How to Get Your A** Kicked 101

Since I'm in the middle of a jail cell I might as well examine my surroundings, though there isn't much to look at since it's a jail cell. It's pretty small and I'm the only one in here so I don't have to worry about dropping the soap or dominating other people like shanking them with a toothbrush or something. There is a bench next to me with a pillow on it so I suppose that's my bed and behind me there's a bucket so I guess that's my toilet. Besides that there isn't anything here except spider webs and dirt as this place is freaking filthy. Also, there aren't any windows but instead lanterns in the hallway providing light, so if I had to guess—I'm underground. I sit on the bench zoning out till I hear the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. I look out of my cell and see a girl in white robes decorated with blue snowflakes. She has white hair in a bun with blue eyes. Her eyes look lifeless, it's unnerving. I wait for her to say something but she doesn't say anything; also, she won't blink! She keeps looking at me and a few minutes go by until the awkwardness hurts me on the inside. I break the silence for my sake.

"Ugh so are you the knight that captured me? You don't look like a guard," I ask.

"....." she responds.

"...." I say in return.

"..."

"...."

"....."

"BLINK MOTHERF*CKER!" I yell at her.

I can't handle this. She is scaring me and I'm starting to think she died standing up. But thank God I start to hear another set of footsteps come down the hallway. It's a guard and he has some cuffs in his hands and a key on his belt.

"Alright foreigner today's your lucky day. The hero has called for your release and is about to meet with the lords. I'm gonna take you to him," he tells me.

Hooray, Will has saved me from this torment. I just hope he's not going to tease me about getting imprisoned in the future.

"Hey, before you take me, who's the girl?" I inquire.

"She's the knight who froze your stupid ass. She's going to help me escort you to the chamber of the lords. Gotta make sure you won't try to escape," he explains.

The guard opens the gate and puts the cuffs on my hands. They aren't normal handcuffs either. They cover up my hands so now I got gray metal nubs. We start walking down the hallway and eventually we go up some stairs into a grand hallway. This place is really nice. It looks like a five star hotel with some huge windows that let me see a very pretty garden and the walls are pristine white decorated with elaborate banners of all colors. We walk through the hallway into what I guess is the chamber of the lords but it reminds me of where the U.S. Supreme Court holds their hearings more than anything else.. There are chairs in front of a high bench with 7 seats with a huge walkway in between them. In the front row I see two people already in their seats. As we walk closer I see hair that I can recognize from any angle. It's my boy Will and a girl with red hair and pointy ears. They turn round to me.

"Oh hey Quincy," Will greets.

"Oh hey Will."

The guard escorts me next to where Will is while the girl sits on my other side. The guard leaves the room. The knight goes into the back corner of the room and continues to not blink. Wait, maybe she blinked on the way here. I didn't look behind me the whole time. But I shouldn't focus on that, I should focus on my only friend in this world besides Luther. I miss you Luther. Yet you also left me so I hate you.

"So, prison, huh?" Will says with a coy smile.

Whelp, all my excitement in seeing Will again has left me. I forgot this man is 85% sarcastic.

"Listen, I have a good explanation. I had to poo," I tell him.

"You went on a rampage through the city cause you had to poo?" Will asks in disbelief.

"Yeah."

"Well did you succeed or did you poo your pants?"

"I succeeded. Crisis averted."

"Good job Quincy. Though you could have just gone into a bush or something," he says in sarcastic praise. God dang it, why didn't I think of that?

"So what have you been up to? Looks like you had fun. You became the hero and got a girlfriend already."

"Oh no no no no no. Only in his wildest dreams. I'm his fellow adventurer. I'm Remi," she informs as she reaches across Will to shake my hand but then awkwardly realizes that my hands are covered.

She was about to pull her hand away till I told her not to.

"No, stop, we're doing this handshake. If you pull back now things will only get more awkward. Grab my nubs," I order.

I put my arms across Will and she shakes one of my covered hands.

"I'm Quincy, nice to meet you" I tell her.

We stop shaking and go back to our original positions.

"I think that was still awkward," she notes.

"Yeah it was. Will ruined it by being here making the handshake extra awkward," I say jokingly.

"Yeah, why do you gotta ruin it?" she teases.

"Hey I didn't do anything" Will responds.

"Wow, you should at least take responsibility for ruining the greeting. That's what a real man would do," she says.

"It's ok we'll do a regular handshake later when Will isn't here to ruin it," I say.

I look at Will and he looks dumbfounded until his face realizes we were joking and he sighs. I think I made a friend in Remi. I know I just met her but we annoyed Will together so now we're friends in my eyes. I decide to change the subject.

"Hey, Will. What the heck are we doing here?" I ask.

