'WHAT ARE YOU DOING'
"Angel, I... I am sorry," Kelvin stated, perhaps trying to start a conversation after the long period of silence that had enveloped the living room. I was focused on my drink, trying to make it the center of my attention in every possible way. I hadn't looked up at any moment after the intense stares they had both given me. Being stared at made me nervous, especially, I don't know if anyone gets it, but being caught between an ex and a current lover was not easy. It felt like digging my own grave. I needed to say something. I didn't want Leniey to hear all of this. I just needed my time alone. I needed to think. I needed something to help clear my mind. I didn't want to look at Leniey. He was the closest person I had in this place. I barely even wanted to check what he was doing. I just hoped he wouldn't press the issue, but I wasn't sure. I wondered about Leniey's thoughts and my own position in all of this. For Kelvin, he obviously saw me as his partner, and Leniey as his modeling agent and a partner trying to help us think through what was happening between us. Kelvin's thoughts were quite clear, but what about Leniey's? What was he thinking? Was he thinking as much of what had been, or rather what I was also thinking.
"I can't do this," I stated, taking sips of my drink. I honestly wanted to leave.
"Angel... you two have to settle things down," Leniey stated. What? Wait... what? Was Leniey really serious, or was he trying to act on some bro code or whatever they call it? The last time I checked, Kelvin wanted so much to hurt me, not physically but with his words. The last time I checked, Leniey was eyeing me and wanted to discuss us, everything that happened… totally everything. The last time I checked, Leniey was an ex I had taken years to get over, I really had taken hell of time to get over him. The last time I checked, Kelvin called me a bitch. The last time I checked, Kelvin told me straight to my face that he felt better than ever when he cheated on me with that blonde, as he had stated, 'her sex was much better. The last time I checked, I was alone, crying while watching the stars, waiting for a gust of wind to carry me away and leave me be. The last time I checked, Kelvin had rightfully declared that he needed me for nothing. And the fact remained that, no matter how much I tried to contemplate, justify, or whatever the hell I could call this, Kelvin's words pierced through my weak heart, shattering all the chambers and walls I had built to avoid the pain and sorrow of heartache. And here I was, stuck between two men, trying to figure out what to listen to, what to communicate, what to do, and so on. I was not in the mood for this. I was furious, literally furious. I could feel my anger escalating, every nerve in my body urging me to stand up and leave this place, call Eva to pick me up, or just take a bus or something of that sort.
I don't know how quickly my reflexes acted, for I was already standing up. They both knew I was not ready for this pep talk or whatever the hell they wanted to do with me. I wasn't ready for any apologies. Kelvin and I were done, and I meant it. They didn't react at first, but when I walked into Leniey's room to check if any of my things were there, I felt Leniey slightly touch my hand.
"What are you doing?" I questioned, referring to everything—making me sit with Kelvin to talk things out and his attempt to touch my hand, which he quickly withdrew.
"I'm sorry... Angel, don't leave. Let me figure out how to chase him away," Leniey said in almost a whisper, clearly not wanting Kelvin to overhear our conversation. As he spoke, his eyes pleaded with me. His words and the way he looked at me brought tears to my eyes. It was another emotional moment, and I tried my best to avert my gaze from his. I needed someone to talk to, even if it was the lamest response; I just needed someone to communicate with, someone to tell me, someone to help me delve deeper into the thoughts and yearns of my heart. I really needed someone to talk to, and surely not anyone to do with these men.
'Kelvin, God.' Of course, it was easier for him to apologize. Moreover, it's just one word that doesn't even hurt—just apologizing and somehow getting away with it. I've let many things about him slide, like when he talked about our relationship troubles in front of Leniey, back them in the university at my apartment. Maybe I should have realized then that he would talk about me to other people, maybe I should have taken it as a red flag of sort. I somehow, okay, honestly, had no idea Leniey was in this area of the country. Maybe the phone grabbing would work... I can't remove myself from that.., or maybe we should see, we should see where all this started, the roots, and maybe I can tell him to leave it at that. All this time Leniey was in front of me, and I had already sat on his king-size bed, my head buried in my hands. I was in chaos, not thinking straight. I don't even know why Kelvin's words affected me so much, but they did. They would affect anyone, not just because of love, but because being intimate with him had created a certain connection. Before, everything was fine, the relationship was charming, until all this mistrust crept in, just after that podcast.
"Okay, let's go and talk things out then," I said after the long one-on-one conversation with my thoughts.
We both left, with Leniey leading, as we sat at our respective sofas.
"Where do we start?" Leniey questioned and continued, "Should it be from the truth or drink game, or from where all of this began?... all of this mistrust, all of this,…the issues, everything."
"Ladies first," Kelvin said, and I suddenly felt bad. His voice seemed filled with contempt and anger, and I became afraid that he might become violent with me. Maybe the phrase "ladies first" was quite manipulated, but I decided to start, feeling my heart clench.
"The podcast," I stated, not wanting to say much about it.
"How about you explain it? I'm trying to remain calm, you know. Everything was perfect. I gave you everything, Angel. I took you to the most expensive restaurants, I helped with publishing and marketing your book, and I ensured you were respected by everyone. So, who was that Leniey? Why don't you start there?" Kelvin stated, his hands trembling, veins visible, and his eyes bloodshot and red. It seemed like he was breaking inside, trying hard not to show it, clenching his face and suppressing his emotions. I noticed all of this, but did he notice the change in his own voice? Did he realize how he spoke, as if I were a small, foolish child deserving a thorough scolding? I suddenly felt demeaned again, and Kelvin's words hurt more than anything else. I wanted to say something, but what was there to say?
"Leniey, I can't do this," I stated.
"My anger has nothing to do with it. Just speak, say anything," Kelvin interjected. Leniey remained silent, and for a moment, I felt as if he was starting to question why he was there. I saw the way he raised his eyebrows, as if thinking, 'I shouldn't be here.'
"What do you want me to say? Your insecurities caused all of this," I stated.
"No, Angel. My insecurities? Come on, I wouldn't be insecure about anything if I wasn't sure about it. You know it better than anyone in this world. I was insecure because I felt it. I felt you slipping away, becoming more distant, and keeping secrets. You started excluding me from your plans. I felt it all. I just needed you to understand the pain you were causing, the ache I felt, the fear... the fear, Angel. I fear losing you. I really do," Kelvin stated. For the first time, I saw the old Kelvin resurface—the nurturing, caring, protective, and providing Kelvin. But what he didn't know was that he had already lost me. I wasn't even sure if I was really there when he found me. All I knew was that loving him or him loving me was always a losing game, something I wasn't sure about. I wondered what Leniey thought, what he was feeling, hearing this, hearing the girl he once dated be told all this, I guess it is as complicated.