You're Always Like This

Paul had never sat shoulder-to-shoulder with a woman. He had never flirted, joked, or talked to a woman for an hour straight. He had never gone on a date.

So how in the world was he sharing a blanket with a chick that was way out his league?

The train started to move again. The starry night their eyes were fixated upon shifting. Choo-choo! The whistle went off.

Ksenia poked his cheek with her finger. As expected, she was warm. "You ever been on a train? You look nervous."

"I, er, not a steam train. Just a normal train," Paul replied.

"I'm from Czech and my father was a huge šotouš. Feels almost like home being here. We have quite a lot of locomotives. They're not quite as old as this one but it smells the same from the outside and inside."

"Czech?"

'Never heard of it...'

"Can't find it on a map?" Ksenia teased.

"N-not really…" Paul admitted shyly.

"American, right?" Ksenia playfully elbowed him under the blanket. "I expected as much. Don't worry, I understand and accept all your flaws, including your lack of education in geography."

"Sorry," Paul mumbled, embarrassed. The length of the blanket wasn't enough to cover them completely. Their legs were exposed and as Ksenia pulled it up to her face he could feel it slipping away. He wanted to say something but found himself looking at her hair. Specifically, its colour. He assumed it was black yet this close he could see it was a dark shade of brown.

How pretty.

"What did you do for work when you were alive?" Ksenia asked, closing her eyes and relaxing.

'Should I be honest? If I say truck driver, will she be interested?'

Ksenia read his mind in a flash and smiled. "Don't want to tell? Don't worry, I'll go first." She looked out the window, her smile wavering. "I was all about lifting weights. All about getting stronger and looking better. I became a bodybuilder and competed in local places. I won them all. It was awesome. Trust me, there's no better feeling than having everyone at the gym look up to you. It's just…" She let out a sigh and faced him with a big, beautiful grin. "Wonderful. Really wonderful. The gym is such a great place."

"I…see." A place of comfort. Paul couldn't relate.

"The reason I even started was because I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. It wasn't until I met this great teacher, Mrs. Růžičková, and she told me to join her weightlifting club. On a whim, I did and my life changed forever. Suddenly, I had a dream—I wanted to become Ms. Olympia."

Ksenia stopped there, her smile continuing to wane. Hesitantly, Paul asked, "Did you?"

She didn't immediately answer. "I made it to Ms. Olympia. I stood on the stage. I was excited. I put in double-the effort. I…I was told to simmer down a little. My coach, my teacher, Mrs. Růžičková, I didn't listen to her. I should have." Ksenia's mouth was set in a flat line. "While I was doing a barbell squat, my ACL tore. I remember screaming and going to the hospital. I've felt intense pain before but nothing close to that. I was told I couldn't compete. That night," she laughed, "I remember crying so much that my pillow was completely drenched."

She swallowed and looked at him. His eyes seem to hold an answer that Paul himself didn't know he had. "Sucks, right? All that effort, all those years, just to have it blow up in my face. I thought it was the end. I was twenty-five and an idiot and I thought I had ruined my chances. Mrs. Růžičková shook me out of that. There's always a next time, always a future. She told me that if I took the surgery that I could get back into shape for the next Ms. Olympia." Another laugh. "Want to guess what happened?"

Paul didn't want to. He wanted to look away. He didn't. He stared into her eyes, hoping the fear in her was an exaggeration.

"The doctors botched up the surgery and I ended up in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. No more dreams, no more money, and no more walking. Mrs. Růžičková…she was a proud woman and to see her on her knees begging for forgiveness isn't a sight I'll ever forget." Her eyes went left again, to the stars. "Never."

Ksenia didn't continue her story. The darkness of the train and the darkness of the lush greenery brought a stillness to the world.

Paul gathered up his courage. She didn't want to talk about it but he wanted to know. "What happened next?"

