16. A Rose For Everafter

I know a lot of you were looking forward to this one. I was too, which is why I've had this chapter written for almost a month. And I'm excited to finally be able to share it with you guys!

A Rose For Everafter

After their morning of heavy conversations morphed into an afternoon of activities involving little to no words, the topics of their relationship and future marriage and children were put on hold for quite some time. There was really only so much to be said on the subject for now. But at least they truly knew where each other stood.

And Castle was almost confident that if he asked sometime in the near future, she'd say yes. Maybe over Fourth of July? That was just about a month away and they had a three-day weekend. He could take her to the Hamptons, pull out all the stops. Well, okay, not all. If there's one thing he knew she wouldn't want, it was a big, lavish proposal. But he could cook dinner, set up a picnic on the beach or something.

Small and intimate, she'd said. Words he'd never forgotten. Words that actually defined a large portion of their relationship.

There'd been public dates, yes. There'd been red carpets at book release parties, and pictures of them in the paper on occasion. There'd been extravagant evenings in which Castle got them reservations at expensive restaurants. But he knew Kate wasn't particularly fond of that lifestyle, so for the most part they'd flown under the radar.

And actually, Castle was finding he quite enjoyed the privacy, the down-to-earth-ness of their relationship. There was no pretense with them, no putting on certain personas, having to be what the other person expected. It'd been so long since he'd had anything like this. Anything real.

Early morning calls to crime scenes, occasional lazy mornings in bed. Family dinners with Kate, his mother, her father, and Alexis. Laser tag battles (in which Kate nearly always prevailed). Quiet evenings spent in his office, him writing while she got lost in his enormous book collection. Late nights curled up in bed, reading more from their journal.

Over a week had passed since they'd read the last letter and now that they had some downtime together, Castle wasted no time in retrieving the book from the nightstand, curling up with her and flipping it open.

Kate,

I know you were surprised to find I dated Kyra seriously. I know you thought she didn't seem like my type. I guess I can't blame you for that; I haven't really given you any reason to think otherwise. But she was different. The truth is, Kyra was the first person I ever really fell head-over-heels in love with. I wanted to marry her. I thought we were forever.

She left because said she needed space. Our feelings were intense, so much so that they scared me at times, and I figured she just needed some perspective. I thought she'd come back when she was ready, but she never did. Not going after her has always been one of my biggest regrets. But now that I've seen her with Greg, I know we were never meant to be. Our love was real, and the time we had together was something I'll always treasure, but neither one of us was ready for marriage.

I wish I'd realized that at the time, though. I wish I'd realized that just because our relationship didn't work didn't mean what we had wasn't the real thing. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have been through two divorces. Maybe I would have waited until I found something real again. Maybe I'd have realized it would be worth it in the end.

I know better now, though. Our love was real, and that made the pain of our break-up so much stronger. I was hurt, and I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to feel, and the lifestyle I chose definitely made me feel alive again. It suppressed the pain. And when there aren't any feelings involved, it can't hurt as much. I'm not saying I made the right decision, but at the time it was my way of coping. And I'll never regret Alexis, or the fun Meredith and I had, but I wish I'd taken marriage more seriously. I wish I didn't have two divorces in my past. I think maybe if I didn't, you'd see me differently.

You have to know I have feelings for you, Kate. I'm inspired by you and I'm drawn to you in a way I can't explain. You keep me guessing, you keep me on my toes, and you constantly surprise me with the little things you reveal about yourself. You're... intriguing, I think, is the best way to put it. And you know I've wanted you since day one, but this is different now. I want to spend more time with you, get to know you better, in more than just the physical sense. I don't know what we are, exactly, or what we could be, but I want to give it a try.

I have a feeling we could be something really good.

-Castle

"I didn't realize," Kate murmured softly, setting the journal aside and hugging him tighter.

"Realize what?"

"What happened with you two. I... honestly, I figured you'd done something," she admitted guiltily.

He shook his head, dropped his chin. "For the longest time, that's what I thought, too. I thought I'd scared her off somehow. Then when it became clear that she wasn't coming back, I thought maybe in her eyes I just wasn't worth it."

"So that's why... when I…"

"Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah."

"I never knew."

Kate couldn't stop herself as her mind flashed back to that day at the swings. Right after months of poor communication culminated in a pit of misunderstandings and false assumptions and a job in DC. The job that very nearly tore them apart.

"Kate..."

She stepped back, refused his outstretched hand. "Castle, please. I need to be home tonight. In my own bed."

"Then we can go to your place," he suggested blindly, desperate to keep her from leaving. He thought they were okay. Relatively speaking. He thought they'd reached a consensus of sorts.

Apparently he was mistaken.

"Alone, Castle." Her voice was broken, completely shattered from the weight of the last few days, of the stress from everything she was facing and everything that had been said. "I need to be alone."

He ran a hand through his hair, deflated, stepped back heavily. "Fine."

"Castle..."

But he was already turning away.

They parted ways without a good bye, and as Castle glanced over his shoulder while he waited for a cab, he caught a glimpse of Kate in the driver's seat of her cruiser with her head down on the steering wheel.

What had they done?

"Castle?" she called softly, bringing him back to the present.

"Hmmm?"

Kate ran a hand through her hair. "It's over. Don't keep dwelling on it."

Castle sighed painfully at the memory, one that had unearthed all the insecurities they'd spent so long trying to erase. "I know."

She turned her head, pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw.

"We're better at this now," she promised.

"I know," he repeated, more to himself than to her.

Kate smiled softly, pulled his large body around hers more tightly, cocooning herself in his embrace and allowing him to draw strength from her. Bouncing back from that hadn't been easy.

But together...together, they'd found their way back to each other.

Thoughts?