"Apparently we're supposed to meet up with the lords who run the empire but I have no idea what's taking them so long," he answers.

"Yeah I heard the lords are infamous for being late to things," Remi chimes in.

After she said that a guard with a horn walks in. He blows on it and announces,

"The lords of the great Westphalian Empire are to arrive. All be seated. ''

We look around andwe're the only ones here so I guess this is a formality that the guard has to do no matter what. Actually the lack of people here is surprising. You'd think the people would be here to see their hero. People in white robes with weird markings on them saunter in and take their seats on the bench. The guard then walks in front of us.

"Introducing from left to right Lord Creon of Ayana, Lord Alkis of Zefren, Lord Alderman of Atrad, Lordess Jana of Albium, Lord Tristam of Oclana, Lord Borin of Dreden and Lord Bobbie of Astus. All hail the glorious-"

"Alright enough already! They got the gist of it. I'd like to get this started before I die of old age," says who I suppose is Creon.

He's an old man with a shaved head and brown eyes.

"Oh Creon, I wish you wouldn't ruin the formalities. They are quite fun," says Alkis with a creepy smile on his face.

He's quite old too with short white hair and glasses.

"Well I for one want to get this waste of time over with. Look at us. Doing stupid rituals when we have real issues to deal with. We have the peasant rebellion in my state, an economic recession, and monsters are attacking throughout the empire. We should be allocating more knights to my state yet here we are doing one nonsensical thing after the other. We're lucky the emperor is away on business so he doesn't see such nonsense, " Creon rants.

"B-but the prophecy. You k-know that the d-d-demon wave could be coming soon," says the lord at the opposite end of Creon. I think his name was Bobbie?

That's the least imposing name I ever heard. He's also young; looking about my age with his youthful blue eyes and pale skin.

"That prophecy is a bunch of bullshit, boy--and you know it," Creon retorts.

"Creon that boy is your equal, remember that," interjects, who I think is Tristam.

He is also old but has blond hair and a pointy nose.

"How about we actually get started Creon since you are so eager?" says Jana.

I'm surprised there are any female lords. Though I suppose saying the council of the lords plus one lordess doesn't roll off the tongue. She has long gray hair and glasses that remind me of a grandma.

"You, boy! Stand up. You are supposed to be the hero right?" Creon orders Will.

Will looks scared being yelled at out of nowhere. He stands up immediately.

"Y-yes sir I am," Will responds, trying to sound respectful.

"I doubt it. Look at him, he's so skinny. Vienna is probably playing a joke on us. Boy, you really think you can become the emperor and save this empire? Be honest," Creon demands.

"Ugh, I am not really sure. I didn't know that's what the prophecy involved. I was simply told I'm the hero and was given this ring," Will reveals, pulling a weird looking ring out of his pocket and raises it into the air.

"By Vienna, he's the real deal. This was foretold in the prophecy," says Borin who hasn't said anything since he entered the room.

He's another old guy but his hair is black, keeping a somewhat youtful appearance despite his age. The only one yet to speak is Lord Alderman. A white veil covers his face and he's as still as a mannequin.

"That means nothing. It could be a fake. Does this boy look like a warrior to you all?" Creon asks.

"I can attest that he can fight. In fact, Lord Borin, he has helped me destroy the monster you have put a bounty on. It was a death mantis and without his help I would not have succeeded. He has also registered with Dragon's Descent," Remi states.

"Is that so? Destroying a death mantis is no small feat. I'll be sure you get your payment after this meeting. Is that enough evidence for you Creon?" Borin asks.

"No, he could have paid her to say that. I need to see your abilities for myself. Guards take the 'hero' into the garden so he may demonstrate his abilities. We will stay here and watch through the window. Wait a minute, who's the one in chains?" Creon says as he points at me.

Oh no, I was hoping no one would notice me and I would blend into the background.

"Hi, I'm Quincy. I arrived with Will--you know, the hero. I'm his friend," I state.

"You are not part of the prophecy. It only specified that we summoned one hero." says Tristam.

"Yeah, you're right. I came by accident," I concur.

"Nonsense, Vienna wouldn't make such a mistake. You are meant to be here young man," Jana assures me.

That would make me feel better, if Vienna didn't tell me I came here by accident herself. Nice try grandma. I literally have no purpose in this world. That's depressing.

"It doesn't matter. Test him as well. He may prove useful," Creon orders the guards.

The guard who escorted me enters the room again and frees me from my shackles. Huzzah, I have hands again. The guards then escort Will, Remi, and I into the royal garden which I think is about the size of a football field. They set up a target at the far end of it and in the garden there is this huge burly guy with fingerless gloves, a fur vest with no shirt underneath and huge brown beard. Kinda reminds me of my former high school English teacher. I miss you Mr. McBride.

