5) After

Ow.

"What the heck is wrong with you?" Karis scolds me. Her eyes are dark and angry. "You think we all don't want to escape, too?" She grabs the clothing on my chest and I watch as her teeth clench and her eyes breath fire. Exasperated, she releases my shirt with a sigh and a shove.

        I'm not sure what to say to her. It wasn't my choice to walk through the darkness. I hadn't chosen to meet the man behind everything. I hadn't chosen to try to escape though I know I wanted to deep down inside. 

        I smiled at Karis. I tried to make it look as gentle as I possibly could. Her back is turned now. Why am I even trying? I allow the smile to disappear but when she turns around, I release it again. Her eye brows furrow. In her eyes, she looks tired. Maybe all the time she's spent here has worn her out. How long has she been here, anyway?

        She sits back on her bed and into the same position as when I first met her. I frown. Why do I keep smiling and then frowning? I feel like a glitch in a video game now, unsure what my mission is. What IS my mission? What am I trying to accomplish here?

       Karis closes her eyes and before I even blink, she's off in her own space. I'm curious as to what she's doing and a part of me wants to ask. Have I angered her too much today for something like that?

       I climb up on the empty bunk bed above the girl who's mind has apparently been completely erased by Karis. Do I even believe that's possible? Should I even believe any of this? Surely this is just a ridiculous dream. I pinch my arm, expecting my eyes to open to the morning light of my bedroom, but the only light I see is what is offered to me by the window.

What time of day is it? Is there even such a thing as day and night in death? Am I really dead? I don't have to breathe; it goes straight through me. Except when it doesn't and I choke, but still, how can I be dead? How can Karis steal memories? How do I know she isn't lying? She could be the Shadow Man's spy for all I know. Also, why hadn't she tried to escape? Why is she so against me escaping?

Why, why, why?! The questions go on and on, endless and frustrating. I reach the top bunk and sit down.

        I glance up at Sofe sitting on top of the bunk bed in front of me. What made her go mad? Is she a spy sent here by him? Is he even a he? What if he's just pretending to be the male gender? Demons have genders, too, right? Can they all transform? I shake my head. This is unreal. None of this is possible. I'm at war with myself, unsure how to behave, how to react, and unsure if I'm even alive anymore. Does this mean I will never see my family again? Surely they couldn't get themselves caught up in this? This happened by chance. What about the monster that attacked Cynthia and I during lunch? What happened to it? Did it attack someone else after I was down for the count? Possibly. The last thing I remember is the snapping of fingers in front of me. Yes. They must've noticed I was slipping away and were trying to grab my attention. They were trying, in vain, to save me. I wish they were more successful in that goal. I wish I weren't here.

        But if I wasn't here, who would protect Cynthia?

Definitely not you. My mind counters.

        I can't help fearing that my mind is right. What exactly have I done to protect her? She's not here, is she? She's gone. You were so trapped in your own fear of the dark that you hadn't even thought of her. You prioritized yourself over the one person outside of your family you can trust.

        The pain of the admission is unbearable. I smell salt and I sob loudly. I realize I'm probably bothering one of the other girls, but I don't care. No, why should I care? I've turned on myself. I'm trapped here with an evil monster, a psychopath, a girl who is trapped in her own mind, should I even continue the damn list?

I curl up in a ball of self pity. I can't even protect myself. How am I supposed to protect my friend? And what about these girls? How am I supposed to protect them?

You are so young. So naive. The voice makes me freeze still. This is the same voice that told me I had to leave, the one who took control of my body, making my psyche helpless and chaotic. The voice continues its parade through my mind. They are not our responsibility.

Our? The voice doesn't respond.

It's very short spoken. I snivel into the thin white sheets below me and taste my snot and tears. It doesn't disgust me.

Is this another part of my brain scolding me? I know my usual logical voice but this one seems much different, more independent. This isn't just another part of me.

        I hear a small shuffling noise and jump upwards, alert. Someone else is here. I slowly approach the side of the bed and see a small pale hand clenched in a ball. Freckles douse the arm and hair smatters the sweat-covered face of my cousin and best friend, Cynthia.

        I warily climb down the ladder. I should be happy she's back, but all I feel is a deep stab in my chest. Is this regret? Guilt?

        No matter. I didn't help her before but that doesn't mean I won't help her now. I lift her limp body to the best of my ability to the middle bed, the one she had woken up on when I first appeared here. How much longer was she here than me? Surely it was only a few moments but by the time I got here, she looked like she had already witnessed and gone through multiple horrors. I hate that she had to go through that. I hate that the monster in that vault down under the school attacked her and not me. I would be in this situation.

        When I finally get her whole body onto the bed, I move the hair plastered to her from her face and move my head close to her heart. I shake my head and try her wrist. I don't feel a pulse.

        She can't be dead. No, she—

        No. She's already dead. How do I know when her soul completely withers away? How can she sweat if she's dead? Is it residue of some sort? What has she gone through beyond the wall of darkness? It has to have been something seriously traumatic if she's in this position.

        God, I'm so weak.

        Does God even exist? Why would he put me through this kind of torture? Why would he put Cynthia through this? Why does it have to be us? Why not someone who deserves it? Do I not deserve it?

        I mean, look at my first reaction to this entire experience. I've done nothing to help anyone. Then again, what could I possibly do. I hear another bit of shuffling and I see Karis moving toward me from the corner of my eye. I don't look at her because why should I? There doesn't seem to be many rules here. Actually, there's probably many that I don't know of because I haven't broken them. I only know leaving is against the rules because it's obvious. This includes the fact that the Shadow Man himself told me so.

It's strange how little noise Karis can make. She has such amazing grace and an air of superiority. Maybe it's because she's the elder in all of this.

"She's not dead." Karis says quietly as I stare at my friend, tears brimming my eyes and threatening to fall. I shake my head. Of course she isn't. Something tells me she would have long faded by now if that were the case. I wish things weren't so sad and withdrawn. Even the room is dull. No color, no happiness if you don't include Sophia. I'm glad she can find stability in all of this mess. I can't do that.

I'm sorry, mom. I can't smile here. It's all too horrible. There isn't even anyone to smile for, so I'm still following your wishes. I glance up at Karis who is staring at me. What's she thinking? Her mouth tilts downward and she sucks her lips into her mouth making her look awkward and all around human. I try not to show my surprise and can't help the remark that escapes my dry tongue: "I didn't think you did that."

Her look disappears, replaced by one of quizzical confusion.

I release a humorless laugh. "I see you as someone stone-like and depressing. You have no hope. Then you go and make that face and I can't help recognizing you as another person instead of the old soul you try to make me see." I'll admit, I didn't think she was capable. Something must have changed. She doesn't respond. Her face relaxes and she looks cold.

I gulp and shiver at her indiscreet smolder. I expect her to laugh it away. I'm not sure why I think that one innocent look could change how she is, but I know that it was definitely a stupid thought. She heads back to the bed into her basic position and leans her head back with her eyes closed and somewhere in the midst of all the craziness, I wish I could be at peace that way, too.