78. After The Storm

Can I just say, I can't believe we've made it to season 5? It's always seemed so very far away and yet, 78 chapters later, here we are! Thank you to all of you for sticking with me through the journey! You guys are amazing :)

After The Storm

She wasn't going to lie; it had been a rough night after reading such a painful string of letters, reliving a part of their past that both of them had spent the last two years attempting to suppress.

Knowing helped. It did. Or, at least, it would. Of that, Kate was certain. Knowing the truth always helped in the end. But the initial shock that came with finding out always had a tendency to overshadow any feelings of clarity that might otherwise result.

In a few days, though, she knew they'd both be okay.

It was the in-the-meantime that was worrying her.

The clock on the bedside table read 4:07 a.m., well before she needed to be up and going about her day. In fact, she should be curled up with Castle, fast asleep, with his arms wrapped tightly around her and his breath fanning gently across her skin.

Instead, she was wide awake, alone in their bed, being taunted by the bright red numbers against the darkness of the room.

She'd drifted into consciousness just a couple of minutes ago, wakened she supposed by the lack of a warm body behind her, sensing his absence even in sleep.

Kate sighed heavily, forced herself out from beneath the pile of covers and into an upright position. Her toes hit the floor and she retracted them immediately, curling them against the cold wood. With another sigh, she braced herself against it, stood and crossed to the closet, sliding her feet into a pair of slippers. Her night shirt fell midway down her thighs, the fabric brushing the skin as she walked, and she folded her arms over her chest to stave off the temperature. It wasn't that cold; it was only September, after all. But being awake unexpectedly in the middle of the night was not conducive to having an appropriately warm body temperature.

She found him in the study, seated at his desk with their journal. At first, she thought maybe he was reading, but upon closer inspection she could hear the faint strokes of a pen on paper.

She approached quietly so as not to alarm him, rested a hand on his shoulder. "Hey."

He startled only slightly, a jerk of his hand, before relaxing at her touch. "Hey."

"Couldn't sleep?"

Castle shook his head. "Didn't mean to wake you."

She shrugged. "You didn't. I just missed you."

"Hmmm."

She lifted her hand from his shoulder, gently carded her fingers through his hair. "You okay?"

He nodded half-heartedly.

"Castle."

He sighed, set aside the pen and closed the journal. "I just... my brain wouldn't stop working. What-ifs and regrets, you know?"

She did know. It was the exact thoughts that had been flying through her mind as she woke, the same ones that had plagued her until she finally managed to fall asleep last night.

Her fingers trailed down, grazing the shell of his ear, pressing lightly against the skin of his neck, before sliding around to his collarbone. She wrapped her other arm around him from behind as well, leaned down and nuzzled her cheek against his.

"Castle," she murmured, her warm exhale caressing his skin. She felt him react to her touch, tilted her head to press her lips to his cheek. "Come back to bed."

He shook his head against her. "Can't sleep."

"Then come keep me company," she suggested in a low voice.

She watched at her words registered, disengaged her arms and stepped back to allow him to stand. He got to his feet, followed her through the office back to their room. Kate turned as he stepped up to the bed, gently untied the bathrobe he'd donned, slipped it off his shoulders and allowed it to land in a heap by his feet. He caught her around the waist before she could climb into bed, wrapped her in his embrace and breathed her in, allowing her scent, her presence, her warmth, to wash over him.

"Bed, Castle," she murmured after a minute, deftly slipping from his arms and turning to rearrange the covers before crawling in, holding the blankets up in silent invitation. He slid in after her, settling on his back, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Castle." No response. "Rick." When he offered no acknowledgement, she placed a hand on his cheek, forced him to turn his head and meet her eyes. "Castle, don't do this," she urged. "I know what it's like to drown in the what-ifs. Believe me. It does no good to dwell on it."

He blinked, was slow to open his eyes again. "I know," he spoke eventually, voice heavy with a sigh. "I just... I repressed all of that for so long, and I thought I was over it. I guess I'm not."

"It's always going to be there," she murmured. "Whether you like it or not, it's always going to be there. But if I've learned one thing from my shooting, from therapy, and from you, it's to not let the past dictate your future."

"Kate..."

"No, just listen, please," she interrupted. "I lost thirteen years of my life by wrapping myself up in my mother's case and blocking everyone else out. I lost the opportunity to meet new people, to be happy, to fall in love, all because I was unwilling to let go of my past. It's still there and it still hurts. It always will. But allowing myself to put it behind me and be with you... that's the single best decision I've ever made."

That caught his attention enough to bring his eyes up to hers, and despite the darkness, he could see the clarity there, how absolutely she believed in the words she'd just spoken.

"And if I'd let it go sooner, maybe I would've fallen in love with someone else I met earlier on. Maybe we wouldn't be here right now. There are so many possible 'what ifs' but the truth is that we're here and we're together and all the other alternative scenarios don't matter."

He nodded slowly, averted his eyes again but rolled onto his side to face her. Kate too rolled over, reached out for the notebook she knew was resting on the nightstand, switching on the lamp with her other hand. When she settled back into bed, propped up on her elbows, Castle was curled on his side, eyes open, lighter but still troubled.

She flipped open the book, settled it in front of them. "Come on," she murmured, drawing his eyes to the page, dated just days after she appeared at his door soaking wet and ready to leave the behind the case that had haunted her for years. "Happier memories this time."

