CHAPTER 74: LIL F UP

"C'mon. You're gonna be late," I tell Keaton, holding out my hand for him. He stares at it in surprise as his smile blossoms once again before taking it and I curse inwardly at how his dimples are showing and that's just cheating. He, in turn, laces our fingers together. It feels weird, doing this with anyone not Chuck or Marsha. Even Allen has never held my hands like this. But I let him as he leads me inside the building.

We enter the building and meet with Keaton's assistant, a woman named Leslie who gives him his papers and greets me with a side-eye so fierce she can even compete with Marsha. Ignoring her and giving my attention fully to Keaton instead, I tighten our hold and walk further inside.

We stop at the gate to the check-in area and Keaton tells Leslie to go ahead and check-in their luggages first. Keaton then turns to me. He holds both of my hands and I look up. Why have the men I met lately been so annoyingly taller than me? And this guy right here, smiles with his adorable dimples on his ridiculously gorgeous face. I really don't know whether I want to punch him or kiss him more.

"Can I kiss you?" he asks slowly and that startles me.

I blink at him. He's really too polite. I can't help chuckling inwardly, though I can feel my face heating up slightly. I nod at him with a smile and he lets go of my hands to instead cup my face and my eyes flutter close in response.

His touch is so gentle as he tilts my head slightly before he brings his face closer to mine. The kiss is also very gentle. His soft lips against mine feels so good and kisses me ever so softly and slowly and it makes my heart beats faster and it confuses me because this isn't something I'm used to.

Not with Malik who kisses me teasingly most of the time. Not even Allen who kisses me like he wants to devour me whole. Even not with Keaon himself. Not before this. His kiss whenever we have sex was just as passionate as Malik and Allen. But never soft and gentle and fluttering like this and this is probably how he likes to kiss truly. And I'm actually liking it.

I pant slightly after the kiss. I lean my forehead against his, unwilling to look at him. I can feel him smiling as he gently caresses my face.

"With that," he whispers softly, "I hope you will miss me," he says.

"You're bad," I accuse him. I really don't know what to say to that. I'm very, very confused right now.

"Hey," Keaton calls out softly, lifting my face so that I will look at him. I try not to avoid his eyes out of embarrassment and guilt so instead I bite my lower lip. To which he frowns at before he brings his fingers to gently touch my lips, telling me to stop doing it. "No pressure, Levi. Don't think too much on it." His voice is so gentle and so reassuring I can't help to feel even more guilty for relishing in his attention and blooming affection.

"I tend to do that a lot these days," I admit to him with a chuckle.

"Don't," Keaton says, kissing my hand, "when you feel like you're going to, call me. Or text me. I'll listen to you. About anything at all," he tells me.

"Even about the guy I'm in love with?" I tease him, chuckling.

"Or about nothing at all," he chuckles. "No. Really. I'll listen to you," he says again more seriously.

"You're too good, Keaton du Bois," I tell him, sighing.

"If you know that," Keaton leans in again, "then try to like me more," he says before kissing me again with just as much gentleness and softness as before and I can't help but to swoon. But also, where's the 'no pressure' from before, huh? I can't help but to also chuckle inwardly at that.

"Sir," I hear Leslie calling him and he lets go, albeit reluctantly.

"I've to go," he tells me.

"Have a safe trip," I nod and step back away from him. He's still holding my hand and I actually don't really want him to let go.

"Thank you," he smiles at me before letting go. I watch him turn around and walk inside until he disappears before turning to leave and back to Malik's car.

"Good?" Malik asks as I get into the passenger's seat. I nod and smile at him. "My place?" he asks. I contemplate for a bit as I take out my phone and check it.

"Nah." I sigh, leaning against the seat after putting my phone back into my bag. "Gotta go back," I tell him a little apologetically.

"007?" Malik asks as we drive away from the airport. I turn to him with a frown.

"007?"

"The guy you're in love with," Malik says, grinning. "You won't tell us about him, not even his name and calling him 'the guy you're in love with' every time is just a waste of my breath, frankly," he tells me with a shrug and a smile and I can't help but laugh at that and also feeling quite sorry. 007 sounds good, though. Mr. Bond. Oddly fitting somehow for Allen.

"It is him. Mr. Bond." I chuckle.

"Are you sure it's wise?" Malik asks rather seriously and somehow worriedly.

"Of course it's not wise," I chuckle again. This time, a little self-deprecating. "But what else can I do?"

