Right Before I Commit Suicide

I am a woman from a rock and a hard place. I come from a village where having a car is regarded as being wealthy, and those that made it out to the big city tend to be the most powerful. I come from a poor background, the kind that only ate meat on Sundays and that depended on whether we could afford it. I just finished my matric, and I managed to get four distinctions and that was the first in my family, my village rather. I received calls from all sorts of companies offering me financial assistance to help further my education. I picked one and I began with my first year at Wits. I had never been to a place so beautiful, the vibe, the people, it was classy and new. I moved into a flat and I had a female roommate that was quite interesting, she was bubbly and a great crowd to be around. Never a dull moment. She was a bit of a drinker, and so one night I decided to have a taste and it tasted really bad, a smoked a joint and I was high off my ass. I was beginning to like my new life, we started doing things that I never imagined that I would ever do with her. She met a guy that she grew fond of, but then she still did horrible things to get by. I would meet a new guy every weekend, claiming that she loves her boyfriend but she still did those things. Her boyfriend would take us out and we would go to nice clubs, the bills were nothing to joke around either. He took us to a place in Menlyn called Ayepyep, it was filled all sorts of youths. I never truly enjoyed the music served there but then the vibe was truly amazing, how the people rejoiced in their drunk state. Coming from the place I came from, made more careful when it came to money and I would stick to light drinks and not exceed certain limits.

Natasha's boyfriend would call me Rea, he said, 'Rea, don't worry about anything. Everything is on me.' 'Reabetswe I would correct him. I should have known that there were strings attached to it. As we sat there, a friend of his came over and sat with us. He popped champagnes as I was more concerned about the bill to pay for those. R1800.00 for a bottle worth half that amount seemed obsured to me, but then it was a night to remember but one I would like to forget. The friend so proudly of himself, he boasted about how wealthy he was and so I quickly lost interest. We had different definitions of attractions, he figured that because I was a limpopo girl I knew nothing about money. I looked away and showed signs of discomfort, and that meant that I had to focus on the free drinks. I got drunk early, and began acting out. I was loud, I laughed like I was crazy, but then I was still great company. Later that night, my roommate was also drunk and so she asked her boyfriend to take us home. I had gotten used to the boyfriend and so I was a bit trusting. I got inside his car and fell asleep and hoped that they would wake me up when we got to our place. Instead, the man decided to take a detour to his house, we got out and went inside. He told us that the night was young, and so we chilled on the patio as he whipped us some drinks. It tasted different, and again, all alcohol tasted weird to me. I figured that I was too wasted. I began to feel horny, extremely horny. My nipples were hardening, and I began to crave something that I had never had. I told my roommate that I want to rest a bit and that they should wake me up when the shindig was done. Little did I know that it was all planned. Tshepiso took his girlfriend to his room as soon as I left, I got on top of the bed and forced myself to sleep as I kept on feeling extremely horny. After an hour, I heard the door open, and someone got inside. He came over to the bed, and it was Tshepiso. He sat right next to me and asked if i was okay.

He always had a way that he looked at me, I noticed by the way that he was defensive when his friend tried to make advances on me earlier on. He had on his signature cologne, 'If it isn't Guilty by Gucci, it is not a cologne' were his favorite words whenever I complimented him on his cologne. He leaned over and kissed me, and I pushed him away. He did not listen, not that I wanted him to in that very state. He carried on kissing me, and he began undressing me. I did not notice from the dimmed lights that he had a bucket of ice when he came into the room. I was a virgin at the time, and Lord knows that I craved for something that day. My roommate always told me about the size of the guy's penis and how good he was in bed, and so i often thought about it whenever I stuck a finger inside my crotch. He roughly pulled me up and removed my top, and as my boots were firmly pointing at him, he took the ice cubes and rubbed them on my nipples. Before I knew it, he pulled my jeans and opened my legs, with my one and only g-string, he took the cube and rubbed it on top of the fabric, and as it got even wetter, he began slapping it harder with each slap. He began muffing me on top of the underwear, it was so therapeutic and a new feeling. He began moaning his name before he was even inside of me. As he was bitting my clitoris below, his hands... His hands were slapping my boobs, and I got harder and harder the more that he did that. As I laid there contemplating on whether had a condom, he pulled away and without a word, he left the room. I figured that he went out to go and find a condom maybe, and so I laid there and waited for hours. It then made sense after a while that he was not coming back. I forced myself to sleep and in the morning things became awkward.

