- Values

*Adrena's point of view*

A memoir, by Adrena Calero

''How much is a life worth?

If you think about it, like, if you really think about it deep from inside your core, could you answer that question? I've been almost obsessed with the thought of value. The value of flowers, the value of love and the value of what a life contains.

I wouldn't consider myself being abandoned, but I was never chosen either. I grew up in New Jersey, with my mom and dad.

When I was six, my dad decided to move to Chicago, so from the age of six till twelve, me and my mom lived in a small apartment in the sketchy area of New Jersey.

But something changed. Something changed my mom.

She was a drug addict same as my dad, but at least my dad had the nerve to move me from the situation. Or in other words, move himself from me.

But my mom, who couldn't even pay her rent, decided when I was twelve, that she would rather become homeless so she could get her fix. And she dragged me with her.

So I lived in home shelters and on the streets with my mom until I was fourteen. My best friend Naomi and her dad offered me to move in with them. I suddenly had a choice. I could either stay with my mom and choose the life of zeros and what I would consider no value, or I could try and start over and find my own value in life.

I stayed with Naomi and her dad on the other side of New Jersey until I turned seventeen, where I got a small apartment. The apartment wasn't much, but it contained all the necessities.

I'm 18 now, and I'm considered an adult, but I've never felt more like a child trapped on a playground with a slide that just keeps on going. Somehow it feels like it's always going downhill.

I've managed ok, I guess. I've gotten a job waiting tables, in the same restaurant as Naomi. If you want value or something valuable in your life, you need to earn it.

And today was not much different from any other Friday night. Me and Naomi had plans going out. We weren't exactly old enough to drink nor go out clubbing, but Naomi always found her ways. She has a huge following base on Instagram, so she uses the nightclubs as a way of promotion. Besides, we both have fake ID.

We've already decided that after our shift, we will go down to the basement where all the restaurants liquor is stored. If you just take small amounts of each bottle that is already open, no one will ever notice that even a single drop is missing.

And of course, this wasn't my idea, it was Naomi's. She's the creative mastermind behind every bad decision we've ever made. I think that's one of the reasons why I love her so much. She makes sure that I still manage to feel somehow sane, and she has a way with life that makes It feel like every bad decision is leading towards a great one.

When you drink - you have fun, when you steal – you gain some, and when you masturbate – you'll get an orgasm.

She has a way with things that feels like a sin, and I guess you could argue that some of it could be a sin, if you lay your trust on the Bible. There's one story from the bible that really caught my eye. The story about Adam and Eve. The snake in the garden of Eden is tempting Eve to take a bite of the apple and she accepts. Would I have done it?

No.

What's one bite worth, there's no value in one bite of apple. But there's a lifetime of value if you stay in the garden of Eden.

When I was homeless, a nice lady from one of the home shelters I stayed at, gave me the bible. I read it all, swallowed it raw. I remember that I was almost certain afterwards, that I was now religious.

The same lady that gave me the book told me, that I would experience a holiness like nothing else. She explained to me, that it was the words from the Bible that kept her from dying.

But I never felt the holiness that she so beautifully described. I can't deny that it was based on the fact that I was a child living in an adult world, but I began reading more books to see if I would get that holiness. These books were the only reason I survived staying on the streets.

It's such a cliché to say that reading books Is a way of escaping, but as a child It makes sense. It's easier to imagine living like the great Gatsby or Harry Potter. But the great Gatsby was a lie, and Harry Potter was a fictional character. In Harry's wonderous world, he lost his parents. In my horrid reality, I lost mine.''

----------------------------------------------------

A sudden noise took me out of my trance. That was Naomi's yelling that interrupted me; ''are you coming, Adrena?''

''Yes, just a sec,'' I replied, as I threw away the paper that I had just spend the past ten minutes writing. My hand were sore. There wasn't a trashcan in sight, so I put it in my bag.

Down in the basement Naomi was already at it, with at least three different bottles. She was playing music from her iPhone, and followed the rhythm with her hips.

''Where were you?'' she asked, while taking of the lid off an almost empty bottle of vodka.

''I was just re-counting the register, you know that Mark checks up on that.''

''Whatever, here –'' she handed me a bottle of whiskey.

The whole basement smelled like old blankets and cloths, and all the walls were stained with mold. I glanced at the bottle of whiskey I held in my hand, and drew a sight. I hated the taste. I took a huge sip and almost gagged as I swallowed.

''Good girl – that's the spirit!'' Naomi said, as she whistled with her fingers. I hushed at her, and told her to keep it down – if anyone found us down here, we would get fired immediately.

''Do you have any idea where we're going tonight?'' I asked, as I seated on one of the broken chairs from the upstairs dining area. One of the legs of the chair was missing so I was focused on keeping my balance.

''Of course I do. But I'll keep it a surprise. You have your ID with you, right?''

