Chapter 1

Nyazepetrovsk, Chelyabinsk Oblast, Russia – 4:10

—Marina, Marina! It's time to get up.

—Hey…?

—Open those eyes, daughter, it's time to get up, I've left your clothes on the chair, what do you want to eat for breakfast?

I couldn't believe that the night sometimes went by so fast, it's like a blink, a blink that made me more sleepy than I had before sleeping. Still, he couldn't do anything against time.

—I'm not really hungry, mom.

—Are you sure? You're losing more weight than I'd like, Marina, but I can't force you to eat. I'll wait for you in the car, don't take as long as you do every day, please.

She left and I had to get up, at least today classes would come back after the break we had, the snow is sometimes very complicated in Russia, I've always wondered what it's like out there, there are countries where most of the time it is sunny.

I rubbed my eyes to get a little sleepy, I would probably have a dead face, I was very sleepy. I was uncoordinated putting on each item of clothing, well, just the socks, first I had to go wash my face.

I took the slippers that I had under my bed and went in the direction of the bathroom, I couldn't take a bath, I didn't need it either, I had done it yesterday and let's be honest; I also didn't have a boyfriend to do it on a daily basis, no one was going to sniff me, although I wish someone would, oh my! My comments were so weird sometimes.

Most of my delay every morning was to look in front of the mirror, although it depended on my self-esteem how I found myself, I had freckles, not a few, but not excessively. My skin was white, you could really tell that the sun rarely came out, was my hair like a mushroom? My classmates used to say something like that.

Although the color was pretty, light brown, it shone from time to time, maybe my mom was right, she was losing weight, although I think it was fine for my height.

I was 5'2" and 120 pounds, while my breasts were still underdeveloped, well, just a little.

I'm not sure if small breasts attract the attention of boys my age, and mine will be cute? My nipples are pink, I like them, although I don't think my opinion counts. I have a thousand and one doubts, I had always compared myself to the girls in magazines, television programs or the models that I also saw on occasion, I knew I didn't have to; however he always ended up doing it.

I kept looking at myself in the mirror, I really wasn't happy with my body. Even my eyebrows, they were very marked, they were not thin, most of the time I tried to hide them with my bangs. I think today will be a long day, it has not started well.

I wet my face, I had things to put on makeup, although I didn't use them, the truth is that it didn't attract my attention.

I took out the comb to take it on the way, we lived very far from my school, almost two hours to get to that place, I could go brushing on the way.

I brushed my teeth, relieved myself and left the bathroom, it was time to put on my clothes, I undressed quickly and put on my uniform, a white shirt, skirt, as well as pantyhose. Today it would be cold like most of winter.

—Marina!

Mom called, I had to hurry, it was going to be 5:00 in the morning. I took my notebooks and put them in my backpack, I think I didn't have a pencil, it didn't matter, Irina would lend me one. I also kept an ushanka in my backpack, it would take care of the cold on my head. I left the house, the wind raised the dust combined with snow, the street was made of dirt and whenever it snowed it made a strange mixture.

Mom was waiting outside the car.

—Take daughter.

—What is this?

—Chocolat.

—Oh thanks, I'll save it to eat with Irina.

Mom had always wanted to give me everything, even when she didn't tell her, after Dad died, she forced herself to find a way to support the family and she found that job using the car. She made orders, she took people, she worked all day, except when she had to pick me up and drop me off at school, those were her sacred hours. She loved me, even more than she could understand, even though we already knew who her favorite was.

—Hello, Marina, is everything okay down there?

I made an expression of annoyance.

—You know, Pavel, after you make that joke fifty times a week, the fun is gone.

—You keep bothering yourself, that means it's still working, you're a grump, that's why you don't have a boyfriend.

—I don't need anyone, I can do everything myself, without the help of a man, stupid Mr. Giraffe!

I heard mom let out a little laugh.

We all got in the car, I was in the back, mom was next to stupid Pavel. He was annoying, conceited, even if he worked, at least he did something good at home.

However, I will never forgive him for fucking Yelena in my bed, please, was it really necessary to have done it in my bed? He had his, it wasn't my fault that it was a little further away.

I still remember that moment, mom wasn't home and Yelena could be heard screaming from the front door, oh my god, that bitch was crazy! Not even when they saw me did they stop doing it. It disgusted me to remember it, but anyway, there was a long way to go, we were still in Niazepetrovsk, the place where I lived, the distance to Ozyorsk was more than 100 kilometers, that's why I had to get up so early.

The landscape was full of snow, everything seemed more melancholic than usual, a little misty as well. I curled up in the seat, I had a blanket, maybe I should sleep a little more.

Mom used to talk to Pavel, they used to chat often, she always said that he was a reflection of dad.

And me?, I didn't look like them, where are my colored eyes?, my blond hair?, where is my height over 1.65? If they had told me that she was adopted, I would have believed it, but it doesn't matter, without all that, I'm still Marina, the independent and unwavering Marina.

Although it wasn't always like that, there was a time when I really wanted to have someone, I believed that love was something necessary, I wanted to receive affection from someone who wasn't my family and who wasn't a friend either. Time went by, I turned 15, I didn't attract anyone's attention, I turned 16, everything was the same, I always showed myself normal in front of people, in front of my friends. I felt alone, although I did not show it, I was closing my feelings because what I did find were people who played with me. I was a gullible girl, a fool, I trusted so many people who deserved nothing more than a few kicks in the balls.

Until I get to what I am now, loneliness led me to close my heart, I could do everything without anyone's help, I think I don't need anyone to achieve my goals and I don't think I'll change my mind. Even if someone came, I would think he was lying to me, do you like me, I wouldn't believe him, do you think I'm cute, surely you're blind. Do you think about hugging me? Don't even think about it, someone will get hurt and it won't be me.