Ksenia didn't look back. "Ten excruciatingly long years went by. I accepted I was in a wheelchair. I accepted my new life. But then—" Her voice cracked. "I saw Mrs. Růžičková again. She told me about a new student of hers, a genius she said who managed to win third place at Ms. Olympia on her first try. I was…before that, I pretended that I wasn't a body builder. Pretended I didn't put in all that effort. I forgot about the rivals and friends I made and moved on with my life. But that day, when she told me about her new student…I broke. I realized what a waste my life had become. How all the friends and effort and training I put in meant absolutely nothing. And I…"

Ksenia shut her eyes. "I got hit by pneumonia and just…let myself wither away." Opening her eyes, she forced a laugh. She did that a lot. "Depressing, right?"

Paul didn't want to look at the pain in her eyes. His eyes settled on the empty chair across from him. "Then I guess that makes us two peas in a pod." He swallowed. "My brother and dad were rich, successful men. They had pretty wives and cute children, and as lawyers nobody could say a word against them. Except for the fact that they abandoned my mom. She was…my mom was a great woman but they couldn't see it. All they saw was her sickness. All they saw was a woman needing medication and attention. They didn't care about the effort she put in making breakfast or the time she spent cleaning. They didn't care one bit. My dad divorced her, remarried with a bimbo bitch half his age, and left me and my mom with nothing. We didn't have enough money for college and I was failing anyway, so I dropped out and became a truck driver. From there—"

'Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don't tell her!' His mind screamed at him, as did the rush of unwanted memories. The clenching of a knife. The widened eyes of death…

"I…just want forgiveness—!"

The car, the hum of the engine that seemed to grow louder as he drove, and the panic heartbeat preparing to burst from his chest—

"You're always like this, huh?"

His eyes were suddenly weak and his head fell on Ksenia's shoulder. "I'm sorry. Could we just…sleep?"

Her head gently touched his. "Sure."

Ksenia was warm. So warm, her breath strong and heavy. A comforting backdrop to the sway of the train.

That night, neither Paul nor Ksenia had slept so well.

***

The morning light bloomed on his face. Groaning lightly, despite wanting to stay asleep, he woke up. A deep shade of brown pupils came into view and pulled back at the opening of his eyes. Her lips curled into a smile and her thin brows went high.

"Hey, sleepy ahead. You're awake. I got you breakfast."

Yawning, he rubbed his eyes. "What is it?"

"Fish and rice. I know, boring, but they said they hold back till dinner," Ksenia said. "So eat up."

She put the bowl between his thigh, the blanket going slightly more to Paul's side. "Oh, um, thank you."

The last time someone handed him breakfast was well over a year ago. His fingers took the spoon and his eyes stayed glued on the plain rice and fish. That aching feeling that this wasn't the breakfast his mom made kicked in.

"They announced snacks will be coming soon," Ksenia added. "Wanna go?"

He didn't think twice about it. Today, he felt strangely comfortable. "Sure—"

"It's a date." Ksenia grinned. "No take backs."

The tip of his ears went beet red and he occupied himself by eating. She did not mince words at all. If she said it was a date, then it was a date. If she said the food was bad, then it was bad. Frankly, Paul didn't mind. It was a nice change of pace.

Still, he was nervous. Everything was moving so fast yet so slow. Last night, they bore open their hearts in such a way that he felt like he knew her for much longer.

So he just had to ask, "Are you, um…flirting…with me?"

The remaining fear in his heart vanished. There was no laughter and no mocking. Ksenia beamed at him and without lowering her voice declared proudly, "Yes, I am! I'm into the sleepy types, if you know what I mean."

She winked at him. His face reddened. The fear gone, he was left with only one thing: butterflies.

'What the hell is going on!? I don't…what!? Is she a federal agent?'

Ever since he met Kazi, ever since Dasha left his side, the world had spun on its head. Guys wanted to be friends with him. Hot chicks wanted to flirt with him. Why now? Why not before?

He didn't understand and he wasn't sure if he wanted to. His head confused and hurting, he let Ksenia drag to grab lunch and snacks and whatever hell else she wanted.