Chapter 3

Near Ozyorsk, Chelyabinsk Oblast, Russia, Irina's home - 14:02 - Present

Marina never found out the truth about that time, she didn't want to help my father in the first place. She really wanted to go to the dance, but I couldn't, because of Joss.

Ozero Irtyash, Chelyabinsk Oblast, Lake Russia 17:23 - Past

There were several free boats, he paid for one to go into the lake, it was a very relaxing place.

The moment I got on, I almost fell, my balance was not good and it was not the first time I got on a boat. I always went fishing with my father.

After a ride into the lake, he started taking art stuff out of him, why would you bring high school utensils to a date?

What's up? What are you looking at so much?

—Why are you bringing art supplies to a date?

—Date? I invited you here to help me with the art work, did you think it was a date?

I moved my eyes nervously, I felt sad.

Near Ozyorsk, Chelyabinsk Oblast, Russia, Irina's home - 14:13 - Present

I had been talking to Joss for seven months, I had fallen in love without doing anything, from the first time I saw him he caught my attention, although it was not as I expected.

Even after I told him that I liked him, he became even colder. I still remember him, I expressed all my love to him that autumn afternoon, I bought him a Spartak Moscow shirt, it was his favorite club and I waited for him in the courtyard of the high school, when I told him that I liked him for two months, that I really I couldn't live without him. He didn't say anything, he just took the shirt and said thank you, then he said goodbye and left. Over time I began to give him things, because I began to help my father with the gardening.

I gave him everything he wanted, at least what I could buy with my salary, in fact I spent 70% on him, I didn't mind buying things for myself. I didn't know if I was obsessed with him, but I didn't care how he treated me, he never showed me any affection, he never told me he loved me, he never let me hug him. He never really did anything for me.

But I, I was always there with him, I never hesitated to help him with anything, I treated him as if he were my boyfriend, but he never treated me as someone important, he even treated his friends better.

He was always so cold, so distant, it was just his way. Even when my mother died, he was so rude and that was the last time I spoke to him.

After what happened, I saw him at the dance, with a student he had met right there. She kissed him in front of my eyes, she did nothing but talk to him and she was able to touch his lips and I did everything for him, he never let me do it.

Not even that time I let him fuck me, we did it in all positions where we couldn't look at each other, he even went to shower and told me to leave.

She forced me to give him oral sex, I don't know if he would stop when she told him it hurt, but I was still there with him, because I really wanted him or because of my damn obsession.

That day of the dance, when I met Marina, I had not eaten for 3 days, I hoped that he would forgive me, that he would tell me that I was wrong and I waited for him until I found Marina, only by chance I found her.

At that moment I was looking for Joss, thinking that he had stayed to talk to me, but he didn't stay, he left that time I told him everything to his face, that day in the Produkty parking lot.

Novaya Techa, Chelyabinsk Oblast, Russia - 18:34 - Past

He had run out of the house, my mother had passed away. When my father called me on the phone, I didn't know where to go, I ran to the Produkty, Joss worked there. I needed a hug, I needed him, I wanted to tell him to comfort me, to tell me that everything was going to happen, but when I got to his side. Everything was the same as always, a cold man, green eyes that didn't look at me.

—Why are you crying?

I didn't say anything to him, I rushed towards him, I squeezed him hard, I wanted him to do the same, but he pulled me out, pushed me back.

—What's wrong with you? I already told you that I don't like being hugged.

I looked him straight in the eyes, my mouth was wobbling and I couldn't stop crying.

—Why are you like this?

—As well as?

—So cold, I have given you everything, you have always been on top of me, you are my top priority and you have never said anything to me.

—I've been telling you for months that I don't believe in love and I don't want anything related to that shit, don't you understand that?

—You're bad, you're a bad person, I gave you everything to change that stupid idea of yours and you come out with the same thing!

—Shut up, my boss is here! He—he took my wrists hard, both hands.

—Let go of me! You're worthless, you're just a shitty bitch with no feelings!

—I told you a thousand times that I didn't believe in love!

—Then why didn't you tell me to go away!? Why do you keep letting me do everything for you!?

He didn't say anything, he just stared at me, with the same face as always, a serious and empty expression.

—I love you, but I can't go on with someone who doesn't love me at all, who hasn't even said anything to me, even use after having declared myself and explained all my feelings.

He released my wrists, still saying nothing.

—It will be the same as always, you won't say anything, just like every time we were together, you never said anything, not even when you had me naked and I told you to make love.