I nodded and took it out of my bag to show her. The paper I threw in earlier fell out.

''What's that?''

We both stared at the crumbled piece of paper, as if it was a nuclear weapon.

''It's nothing.'' I got up and went to pick it up.

''Well if it's nothing, then why can't I see it? Is it a looove letter?'' she imitated me kissing, by sliding her crossed arms down her back.

It's not that I'm ashamed of my writing, I'm just not comfortable with anyone reading it. Besides from that, I've never even considered myself a writer.

She put down the vodka and kneeled as she grabbed the paper. She unfolded it, and with a focused stare, she began reading. I didn't say anything. I was intrigued and mortified at the same time.

''That's some deep shit, A. You never told me about the lady and the bible?'' She got up and handed me the paper. She didn't remove her eyes from mine, instead she grabbed a chair and placed it right across from me. I felt guilty that I never told her about it – best friends are supposed to share their biggest dreams. I know Naomi's.

She is dreaming about being a dancer, and she's good at it too. More specifically, she wants to be Beyoncé's backup dancer. Since the day I met her, when we were only five years old, that's what she wanted to do.

She was so persistent with it, she trained almost daily and uploaded dancing tutorials and videos on her Instagram multiple times a week. Her Instagram, Naomisdancingwilder was one of the most popular dancing profiles in New Jersey. Her full name is Naomi Kwame Wilder.

''Yeah, I did. When I was like twelve or something.''

''You should seriously think about publishing this! I can totally help you, I know some people in PR.''

Naomi knows everyone. Or she claims that she do, which is practically the same nowadays.

''Let's not talk about that now, let's focus on those bad boys first –'' I said, as I pointed on the lonely, half empty bottles on the shelf behind us.

''Okay, but don't think for one second that I'll forget about this – I want to know more about that writer that's growing inside of you,'' she replied as she turned the music back on.

Half an hour later, we decided to leave the moldy basement and go into the city. Naomi was already pretty drunk.

We removed our tracks from the basement and used a picture that Naomi took of the bottles, to make sure it stood precisely as before. I turned off the lights, walked out and locked all the doors. I also locked the front door to the restaurant, as we had the nightshift.

We took the train to Tribeca and got on a subway. I still didn't know where we were going, but Naomi seemed pretty excited.

I wasn't drunk. Or, maybe I was, but I didn't feel it. The whole ride, Naomi was scrolling on her phone. I switched between glancing over her shoulders and listening to other people's conversations. I noticed how almost everyone was our age. It was past midnight, and it was Friday so it wasn't unusual. The city never sleeps.

A few minutes later, Naomi looked up from her phone and got up – ''this is our stop!'' she said with excitement as we walked to the exit door. No one else was getting off at our stop.

''Are you sure it's here?'' I asked her, with a concerned and rather confused look on my face.

Without hesitation she said yes, and grabbed my arm. ''It's just down this road, you'll see in a sec.''

I haven't been in this area before, it seemed abandoned.

''Are you sure? This doesn't seem right-''

''Yes, I am sure Adrena! Remember what you wrote about me? That I was the.. what did you call it.. mastermind behind all our bad decisions?''

''Yes, creative mastermind behind all our bad decisions – but don't you get my concern? There's literally no one on the street-''

We both stopped and looked around.

''That's because our party isn't up here! It's right below us, listen –''

We stood still and kept our breaths. From below, I could hear distant music.

''What the hell have you planned this time, Nao?''

Naomi laughed and jumped up and down in excitement – ''you are really gonna love this one!''

We walked a bit further and took a right turn. It didn't look like a nightclub at all. It looked more like an industrial area, that has been unguarded for ten years. There were bushes and wild plants growing everywhere and the fence had several huge holes. Seconds later, I discovered why.

We crawled through the fence and followed the music from underneath. It was getting louder, and suddenly we were standing outside an old concrete building.

''We're here!'' Naomi said, while using the flashlight on her phone to find her ID in her bag.

''You've got to be kidding me? Is this another one of your raves? I told you, I never want to step foot into one of those disgu-''

''Adrena, calm down! No, it's not a rave. It's actually a very popular nightclub, we just have to use the… back entrance, okay?''

I looked straight ahead and noticed how the lights and long que of people was standing on the opposite side of the building.

From what I could see, there were ladies in long glittery dresses, men in suits and high influenced individuals. This is why I love New York. Even in the most abandoned and ruined places, someone will find value.

''Naomi Wilder!''

A tall man in a black suit suddenly came out of the back entrance. His arms were wide open as he leaned in for a hug.

''Jack! So nice to see you man. And hey, thanks for the opportunity, we really appreciate it! This is Adrena by the way, she's my bestie.''

Jack removed his eyes from Naomi and looked at me. We shook hands.

''So, I can't really let you in without any ID. It's a bummer, I know, but.. you know the rules,'' he said, as he unlocked the door.

