chapter 29.1. Lullaby of Woe

[chapter 29.1. Lullaby of Woe]

[part 1]

Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and attempts, self-harm, abuse, flashback, the notion of pedophilia, non-consensual sexual acts, blood, graphic violence

Listen to the song Lullaby of Woe - by Ashely Serena while reading the chapter

"Kill."

Selena stared at herself in the cracked mirror. The reflection before her was hazy, distorted by the dark shadows lurking around her eyes. She gripped the basin with white-knuckled fingers, her body trembling with an uncontrolled craving.

"Kill," the voice whispered in her head, a seductive purr that sent shivers down her spine. "You need blood on your hands. It's been days, Selena. You can't deny yourself forever."

She took a deep breath, trying to control the surge of emotions rippling inside her. She knew what she was capable of, the power she held in her hands. The voice in her mind reminded her of the rush she felt, the sweet and sickly smell of blood that made her feel alive.

"Don't lie to yourself, Selena," the voice taunted. "You're no good girl. You've taken countless lives. What's a few more?"

Her glare amplified, lips curling into a snarl. "Shut up," she hissed through gritted teeth.

The voice only laughed, a mocking cackle that echoed through her mind. She felt dizzy, her thoughts obscured by the insistent hum. The craving grew stronger- an unquenchable thirst that could only be sated with blood.

But Selena knew the consequences, the guilt, and the shame that would follow. She could not bear the thought of adding more names to the list of those she had killed.

"Take a hold of yourself," she reminded herself, staring fiercely into her reflection. "You're stronger than this."

With a final, defiant glare, Selena turned away from the mirror- she could not look anymore. She knew the voice would always be there, lurking in the back of her mind.

But only when she was alone- truly alone could she be honest with herself about the monster she kept locked away.

The white basin quivered under the force of her grip, the porcelain cracking with a sharp pop. Her breaths came in ragged gasps, deep from her lungs as if each inhale took more than it gave.

One hand clutching her chest, the other bracing herself against the basin, she tried to ride out the wave of pain washing over her. But the pain was all she could feel. It throbbed in her chest, a constant reminder of the torment she endured daily.

The physical pain was nothing compared to the voices that tore her inside out. She would have preferred to bear a thousand cuts on her body, rubbed with salt and alcohol than endure the endless torture of her mind.

A pitiful whimper escaped her lips as she looked at herself in the mirror. The sight of her reflection only fueled her self-loathing, the voice in her head taunting her with every flaw, every mistake.

The pain was the only escape, the only way to silence the voices.

For her, pain is a curious and complex thing. It has the power to both destroy and heal; to cripple and strengthen. For some, pain is a way to escape reality, a refuge from a world that feels overwhelming and unbearable.

It's a way to silence the voices that tell us we're not good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough.

With slow, sluggish steps, she walked to the bathtub filled with icy water. Without bothering to undress, she lowered herself into the frigid water, feeling the cold seep into her bones.

The shock of the cold water took her breath away, but it was a welcome distraction from the pain in her chest. She submerged herself in the water, muffling the sound of her sobs.

She stayed there until her lungs burned and the voices in her head were drowned by the roar of her heartbeat.

Her clothes clung to her skin as she released her grip on the tub, sinking deeper into the icy water. As her head went under, bubbles escaped from her nose and mouth, mingling with the water as she struggled to inhale it.

The world became a blur of muted colors and distorted shapes as she fought against the instinct to breathe. Panic seized her as her lungs screamed for air, and she clawed at the water with frantic desperation.

Then she paused.

She closed her eyes, letting herself go.

Please let it end today. I can't take more pain