After those last words I said to him, I ran home, I didn't want him to keep seeing me cry, I thought he would come, that he would run to me.

He knew the place where he lived, I thought he would come, but he didn't. I stayed up crying all night, because of my mother's death and because of Joss. It didn't hurt him that I was leaving, however I, for me the world was leaving. A world that was never mine.

Near Ozyorsk, Chelyabinsk Oblast, Russia, Irina's home - 13:00 - Present

—Do you have to do any work today, Irina?

—I must make a guide to literature and read The Sorrows of Young Werther.

—Oh, I thought you had nothing.

—I can still help you, father.

—No, the most important thing here is you and your education, I'll be late today. Have lunch, I don't want you to wait for me until late.

—But I don't like that you eat alone, father, that's why I always wait for you.

Mr. Kim as the others called him or rather, my father. He caressed my hair, the daughter that carried his eyes, was the only thing he had in the world. That's why he wanted to accompany him whenever he had the time to do so.

Today I had arrived late to school because the night before I had stayed up late waiting for him with the dishes on the table ready to serve.

He told me that he found me sleeping at the same table, took me in his arms and took me to bed. From time to time I felt him come to my room at night, if I was uncovered, he would tuck me in, if the window was open and the cold came in, my father would close it.

He was my hero, my hero who missed his wife, he hugged me and said goodbye.

Goodbye father, he's coming home later.

3:40 p.m.

After having bathed, I organized my room, I had a table full of papers, notes and progress.

Also a trunk with my books, that is, only the ones I didn't read, the rest were in my library. While looking for The Sorrows of Young Werther. I found my old diary, I had kept it three years ago. She had days with Joss, every day she went out with him, every moment she noticed his face change. On the last sheet were the expressions he displayed. I could only see him smile once and that was when I fell out of the boat, that time he took me to do his homework.

I didn't know how to swim, but he rescued me, I'm sure it was because without me he would get a bad grade in arts. He kept going through the sheets and I found something I didn't remember. It was a letter, a letter to me. It had my name in black ink and a Moscow sticker. I thought about where it had come from, but I didn't remember that he had given it to me, my memory wasn't that bad, at least I didn't think so, I opened it and began to read it, to see if I was trying to remember something.

"03/03/2013

I'm sorry about your mother, I'm really sorry, I didn't know what happened, I went to your house yesterday, I didn't find you, there was only Kim. I understand how you feel, I lost both of my parents two months before I met you.

They died in a crash near Moscow, they were both arguing when they died, I was talking to my mother, she heard her arguing with my father. She didn't hang up the phone and when they collided I felt everything through the phone. I heard the cries of both of them, at a huge distance, I couldn't help them, I didn't know where they were exactly, that's why when I called the ambulance I only told them that it could have been near the road,

I didn't believe in love, Irina, because because of that same love, my parents died. A love for her son, they did not want to separate for me, because they loved me, because they knew that if they did I would be wrong, but they should have done it, they should have divorced. I never deserved you Irina, I will never deserve you.

I didn't want to fall in love with anyone, not even the person who did everything for me. I did everything to get you out of my life and you always came back, you came back as if he were the best man you'd ever known, as if he was someone who had given you everything.

And I never gave you anything, I only hurt you, I only made you suffer, I know you were crying, maybe not close to me, but those eyes had something that mine had. Crying filled them, a look that slowly faded over time. And even so, you were always there. I won't tell you that I'll be the best for you, because I don't think I'll ever match you, but, if there's still something of me in your heart. Come to where we feed the fish for the first time, I'll be waiting for you at 18:00 in the afternoon."

The room was empty, silent, and I could feel the screams of my heart. There was something at that moment, something that told me that everything would have been different, if I had seen that letter before. How is it supposed to get here? At what point? I looked at it again, it was so new, as if I had written it today, as if I I was still waiting.

What if she was still waiting for me and if she was still there, throwing stones without me?

If the reflection of the lake reflected a lonely man, a man waiting for his girl. I had never felt him express this, feelings.

But, was it really love? Maybe I was obsessed with him, I still had that doubt in me, even though three years have passed and the only person I've wanted in my life is him. Even after everything that happened at the end and if everything bad was because of the death of his parents. I couldn't carry that weight on my back, knowing that my parents died because of me.

Joss, where are you love? Come home, come hug me, get me out of this confusion; come Joss, hug me, even if you don't feel anything, kiss me; Even if it's just a void. Come Joss, tell me you love me, even if it's only a lie. Come my love, tell me that we will be eternal, even when we are going to die.