''I sure do,'' Naomi replied, as she took out her ID. She looked at me and signaled that I should do the same.

I think he knew that we weren't 21. He didn't even really look at the ID's, he just needed to hold them for a quick moment.

''You may enter, ladies'' he said, as he opened the door. The music was louder inside, but even more revealing was the vibrating floor. I could feel the bass from my toes.

''Uhm, Naomi who is Jack?'' I asked, as we gave our coats to one of the hosts.

She giggled a little. ''He's my cousin Rich's friend. He's one of the doormen here. Rich has some dirt on Jack, and Rich owes me, so therefore Jack owes me, I guess. I've heard about this club for months and really wanted to get in, so I used my.. creative mastermind to get us in!''

It made me laugh. There's nothing quite like Naomi's confidence.

''You won't let that 'creative mastermind' comment go, will you?''

She laughed and said; ''nope, never.''

We walked down the stairs, and immediately, the whole scenery changed. Suddenly, we weren't in an old concrete building anymore, we were in one of the most fancy high-standard clubs in New York.

''This is what success looks like, my dear Adrena,'' Naomi proudly said, as we entered the huge dance area.

''If this Is what success sounds like, then I would rather be poor and deaf!'' I yelled back. The music was extremely loud and the song that was playing was awful.

''Don't be a bitch, let's find the bar.'' Naomi grabbed my arm and dragged me through a huge dancefloor. Her brown, thick, curly hair that was put in a tight ponytail was bouncing from side to side. I noticed the jealous stares from the girls that were dancing. Naomi is always the prettiest one in the room.

As we waited for drinks, I glanced at her. With the same envy as the girls on the dancefloor, my eyes could only see the perfection in which she beholds. Her brown skin which the neon lights from the bar complimented so appealing, and her tall and slim figure.

I envied her brown, curly hair. I envied her confidence and the benefits she gained with it. I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't find a single positive adjective I could insure myself with.

''Here-''

She handed me a gin and tonic.

She looked at me concerned, and her big brown eyes looked straight into mine. ''Is everything okay? You seem off.''

''Oh, I'm fine!'' I took a sip of my drink – ''Let's find a place to sit?''

Two hours passed, and the familiar, comforting and yet scary feeling of being outside of my body made me dance.

I didn't have a care in the world. Nothing else, except the connection between me, the music and the floor, mattered. As i looked around, i got the feeling that everyone else on the dance floor felt the same.

The lights that were hanging from the ceiling was flashing to the music, and the ambience was incredible.

It wasn't until I opened my eyes and realized that Naomi was no longer dancing next to me. I looked around, and couldn't see her anywhere. I'd been in my own zone and hadn't even noticed that she left. Maybe i shouldn't have anymore drinks.

I grabbed my phone and tried to call her – went straight to voicemail.

I walked out of the huge mass of people dancing, and tried to get a better view. There were too many people, so i figured that i should start my search at the bar.

''Have you seen this girl?'' I asked the bartender, as I showed him a photo of her.

''Is that Naomisdancingwilder?'' he happily replied. I figured he was a fan.

''Yes, it is! Have you seen her?''

He shook his head.

''Hey, if you're not getting anything, then could you please fuck off?''

I turned around, and faced a woman who stood with her arms crossed. She didn't look to happy.

I shouted back; ''Jesus, i'm sorry. Here-''

I backed away, and saw how the bartender began making the rude woman a drink.

I was seconds from just going home, when suddenly a hand grabbed my shoulder tightly.

''I have seen your friend.''

I looked up and a pair of grey eyes met mine. He was tall with a pale pigment.

''Really? Where?''

He placed his hand on my back and dragged me away from the bar as he continued, saying; ''she left twenty minutes ago, with some guy. Don't know the man.''

It isn't the first time that Naomi has left me at a club alone. She is the best kind of friend and the most loyal, but sometimes her impulsive behavior isn't as charming as it sounds. I was now left alone at a nightclub in an area of Manhattan I've never been at before.

And going home alone at this hour as a woman, isn't safe.

''What's wrong? Is she your girlfriend or something?'' the guy asked, while he led out a subtle grin.

''No, it's not like that. Thanks for telling me anyways, have a great night-''

I walked away, and only managed to walk five steps before he stepped out right in front of me.

''You can't end your night already. Come have a drink with me? I promise you, it won't be boring.''

I thought about it as I looked around. Huge chandeliers were hanging from the ceiling, but instead of classical lightning, it were bright and vibrant colors. They were blinking with the beat. In the middle of the dancefloor, a DJ looked as if he was playing simon-says with the dancing crowd. If he threw a fist in the air, so did they.

Only ten minutes ago, I was one of them. And I had fun. Maybe I should try and let go, just this once. Not because I wanted to go home with the man, no. But because I've said no so many times, that I simply forget to cherish small gestures.

So i accepted the drink.

What's the worst that could happen?