moment. Just remembering that makes my blood boil. It makes me want to tear him to pieces.

At first, I thought that my bloodlust was all caused by Dalilah, but now I don't think that's the case. Maybe at the beginning, it was, but now I'm starting to think that she woke a side that was deep asleep inside of me. A dangerous version of me that's almost psychotic. Because I can still feel this killing intent inside of me, burning me inside-out, especially now that I'm in front of my two rotten siblings and my mother.

Just looking at them, hurt me in a way that pisses me off. But also makes me angry and that anger awakes the scary side of me. I can't help but let my imagination run wild about the many ways in which I could kill them and make them feel the pain they caused me ten times worst.

Dalilah indeed broke me in an unrepairable way. Even now that I'm free from her strings, I can't ever go back to being my old, innocent and kind self. She changed me by shattering me to pieces, both psychologically and speaking. The pain she caused is imprinted in my soul and can not be forgotten.

Every time I look in the mirror, I'll see the reflex of the murderer I became. I'll see the blood of the people whose life I took away, on my hands. Valerian's and dad's blood. How can I ever forgive myself for doing such a thing?

I simply can't!

It's funny to realize that now, but in the end, she won. I came back to life, but she still fucking won. It can't be helped.

Her goal was to break me in a way that I would never be able to recover. She wanted to traumatize me for all eternity, and she was able to accomplish exactly that! The Dalilah in front of me may have had this same goal and horrible intentions towards me, but she didn't manipulate me yet, nor did she get me killed and saw her dreams coming true.

And I won't let her feel the delight of watching me be tortured and beheaded again. Not even over my grave that's going to happen. I'll bring Dalilah and all of my enemies down even if I have to go down with them.

I can't say for sure if my sanity is intact or not, although I believe it isn't. Which would be very understandable, in all honesty. But it makes it dangerous for the people around me and to myself because if I were to lose my cool, I don't know what I am capable of doing. Especially now that she got me used to killing everybody who got in our way.

If I say that I am not afraid of myself, I would be lying, because I fucking am! But more than anything, I am afraid of seeing everything going according to my twin's plans.

There's more to this than just getting my revenge, there's a lot on the line. My principles, my sanity, the person I was, the person I became, all the people I killed back there, and that I am going to save now… it's everything on the line. I'll have to deal with all of this and the biggest danger is the fact that it won't be just me for myself.

That means I'll end up having a lot of weaknesses that will act as the target of my enemies. Valerian is the biggest one in their spotlight. I'll have to protect him more than anything else because he is still the most precious person to me. I don't care about hurting myself in this life, especially because I deserve it after what I did, but I can't die so soon.

I promised the being who saved me that I would make it different and that I wouldn't let those mistakes happen ever again. I'm a person who doesn't break my word after I give it to someone, so I can't let my savior down. Neither can I do that to myself and to every life I ended.

Furthermore, I can't let more innocents be caught in the fire of my fight with them. But I'm not stupid enough to think that I would be able to save everyone, though I must try to save most of them. Moreover, Valerian will always be my priority, and I'll do anything not to let him die again. Even if I have to commit more sins to protect him, it will all be worth it.

And that said, I would kill anyone to be sure that my younger brother will stay safe and alive in the end.

"…right, Tasha?" Getting out of my own thoughts zone, I focused back on my family and let my gaze meet my father's golden eyes that mirrored my own.

"Sorry, dad. I was lost in my thoughts. Could you repeat what you'd said, please?" He agreed while smiling.

"I was talking to your siblings about the Annual Knighthood Oath that will happen this weekend. And I was telling them to choose wisely who they want to make an oath to them because you've already chosen yours!" Oh, I've forgotten about this event.

True, I did choose who I want as my personal Knight. And I think everybody knows who is it. Asher Kingston, my disciple-brother, who's more like an older brother to me than Octavian will ever be! The only available Knight I would trust with my life.

…And who I also ended up killing in my first life.

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