Title Was Too Long To Fit

I insist on me locking my door properly. After all, I am no fool.

I trust even my drunk self to properly lock a fucking door. In a previous life, I had a traumatic experience.

Never ever will I commit the same mistake again.

The tragic events happened during one of my days off. I came home from work and got busy with a hobby of mine. At the time I just picked up writing and for once had a chapter written in advance.

I happily went to sleep knowing that I wouldn't have to set an alarm to wake up early the next morning.

But I forgot to lock my door. From this single tiny mistake stemmed what should definitely be called a tragedy.

They entered my sacred sanctuary. Defiling it with their greedy hands.

Laughing as they ransacked it. Running all over the place as if they owned it.

Eating my food and making a mess out of everything.

As I laid in my bed my first thought upon awakening was …FUCK!

I realized the grave mistake I committed. For me not locking my door brought an incredible evil in.

Gone was my peaceful mental state. Gone was my well-earned sleeping time.

It was time for me to man up and face this terrible enemy.

To drive it away to the best of my capabilities.

My last thought before facing the imminent battle was: God I hate kids.

So yeah, that was my tragic backstory of the day I missed some sleep and had to clean my whole apartment after the neighborhood kids raided my place.

All because I forgot to lock the door.

Never again!

And now this lady here is telling me I forgot?! How about you shut the fuck up!

I usually wouldn't bother with small customer service mistakes, but attempted murder is a bit too much for me.

Like I'm sure everyone would find it irksome a bit even if their name isn't Karen (not related to any real person).

Don't tell me not getting killed in your sleep is too much to ask here? Good thing I'm wise and prioritized my passive defense ability.

Otherwise, I'd be dead right now. Possibly a vengeful ghost too.

She gets annoyed at me for complaining but like … I'm the one that almost died!

She goes to get the manager; eh I mean the inn owner.

Hopefully, the conversation will go better this time.

"Hey there. I'll ask you to leave. You can't blame my establishment just because you forgot to lock your own door."

Are you fucking kidding me?!

[I. Did. Not. Forget!]

"You were drunk, of course you think you didn't. But you sure did. Now get out. Otherwise, I'll have to ask some of the patrons here to kick you out. This is a mercenary hangout, not someplace anyone can simply spew bullshit and have their ways."

I stand corrected. Not only is that bitch dumb but so is her superior.

Yep, I know what title to use to describe today's events.

The lion, the witch, and the audacity of both of these motherfucking bitches!

Should I fight these guys right about now?

My chances are probably bad. There is no disaster zone nearby. My specialty recently has been to kill with a borrowed knife. Actually, kill with a borrowed giant monster.

Guess I'll have to suck it up for now. But mark my words I will have my revenge someday!

I manage to find my guides. They have already eaten breakfast and have been ready to leave for a while already.

Usually now would be a good time for an introduction. But they don't seem to care. Neither do I to be honest. Good thing because I'm pretty bad at remembering names.

Remember Zero's mom? Well, I'm pretty sure I heard her name mentioned in a conversation at some point …. but …. yeah forgot.

Then again at the time, I had more serious concerns. Like not letting the fruit of my efforts be reduced to charcoal.

I burn the face of the sneering owner in my memory as we exit the place.

The weather is sunny again. Good time for gaming kek.

The leader starts a conversation with me as we depart.

"We'll move in formation. You stay in the middle. We'll try our best to protect you. That is assuming you didn't hide any information from us about a potential enemy."

[That's totally a flag you know? Can you stop saying that stuff about me having enemies? I feel like some are gonna appear from nowhere!]

"I'm just saying. In any case how well can you handle yourself in a fight? Don't lie it's important."

[If there are rank 4s I'm screwed. I can fight rank 3 monsters easily. Not sure about humans.]

"Hum rank 3 beasts? These are usually stronger than their humanoid counterpart. People that strong don't usually request our services. After all, we are mostly rank 2s in our party. I am the only rank 3. If anything my specialty is support too"

[Support? What's that?!]

"A kind of magic that mostly offers assistance rather than direct fighting prowess."

[Can't you just boost yourself directly to fight? How would that matter?]