"Armstrong? What are you doing here?" Remi questions.

"A few minutes ago a guard came running into the guild asking me to test the hero. I gotta be honest, I'm curious to see what he can do. Oh and I guess test the former prisoner here."

He points at the target.

"Alright, hero, I want you to try a wind bullet on the target."

"Well, this shouldn't be hard. I did it yesterday," Will says as he points his finger at the target.

I have no idea what's happening right now. I think Will has become delusional because the last time I checked finger guns don't work. But the next thing I know I see a gust of wind shoot out of Will's finger and hits the target. It wasn't a bullseye but it was pretty close.

"Will! How'd you do that?!" I say excitedly.

I'm gonna be honest--that was really cool.

"It's kinda hard to explain. You gotta feel it," Will tells me.

"Ok kid now it's your turn. Try to shoot a wind bullet," Armstrong instructs.

I make a finger gun and try to feel it or whatever--annnnnnd nothing happens. Everyone looks at me awkwardly. I close my eyes really trying to feel something--and yeah, nothing happened, again. Looks like I have magical erectile dysfunction. I knew this place had magic because of Luther but I don't know how it works.

"Wow, I am not detecting a single ounce of magic from him. Remi, do you feel anything?" Armstrong asks.

"I'm sorry but I don't. This is strange, literally all creatures have some hint of magic in them," Remi says.

Great, now I feel bad even though I'm sure I'm trying this right.

"Hold on, I want to try something. Kid, come up to me," Armstrong tells me.

I slowly walk up to him and the next thing I know I'm flying towards the other end of the garden and smack a tree. F*ck, my head feels like it got hit by a truck. I lay on the ground for what feels like forever but I think only a few seconds have passed. I slap myself in the face to correct my vision and sweet Jesus I can see without my glasses. It's hard to be happy because I'm pretty sure blood is rolling down my head. I look across the garden and see Will attempt to fire a wind bullet at Armstrong when out of nowhere Marianne appears and squeezed Will's wrist. He yelps in pain from her grip.

"Sorry hero, but you can't interfere," she declares with a hint of regret.

Remi stands there looking shocked but isn't interfering either.

"Armstrong, you could have killed him!" she reproaches.

"Yeah, that's true, but I had a feeling about him and you know how my hunch is never wrong. He was either going to release his aura or would have died from that blow and as you can see for yourself it worked."

I have no idea what he's talking about but I look at my body and see this black aura around it. Wait, was this the blackness Luther was referring to before? Was this stuff around me before I was about to fight those guys from before? It doesn't matter, because right now I'm about to kick this guy's ass.

"Sorry about that kid but I want you to try to use a wind bullet now," Armstrong says.

I ignore that and charge towards him. For some reason, I can move really fast now like I'm an olympic runner. Next thing I know, I'm right in front of the guy and perform a straight punch right into his stomach. My punch looks like it had weight to it as when I hit him in the stomach I can see the blow had a shockwave like effect. But this guy's abs feel like steel and now the knuckles on my right hand are bleeding while he laughs.

"HA! I LIKE THIS KID. He's a monk like me, I can already tell. If that's how you want to test yourself then fine by me" he says as I start to see a red aura envelop him.

He throws a punch at me but I put my arms up to cover my chest and I skid backwards. Those boxing classes really did come in handy but now my arms are in a lot of pain. I start running towards him again but he grabs my neck and picks me up. He was about to give me a blow to the face but I hit him in the head first with a kick. His skull also feels like it's made of steel. He smirks as he proceeds to give me a blow to the face and throws me. JESUS IS THIS WHAT FIGHTING IS LIKE? I DON'T LIKE IT, IT HURTS. But I can't give up because the more he hits me the more pissed off I get. The adrenaline is now running through my veins so I get up and wipe the blood away from my face. I pick up a nearby rock and chuck it at him. This power really did improve my strength because it's flying towards him like a bullet.

"Really kid? After all that you throw a rock at me?" he questions as he grabs the rock and crushes it.

HA HE FELL FOR IT. I flank him on the right side and jump up to give him a punch right into his cheek. It didn't hurt as much this time but it still hurt like a motherf*cker. He turns and kicks me in the stomach, making me fly into a nearby column. My insides feel like scrambled eggs and things are starting to turn black. I stand and slowly approach him, limping along the way. I could barely hear him say

"HA, WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT--I THINK HE LOOSENED A TOOTH! I REALLY LIKE THIS KID" he says jovially.

I collapse to the ground. Great, this is the second time I got knocked out within two days and I've decided that I hate this world. I close my eyes and pass out.