He cooked some breakfast and pretended as if nothing happened. We all stood in that kitchen and he barely looked at me for two seconds. Natasha left the kitchen and went to the bathroom, and right in that moment, Tshepiso came toward me, picked me up, and kissed me hard as he laid me on top of the stove. He pulled my underwear to the side and he muffed me hard. I found myself holding his head pushing toward me hard. Before I knew it, he pulled away and he picked me up and put me back where I was sitting. Natasha came back shortly after that and found us eating in silence. 'Awkward...' she said as she sat down. She was under the impression that I was upset that they did not drive me back home and so when I was quiet she thought that I was upset with her. I sat opposite side of Tshepiso, and as I sat there, I felt something under the table rubbing against my thighs, I quickly checked and it was his foot. I opened my legs and I could feel his toe rubbing against my vagina. Dear diary, I know that I was wrong doing what I did, but then I could not help it. I thought about him every single second, I became jealous whenever he spent time with Natasha. The more that I tried to pull away, was the more that he pulled me in.

He drove us home shortly after that and I watched him kiss Natasha, and it dug a hole inside of my heart. That is where the jealousy began, I started fancying Natasha, she came from a great family, a prestigious school and her parents were wealthy. She enjoyed fooling around, not for the money but the relevancy around her friends. I never got along with her friends, they were snobbish and rude, all they did was to put people down and gossip about one another. Natasha had the life I wish I had, she was half colored and the girl looked like a glass model, she had curly hair, and a body of a goddess. What got to me was that Tshepiso still wanted to be with me, after all of that beauty.

The man started coming over more frequently, whenever Natasha took a shower, he would come to my room and kiss me. I barely spent time with him, but then whenever that I did, it would be electrifying. I remember a night that he came over and spent the night, Natasha was on her periods and so she overdosed on pain medication and fell asleep early. I was in my room and so on my way to the bathroom, I found him on the couch masturbating. As he was about to come, he noticed me and stopped. I gently laughed and he stood up with a rock hard penis, I had never seen anything in that size before. He came toward me and pulled me to my room. I told him that Natasha would hear us and so the man picked me up and he took me to the balcony. I barely had anything on, I had on some shorts and a small shirt. He removed the clothing and we were both butt naked on the balcony. He forced me to kneel over and suck his penis, it was huge. I held it in my hand and wondered how Natasha could take a penis that long. I began sucking him, and his moans were really good. He then pulled me up and placed my naked body on the cold floor, he then muffed me and he took his engorged wand and paved his way inside of my closed doors. It was painful but not in the way that I had anticipated. I asked him to slow and he did as i asked, I gotten used to him doing as I asked, he did things his way. He became rough and the strokes came in faster than before. I moaned even harder than before. I felt my legs shake and he pulled out and he came on top of my stomach. He dipped his finger inside my belly button and he placed it in my mouth with come on it.

What came after that really took me by surprise. He would call me at night just to remind about what I meant to him, he went as far as to introduce me to his sister. She told me that he had never brought a girl to meet her before and that I must be really special to him. It made me feel wanted, it made me want him more. He began to spend less time with Natasha, and when the girl was out doing her dirty work with other men, he would come over. We would have sex like crazy, he bought me gifts, took me out, we shopped, we seemed like the perfect couple. He took me to book seminars and introduced me to a life that I never knew existed. I was getting to used to calling him mine that I forgot that Natasha does the same. The girl would come to me and tell me about how the guy ignores her, that she hasn't heard from him in a week and he ignores her calls. She was losing weight, she began drinking too much and she smoked to fall asleep. It was painful to watch go through that, but then I could not do anything because I already fell in love with him.

Late one Thursday night, she went out with her friends and I called him to come over. He did so three hours later. I was furious because I wanted to see him so badly and spend time with him. He barely said a word, he picked me up and took me to the balcony. He reaped my shorts and threw them down. He fucked me senselessly, and enjoyed when I called him 'Daddy'. It was somewhat of a pattern that he would come on my face or in my mouth, this time around he did not come. Or that I saw rather. He gently kissed me on my forehead and whispered the words, 'I owe you my new joy in existence. I truly found the sense of being at the edges of your smile.' I had never felt anything so intense and pure, he valued my worth and it worthwhile having. As we were outside, I heard a few voices from the house and right within that moment, i saw Natasha inside the house. She came right at us with a bottle of Veuve and a cigarette. She caught us red handed and all hell broke loose, she was with three of her friends. She threw the bottle at him and it broke on his arm as he shielded his face. Her friends quickly came to the balcony, pulled me into the house and they started beating me up. They took turns stomping on me, it was painful, they took videos of them pouring champagne on me, and went as far as to take an open bottle and she forced it inside of my vagina. They made Instagram live videos, calling me all sorts of names. Tshepiso wouldn't let them, he pushed them away, but then they were still too aggressive. He was not one to ever abuse a woman, but then on that very day, he did something beyond his control. He slapped Natasha, picked her up and locked her room. He went to mine and took a towel, he picked me up and we were about to leave the apartment, one of the girls took a bottle full of champagne and slammed on Tshepiso's head. He then fell on his knees and lost his consciousness. They then paraded around me, they slapped me and forced me to leave the apartment. They chased after me, and I ran as hard as I could. I went to the rooftop hiding, I sat there hoping that the girls would leave and I might get a chance to apologize to Natasha.

