I Found a Knight and Shining Ar- wait a minute

The presence I'd sensed earlier! We all turned to see where that zinger had come from. A lone wandering mercenary materialized from among the trees, the rays of morning light reflecting off his drawn sword.

 Somebody cue the chorus of angels, would you?

 That man was an awe-inspiring vision of wondrous wonderfulness. He was tall, he was blond, and did I say tall already? His breastplate had been forged from the scales of a black iron serpent and judging by his sword, he made a decent living as an archetypical light fighter: fast and skilled. I told you he was tall, right? Did I mention he was a hottie?

 "Piece of advice, fellas: If you all take off at a dead sprint now, a few of you might actually make it back to the rock you've crawled from under before I catch up and exterminate you like the vermin you are. One or two of you might even escape with your lives. That is, if you start right now"

 Not a bad threat, I thought.

 The chatty bald beast sputtered and spewed and spat and at last shouted back, "Just who the hell are ya to be creeping out from the woods and interrupting our delicate negotiations with yer ugly threats and insults, huh?"

 "I don't care to sully my name by giving it to you," the blond replied.

 Ouch. Okay, well, that was a little embarrassing. Frankly, the whole thing just got more clichéd and harder to stomach from there. Not that I had any choice, I mean, where was I going to go? I just stood there, probably looking like I'd swallowed a bug, which is pretty much how I felt.

 I shouldn't have complained, right? I mean, doesn't every girl want a handsome rescuer to sweep in when she's in a pinch? So what if she could've handled the whole thing on her own and the handsome rescuer in question didn't have the verbal acuity she was hoping for? A gal can't afford to be too picky these days, can she? I know, I know, but play along, will ya?

 "Ya little… !"

 Oh no. You think he'll do any better this time?

 "Ya impertinent cad!"

 Guess not.

 "We're gonna feed ya both yer livers now! Have at 'em, boys!"

 At last, the sword fight began.

 I considered helping the guy out, but I didn't want to embarrass him. Besides, the proper role of a heroine is to run around shrieking in an excruciatingly high-pitched voice, isn't it? I mean, otherwise what's the point?

 I'd never done the running-around-and-shrieking thing before, and I gotta say, should you get the opportunity, I highly recommend it. It's a lot more fun than you'd expect.

 Anyway, there I was, shrieking like my life depended on it and pretending I had no idea what was going on around me. Sadly, the whole thing wrapped up quickly. The blond prevailed, of course.

 Breathless and glowing with victory, he made his way over a minefield of bandit bodies and swept up to me. "Are you all right, milady?" he asked, his eyes seeking out my own. He took his first good long look at me, drinking in my loveliness, and… he was speechless.

 Now, I don't want to brag, but I am not exactly lacking in the looks department. Big, round eyes, a peaches-and-cream complexion; all perched atop a tight little body in petite proportions. Poor thing, he didn't stand a chance.

 He sighed—with admiration and longing, I was sure. When at last able to speak, he did so quietly, as though mumbling a prayer. It was barely as audible as a whisper, and had I not been a gifted sorceress with the enhanced hearing that accompanies that role, I probably wouldn't have heard him at all. O lucky me!

 "Great. She's just a kid."

Just a kid? Okay. That stung a little.

Oh, but wait—there's more!

"This is what I get for not looking more carefully before I get into these things. I mean, I like kids. I want to be a standup guy, but c'mon! Ten guys, I fought! Ten guys! Is it so much to ask that one of these days there's a babe waiting for me at the other end? Somebody hot, you know? All breathless and grateful… is that too much to hope for? Apparently so. And now I'm stuck looking after Little Miss No-Boobs."

Gah!

Okay, I suppose I am a little underdeveloped for a girl my age. And I'm… I'm not very tall. All right, I'm short. Is that what you want me to say? I'm short and I'm flat-chested. What's the big deal, huh? At least I can run fast and my clothes hang right. Boobs are overrated, if you ask me.

Shit! Why do they always get you where you're sensitive?

I'm sure he didn't think I could hear his mumbling. A normal person couldn't have, but for better or worse, my ears are as sensitive as an elf's. For worse this time, I'd say. Ouch.

Regardless, he had helped me out of a bit of a pinch, so I had an obligation to thank him.

"Th-thank you very much," I stuttered, and I smiled as broadly as I could.

"No need to thank me at all." He managed something of a smile in return. 'Are you hurt, little miss?"

Little miss?! God, help me…

"You know, it's not safe for a little girl to be wandering around in an area like this on her own. Were you traveling with your father or someone? Are you separated? Lost?"

Grr… "No, no… I'm—uh—by myself…"

I guessed maybe all that blond hair was making it hard for him to see. I mean, if it had been me, I'd like to think I'd have figured out pretty quickly that the lovely creature before me was no helpless little kid.

"Well, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you. How about if I escort you home, sweetie?"

Oh, now… wait just a damn minute—!

"Where do your mommy and daddy live?"

Grrrrrr! "Uh, I'm by myself. I don't live anywhere, exactly… I was just heading to Atlas City—"

"I see, well, there's no need for you to explain. I understand completely. You're in a pretty rough spot, aren't you?"

"Huh?"

"I completely understand. We all have our circumstances," he said in a maddeningly condescending tone.

"No, um, I don't think you do understand."

"Oh, I understand more than you think I understand."

What?! I don't even think I understand what it is you think that I think that you don't understand!

In retrospect, I think he thought he'd rescued a helpless little girl who'd been forced to live on her own as a result of some sort of tragedy At the time, I suspected he was going to keep spewing the same reassurances until he died of suffocation or I died of embarrassment. One of us had to put an end to it.

 "No, really. I'm fine. I appreciate your kindness, but I'm not a victim. I'm an adventuress, off to see the world." I was telling him the truth—which, incidentally, was no small feat for me!

 "Really, I don't mean to pry, miss. You don't have to make any excuses for my benefit."

 Okay, now, this just sucks. For once in my life, I'm not making excuses!

 I didn't know what else to say.

 'All right then, miss. How about if I stick with you and see that you reach Atlas City safely?"

 Bad ideal Bad ideal Bad—idea!

 "Oh mister, n-no… no—no need for you to go so far out of your way! I-I couldn't."

 I wasn't kidding, either. Atlas City was TEN DAYS AWAY I couldn't imagine spending twenty-four hours a day side by side with Mr. Perceptiveness for TEN DAYS without succumbing to the temptation to commit the premeditated murder of a blond.

 "It's all right," he said. "I think you need a friend."

 He was obviously committed to the idea.

"But… I…"

 The conversation went on like that for a while. I objected. He objected to my objection. I understood where he was coming from, but I thought he misunderstood. He appreciated my understanding, but he thought I misunderstood his understanding. And so on until, between understanding, misunderstanding, thinking and objecting, my head was throbbing, and I no longer cared who went with me, so long as we got moving.

We hadn't been on the road twenty minutes before he felt the need to speak again. "I don't believe we've introduced ourselves yet. I'm Gourry. As you've likely deduced, I'm a traveling swordsman. And you?"

 I considered giving him a fake name, but honestly, I was too tired to see the point.

 "I'm Lina. I'm a… traveler."

There. I gave him my real name. And I am a traveler. So maybe I left out a few important details. So what? Gourry had already proven he wasn't the type to ask penetrating questions. I figured that he'd buy pretty much anything I wanted to sell him about my circumstances, which, as far as I was concerned, was a point in his favor.