73. 47 Seconds

This letter is the first one I ever wrote in real time. As in, I watched the episode live and wrote this right after. Castle's situation hit really close to home for me at the time. Really close. That was six months ago and I've barely changed a word of what I originally wrote, because I didn't want to lose any of the raw emotion.

47 Seconds

"Want to read?" Kate asked, holding up the journal as Castle slipped under the covers. It was early yet, just after nine, but as they had to be in fairly early tomorrow, it seemed an appropriate time to head to bed.

"Sure," he agreed.

They situated themselves beneath the blankets, Castle on his side and Kate on her stomach next to him, propped up on her elbows. He draped an arm and a leg over her, his weight comforting as it pressed her into the sheets. She sighed contentedly, flipped open to the next unread entry in the notebook.

Always such a beautiful way to end the day.

Dear Kate,

I'm such a fool. Either that or you're an incredibly good actress. Maybe both.

"Oh," Castle said suddenly, sharply, garnering her attention.

"What?"

"This one..." he trailed off, unsure how to explain it. They'd touched on past secrets, though the main focus had been on his rather than hers. And that was intentional because, at times, this particular memory still stung too much for Castle to want to talk about. But he'd put it off once before, a few weeks earlier, and as much as he was dreading reliving this, he knew it needed to be done. He wasn't sure he was ready, but it no longer appeared as though he had a choice.

"This one what?" Kate prompted.

"It's rough, Kate. I remember almost every word of it because I was so upset."

"Okay..."

"It's from the case with the bomb in Boylan Plaza."

Oh. Oh. The point where their relationship shifted from steadily growing closer to completely falling apart without any real indicators that things had gotten so bad. And though Kate had eventually surmised that Castle somehow found out about her lie, she'd never known exactly how. Apparently that was about to change.

So... not such a beautiful way to end the day this time, it seemed.

"Okay," she murmured, feigning more strength than she felt, because she already knew this one was probably going to tear her apart. Although, it wasn't necessarily herself that she was worried about, if the strained creases on his forehead were any indication. "Okay, we can do this."

"You sure?"

She lifted her eyes to his, deep and serious. "If you are."

He nodded, returned his eyes to the page, to the words he already knew almost from memory.

Whatever it is, you sure had me going. I thought we had a chance. I thought when we talked on the swings all those months ago, it was me you had in mind when you said you needed to break down that wall before you could have a relationship. I thought if I just stuck around and waited for you and helped you tear it down, that would be enough. When you looked at me, I thought I could see the love in your eyes. I thought it was there, and you just weren't ready to acknowledge it. So I waited. And I allowed myself to hope.

Apparently that was a mistake. It's been three years, Kate, and if after all that time you still don't have any feelings for me beyond the platonic, I'm pretty sure you never will. I see now that no matter what I do, I'll never be enough for you. I never have been, but I allowed myself to hope that someday I could be.

I don't usually like to say this because 'hate' is a pretty strong word, but right now it's the most accurate thing I can come up with. I hate that my dreams for the future have been destroyed. I hate that I've spent three years trying to become someone worthy of your love only to find out you never wanted me in the first place. I hate that I've allowed myself to fall for your deceit. I pride myself on being able to read people, profile them in a way, but obviously I was completely wrong about you. I was just so mesmerized by your drive and your fierceness and your beauty that I allowed myself to be swept under. Clearly, that was my first mistake.

My second was allowing myself to fall so far that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to climb out. That I'll ever be able to stop loving you.

You know, it's crossed my mind before that you weren't being completely truthful. I've suspected it a couple of times, especially because you could never look at me when you talked about it, and because you were reacting in a way very similar to PTSD during the sniper case. It only made sense that you had at least some recollection of the events of that day. But I clung to the belief that you didn't remember and that I was just being paranoid. Because I trusted you.

Now I don't. If you could lie to me, keep a secret of that caliber, for so many months, what else are you hiding? I thought I knew you. Now, I have no idea who you are. I'm starting to wonder if the person I thought you were was just something I made up in my head. A character. Just like Nikki Heat.

I was going to say it, you know. When we got interrupted, and I told you it could wait. I was going to tell you I loved you and didn't want us to miss our chance. Tomorrow isn't a guarantee, and I knew I would always regret it if I didn't tell you again. If you never knew. Turns out the joke was on me, because not only did you already know, but you proceeded to tear my heart out just a few hours later.

