Chapter 12: Facing forward II

As Leonard was not getting any answer from Emily, he turned to face Serena. In truth, sometimes, he finds it difficult to look Serena in the eyes. For no matter how he tries, a part of him blames her for what happened to himself, to her, to everyone.

From the beginning, he already told her not to do what she did. From having an affair with Charlton when they were students, to the time she was obviously wanting to when she was married to Geoffrey. Yet, she never listened. And him… instead of stopping her or doing something more because he can do more… he became her accomplice.

At the same time, he also felt guilty towards Serena. For even before she married Geoffrey, he already found something strange. Yet, he ignored it because he thought that it was easier and better that she married the crown prince. It was only much later that he found out what Geoffrey did to her and as much rage he felt, Geoffrey was already dead. 

He loves Serena as his sister. Though they were not blood siblings, he has always treated the family who adopted him as his own. However, even though he loves her, there's still the feelings of blame, guilt, and pity which he sometimes finds difficult to hide. 

Still, at the end of the day, Serena was the only family he has left. That aside, he could feel that she's feeling guilty towards him too.

There were days she would ask his help in writing the notes of some music she came up with, most days, she would try to avoid him even though how futile it was since they're living in the same house. Not that he doesn't notice because he's doing the same.

In any case, he could see how much she's trying. She even launders his clothes and cleans his room. So he should do better too.

Going back to the present, seeing his sister's face who seemed to be determined about something, Leonard could only sigh. What troublesome idea could she have this time? "What's this all about Serena?" he asked.

Serena licked her lips first. Well, no turning back. "I asked Emily to help me prepare for this Season. I would like to attend." She finally uttered.

Did he hear that correctly? "Excuse me, what?"

Emily winced already anticipating how the conversation would go. But she must give it to Serena. Serena owned up to everything which was, well, good for herself. She can't imagine what Leonard's reaction would be if he knew that it's not his sister, but her who was the instigator.

"Brother, you know that the Season started a few weeks back and it's not yet too late for me to join." Serena emphasized this time.

Leonard wanted to stay calm. There's no reason to overreact. He must talk some sense to her first. Breathe in, breathe out. However, no matter how he tried to calm himself, something ticked, and all his blood went to his head.

He grinded his teeth, trying to keep his voice low which was boiling with rage. "Do you even know what you're talking about? What you're asking for?"

Serena swallowed. She has never seen Leonard as angry at her before. Still, she must stand her ground. "Yes. Brother, I don't want to live my life this way much longer."

Leonard scoffed. "Then how do you want to live it then? I don't want to say this but what? Do you want to be some mistress? Marry yourself to some old, perverted man who would take you? Or maybe you want to be a plaything like the whores lining up the streets? For shame Serena. If you don't feel any for yourself anymore, then at least to our parents who birthed you!"

Serena did not want to cry, but it was the first time Leonard said those kinds of unfiltered words towards her. Tears fell but she also won't back down.

"Then how do you expect me to live? Stay here hiding for the rest of my life? Doing house chores, waiting for charity from Emily, or selling songs while in a guise? Maybe I can still live that way for another year or two. But I can't keep living like this forever.

Time is passing and I am not going to get any younger. If I don't do this now, will anyone even accept me when I've turned old and gray? You can say I would have let our parents down, but they are not here anymore. Yes, you can say I have no more shame, but what choice do I have but to be shameless?"

Leonard could feel every fiber of his being tremble. If he were any other person, he would think that there was some truth and sense in Serena's words, but he was going through the very the same situation.

"Do you think that it's only you? Do you think that I also like living this way? Serena, you always have a choice. We all do. Is going back to that life more important to you?"

Serena understood what Leonard was trying to say. The future is limitless. They might be suffering now, but it's not the end. She can still have a happy and fulfilling life in the future without the need to integrate herself back to the ton. However, what does Leonard know? Even before that becomes a possibility, if she doesn't take action now, he would be dead.

She doesn't want to hurt Leonard more, but it's better for him to misunderstand and think her too shallow than the alternative.

"Brother, that's all I've ever known. How we live now… this… I also tried. You know I have tried. But this is not the life I want. I can't… so please, won't you just…"

Leonard closed his eyes. He could not accept what Serena was saying, but what can he do about it?

He opened his eyes to look at Serena again. Her eyes were red with tears and a part of him felt guilty. Though he's angry, he could not help but think that he should have also protected her better.

Anger, despair, helplessness. But again, what can he do?

Leonard clenched his jaw. Looking Serena in the eyes, he could only say, "Then suit yourself." Before using his hands to manually turn the wheels of his wheelchair to leave the table.

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TBC