Prologue - no more thinking about Tom

Walking away from a chapter in your life is a big deal. The people around you will play it down, "it will be okay" they say "everything turns out right in the end" or the worst one "we'll still keep in touch-we'll find a way". These sayings never reassure me, people mean well enough but there words are often empty.

Seeing my ex yesterday has put me in a mood. Tom's dad's car pulled up outside my house and before my mum could embarrass me by opening the door and asking whether Tom is staying for lunch I pretty much flew down the stairs and sat in the passenger seat next to him.

*****

"Tay" Tom says as I sit down in the car, all time low playing on the car stereo. I briefly wonder if he picked the song deliberately before I turn to give him my best don't mess with me expression.

"I thought I would drop off our pictures from the dance, I ordered two copies." he scowls when he notices the uninterested expression I have plastered on my face. He looks straight back through the windshield avoiding my face.

"Right, you thought did you? For once you thought before you just did as you pleased" I am exasperated. I make my move to get out of that car and away from the nostalgic music intruding my ears. And away from his proximity, I can smell his familiar cologne it's making me feel things I need to forget.

He looks at me with regret, his clear eyes searching my expression for any kind of softness that he can exploit.

"This is not appropriate, you cannot just show up Tom. Okay? we're past that now please respect my boundaries." I instruct opting to stay businesslike or I will cry. The prospect of crying is horrifying to me and I want to get this transaction over with.

"I'm not sure why you think I would want these anyway" I say looking at the pictures. I shouldn't have looked, they are beautiful pictures. Tom looks unbelievable in his picture and he is smiling a natural, easy smile hand draped around my waist. I briefly look at myself in the pictures, unable to tear myself away. I remember my navy blue satin dress and how long it took to perfect my eye makeup and wavey brown hair.

"We look great right" he says finally looking away from the damn windscreen and into my eyes. He is so typical he did this deliberately to get to me.

My first instinct is to bolt, I will not crumble and fall right back in that trap again. "We looked great, past tense. I have plans today I should get going" I cover my longing to be back in that picture with him, feeling accepted and special to him.

He stares out of the front windscreen, again. "I didn't mean for things to go like that. You know that right. You said..." he says.

"Well they did" I say back and abruptly let myself out of the car, away from the memories and the feelings I have been so desperate to put behind me.

*****

In less than a month I'll start a new university, riverbank to be precise. It's not a fancy one but it has a massive new dance centre which made me fall for it. I want to be a dancer. Having studied music for the better part of my school life changing tact now was not an option, so to please my parents Im taking music as well. After all, they invested lots of money on tuition fees and extra curricular clubs, it would be a shame to waste it. And besides my grades were good, not exceptional but not below average in order for me to take up more than one subject. The anxiety seizes me when I realise I'm going to have to start a new college with people I don't yet know. And without Tom, I think before I can stop myself. For now I'm just filling up the time, worrying until September begins.

Rhea is one friend who I will be keeping with me however. Rhea has dark curly hair, caramel skin and a petite frame which she hides in jeans that are slightly too big and cool quirky t-shirts that she finds at stores like H&M. I remember Rhea commenting on my loose brunette waves asking me how I got my hair to grow so long back when we were at school. We were putting on cheap makeup in the girls toilets only to have it confiscated from us in our next lesson. She was lining her deep brown eyes with a black eyeliner as I was layering mascara to my piercing blue eyes. We arrived in French after break, our teacher taking one look at our eyes and sending us to the head who had a box of baby wipes for us to wipe it all off with. I smile at the thought of being a college student who will be able to wear and do as she pleases without being made to wipe off makeup and nail varnish like a child.

Dragging me out of my daydream and sour mood I hear a knock at the door. I hope it's not Tom returning again, I answer it all the same. It's Rhea, I smile.

I let her in and we go and talk about stupid Tom. She lets me get it all out and waits until I'm finished.

Tom and I were in the same music class when we were 17. He was a lead guitarist in his own little band. Singing covers of fall out boy and trying to be Pete Wentz. He had a boyish face with longish hair that covered his eyes. He was tan with a good build even though he didn't take sport. Constantly he told me jokes, trying to get close enough to me. He made himself the object of attention in our small music class just to gain a laugh from the girls. I thought he was obnoxious at first but I also marvelled at his confidence. Then one house party we shared our first kiss, I was shocked he chose me. He had many other volunteers wanting to date him. And jealous ex's of whom he had discarded. I remember how he ran his fingers up and down my arm tracing lines after we made out at the end of the garden in the dark. Promising each other all kinds of things. Other girls afterwards found me in the party and drunkenly asked if we had kissed, staking there own claims on him. I should have known really, I think sourly.

After he took me to the college dance in his dads car and requested Aerosmith's "I don't wanna miss a thing" for our last dance I decided enough was enough. We were going to different universities and had our lives ahead of us. I would rather distance and finality than cheating and lies. Tom had cheated on me a few times. Each time he swore he would never ever do it again. And I just kept forgiving him. I was mistaken in giving him my trust. I made a vow not to be any guys back up plan from now on.

Rhea nudges me, "You better not be checking your phone for you know who" she chastises. Rhea was never a fan of Tom and me. She always made it clear. She used to say he will just use me as a conquest, and that he just wants a good lay and that I am better than that. Rhea would not lie to me or sugarcoat anything to me, she's honest and I need that kind of honesty in my life. Part of me always hoped however that Tom and I were different, that what we had was unique.