I don't know what to do now, Kate. I've loved you for so long that I'm not even sure how to begin getting over you. I'm not even sure I can, because no one I meet will ever measure up to you, or at least to the person I thought you to be. But I'm going to try, because all I want is for you to be happy, and if you don't find that with me then I won't stand in your way.

My mother doesn't think I should keep coming to the precinct. I know she disagreed with my decision to go back after I uncovered your lie. But I couldn't stay away, because the truth is this is the first thing I've ever done where I truly feel like I'm making a difference. Those families needed that closure, and that was something I could help with. So I came back.

I admit, it wasn't easy being around you and hiding the feelings that were threatening to spill out. I hurt, Kate. Everywhere. My chest physically aches at the fact that everything I thought was true is just a lie, a fantasy. I can hardly breathe when I think about never again holding your hand, hugging you, kissing you. Never having the chance to be what I've always thought we could be.

You were it for me. I was going to wait until you were ready, because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and you were worth the wait. Now, all I have is memories, the ghosts of your touch, your kiss. They're haunting me already and it's only been a day.

But I'm your partner, and I told you 'always,' and even if that always is nothing like I imagined, I intend to stay true to my word.

Maybe someday I'll be able to accept that we were never meant to be. That we're better off just being friends and partners. Maybe I'll be able to forgive you for keeping this from me, for not coming forward and just telling me instead of leading me on for nine months only to stab me in the heart with it. Maybe I'll even learn to trust you again, in some capacity.

Until then, I'll just keep doing what I've always done; showing up, helping solve cases, and helping innocent families find the closure they deserve. At least I can feel like I'm succeeding in one aspect of my life.

I shouldn't end this way, but I can't help myself.

I love you.

Rick

As Kate read, she could feel the pain all over again, could feel herself back in the precinct watching, confused, as he slipped away without an explanation. She remembered the cold look in his eyes, the barely concealed rage and heartbreak. The snide comments that at the time seemed scathing and out of place and yet now made perfect sense.

In retrospect, she could see that he'd fully intended to hurt her. She could recall the sinking feeling in her stomach when he turned down her offer for drinks and left her alone with her confusion. From that day on, things had spiraled out of control, to the point where Kate had absolutely no idea what was going on or what she'd done or how to even begin fixing any of it.

It was pathetic, really, that it had taken almost losing him for her to man up and actually have him. In the end, it'd all worked out, but she wished they could've found a more mature way to handle things.

"I still hate what I did to you," Kate said finally, voice laced with pain and regret.

"So do I," he admitted. "I understand your choice, but I just..."

"I know," she murmured. "I know. And I hate myself for lying and avoiding the subject and leading you to believe I didn't care. I never would've forgiven myself if I'd completely ruined things for us. I couldn't live with that."

"You made a mistake, Kate. I've made my fair share of them too. It's going to happen," Castle placated, realizing with a jolt that maybe this wasn't as horrible as he'd thought it was going to be.

Yes, it hurt to read his own words, to relive the heartache. Yes, stray tendrils of pain still lingered. But on the other hand, it wouldn't do to keep beating themselves up over this. He knew why she did what she did, and now she knew his side of the story. Apologies had been offered and each had forgiven the other long ago. It was time to put it behind them, to move on.

"Yeah but..." she began, interrupting his musings.

"Kate," he cut in, determined to end this now before they both allowed themselves to spiral into a path of self-loathing. "It's in the past. We fixed it. You don't have to keep punishing yourself for it."

"But I almost..."

"Exactly," Castle interjected, silencing her. "Almost. It almost happened. But it didn't. And we found our way, and I already forgave you, so there's no point in clinging to this and all of its surrounding what-if scenarios."

She nodded slowly as his words sank in, wrapping around her and offering comfort. He was right. It was in the past, just like everything else they'd fought their way through. It still hurt to see his pain spelled out so clearly, but it meant even more to her to know that he could feel this way and still have forgiven her so completely.

"Right," she answered firmly, lips brushing against his finger as he slid his hand around to cup her jaw.

"We're okay?" he asked, pressing his lips to hers softly.

She smiled against him, nodded. "We're okay, Castle."

Thoughts?