32. Chapter 32

“You always say you feel closer to Andrea here,” Maya said as Carina pushed her into the chapel which was thankfully empty, “And…I don’t know…I kinda wanted to…thank him I guess.”

“What?” Carina said, very confused as she stopped the wheelchair at the front pew.

“Can we sit together?” Maya asked, “I want to be close to you.”

“Si,” Carina said, still confused but trusting her wife implicitly.

She helped her up before getting her seated on the pew, making sure none of the cords got pulled as Maya moved. Once the blonde was seated, Carina sat down next to her, Maya immediately leaning on her a little bit as Carina draped the blanket that been cover Maya in the wheelchair over both of their laps.

They sat there for a while, Carina giving Maya the space she knew she needed to open up.

“I saw him,” Maya said softly a few minutes later.

“Cosa?” Carina said, not understanding what Maya meant.

“Your brother,” Maya said, staring straight ahead, “I saw him after the accident. Well, I didn’t see him the first time, right after the accident before I got to the hospital. Right after the car hit us, I was in the clouds I always dreamed about as a kid, except instead of being the peaceful, restful place I thought they would be. Being there was stressful and disorienting and lonely. I couldn’t figure out how to get out and then suddenly, there was a hand coming through the clouds and I tried to grab it, but instead, it pushed me away, out of the clouds and that’s when I woke up. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was his hand. Then, when I was in the coma while I had sepsis, I was in the clouds again. I was desperate to get out of them, to get back to you, when suddenly the hand appeared again and I thought it was going to push me out again, but instead, it grabbed my hands and suddenly, I was pulled through the clouds and there was Andrew, standing right in front of me. I was so happy to see him and begged him to get me out of the clouds. He told me he couldn’t yet, that I wasn’t ready. I fought him, told him I was, that I needed to get back to you, that I didn’t want to be in the clouds and he just stood there and let me yell and scream and be angry until I wore myself out. Then he wrapped me in a hug and told me it was ok, that I could rest there until it was time to come back to you. I cried in his arms and told him I needed to get back to you, that I couldn’t leave you alone, and he told me that if I didn’t rest, that I was going to end up leaving you alone because me body needed me to be still and rest to come back. I was getting really tired then and he carried me to a bed and told me to sleep. The next thing I remember, he was shaking me awake, telling me it was time to go back to you. I know it sounds stupid, but I wanted him to come with me, and he told me that he couldn’t, but that was why he really needed me to come back and be here for you. He told me how proud he was of us, how proud he was of you and that he was sorry that he couldn’t be here, but that he’s always watching out for you and then he pushed me back out of the clouds and back to you.”

Maya finished, still looking forward, remembering these conversations. Andrew had also told her thank you for taking care of his big sister and told he that she better never stop and that she needed to fight as hard as she could for Carina.

The logical side of Maya’s brain was screaming at her that seeing Andrew was just a figment of her comatose brain, but it felt so real. She had tried to shake it from her brain since she woke up, but she couldn’t and that was why she decided she had to tell her wife.

Finally, she gained the courage to look over at Carina, seeing the tears running down her face.

“Don’t cry,” Maya said, pulling Carina closer to her, “I didn’t mean to make you sad. Sorry. I shouldn’t have told you.”

“No, Bambina,” Carina said, “I am glad you told me. I’m not sad exactly. I mean, I am because I miss him, but knowing that Andrea was there for you when I couldn’t be… Something about that makes me feel happy and sad and heartbroken and loved and so many other things. Thank you for telling me. You know I spent hours in here the night of your accident?”

“You did?” Maya asked, having not heard much about that night.

“Si,” Carina said, “Amelia and I sat right here on the floor for a very long time. Half the fire department was up in the lobby waiting for you which was very nice but so overwhelming and I couldn’t be there so I came here and Amelia joined me, and Andy for a while, but she wanted to be with the firefighters. I just couldn’t be with all of them when the one firefighter I wanted most wasn’t there.”

Maya didn’t realize that that many firefighters were there for her, not telling her wife that this was something that was done when people were worried that the injured firefighter was not going to make it, not wanting to scare her.

“I am glad Amelia was here for you,” Maya said, “That you weren’t alone.”

“I was begging Andrea and Mamma to keep you safe and let you come back to me,” Carina said, feeling tears running down her cheeks, “I don’t know what I would have done if…”

“But you didn’t,” Maya said, holding Carina as tightly as she could, “I am right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Carina just cried into Maya’s side, the tears eventually turning into sniffles and then stopping all together. They just sat there for a long time, neither of them talking, both of them just needing the other one close.

