Just a dream

"You need to get your nails done? Really? It's a photoshoot not a hand model gig." He joked as he took some cash from his pocket and handed it to me. Delvin was being sly and I knew it. He was not the type to pay for nails since he thought I had very beautiful nails that did not need to be added to. There was no disputing that since I was also very proud of my nails. Personally I felt like they were my trademark but I didn't want to use that as a yardstick hence I did not brag about it. The fact that he paid for my nails spoke volumes. He was going to do it and I knew that. I kept insisting that he needed to do it and I knew he was going to do it especially during that photoshoot. He got me the white dress he had insisted on and I knew that my suspicions were as good as true. I went home that Saturday pondering over everything and all the outcomes that I suspected would happen.

The specific day of august started just like any other normal Sunday morning. The rush to get things done on time was still there but underneath it was just some happy soul. I heard my mother knock on my door and push it open while I was still asleep. She called my name twice before she hugged me and kissed my cheek causing me to giggle a little bit. It was way out of norm because normally I would just hear her banging on the door so loud and calling our names with a voice screeching like a broken record. Not this time though. She was just gentle and caring and I woke up with a smile after she had left, that is, after going back to sleep for a few more minutes.

As I donned my white dress and immediately felt self-conscious as my FUPA peeped, clearly announcing its presence. I quickly grabbed a thing black belt hoping it would serve to reduce the appearance. I always wanted to look nice and especially that day because I had been promised a photo shoot by my fiancé. A loud self-proclaiming tummy was not something anyone wanted in a photoshoot. I picked up my royal blue blazer and ironed it making sure there was not even one crease visible and put it on. Satisfied that it was serving its purpose I felt fulfilled. I put on my silver earrings that I had bought the previous day, anxious to show my fiancé how much effort I had put into looking nice for him.

For the first time in history my family had made good time and were well on our way at around eight in the morning. We had gotten a few kilometers away from home when we had a flat tire. I sat in the car waiting for them to change the tire and slowly by slowly impatience crept in. I decided to work on the one thing I was feeling self-conscious without. I took out the few make up products I had and decided to at least try and look presentable. It was the only thing I could do while in a car. I took time trying to create the perfect arch of my eyebrows and blend the perfect colors for my lips and while they were putting away all the paraphernalia I finished up.

Service was normal. God spoke greatly but little did I know the little surprise that awaited me. I remember in the morning I almost went nuts looking for him since he was not picking up his phone. It was scary even though I knew I was meant to trust him. But how could I trust him when he had left several messages for me telling me that he was somewhere out, he had not found a hotel room to spend the night? Second service began and he walked into the auditorium. I had never been happier about see him and angry at the same time.

Towards the end of service, the associate pastor called me. I remember I was outside since my tummy was being a little fuzzy. I made my way into the chapel looking around for any clues as to why my name had been called. I had so many questions in my head all directing towards one main point. Why the hell would the associate pastor call me to the front of the chapel? Was he going to announce some of the things I had told him in private and requested him never to tell anyone? I felt a nervous bubble form in my stomach and for a moment I thought I would fart as I walked forward towards him. He held my hand and requested everyone to close their eyes to pray for me. I wished I knew why.

He finished his prayer and told me congratulations before requesting me to wave at the church. I was still in the dark and turned around slowly and waved. I did not see him at first but when I did the thing I saw first was the small open box he was holding in one hand, looking at me expectantly. Then it hit me and I went into shock. I stealthily turned around and looked at my father, the bishop sitting on his seat with a finger across his lips and curious eyes. I turned back and I saw him. His red eyes told me he had taken at least a glass of wine for liquid courage before coming to do this. I could hear people celebrating but somehow my knees felt weak and my words failed me. I could not believe it. I had read of various reactions towards a proposal and I had viewed many videos but none could explain what I was feeling in the moment.

Somehow he had managed to tick all the boxes for my perfect proposal. My parents were there, there were witnesses and I was dressed decently. To top it off I had done my nails. They looked amazing but all that did not matter in that moment. All that mattered was him and the courage it had taken him to do what he was doing. I could see his lips move but I couldn't hear a thing. The ringing in my ear was so loud I thought my eardrums would burst or I would faint but that didn't happen. I thought I would shed tears but somehow even those were lost on me. All I was feeling was disbelieve, like it was a dream and somehow I would wake up and it will all disappear. I nodded yes and whispered it into the microphone being held to my face even though I had no idea what he was saying. I was still frozen when he put the ring on my finger together with the other two rings that he had given before to mark our milestones as well as the previous private proposal. I did not hug him. I did not kiss him. I just stood there trying to get back into reality.

That night I sent a video of the proposal to him. Ethan had to know what had gone down. He was my lover, and that to me meant he had to know everything.

I'm happy for you. Congratulations baby girl.

