Chapter 19 - Discussing What Is ‘Real’

Full of a certain kind of 'vitality' that can only be gained through engaging with one's *hobby*, a wavy haired brunette sat happily on the lap of her re-clothed fiance. Elua continued to hum a happy song and giggle at random moments. This was because she kept peeking in at random moments of the recorded illusion within the spirit fragment she stored away 'in her heart' for such things.

The only slight shame, to her, was that she adhered to her own rule about not getting… 'touchy'.

'That might have led to so many better illusive memories - but probably 'worsen' things for us. My request was only okay because my 'fortress' seems to know no *humiliation* in front of me about her form…'

While she was right that Qatrand hadn't felt that much one way or the other at being ogled from different angles for ten minutes, the girl was also rather pleased about the little event - for two reasons. The sword felt nearly 'perfect' for her at this point in her strength, with her style of fighting, and would not take very long to grow accustomed to at all.

Also, the mint eyes that had been 'locked' on different parts of her body as she first stretched and then performed practice swings and stances 'as requested' kept glimmering with something like *admiration*.

'It's… nice, to have someone looking at my efforts in that way.'

El had also made a few *very* accurate comments about what kinds of maneuvers the swordswoman excelled at purely in relation to how developed different parts of her upper back were. That part… had both impressed and slightly unnerved the swordswoman - as it felt like her full range of technical ability had just been studied by being watched for such a little while.

They had played a few 'games' as training together, but they'd never 'fought' and neither even considered that they ever would. However, it was the very idea that it was *possible* to judge almost exactly how an opponent would fight only by studying their body for a bit - and knowing their weapon of choice - that perturbed the Yecine. It seemed like a 'skill' that either took a hard worker spending many intense decades refining it… or a true martial genius.

Knowing that her fiance was herself 'averse to fighting' and was 'only so old', the tall teenager was sure it was still the latter. Especially since her father was renowned for his strength and her mother was known for her skill. One wouldn't expect the combination to have bore fruit from the 'bubbly and cute little girl', but that was for people that weren't paying as much attention as Qatrand.

Besides, she understood well that 'not liking' something did not mean one was 'incapable' of doing it.

"Thank you, again. The sword is appreciated."

"Oh, enough of that~ what respectable, elegant young wife of affluent means would not make sure their adventurous and attractive husband-wife had a nearly perfect companion weapon for their livelihood?"

The Yecine blinked in shock at the flagrant use of so many superlatives in the leading question. She even laughed a small, barely noticed amount.

"You make it sound like all of them would. That logic means my fiance is nothing special."

'Hnng! That… that is almost flirting, right!? At least it's clearly 'teasing'…'

"W-well when you put it that way, maybe I just went a touch beyond the average for our situation?"

"You sound unsure."

The Goltbred nodded, very 'severely'.

"That I am. After all, I can't even picture anyone else in our situation."

The brunette collapsed back onto the other girl's front bonelessly while looking upward until their gazes met.

"By that I don't mean two women, or the marriage first based on a lie, or how young we are. Those things might be less common but I can picture them happening elsewhere in the world. Possibly even all at once. However, looking at one ingredient in this ruins the comparison I could ever make to other people."

The young girl spoke in a serious tone without much of a smile. It wouldn't be the first or last time she decided to speak a little cryptically, or change her tone between topics, so the swordswoman didn't think much of the disparate emotional personalities she could exhibit and instead focused on deciding on a response. It didn't seem like staring into each other's eyes was going to allow the topic to finish out!

She was right. Elua craved 'interaction'. To be asked so she could show-

"What ingredient would you be referring to?"

The older girl watched as the mint eyes seemed to grow more lifeless as each heartbeat thudded away the seconds. If it wasn't for the small hand reaching up to caress her cheek, the Yecine might have frowned in more concern. Elua had been thinking all year that it would be better to 'introduce herself' slowly. It was what seemed best after how it went with Yatrel.

When a 'good moment' like now came, she shoved aside that 'cowardly' self. Too much of her *needed* to know if she could be 'accepted'.

"My unsettlingly boundless love for the individual I'm looking at."

The same dull tone she spoke out with just earlier returned from before her 'muscle voyeur' time was granted… as did the feeling of a prowling predator. The cause of this was because Elua 'tried very hard' not to say or do anything unnecessary - and just waited without blinking for her Qat to *react* in some way. Incidentally the same as a stalking beast.

The swordswoman could only wait 'defensively' for so long.

"Well… y-you sound entirely sure about that."

It was the best she could come up with! She was a lot better at talking with people now than she used to be, but El still could throw conversational and emotional *curves* at her - almost like when they were training with the sacs at the Youth Guild.

"I am. I have been for five years. I will be for countless more."

After another round of quiet waiting, the reborn cultivator finally blinked once before breathing out a soft sigh. Cautiously, she removed the hand from the teenager's tense face.

'Continuing to be the cautious coward might have been…'

"I know I'm scaring you, so-"

"No, that's not…"

The small retreating hand was gripped in a larger calloused one and tugged back to where it had been… only now it was *pressed* there by the one she thought 'frightened'. A flash of glimmering emotion quickly shone across the pair of mint irises, but they returned to their muted vitality soon after.

