Chapter 6, in which I face several regrets

I've been waiting for Hinata in front of the campus for fifteen minutes and my anxiety is spiking.

「お待たせ」 "I'm sorry I'm late"

「何があったんだ?」 "What happened?"

「同級生の手伝いをしていたんだ」 "I was helping out a classmate"

「同級生は?誰?」 "A classmate? Who?"

「山中さん」 "Yamanaka-san"

「わあ〜,私より他の女の子と過ごすことを選んだのね!」 "Whaa, you chose to spend time with another girl over me!"

I know I'm overreacting, but I'm suddenly so nervous I can't hold it in. I've been waiting to meet him so desperately, then why is he like this?

「もう謝ったよ.」 "I already apologised."

「一緒にいる時間が少ないので」 "We don't spend enough time together..."

This is not enough for me!

「じゃあ,僕に友達を作らないでほしい?」 "So you don't want me to have any friends?"

「いいえ...」 "I do..."

「僕に友人を作ってほしいのに,その友人と話すのは嫌だと?」 "You want me to have friends, but you don't want me to talk to them?"

He's turned just a little bit colder towards me, but I feel frozen to death.

「そうではない!」 "That's not it!"

「では,何なんだ?」 "Then what is it?"

My heart is aching so much. He doesn't feel the same way about me.

I burst:

「日向くんは私のことが全然好きじゃないんだ!」 "You don't like me at all!"

And rush away.

He seemed hurt. I hurt him. This breaks my heart too.

After that, the next day, we haven't talked at all. When I saw him at the uni, he was chatting with his friends as usual, but he never looked my way. So I tried stopping too, but I couldn't.

I had a horrible night and the day is not better. I wish I could say I lost my appetite, but I kept on eating without any enjoyment.

I'm sure that I shared how I really felt, but deep inside I know something's not right. Of course he should hang out with other people. But why is he choosing them over me?

What annoys me most is that I turned out to be the classical clingy girl.

Well, I can suck it up and just wait around until he happens to find time for me. And never ask for his attention. Is that what he wants, huh? How convenient.

Even though bitter thoughts like that keep popping up, soon they are always silenced by my overwhelming feelings for Hinata. Where is the middle ground? I can't wrap my head around it.

The next day I realise that I don't care about the middle ground. I will come crawling back and I have no pride, it hurts too much. I will comply with whatever he wants, even if it's not a healthy solution. We'll just have to figure it out.

Finding Hinata alone is not an easy task, but I follow him around long enough to get a moment. I make him listen and finally have the guts to apologise.

「翔陽,ごめんなさい!」 "Shoyo, I am sorry!"

I bow my head and make sure to hold it long enough. I'm truly remorseful.

「私が間違っていた.謝罪を受け入れてください.」 "I was wrong. Please accept my apology."

「はい.僕も話したかった.」 "I will. I wanted to talk to you too."

I look up and he doesn't look mad and I'm a bit relieved. Still, we haven't resolved much, so I reassure him I'm willing to back down:

「もっと スペースを空けてあげる.ほかにやってはいけないことを教えてください.」 "I will give you more space. Tell me what else I should not do."

My voice breaks:

「ハグやキスをするともイラッとするのか...」 "Are you annoyed when I hug or kiss you too?.."

「いや,全然気にしてないだよ!」 "No, I don't mind that at all!"

Does he mean it?

「僕は...見捨てられたと思ってたなんて!もっと時間を作ると約束するよ.(F/N)も忙しいのでは...」 "I... I had no idea you felt abandoned! I promise to make more time for you. I thought you were also busy..."

Not for you I'm not.

There's a pause and I muster up the courage to bring up the other thing that's been bothering me.

「女の子の知り合いが多いんだね.」 "I see you know a lot of girls, don't you."

「ただの友達だ.」 "They're just friends."

「私たちもただの友達だったんだよ...」 "We were just friends too, you know..."

I don't know what I'm counting on here, to be honest. It's just too easy for him to deny everything, he's squeaky clean, isn't he. Oh, we looked each other in the eyes for too long once? Says who? And too long compared to what? I made your insides turn upside down when I said good morning? Doesn't sound like my problem. You assumed I was especially nice and courteous towards you those couple of times? I have bad news. You thought those feelings of yours were mutual?..

But I hear him answer firmly:

「違う.」 "It's different."

I can wait no longer and I impulsively fall forward and hug Hinata. He said he wouldn't mind and I take this leap of faith. I also know that if he lied, it would break my heart right here right now.

My face is in his shirt, my arms are around his waist. I can smell him, I can touch him, I can feel his warmth. When he hugs me back, it feels like home. It's as if a dislocated joint finally popped into place: the unbearable pain is gone at once. I am happy and serene.

「でも,いつから私のことが好きになったんだ?」 "But when did you start liking me?"

「(F/N)は?」 "And you?"

「覚えていないだろう...二人きりで昼食をとったあとで.」 "You probably don't remember... After we had lunch, just the two of us."

「そうか.」 "I see."

I decide to take this chance and ask again:

「あの...翔陽は?」 "Um, and you?"

「わからない...」 "I don't know..."

Hmm, what did I expect. But he continues:

「たぶん,階段で会ったとき,(F/N)はどこかへ急いでいて,嬉そうで,金と黒のかわいいドレスを着て,いい香りを漂わせていたとき.僕に気づかれなかったと思う.」 "Probably the time when we met on the stairs and you were hurrying somewhere, happy, wearing a pretty gold and black dress and smelling nice. I think you didn't notice me."

Huh? That is detailed! I remember this vaguely. It was my friend's birthday party. I tease him a bit:

「ええ〜,男は顔しか気にしないね」 "Oohhh, guys are all about the looks, aren't they"

「そんなことはない.」 "Not true."

I look at him and add a bit more seriously:

「少し前の話だね.」 "That was a while ago."

Not as long as me, but...

He looks away and he's silent. I bring my gaze down too. I ask him again gently:

「どうしてもっと早く言ってくれなかったんだ?」 "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

「ごめん.」 "I'm sorry."

「バカ...」 "You idiot..."

「これは僕の後悔の一つだ.」 "This is one of my regrets."

A bit later he adds:

「でも,同じことが(F/N)にも言えるよ.」 "But the same goes for you."

「そうだね.ごめんなさい.」 "True. I am sorry."

I hug him closer.

I have never even once considered confessing first. Such a coward.