I've really been alone for a long time, how would it have been if someone had really loved me, if someone had told me it was worth it. Today I woke up more melancholic than usual, sometimes I feel insufficient for everything, although other times it is the opposite. I would like to receive a hug from dad, it's been more than five years since he left, they hid it from me for so long. Even after they explained to me that he had died, I kept believing that he would walk through the door, the feeling of having him at home would not go away, of having him in those places where he was always. I really miss you dad, sometimes I have seen you in dreams, but they last so little.

Mom probably thought she was sleeping, she hadn't moved for a while and with her eyes closed. Irina will like the chocolate that mom gave me, we always shared things with each other, we were very close, the first friend she had ever made. She has always been with me, she even put me on several occasions about the guys who loved her, from her I learned not to depend on anyone and I understood more about love, although I only understood that it was shit.

She has cried so many times in my arms, as I have cried in hers, I hope we will never be apart, even after finishing our degree, we were seniors. I'm going to end up not having seriously dated someone or telling me what I wanted most in the world, even though I think love isn't worth it, I like to see stories like that.

Of romance, of love and happiness, maybe deep down, deep inside, maybe I still want someone to love me, to tell me that they can't live without me. But if it didn't happen in all these years, why would it have to happen just this, damn life, I don't feel like anything. I also remember when I kissed Irina, well, we put our lips together, I don't remember the context very well, but I do remember that we laughed like two stupid girls, her lips are thick, bitable, her body is also sexy. I would like to be a man to fuck Irina. She was laughing in my head, was it really normal to want to fuck her best friend? I'll tell her to see what she tells me.

The car slowed down, I opened my eyes to see what was happening, Pavel was getting out, why?

—What happened to Pavel?

He —forgot the papers that he had to take to Moscow.

I lowered the glass window and leaned out with my body, he was saying goodbye to mom.

—That happens to you for an idiot!, imbecile!

He gave me the middle finger.

—Ehhhh...!, I can do it too.

I raised my finger while he did too.

—Walk faster, idiot, before your ass freezes!

—Marina!

—What? He did it first.

—And?, do not copy the bad things.

—But mom, it's nothing, he's done worse things.

He looked at me doubtfully.

—What are you talking about?

I couldn't tell him that he had fucked in my bed, I would probably force him to buy me a new one.

—Well, that time he left gum in my hair.

That was the reason why he had cut my hair, it was long, but because of his no longer guilty. She just kept quiet and continued walking. Since Pavel was not there, it occurred to me to go to the front seat.

—What are you doing Marina?

—Excuse me, I passed between the seats.

I stood in front, next to her.

—Be more careful, daughter, we already have enough with the slippery streets.

I liked to go in front, I could see a better panoramic view of the landscape, I hadn't done it for a long time. Mom started talking, like I said, she always talked to Pavel, she had the radio on, but very low.

—Have you heard of smartphones, daughter?

—Yes, at school there are several people who have one.

—Yesterday when I went to the Rostovs' house, their son was reading in one, our situation is not the best for buying all the books you want, however perhaps it would be better if you read there.

—But they are very expensive, aren't they?

—It would only be a payment and what Nikita told me, the values of the digital books, were much cheaper.

Maybe it would be a good idea, although I still thought that spending so much for me was not a good thing, I didn't like that they spent on me.

—I really don't know, it's a lot of money, I'd prefer more chocolate. I smiled cheerfully.

Mom kept bringing up topics to talk about.

—And love? How's love going?

—Love sucks, mom.

—So you still continue with that idea, you are a clear example that love exists, you are the creation of my love with your father. He was very jealous of you, I doubt he would have liked you to have a boyfriend, however, I am sure he would have liked to see you happy with someone you love.

—I don't think it's necessary to be with someone, people leave, people are cruel, I don't want to suffer again, mom.

—You can't live in fear, Marina, what will you do when a person arrives who really loves you?, who gives you all his feelings and for him only you exist, what will you do?, will you tell him that you don't believe in love waiting for you? that everything is solved?

—Well, yeah, it's not my fault someone falls in love with me.

She slowly stopped the speed of the car, I think he had never had a conversation at this level with her, he really cared about this.

—Think, Marina, how would you feel if you fell madly in love with someone and that person ignored everything you feel?

—I would feel sad and I would think that I am a fool, for being in love with a person who does not show interest in me.

She nodded her head.

—You will find people who will really have nice feelings towards you, daughter; don't waste the people who will really love you.

—But how am I to know who that person is?

—You will simply notice it, you will see how there are people who will really share their time with you, who will stay even when you prove the opposite, however remember; No matter how much someone loves you, no one is going to stay in a place where they see that they don't pay attention.

—I still don't understand why you're telling me all this.

—Life is short, Marina, and reciprocated love is one of the pleasures in it. I know I won't make you change your mind for a late-night talk, but take a good look at who loves you for a while and who loves you for who you are.

I looked into her eyes, she was really interested in telling me all this, I felt confused, more than she had been today.

—Thanks Mom.

Lyceum №39, Ozyorsk, Chelyabinsk region, Russia - 7:14

—Marina, wake up.

—Are we there yet?

I had a power to fall asleep out of nowhere. Mom got out of the car and I did the same, she gave me money in case I wanted to buy something, it was my turn tomorrow, from 8:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.

—I'll come back for you at the same time as always, please don't take long to leave.

—Sure, have a nice day.

She got in the car and I watched as she left, a part of me was always afraid that something would happen to her in that car, with the streets full of snow and water. I was trying not to think about it. Good luck mom, I'll be waiting for you.