Chapter 3

Mandy

I should call Chris. Tell her all he's done to me, we'll swear at him together, burn his photographs, his things I cherished more than mine, get drunk till morning, eat up all the greasy stuff. I know her humor would make me feel better. But I don't. I didn't call her because she was right all along and how wrong I was for judging his character as a gentleman. She was right that Jake is an asshole, and a gold-digger with the darkest heart. He was getting all the money he wanted, all the things he wanted for five years. Why not just let the money coming? Why did he have to be so harsh on me and break up? It's not like I would've cared that he was using my money if he kept on playing his good boyfriend role. She told me I was being used every time he did the so-called 'something special' for us. She told me I was being too naïve to love him that way and I ignored it all like I've ignored all the red flags that were there all along with our relationship. I've ignored it all and loved him with all I am and all I have to the point that I'm breaking apart. Yet, all my feelings were nothing in front of his wants, now he wants someone who will keep him entertained, I bet she is hot. He is nothing but a monster in my memories.

But there were so many great moments we've shared too, too great to ever made me doubt his intentions. The love I've never had before. I got all that from him. His kind heart. How can I not love him when he professes his feelings in front of the University? He kept following me, flirting with me, for three months before I agree to jump in. Except the past hour, he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. One of the few people to treat me like I matter too. Maybe this is all a big misunderstanding, and if I call him back and beg to take me back, beg that I will be better, we might be able to go back to the way we were.

A broken glass can never be the same.

Those were my words to Chris when she was heartbroken. We are way too broken to be able to put back together. I've said too much, he's done too much. That can never be undone. God I'm so stupid. Stupid to never see all those signs, all those times my messages were kept on read, when my calls went to voicemails and never a decent call back, when I went to him to help him and his drunk friends back home in the middle of the night, when I paid for all the trips he made with his friends, there was too many signs. I was blind to ignore them all. It was all his way of showing how much he disliked me.

But there was a time when I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet, the night I told him I loved him for the first time, it was perfect. I remember it even now. Those words are still powerful enough to send shiver down my spine. The word that held the emotions of a lifetime.

At least for me…

"I love you." he told me after he made love to me on his childhood bed, in his childhood room right after we had the greatest Christmas dinner with his family. Right after I saw his embarrassing photos of his teen-self that I found super adorable and amusing. He is so hot, but before puberty, he was a literal nerd. He told me those words with more meaning and intent. I've never felt any words deep in my bones as I felt them, like he carved them right on my ribs, over my heart. I knew he meant it, it was in his eyes.

"I love you more." I told him with a sweet kiss right above his heart. I swear his heart was going nuts like a wild animal from the effect of my words. It just made me crazier.

"Not possible." He smirked when he hovered over me and we went back to the work we were doing on his bed that kept squeaking with every thrust. And the way his parents look at us the next morning, they definitely knew what we did though we tried to hide it. My heart was the weakest it has ever been in all of my years I've breathed.

My heart is weaker now knowing that he's the same person who has ever said those words to me, ripped all those happy feelings to pieces. How will I ever trust anyone again? How will I ever love anyone ever again?

I've lost myself with the way I've loved him. There will be no one to find me again.

I stomp my feet, threw my hands. Nothing I do can change the way I feel. Douchebag, asshole, motherfucker. I've called him all the names I've never used before. I thought I'll be fine. He didn't love me so why would I have to be in love with him. As much as the reality sinks in, the pain just gets more unbearable. I saw something in him I've never seen before, he hated me. But he wasn't a douchebag to me ever before, we were doing fairly well. we would meet on dates, we would talk about our dates, he will come to my house, we will talk about his day. I will cook him meals, we will cuddle each other all night. My father never did half of it.

Maybe it was the first time he really let his true nature out in open and let me see it. But then I wonder, if just cursing him for all the bad he's done can change the way I feel for him. Because I know, all the words I've said, things that I've taken back from him didn't make me hate him. Neither could my eyes even act the same intensity of hatred my mouth could. I still love him, with the difference that my love will soon resent and hate myself for what happened. Whatever he's become, he's still the only guy who has ever made my dead heart to flutter, and for that I will hate myself, now he's broken it into a million pieces. I can't believe I've thought of marrying him, I can't believe I'm crying for someone like him.