"He hasn't texted me, or called not even a Snapchat waiting for me, so don't worry" I tell her. Clearly he must be busy, probably with his next conquest. I try to deny how much that hurts. Slashing my hopes of him returning into my life, I really need to get a grip and move on like I had planned.

That said I weigh up my options, text him and not hear back for days, too desperate. Go over and see if he's home, definitely a no I need to stick to our boundaries. My mind travels to the last time he invited me over he had laid out rose petals, the single most cliche thing I have ever had somebody do for me. Pushing his rugged hair back away from his eyes and inviting me in.

We watched silly movies together. I couldn't even tell you what the movies were or their plots because the entire time I was thinking about him laying down next to me. The single most closest I have been to a guy, he snuck glances my way over my body. Taking in my cleavage and my long legs. Occasionally stroking my hair and kissing me when he felt sure enough that I wouldn't withdraw from him.

Half way through the first movie I was battling with myself; when do I say no, how do I draw the line and say no more I'm not willing to give you anymore of me. I lost the battle, Tom won and lucked out. I began thinking silly things like what underwear am I wearing? And hoping that I looked relatively good in whatever bra I had on. However the more I kissed him and touched him my lust grew. And my rational thoughts were long gone. Just like the movie that finished when neither of us were aware of what happened and when it even ended. I quickly realised why he had had a lot of different girls, he had been practicing.

Being the strong minded person I am I know I am doing the right thing by leaving him and keeping that distance between us. So I turn to Rhea "what's the plan? Where are we off to then" I sigh. Rhea beams at me clearly excited and happy with this development.

"So Malachi took me to this skate park a few weeks back, it's just in town. Wanna go?" She says excitedly. Malachi is still a first year in college he's actually one year younger than us but acts older and more mature. He's cool, I am always slightly intimidated by him. He's so relaxed and chill, he always walks around with an easy smile on his face. Everyone talks to him. He isn't part of one group, everybody accepts him. It probably helps his case that he is good looking and well built. The kind of guy that you think would make a good captain, somebody who is on everybody's side.

"Skate park ? That's random. We don't even skate or BMX or anything" I look at her confused.

"Just trust me okay. Everyone buys some cider, I know classy, and gets kinda drunk and just hangs out plus there's hot guys there. You'll like it. I know it's just gonna be right up your street" she laughs.

As I'm starting to question and doubt whether the skate park is a place I wanna chill and laughing at the fact that Rhea thinks this is indeed going to be right up my street I get a notification on my phone and it buzzes.

Anticipating that Tom is the cause of the beep Rhea exclaims "No don't look, please. come and see the hot skater guys with me. You are not allowed to ditch me this way"

She looks in my direction "boundaries remember, if he is getting in contact then how are you ever going to move on" she is pleading.

I take out my phone, curiosity gets the better of me when I see "Tom just posted something new on Facebook" pop up on my notifications. What could he possibly be posting, my blood starts rushing as I wonder what he has posted. He's clearly got time on his hands.

"Okay let me just look 2 secs okay" I tell her.

"You need to get a grip Taylor, don't turn into one of them weird stalker girls. Hey if you have to delete him" she smirks. Huffing she's clearly annoyed at my apparent interest in my phone.

Opening the notification I see a picture of Tom. He is somewhere I don't know. He posted it too Facebook just now, I see the picture and somehow I appreciate even more how good looking he is with his natural light brown hair and blue green eyes. I breathe again, relief at the sight of him. Then my heart thumps when I see another girl poking her head into the picture pouting with full red lips. He's out somewhere enjoying himself with mystery pouty girl, I try to mentally erase seeing the pic as it makes me feel so low and stupid. Why did I have to open this bag of worms right now. Still my eyes rake over the caption before I can pull myself away "just chilling with this one.".

Tom doesn't have a sister. Cousin maybe ? But there is just something about her pose, how close she is too him. Almost as if she has just kissed him. Like they know each other very well. My mind is racing, I feel betrayed. I see a comment on the picture. I can't help myself and I read it.

"Almost 4 months together" she has responded with a whole bunch of love emojis.

4months! I freak out. I secretly stalk her Facebook and check. Yes it's her, Imogen that's her name. I hate her instantly. With her pouty lips and fake blonde hair.

We had been seeing each other then. I had been in love with him then. And I gave myself to him. Guys are just a different species entirely, a species without hearts or the capacity to feel. Or perhaps they are beings that can just switch of their feelings with a click. I chastise myself silly me thinking I was different. Just another notch on the bedpost.

Returning back to earth and to the opportunity in front of me I decide yes I am going to the dumb skate park. I am going to be drinking too many cheap ciders and doing whatever a girl does when she's at a skate park in the middle of summer with hot guys. No work, no studying and definitely no thinking about Tom. Ever again.

"I'm in" I turn back to Rhea. She giggles.

"I don't even wanna know what the notification was do I?" She laughs

I begin to interrupt her but she says 'uh uh no. No negativity here. I'm done talking about fuck boys like...actually no I won't even say his name there. Finished." She looks at me and even though she's making light of this whole thing she gives me a best friend hug. That's the thing about Rhea she understands when things are bad but knowing I'm an emotional wreck that cry's over almost anything she doesn't over do it. She knows how to both acknowledge my feelings but make me feel better about the whole damn thing at the same time.