“Thank you for choosing this to be your first adventure out of your room,” Carina said as Maya yawned a little bit, “I want to go light a candle and then we can go back to our room. You still need to drink something and then I think you need a nap.”

“Can I come with you to light the candles?” Maya asked, “I think I can do it.”

“Ok,” Carina said, “But I am going to bring the wheelchair over just in case.”

Maya nodded, Carina getting the wheelchair in place before helping her up.

“Alright,” the Italian said, coming back over to her wife, “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded as Carina handed her her pillow, the blonde standing up as Carina put her cane in her hand, “I feel like a grandma with this stupid thing.”

“Well, you can’t really use any other mobility device with your broken arm,” Carina said as they slowly walked toward the candles, “And you are not steady enough on that leg without it.”

“I know,” Maya said as they approached the candles, “I just don’t like it.”

“I know,” Carina said, “But you would like falling a lot less, si?”

“Yes,” Maya agreed as Carina grabbed the box of matches.

Both of them were quiet as Carina struck a match, lighting one candle and then another.

“Grazie Mamma,” Carina said softly as she lit the first one, “Grazie Andrea.”

Carina then closed her eyes, silently mouthing words as Maya just stood there, looking at the flames of the candles, giving her wife a little bit of privacy. She thought about the last time the two of them stood in this room together.

It had been Andrew’s birthday, just a few months ago, his second one that he was gone for. Maya had taken the day off, not sure how Carina was going to be.

The year before, Carina had spent most of the day moving around the apartment, struggling to get comfortable. Maya had tried to help as much as she could, feeling entirely inadequate for most of it. However, Carina had eventually decided to pull out an old photo album and tell Maya all about how they used to spend Andrea’s birthday.

The second birthday Andrew wasn’t around for Maya was very unsure of how her wife was going to be, remembering how terrible the anniversary of his death had been.

However, Carina had gotten up in the morning and had asked if they could spend the day out. Maya had been surprised but happy to do whatever her wife wanted. They had gone to one of Andrea’s favorite bookstores where Carina had bought the newest book by her brother’s favorite author.

They had then gone for a walk in a park that Andrea had loved before going to the hospital where Carina lit candles before she and Maya just sat in the pews, Carina telling stories about her brother and their childhood and her favorite memories of him. Carina left the book in a patient waiting room so someone else could enjoy her brother’s favorite author.

They then went home, Carina teaching Maya how to make Andrea’s favorite birthday meal. It had been a sad day but also one filled with a lot of reminiscing and happy memories.

It made Maya smile that instead of spending Andrew’s entire birthday in mourning, that Carina was able to remember the happy times she had with her little brother and that she felt comfortable to share them with her. She knew the memories Carina had with Andrea were some of the most precious and the fact that she was willing to share something so private and personal made Maya feel more loved than she understood.

“Bambina?” Carina said softly, pulling Maya out of her thoughts, “Va bene?”

“Yeah,” Maya said, “Are you ready to go?”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “Do you want the wheelchair?”

“I…” Maya started, going to take a step and realizing her leg wasn’t going to have it, “Yeah.”

Carina got the wheelchair, putting it in position before helping her wife sit down.

“Ready to go?” Carina asked after putting Maya’s blanket on her lap.

“Yeah,” Maya said, yawning a little, “I don’t know why I’m so tired.”

“Bambina, you are recovering,” Carina said as they started through the hospital, “And you have been doing so much. You are going to need a lot of rest, and that is perfectly fine and normal. And you won’t feel this tired for the whole time, but yesterday and today have been very big days for you.”

“I guess,” Maya sighed as they got into the elevator, “I just don’t want to be so tired and sleeping so much.”

“What else do you have to do?” Carina laughed, “It’s not like you have budgets or incident reports or probies to yell at. All you have to do is get better.”

“I just don’t like it,” Maya grumbled as they got off the elevator.

“I know,” Carina said, putting a gentle hand on Maya’s shoulder, “But your body needs it.”

Maya nodded as they got back to her room, Carina helping her get back to sitting on the bed before realizing Maya couldn’t lay down herself.

“Let me get a nurse,” Carina said, hitting the call button, “Are you ok sitting here for just a minute?”

“Yeah,” Maya said, “My abs are getting pretty tired, but I’m ok.”

“You can rest them once we get you laying down,” Carina said, brushing her thumb over Maya’s cheek, “They have been working very hard today.”

“Come here,” Maya said, tugging on Carina’s hand.