"I am more confused than scared. But I guess there was something… earlier when you sounded like this… for a moment, just a small moment… you reminded me of that wolf I wrote to you about. I was still thinking it felt like that."

If the young bodied girl was using the reactions of her 'facade', she would probably be bulging her cheeks out and looking anywhere but at the person who said that. Her real self couldn't actually deny that she ran some quick 'evil thoughts' through her skull after locking the door. Those could easily have accounted for that feeling!

She just didn't think she had *projected* them at all… and she still wasn't sure she did!

"It's similar now but… different. If I had to try and make sense of it I would say that instead of circling and watching me as prey, the 'wolf' I feel is still circling around but… but growling at anything that tries to close in on me."

Qatrand's head honestly hurt quite a bit from trying to make anything of the noise of spiritual pressure with her level of skill, so she winced. Seeing that led the one in her lap to willfully nullify anything that might be *subconsciously* emanating from her 'true' self.

The descriptions of what it felt like to be around her in an 'open' state were a little amusing to the reborn cultivator - and clearly biased due to the limit of experiences that could be drawn on.

"I suppose none of that was entirely wrong, Qat. I'm going to go back to how I 'should' be behaving now."

The hand over hers pressed a little tighter as Elua closed her eyes. It wasn't necessary to focus, but she had been told once that watching them lose or gain light was 'creepier' than them just being suddenly different. The confusion and worry in the spirit of her 'fortress' was only mounting the longer they stayed shut.

It was exactly because the worry seemed for the smaller girl's sake that a choked question was asked in the silence.

"Does… are you… fine?"

"Believe it or not, I am."

Like when talking to her mother in the carriage, it would take a bit for the emotion to completely return to her voice. But that was okay, because one of the pair of girls was being more intensely emotional than the other had expected. Elua felt it was enough to cover for the both of them for a few more moments!

"I've never told you - and you were always too courteous to ask - what my Astralism might be."

A pair of mint orbs that were at least halfway back to 'normal' shifted along with the small girl that was trying to change her seating position; all without pulling away the hand still nervously held so tight. If she didn't know any better, the Goltbred would have thought she herself was deathly ill - or about to suddenly break the relationship off.

Either way, how much her fiance was caring was *great*. 

"Would you like to know? With learning it and some other details… some that I'll keep to myself still for now… you might understand what you just experienced a little better."

The 'older' girl nodded without too much pause and the 'younger' forced an early smile that was a bit awkward. She had let herself 'fall' to nearly eighty percent 'real' today, not wanting to be satisfied with less or even near the same that she dared showing to her *mere* mother in this life. The husband-wife clearly needed to see an 'extra' amount!

"Illusion, Qat. In simple terms, I can manipulate the senses of others… to certain extents."

A few floating objects 'appeared' out of nowhere and even ghostly apparitions of a few people flit nearby before the room emptied out almost as quickly as it began. None of it was ever really there, but the swordswoman could swear that she'd never be able to confidently say otherwise. The blue sphere had smelled like steak!

"A downside to being able to do that to weaker spirited people around you is simply… that I eventually lost the vital animating elements of my personality. That might not be the best way to put it. Hmm."

Elua tapped her lip with her free hand's index. Since she was re-engaging the 'facade', her 'actions' were starting to become 'cute' again. 

"When there's no need to even show them to anyone because you can make people see what you want… ah, nevermind that's really a longer story that is probably only going to confuse the matter, so just don't cling to any questions there right now. Sorry."

She shook her head. It wasn't that she was *against* informing the young woman that she was a reincarnated person that maintained her vast memories, but there was no way 'adding it' to what she was saying now was the *fast* way to ease all this concern for her wellbeing.

It was clear the words she already used weren't doing a good job either! She pointed at herself before Qatrand er Yecine's *watery* pigeon blue irises. It wasn't crying, yet, but it was closer than any wife wanted to see. She was starting to 'feel bad' for 'faking' them in the past.

Just a little bit. At least when it came to her.

"You're probably wondering now if *this* is fake. An illusion. It is. And it isn't. It's not the *truest* me, the bland and intense female that confessed her love minutes ago. Yet it *is* who I want to act like."

The girl really thought so. A persona built and modified over nearly eleven years from watching, interacting, and modifying her behavior until it all was almost second nature. Until it was all 'hers'. 

"This personality is who I constantly mobilize my spirit to convince my body to be. I can somewhat proudly claim that I have spent an immense amount more time with my Astralism targeting *myself* rather than any other person. Which is a real feat, let me tell you~"

Elua had finally reached the point where she could 'giggle'… without sounding like a shard of glass was being pulled along a piece of slate. So she did!

"It may sound a little weird, but I don't think it's ultimately that different from other people. At least I'm never… well, *rarely* doing anything 'against' what my 'true self' is willing to do. I'm not going to explain yet why those exceptions might… be 'better'. So to sum that up, both are forms of me. Both have liked you since we first met. Both are more and more sure of that every time we meet with you."

The girl chuckled 'sadly' and looked away from the one listening so intently.

"And both are really, very scared that you haven't said anything and just let me talk all this time. Why does everyone do that?"