It took a long moment but he eventually relented, tipped his head for a better view. She wrapped one of her hands around his, strength and comfort, as they fell back into their story.

Dear Kate,

I'm overwhelmed. Confused. At a loss for words. And somehow, none of those statements adequately describe how I feel right now. Everything is elevated. It has been since you showed up at my door four days ago and kissed me. I'm pretty sure I still haven't come to grips with everything.

It's a strange feeling, to spend so many years wanting something and then finally having it. It's even stranger in this case because often times it's the wanting that's the best part and the having that turns out to be mediocre. With you it's the other way around. In just four days you've put my fantasies and dreams of you, of us, to shame. Everything I ever conjured up in the depths of my subconscious is nothing compared to the feeling of touching your skin, kissing your lips, waking with you in my arms. Feeling and watching as you fall apart around me.

I still can't even believe all of this is real. I'm just stunned every time you kiss me or hug me or even when you smile at me, that gorgeous lifting of your lips that only I get to see.

You're so amazing, Kate, and I have a feeling I've only just scratched the surface. I can already tell you have a whole lot more tricks up your sleeve, especially when it comes to teasing me (not that I'm complaining. You can grope me in the elevator whenever you want. Or, you know, anywhere else you want.) I'm also realizing that the true depths of your heart offer so much more for me to uncover and explore and love. It's like you've unveiled this entirely new side of yourself and while I will always love you as a badass detective, I'm completely smitten with this playful, happy, carefree version of you as well.

I know this is turning into another one of my sappy love letters but I can't help myself because I've never felt like this before. I've never been so completely in love with someone.

On the other end of the spectrum, my feelings in the more difficult situations are magnified now, too. It's always pained me to know that there are some burdens I can never truly lift from your shoulders. Sometimes the best I can do is just be there and I know you've said that helps, but in my mind it never feels like enough. Like last night, when everything seemed so hopeless. I held you in my arms, and I hope it helped you, but at the same time it crushed me to know that you live with this constant fear and there is nothing I can do to change that and very little I can do to protect you.

I've always known your life is by nature in danger every single day simply because you're a cop. Hell, I've lived through that reality once, and it was the worst experience of my life, bar none. But now that we're together, now that I know what it feels like to be with you, I'm a whole new level of terrified because I know I could never live without you. Not now. When reality came crashing down on us in the form of the threat that was hanging over your head, the fear was almost paralyzing. It sucked the air from my lungs, made me want to envelop you in my arms and never let you go. I wanted to protect you from the world, even though I know that's not possible. Even if it was, I know you'd never let me.

The moment I woke alone in your bed with no idea where you'd gone completely knocked the wind out of me because I thought they might have gotten to you. I was so panicked because I thought I was never going to see you again and all I could think about was that I didn't have the chance to tell you one more time how much I love you.

The sense of relief I felt when I saw you again, alive and unharmed, was so all encompassing. And yet, it was almost completely buried by the sight of the gun in your hand. I know you're not a killer, but I also know what this case has done to you in the past and I was terrified that it had sucked you in again while I lay asleep in your bed, completely unawares. I feel awful for even thinking such a thing, for trusting you so little; like I said, I'm still coming to grips with everything and I wasn't thinking straight.

I don't know what kind of understanding you and Bracken reached, and I trust that you'll tell me in good time. But whatever it is, I want you to know that I'm so proud of you for the way you handled things. I know it can't have been easy for you to have the answer right at your fingertips only to watch him slip away due to lack of hard evidence. Hell, I completely understand the desire to just put a bullet through his skull. He's ruined so many lives, he doesn't deserve to live to see another day.

He will, for now. But we will get him, I promise you that. We will find the evidence and take him down. We will find justice, for you and your mom, because I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. And we'll do it together, you and me.

So thank you, Kate. For showing up at my doorstep and fighting for me to take you back. For everything you've done to tear down your wall so we can be together. For believing in me through this whole ordeal even when I was completely grasping at straws. For taking the high road so you and I can finally have our chance to live and love and just... be together.

Oh, and also for not killing me for hiding you in my closet (you're right, it wasn't my best moment ever).

Speaking of which, I never actually got to properly make it up to you. Maybe I should text you and tell you not to bother to pick up take-out on your way over to the loft in a few minutes. I'm pretty sure it's going to get cold before we get around to eating it.

See you soon, Kate.

Love,

Rick

By the time they finished the letter, Kate was grinning like a fool and she could see a smile attempting to split the edges of Castle's mouth as well, lips twitching as he determinedly fought against it.

"Sappy love letter, huh?" she asked, eyebrow raised. Granted, not all of it had been sappy, but for now she was focusing on the happy 'I'm so in love with you' parts.

The smile broke free then, spreading across his face as he lifted his eyes to hers. The pure happiness was radiating from her, contagious, and he felt it wash through him, bolster his spirits and push the regrets from his mind.

"What can I say?" he shrugged. "It's what you do to me."

She lifted a hand, ran the pads of her fingers across the rough stubble on his cheek. No words left her mouth but none were necessary. Her eyes had always spoken more deeply than anything else. In his words was where the truth could always be uncovered.

Right then, in the semi-darkness of their bedroom in the wee hours of the morning, that was all that was needed.

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