Carina leaned down, kissing Maya on the lips, the blonde moving a little to deepen it only to have her abdominal muscles start screaming as they contracted, causing her to push away as she let out a yelp of pain.

“What happened?” Carina asked, immediately flipping into doctor mode.

“Muscles,” Maya groaned as Carina realized what had happened, grabbing the pillow and holding it against Maya’s stomach, rubbing the blonde’s back a little, “Just breathe Bambina.” Just then, the nurse came in.

“What’s going on?” she asked, coming over to them.

“She needs help laying down,” Carina said, “And she just used her abdominal muscles a bit more than she should have.”

“Ok,” the nurse said, “Maya, we are going to get you laying down, ok? Ready Carina?”

The Italian nodded quickly getting herself into position as they laid Maya down and moved her across the bed to her spot, the blonde visibly relaxing as she was able to fully stop using her muscles.

“Better?” Carina asked as she watched Maya’s facial expression change.

“Yeah,” Maya said, “Much better.”

“Do you need any pain meds?” the nurse asked as she helped get Maya’s IV pole back in place.

“No,” Maya said, shaking her head.

“Alright,” the nurse said, “Are you ready to try more fluids?”

“Do I have to?” Maya groaned.

“You do,” the nurse said, “I’ll bring some in a minute. Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t,” Maya said, looking at Carina.

“No,” Carina said, shaking her head, the nurse leaving as the Italian made sure she had everything she needed on the table that she wanted for when Maya was sleeping before climbing into bed next to her wife.

“How is your stomach feeling?” Carina asked, brushing a piece of hair off Maya’s face.

“Fine right now,” Maya said, “I’m not really nauseous which is good, but there is also nothing in my stomach so…”

“Hopefully the meds Meredith prescribed will help,” Carina said, “And just like yesterday, if it doesn’t go well, that is ok. Whatever your body does is just fine so if you get sick again, don’t worry about it, ok? Nothing that happens is wrong.”

“I know,” Maya said, “But I am really tired of throwing up every time I try to drink. I just want that to stop.”

“I know, Bambina,” Carina said, kissing her forehead, “And hopefully it will.”

Just then, Carina’s phone dinged, a message from Andy asking what she wanted for dinner and if they needed anything else from their apartment.

“Bambina, do you need anything from home?” Carina asked as she got ready to text Andy back, “Andy is bringing dinner tonight and offered to stop by the apartment and get whatever we need.”

“I need more wearable clothes,” Maya said, “Unless I have more shorts in those bags.”

“I will ask her for those and more shirts,” Carina nodded, “Do you want any more blankets or anything?”

“Maybe the grey one with the stripes?” Maya said, knowing both Carina and Andy would know what she was talking about.

Maya had this one blanket that Carina had bought for her during the worst days of her depression that she had wrapped herself in to shut out the world. It had become somewhat of a comfort item for her that she would use when she was having a particularly bad day. She always much preferred to be wrapped in Carina’s arms when she was having a bad day, but her favorite was both her wife and her favorite blanket.

“Si,” Carina nodded, “I should have asked her to bring that to start. I didn’t even think about it.”

“I mean, I haven’t really been using my own blankets,” Maya shrugged, “But am I allowed to stop using these hospital ones and just use my own?”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “Of course. I can have Andy bring a few more too so we have some extras.”

Maya nodded, yawning a little as Carina finished texting Andy. As she was finishing, the nurse walked back in with a cup for Maya.

“Here you go,” the nurse said, setting the cup down, “Drink as much as you can, ok?”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, biting her lip as the nurse left.

“Bambina, you are going to be ok,” Carina said, stroking her wife’s hair as she watched the anxiety roll over her, “I’m right here. I have a basin if you need it, and remember, nothing you do here is wrong. Are you ready to try?”

“Yeah,” Maya said, nodding as Carina picked up the cup, Maya putting the straw between her lips.

Maya took a deep breath before taking a small sip of the drink.

“Good,” Carina smiled as Maya took another sip.

Once Maya finished, Carina looked at the cup.

“Bambina, that was excellent,” Carina praised, “That was almost 35 mL. How are you feeling?”

“Ok right now,” Maya said, taking another deep breath, “Maybe I could do a little more?”

“Of course,” Carina nodded, “You can have as much as you want.”

Maya drank a little more before deciding she was done.

“Bambina, I am very proud of you,” Carina said as she set the drink down, “That is the most you have drank since you woke up.”

“Hopefully it stays down,” Maya said, rubbing her eyes.

“Are you ready to sleep?” Carina asked, seeing how tired she is.