I sat out there in the cold, and worsen my day, it began to rain and I was forced to return to my room. On my way there, an old woman saw me and called out to me. I stopped and she gave me a towel and told me that if I need someone to talk to, I should come to her. She had four missing teeth and marks on her face, one could easily tell that she had been through a lot in life. She looked at my bleeding skin and she simply knew that I was in trouble. She said the words, 'If you have to sleep in tears. It is no longer love. It took me a while to realize what that meant, I hope you learn from my mistakes.' I was moved by her words, I promised to return her towel and I went back to my apartment. The door was locked and so I went to the general worker, he always had spare keys of each floor. I then went to my room and found Tshepiso and Natasha having sex on our couch. I didn't know what to do in that moment, I was furious and deeply hurt. I felt used and trashy. Tshepiso looked up and saw, and with an erect penis, he said,

'What the hell are you looking at?' I couldn't believe my ears.

I went to my room and cried the entire night. I couldn't eat, because they were always in the house, having sex on everything. Natasha was still not speaking to me, and Tshepiso barely spent any seconds looking at me.

It carried out for a period of three months, and it was a hard pill to swallow. I tried to convince the company that was funding my education about moving but then they would not respond to my emails. I had to brutally watch the man that I loved, with another woman. They took long hours, patiently having sex in the shower as I needed to use the toilet. It was hard to live through that, and to make things worse. I went home one weekend and my mother spotted something that I did not, I gained a lot of complexion, my boobs were bigger and I ate more than I usually have. I was too stressed to even notice the changes in my body, she looked at me and told me that I was pregnant. I fought hard to convince that I wasn't, but then mother was always able to tell when a person was pregnant and she was always right. I panicked and went to town the next day, I bought pregnancy tests and it showed that I was. I went back home and hid it in my room. Mother found it the next day as she cleaned my room, which was something that she never did. She then told me that I should not abort the child because God was against such acts. I tried to convince to get rid of it but then she still insisted on it.

I went back to Johannesburg on Sunday. I opened the door to my flat and found rose petals on the floor, and as I walked to my room, I found Tshepiso on one knee, proposing to Natasha. She hugged him and as she saw me she laughed as she looked away. I went to my room and carried on crying. After some hours I came out and found Tshepiso in the kitchen and I told him that I was pregnant and he looked at me and said, 'What are you telling me for? Do I look like I want to have a child with you?' it broke my heart so badly. I ran to my room in tears, and he laughed at me.

He kept it a secret from Natasha, but then I was showing. After a few weeks, he came to me and gave me R1000 to go and abort the child and I refused. He left the room and came back with Natasha. The girl was furious, she got into my room and slapped me. She punched me several times, warning to get rid of the child or she will remove it herself. Before I knew it, Tshepiso came back with a coat hanger, kicked me on my head and fell unconscious, he opened my pajamas, stretched my legs and poked the hanger inside of my vagina, until he saw galons of blood coming. He did for sometime until I woke up to pain. A plethora of blood surrounding and both Tshepiso and Natasha were not around. I looked around the room and none of her stuff were still there. I grabbed my phone and called an ambulance. I was admitted to hospital, and the doctor told me that I lost the child. Not only that, he told me that I would have to give birth to a dead child and that my would need surgery. It was the longest period of my life, after the child was taken out, they made the surgery and I returned back home. News had spread and people saw from social media about how humiliated I was, they laughed at me. As I was still healing, I constantly felt something cutting me from the inside, mother took me to the clinic and when an x-ray was made, they found that the nurses that made the surgery left a scissor inside my womb.

I write to you now with blood on my left hand, I already drank a bottle of pills. This is the end for me, dear diary, to who needs to hear this, may this find them in time.

Natasha, I am sorry for taking what belonged to you. May he make you happy.

Tshepiso Mokoena, I hope she is everything you ever wanted. I am about to take my life, when you get this, just know that I truly loved you.

Bye.