Somehow that meant more to me than the whole proposal. The fact that he was genuine in his sentiment meant that this time I had a chance even if it was so small. It meant he now knew that I was committed and I was not going to spoil his whole marriage just out of sheer stupidity. I had a lot at stake now and that ought to count as something. Something about him just made me so desperate that I could just do anything to prove to him I couldn't compromise any of it. It felt like he was holding my whole world in his hands and he could do whatever he wished to with it. It was stupid and I knew it but I couldn't stop. He was like an addiction that I couldn't get rid of.

Thanks. Now we are both hitched.

He sent me a laughing emoticon followed by a thumbs up. So much for thinking that we could have a conversation. That almost dampened my mood but I was still floating around and it did not hurt me as much. I knew it was a matter of time before it actually hit me.

***

My head felt heavy as did my eyes but I still tried to get them open. It was a difficult task but I felt like if I failed to do it something would go terribly wrong. There was heat all around me and I needed to get rid of all the clothes I had on. I jolted awake as adrenaline ran through my system as I remembered what had happened a few moments before. I looked at the driver's side only to see Ethan unconscious with blood sipping out of his mouth. The car was growing increasingly hot and I knew I had to get us out of it otherwise we'd die in it. I quickly tried to get the door open but it was no use. I tried breaking the window with my elbow and after several failed attempts I was able to. I jumped out and as I was running around to the driver's side, a blast threw me off my ground causing me to land a few meters away.

Just like that, I watched everything go up in flames. Then it clicked, Ethan was still in that car. I got up and started running towards it not caring that the heat was too much. I needed him. He could not die on me, not this time. I couldn't lose him. I coughed and spattered as I choked on the smoke but I did not care about it much. If I was going to lose him then it was better if we died together rather than him leaving me just like Delvin. I tried reaching for the door handle to let him out but someone pulled me back. I fought so terribly but a little sting on my neck stopped all my attempts. Darkness engulfed me and comforted me warmly.

"She's yet to wake up. We found her at the scene unconscious." I could hear everything that was happening but my eyes were too heavy. Slowly as my senses came back to me I started feeling the presence of several people with me, yet my eyes still remained tightly shut. The voices were several trying to get through to me and I kept trying to respond to them but nothing of mine was working. I felt the fingers part my eye lids on my left eye and bright light shone through causing me to feel almost blind. I however couldn't even shut my eyes to stop it.

She's reactive, just needs time to pull out of whatever she was injected with." Another voice spoke as it sounded to walk further away. I heard shuffling and from the soft thud of the door I assumed everyone had filed out of the room. I hated this feeling of powerlessness but what options did I have? I lay there for what felt like forever. I did not know what to do with myself rather than trying to go through the events prior to this in my mind.

I still remembered the pleasure causing through my body like a jet of water being shot from a small gun. The anticipation he had created in me had me rearing and feeling angry all at once as he denied me the one thing I wanted. I still remember the feeling of being so cold. Oh so cold that I had no idea what had happened causing me to break the rules of our game and my eyes opening. I still remember the cuss falling off his lips before I noticed what had happened.

We had crashed and I had been unconscious when we hit the ground and so was he. He had been strapped in even as I escaped the car that was filling with smoke slowly. I tried, I tried my best but I couldn't explain what had happened because I was here and Ethan. Oh Ethan! Shit Ethan!

"ETHAN! I screamed out loud and sat up on the bed. This was unfamiliar space and the faces that were shuffling onto the room from outside were too unfamiliar. From the scent and the white coat, I could tell this was a hospital but I did not know where I was. I stared at my surrounding as they examined me my mind racing trying to piece together the information that I had in my mind in that moment yet nothing was making sense. I did not want to accept it.

I wanted so much to ask where he was but I did not want to since I did not want to face it. I was there when the car exploded. In fact it had thrown me a couple of meters away and judging from the pain in my back it was real not just a dream. This was not how it was meant to happen. There was no way it was going to happen this way. I was feeling fairly certain that this was a dream. I was just projecting my fear of loss onto Ethan since I lost Delvin. The moment I fully woke up and stopped dreaming about hospitals then we'd be okay. It was just a terrible dream nothing more. It was just a small slip up nothing more. We were going to make it back to our home town, he was going to drop me off at a hotel and head home. The moment he would kiss my forehead I would be fine.

"You killed him too. Does it make you happy?" She sounded angry. Kirsten had never been angry with me and so this was a new one. I looked up to see her standing at the door her face hardened and her eyes red with tears in them still. She looked terrible and somehow even without listening to her accusation I was already feeling guilty. Her presence here made it less and less of a dream. I held on to the little hope that still flickered that told me it was still a dream.

"Having an affair wasn't enough, you had to make sure we were both widowed didn't you?" The spite in her voice was so poisonous it made a shiver run through my body.

"Kirsten, I swear he is not dead. This is all in my dream I'll wake up and have him home with you in no time." I answered braving a smile. Just a dream. Just a terrible dream.