"Haha, of course 😉. But some people out there feel like support mages are worth less than their usual counterpart for they lack destructiveness."

[Please. Still, that's impressive! So you are a mage?!]

"Haha, I just know some basic weapon coating magic. It will boost one's attack power slightly but nothing too significant."

[Wow, still amazing! I wish I could learn magic. Sadly I don't have the required affinity. Well, I'll find a way at some point. I just have other stuff to work on before.]

"I like your drive haha. Most people would have completely given up already. If I can ask why hire mercenaries in the first place?"

[I'm bad with directions. Actually, I could probably figure it out, but I would have to study about it and I'd rather just let someone familiar with the area guide me.]

"I see."

We keep walking and walking some more. Mostly in silence. Sometimes my party members talk about some local landscapes or towns. Other times some softly hum war songs.

I'll have to learn some at some point. It seems Hella cool. At some point, the leader comes near again.

"I'm surprised you are still alive to be honest. I heard your conversation this morning. So you got robbed. Usually, this kind of event turns into a murder case quickly."

[Oh. They tried. They just didn't manage to break my defense haha.]

"Oh? What about your wolf by the way? Are we not bringing it with us? Because we've been walking for a few hours already."

WAIT WHAT?!

I look all around. Wolfie is nowhere to be seen.

OMFG Wolfie is so smart usually too!?

Where did she go?!

[Fuck we gotta go back!]

"….."

And thus I receive strange looks from everyone as we backtrack.

****

We reach the Inn. Or where it was located anyway. It is now gone.

All of it burned to the ground. I've never seen karma act so quickly before. But all that doesn't matter.

Where is Wolfie?!

I come closer and asks the bystanders. There are always bystanders where a fire happens.

It is human nature after all.

None of these have seen any wolf.

I'm about to seriously freak out when I notice a tiny white blur.

[WOLLFIIIIIEEEEEE!]

* DASH AND HUG! *

Fur intact that smells a bit of smoke but no damage whatsoever.

Nice! We got lucky on that one.

Fuck that Inn owner too! Not only is there bad security here but also fire hazards.

How careless can one get?!

That's when I hear someone start screaming!

"YOU! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! THAT DAMN WOLF OF YOURS BURNED EVERYTHING! PAY UP MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED AND…!"

OMG. That fucking asshole. Blaming me for not locking my door? Fine. Not giving a shit about my complaints? Fine. Trying to frame Wolfie? Fuck that guy.

[Are you telling me a wolf did that kind of damage?! Own the fuck up for your own mistakes!]

I approach him…

"YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL YOU CRAZY PERSON! EVERYONE, HE'S THE CULPRIT FOR ALL THIS DESTRUCTION! QUICK APPREHEND HIM!"

And I slap.

* SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP*

Want to act like a bitch? Get fucking bitch-slapped!

"QUICK SOO-OUCH – STOP-OUCH-IT HURTS- THIS -OUCH-MADMAN!"

A mercenary angrily heads my way. Oh no, you don't!

Full power divine enhancement.

And I bitch-slap.

The newcomer falls to the ground.

The mercenaries swarm me. I deal with them one bitch-slap at a time.

* SLAP THUD SLAP THUD SLAP THUD …. etc. *

I look at the scene around me. Bunch of unconscious mercenaries.

An Inn owner that is barely recognizable. His face is so swollen it's questionable if he is human.

Yep. Guess I was overthinking this.

I should have done this from the start.

Oh well, that's what they get for acting mighty.

Bunch of fucking paper tigers. For real.

These guys are even weaker than the rank 2 fox.

Like c'mon.

[Alright. Let's head out. Should I finish this asshole before we go? He might act up later on…]

"NO PWEASE I'M SOWWWY YOU WEONT EVER SWEE ME AGAIN I SWEEEAR!"

[Ah…fine. Let's get the fuck out of here.]

Oh yeah. If anyone asks today's event shall have a very specific title in the ballads dedicated to me.

The lion, the witch, and the audacity of all these bitches. So anyway, I started bitch-slapping.

Ah…. now would be the perfect time for gaming I tell you.