Chapter 6: You can't stop me from trying!

"Wake up, Ella."

It's a warm deep voice and I move in my sleep, I remember the safety of that voice, the love and security it brings. I remember being small and wrapped up in arms that would never let me fall. I wriggle a little and wait for him to call again, to come and wake me with tickling or with a kiss to the top of my head.

"Ella!"

That's not the voice I love. That's not my dad. That's my father, the man who burned me and hurt me and cast me out. I start awake, my heart racing in sudden fear and bolt upright in my bed. Thomas Crow, alpha of the Bright Lake Pack, stands in my room. His great size is so big that he has to hunch a little to fit inside, his head ducking so he won't bump it on the ceiling. He's the one I get my brown hair from, shaggy and long down my back. My mother is where I get my dark eyes.

"Sir," I say, not sure what he wants or why he's here but knowing that there's no good in asking questions.

"I see you managed to get yourself free," he says, kicking the discarded ropes to one side. He doesn't look mad, I know his mad voice better than I know my own name and this isn't it. I'm not really sure what this is. "I will have that nail removed in the future. I will not risk you embarrassing our pack to visitors."

"Is that why..."

He cuts across me. "You don't ask why, Ella. You accept my judgment as your alpha who knows what is right for you."

I swallow hard and shuffle so my back is up against a wall. He's taken advantage of an expanse of skin before and I have the marks and scars to show for it. "Sir - why did you never cast me out?"

It's the question the whole pack asks themselves but never out loud. It's been a question since my mother left, stealing the beloved Luna from the pack.

I've never dared ask before.

"I am no coward," my father says. "Your mother was not able to deal with the shame of having birthed you, Moon bless her. One day she may still return to us and some might say it would be better for us all if you were not here when she comes back. But I do not turn away from the challenges that the Goddess gives us. You were given to me and I intend to keep you."

It's not comforting, the way he says it. He looks at me with cold disgust in his eyes and I can't look away no matter how much I want to. He hates me. I've known it for a long time but he rarely allows himself to show it as clearly as he is right now.

"Sir, I -" there's a clatter outside my window and I turn my head to look on instinct. The servants are cleaning the bowers of flowers away from the courtyard. Some are pulling out the usual meal tables while others are hanging up the great feasting cloths that cover the big feast table to dry in the gentle breeze. It's a scene of such painful normalcy that it takes me a moment to realiZe none of this should be happening if the goddess is still here.

"She's gone?" I whisper, my heart suddenly in my mouth.

"She left at the dawn," my father says, a pleased note in his voice. "She asked after you, told me some foolish story about how you were meant to come with her. I told her you could not bear to leave your siblings and she bids you well."

I spin to face him, my mouth gaping open. He took from me this last precious thing, this chance to be a full person instead of the trash that the pack kicks around and he looks smug about it, he looks happy like this was a good thing to do, like I'm his to decide what to do with!

"Why?" I manage, my throat tight and my voice hoarse.

He hits me then, a broad smack across my cheek to set me bruising again. It's a warning blow. "You don't ask why," he says, a growl behind his voice as his wolf rises closer to the surface. "You do as you're told. I won't have you out there bringing shame on our name. You'll be here where I can make sure you behave instead of spending your time luring vampires and breaking out of your room."

I clap a hand over my neck where the vampire fed from last night and he laughs bitterly, thrusting my coiled rope into my face and shaking it. "You won't be leaving this way again," he says mockingly. "You will be staying in this room until you have learned a lesson about disobeying me and until her Ladyship is too far away for you to find. Be glad that's all I do, Ella."

With that he leaves and he takes my climbing rope with him.

I have a lot of time to think, especially as he's stripped my curtains and blanket from my room. I have a lot of time to roll his words over in my mind. I wonder whether he'd have loved me if I had a wolf, or if he'd have been harsh in a different way. I can recall the pressure of his expectations before my ceremony. I can remember the judgment in his gaze as he waited to make sure I was not disappointing him.

I think about this and many other things as I gather together my spare clothes, most too small and old, and I weave them. My fingers ache and then they start to bleed from ripping and twisting. My hands are sore and my back is sore and my eyes want to cry but I won't let them.

I strip my gift ceremony dress into shreds and add it to the end and then I take the last thing I have of my mother, the scrap of fabric I wrap my treasures in. It's a strip from her wedding dress. I found it shredded on the floor the morning after she left.

It's just enough.

Once night falls I slide out my window and I walk towards the forest. I act like I'm going to get firewood. I try to put that thought so firmly in my mind that I'm even thinking about the best places to look for branches.

I don't look back or try to find faces to say goodbye to. I don't wait or hesitate and I take nothing with me except my musicbox and my screwdriver. No one stops me. No one sees me. I am finally free.