“Not yet,” Maya said, “Can we work on the puzzle a little more? I want to make sure my stomach is settled before I try to sleep.”

“Si,” Carina nods, grabbing the table with the puzzles on it, “Is your stomach still feeling ok?”

“Yeah,” Maya said, nodding, “I am ok. It feels a little weird but not sick or nauseous or anything.”

“Just tell me if that changes,” Carina said as she sat the bed up a little more so Maya could reach the puzzle.

“Bambina, I think I am going to go down to the cafeteria or outside today if that’s ok with you,” Carina said as they started working on the puzzle.

“Of course it is,” Maya said, “I know it is important for you to get out of this room and spend time away from me. I will be just fine here.”

“I know,” Carina sighed, “And I know I am supposed to, but…”

“It’s hard, I know. I am just so amazing it is hard to be away from me,” Maya said, getting a smile out of Carina, “I am going to be ok. I am getting better. You heard Meredith this morning. Everything is getting better.”

“I know,” Carina said, feeling her lip quiver a little, looking up at the ceiling to keep herself from crying, “Logically, I know that, but I still can’t help but think about him every damn time I leave this room.”

“I know,” Maya said, moving the puzzle away as she put her arm around her wife, “I’m sorry this is still so hard.”

“I will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow,” Carina said, “And hopefully it will help.”

“You are doing amazing,” Maya said, kissing her cheek, “I am so proud of you.”

Carina gave her a watery smile before leaning over, giving her a proper kiss. They could have kept going, but suddenly, Maya pulled away.

“What?” Carina said, seeing the look on her wife’s face, worrying something was wrong.

“I think I need to pee,” Maya said, shifting a little, “Yeah, I definitely do.”

“Hit the call button,” Carina said as she moved to get up, “Bambina, this is huge.”

“It’s weird,” Maya said, shifting again.

“Yes?” the nurse said, coming in.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” Maya said, “I actually think I need to pee.”

“Oh,” the nurse said, “Really? Can you make it to the bathroom?”

“I think so,” Maya said, nodding, “But I need help getting up.”

“Of course,” the nurse nodded, moving quickly to help get Maya to the proper side of the bed, Carina grabbing the IV pole, “Can you walk or do you need the chair?”

“I can walk,” Maya said, rolling herself up to sitting.

“Alright,” the nurse said, “I am going to go get the bathroom set up.”

Maya nodded as Carina helped her start walking across the room.

“Are you ok Bambina?” Carina asked as Maya stopped for a second. “Just a little tired,” Maya said, “But I’m ok. Let’s keep going.”

“Alright,” Carina said as they got to the bathroom, the Italian helping her wife sit down on the toilet, “There is a collection device in the toilet. Just leave it there. The nurse has to document your output. Are you good by yourself or do you want me to stay?”

“I’m good,” Maya said, “I’ll tell you when I’m done.”

“Ok,” Carina nodded, walking out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

About two minutes later, she heard Maya call out to her.

“Hey,” Carina said, smiling as she walked back in, “How did it go?”

“It hurt a little bit,” Maya said as Carina helped her stand up, “But not a lot. It was weird, but this is good right?”

“Bambina, this is the best,” Carina said, beaming, “It means your kidney is working again in a functional way. Probably not as well as it should be, but it is big.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to talk to my wife about my bathroom habits,” Maya said as she washed her hands.

Carina laughed a little as they headed back to the bed slowly. As they were walking, the nurse walked back in.

“Success?” she asked, looking at Maya.

“Yeah,” Maya said, nodding.

“Congratulations, Maya,” the nurse said, going into the bathroom as Carina finished helping Maya back to bed.

Soon enough, the nurse came out of the bathroom, helping Maya get back into bed.

“Did you have any pain with urination?” the nurse asked, checking Maya’s IV bag and vitals.

“A little bit,” Maya said, “But not too much.”

“Are you having any pain now?” the nurse asked.

“No,” Maya said, shaking her head as she yawned.

“Alright,” the nurse said, “Well, I am going to get a sample down to the lab. Let me know if you need anything, ok?”

Maya nodded, feeling herself getting sleepier by the second.

“Bambina, sleep,” Carina said.

“Can you hold me?” Maya asked, fighting her sleepy body.

“Si,” Carina nodded, expertly getting them into their new normal position for sleeping, “Anything else?”

“I love you,” Maya mumbled as her eyes slipped shut.

“I love you too Bambina,” Carina said, stroking her hair as she thought about how lucky she was to have Maya as her wife.