I needed to pull through my emotions that keeps spilling out of control. If Chris finds out, I bet she will kill him before she even thinks about it. If I'm this emotional when I tell her about tonight, she will definitely do something worse that will make me regret I ever decided to tell her. I need to calm down first before I ever go back and tell her my story.

I decided to go to the hotel I've already paid for. Maybe when I go there and see the things he's been doing behind my back, I would want to forget him. maybe I'll hate him more than I'll hate myself.

That is why I'm here, right now, to give all I have left for a dream of something peaceful. I pulled up my car in front of the hotel and the reason became even more clear, why he dated me. the hotel he chose to cheat on me, is not just a hotel, it's a fucking castle, a palace. It's fucking huge, I can't look at it front inside the car, as much as I try. I know I have money, but it doesn't belong to me, it belonged to the one man I hated all my life. I hated dad, so I never intended to use his fortune, I had well enough of my own and the home my mom left for me. Using his inheritance was almost like admitting defeat. All the reasons he ever had for not spending time with his family because he was out there making money for us. Using his money, seemed like a curse. I had this in my head that money takes away people's nature to nurture and love, dad wasn't always like that, neither was Jake. So, I let him use it, it was practically his. I just wanted him to live a comfortable life he didn't get. I knew it when I visited his family home. Though he could've expended it all on his amusements, I wouldn't have cared, but he didn't expand it beyond the limit my credit card carries. Now that I look at the structure of the hotel, I'm ready to change my mind. Spending two thousand dollars on a suite, to secretly fuck a girl behind his girlfriend, is a completely douche move. I don't think I can ever recover from it.

Yes, I still needed it. I needed to absorb it more, so I can finally convince myself what a big mistake it was to ever be with him, to ever love. What a big mistake love is? How it can ruin one in many ways? What a big fool I am to trust a man after the wounds my father gave to my mom that she took her life. I sucked in a breath with conviction and dared myself for a heartbreak. I need to be stronger than she ever was. I will not let a guy ruin me the way she was ruined.

He chose the penthouse to fuck. A bloody penthouse. The place we always used to do it. in the open patio, late at night, after a romantic dinner. He fucking chose the same space to cheat on me. I can see the irony in that, but it doesn't make me laugh, it makes me want to cry. I was walking around, taking the scenery outside the glassed window. Thinking about all the places he would've made love to her. against the window, on the couch, the bed, patio, dining hall table, shower room. I most've done it before, he would've done it again, if I didn't catch up.

There were fucking rose petals and vanilla candles in the bathroom and new sheer robes folded to make their honeymoon more exquisite. The fucking towel origami things they do in honeymoon suites was everywhere. How many honeymoons he's had? How many times he's been with me after fucking someone else? It's funny to think about, people never really change, I thought my love will change him. I thought fuckboys like him can change when they meet the right person. They don't change, they just get better at acting to get better.

There wasn't five minutes I've spend burning in this hell when the bell rang. I already regret coming here, don't let it be Jake now. as much as I hate him now and want to kill him, I will break down if I see him again. I can't afford that.

I looked through the peep hole and opened with a relieving sigh. It's room service which I haven't called. the first thing I was to notice was the chardonnay I used to order for us all the time, because I know he loved it. I'm not a fan of alcohol seeing my mom wither away under its influence bit by bit every day until she gave up on living a life with the betrayal of my father. I know no matter how much I deny, I'm still her daughter. I so much like her and just that, I know where I will be conscious enough.

I gave him a hefty bill and the entire bottle of wine to enjoy. I will eat just the food. At least he got something out of my miserable day.

"Can I get some books?" I asked him and I can see how out of expectation my question was to him. I bet no one pays for a penthouse to read some books, except of course if I'm a lunatic.

"There is a library right around the street, if that helps."

"It's too for a library," I looked at my watch.

"It's a twenty-four-hour library. They only close at Tuesdays. I can call you a chauffeur."

"I'll be fine. Thanks."

"Have a nice stay." I smile doubting if it will even help but reading a book sound way better now than imagining all the positions he would fuck the stranger all over the suite. Book sounds so much better. So, I took my car and drove to the strange place I was told is a library. The castle was a tower of rock amid the jolly green, a fine accompaniment to the bonny foliage. Why are the places around here all castle-like? I mean does this place really hold a historical significance? Why is everything so antique?

"Callie's Corner." I read the board that lead outside the one door I can -spot in the right of the castle. I don't think it's fair to call this library a corner.