"Yeah. I can't really advise you on anything like that." Malik admits, "But, well… Just know that I'll be here if you need me," he tells me and I can feel his sincerity and I'm really grateful for that.

"You'll probably end up being my only friend at the end, though," I tell him with a little chuckle although the thought pains me and saddens me deeply. "That is if I don't fuck this up also," I add.

"Kid," Malik laughs, "you're young. Trust me. This ain't gon be your last fuck ups. Hardly. Believe me," he tells me half seriously, half jokingly.

"What the heck?" I can't help but to laugh at him.

"People fuck up all the time. No matter the age, no matter in what way. All we can do is fuck up and uck up and keep fucking up some more before we truly find what's really worth all those fuck ups.

"All you can do is hang in there and bulldoze through whatever fuck ups you're fucking up and perhaps, maybe, once you went through, there'll be answers. Or at least an ending." he shrugs, finishing his monologue.

"You have a weird way of comforting people," I tell him, laughing. "But thank you. Really," I tell him sincerely.

"Anytime, kid," Malik says, turning to me with a smile.

We've arrived at my dorm and now that I'm here, I'm actually debating on whether I should get out of the car or not. "We can head back to mine if you want, you know," Malik tells me again.

"No." I smile at him, reaching back to get my backpack, "thanks, though," I tell him after I get out of the car and pecking his lips.

"Call me anytime," he tells me.

"Drive safe," I tell him before he drives away.

I sigh and turn around, staring at the building in front of me. I'm dreading what is to come later once I step into that room. But also, another part of me has been wanting to run and throw myself in Allen's arms. Pathetic. I know.

I walk slowly inside and into the elevator and then into the hallway of my floor. I stare at the door to my room and at the door to Allen's. He's waiting for me in his room. He texted me a few times today. Wanting to know where I am and whether or not we can spend the night together. But it's so late now I'm really hoping he's already asleep.

Of course not.

"Hey," I greet Allen, who is still working on his desk in his room, as I enter it. He turns to me with a slight smile but says nothing. "Still working?" I ask casually as I walk further inside and drop my bag on his couch. He nods, eyes not leaving me even as I rummage through his closet for my spare clothes.

Yes. I keep a few of my clothes here for when I stay over.

Yes. I know this is wrong.

No. I don't care.

"I'm gonna take a shower," I tell him, still not looking at him and trying to casually, but also hurriedly walking to the bathroom before he catches me.

Of course he does.

He throws me down onto the bed and climbs on top of me. His eyes are studying me and I can feel my whole body go numb but also excited and I can't help but scold myself for that one. Allen still has that slight smile over his face and cold sweat starts damping my back. Somehow, I shiver. Out of fear or excitement, I can no longer tell.

Without saying a word, Allens starts kissing me and undressing me. Both his hands and lips feel like they're on fire. Burning me, scalding me and I can't help but to moan and writhe under him. His hands roam all over my body. His finger digging into my skin, his grip bruising me. He flips me over so I lie down on my belly. He kisses and bites every inch of my skin as he lifts my hips up.

And then without preparing me and also still without a word, he enters me.

I gasp loudly and I can feel my eyes sting from the tears.

"Allen… slow... down…" I try to reach back to push him away slightly because the pain is just a little too overwhelming. But he grabs my hands and pushes me into the bed further. And then I just let go.

I no longer struggle and to be honest, I don't want to either. This pain. This helplessness. This desperation is what makes me realize, what makes me so sure that Allen also can no longer get away. Why he keeps looking for me. Asking for me.

As fucked up as it sounds, this is what we have. This is what I have. What I can give him. What I can tie him with. Why I'm not leaving and why he can't leave. We refuse to talk about whatever this is but by doing things like this, we ensure that none of us can leave. Willing to leave. However manipulative, fucked up we are to each other, this is what we have. The only thing we can have. This is the only thing we can give each other but also, only us that give this kind of thing to each other. No one else. And I marvel at that.

I have long since given up on getting away. Even if I may seem to have Malik, or even Keaton, Allen will always come first. Even if I am to be forever damned, I will always come whenever he calls. I may put up a little fight, but that's just a bluff. He knows I can't deny him. He knows it perfectly well but he also knows that he can't have enough of me and I also know that perfectly well.

We're fucked. Since the first night, we're already fucked. And we also already fucked up epically. Doing otherwise will just be a joke. So I'm going to continue doing this. Being this Levi to him. Giving him everything he asks of me.

Or at least until I leave for France, that is.

I may not be soon. But also not fast enough. But an ending is coming. And I'm gonna make sure the end stays the end.