It felt committed

I want him so completely. I'm guessing he means he will pull out before he orgasms. My body is screaming yes and my heart wants the same. If I'm honest it did feel different without a condom before. I thought I just got carried away but when I realised after I knew that was why.

"Without" I tell him pulling his hips to me.

He stares at me and smiles full of lust. He pushes his hair off of his face and I want him, so bad. Before I can change my mind I kiss him on his lips passionately. And he's inside of me. Just himself. Nothing in the way. He lets out a ragged breath and starts moving inside of me.

He stays on top the whole time. He occasionally moves his hair away from his eyes and I am all consumed by him; his eyes, his tanned arms and his dark hair. I want him all of him. I keep my hands on his hips pulling him into me I don't even want him thrusting to far out of me in case he pulls out from me altogether.

"It feels amazing" I tell him and he smiles at me.

"You feel like fucking heaven" he tells me.

The pleasure builds inside of me. It feels like it means something so different knowing he is inside of me with nothing on. Like we're definitely playing around with a possibility here. It doesn't feel like a mistake. It's completely the most intimate I've ever felt with him.

He opens his eyes, and says "come for me baby."

He holds still and let's me thrust up and into him.

I find my climax all over him. He holds on to his until I'm finished. Once I'm done he then starts thrusting into me again, he pulls out like he said he would when he finishes.

After cleaning up he holds me on the sofa laying behind me, arms around me.

"I can't believe we just did that" he says.

"yeah it was amazing, it felt completely different" I tell him and turn to face him.

"Fuck Taylor, It was unbelievable." He says kissing me.

We lay there for a few minutes getting our breath back and him stroking me.

"Its not 100 percent safe just pulling out."

"I know" I tell him stroking his arms.

"No contraception is though? Right?" I ask him

"Well no there's always things that can happen like condom splits or whatever, but there's more chance of you getting pregnant this way." He says.

"Do you want to look at other contraception methods like the nurse said, or do you wanna keep doing this" he asks me.

We both came back negative for STI's otherwise I wouldn't have entertained the whole no condom idea.

"I don't really wanna be on the pill doesn't it like make you moody and fat" I laugh.

"I don't know I guess we could read the side effects." He says stroking my side again.

"Make sure we pick the non fattening one that makes you happy" he chuckles.

I laugh with him. He makes everything so easy to talk about.

"I like you being inside of me without wearing a condom" I tell him and I can't believe I just said it.

He looks at me for a second. Reading my expression and smiling.

"you're gonna have to elaborate what that means"

He says.

"it was intimate. It felt committed" I tell him and chuckle.

"I am committed anyways with or without a wrapper" he laughs

"I know" I laugh about him calling it a wrapper.

"I'm gonna be honest." He says sighing

"Because it will take you all night to tell me what you want" he laughs and I can't help but agree.

"Of course I'm happy to do as you wish but for me it feels different without one on. Physically for sure, it's like there's no barrier between my skin and yours. But thats not enough of a good reason to be risking shit that you don't want to." He looks to me.

"However for me emotionally it feels different too. Like I get why you're using the word committed. I wanted to ask you the last couple of times about it but so much has been happening with us that I didn't want to overwhelm you. I am committed to you Taylor, emotionally I feel like I've grown up about 10 years in this short space of time. What I'm saying is the consequences of us being less safe during sex" he chuckles "are something I'm all good with should anything happen" he leaves it at that.

I think my heart just burst out of my chest. I put my arms around him holding onto him tighter. I know I'm going to need to come up for air soon, catch some perspective on this whole thing. But right now I just want to be with him in this moment. I mean isn't that supposed to be one of the biggest moments of your life? He just told me he's happy being everything to me, nothing held back.

I know we have literally just been through some stuff with me opting for the emergency contraception and it seems like a huge turn around. But I'm just going to sleep on it, decide later if I wanna be taking pills or have iuds in my arm. One time of him pulling out can't be the time I get pregnant. Surely?

I pull him in and kiss him.

"I love you" I tell him.

He is relieved, he smiles telling me he loves me too. Then we go upstairs to our bed.