FEVER DREAM

[3 hours later]

"See you later guys."

"You're not going to stay back from drink-"

"Fuck no."

"…"

Kain begins to pace himself towards the train station, and as he does, his mind continues to rush, trying to relearn the lessons he's been through in hopes of finally building some sort of character, an identity, and begin to have some clarity and certainty in what to make sense out of his hectic world.

Once on the train, he goes on his phone as per usual, and opens up TikTok with the hopes of stumbling upon some stimulation that will remind him of key things that he has forgotten and still struggles with memorising.

He watches the same few videos again and again, just as someone who listens to music on repeat.

He gets nowhere, and only has more questions to hold onto trying to solve. He makes sure to write them down to the list of his psychological dilemmas on his notes app, so as to not forget what he must focus on.

…

He gets in the car after getting off the train station, and just sits there, exhausted and feverish. His head throbs and his nose burns from how much he has been thinking.

"Still, I feel nothing…", he says this in reflection to his years of purposelessness.

He starts up his car and begins to drive on autopilot, continuing to try to make progress in answering his questions despite how he feels, but because of this, he doesn't pay active attention to the road.

He while stopped at a red light and listening to music on full blast, the song ends and he decides to hit replay for the sake of sensing the same vibe again, which is needed in order to help logically solve the more intuitive/empathetic aspects of life that he lacks and tries to bring back.

The red light doesn't change for the entirety of the song, and he looks back to see of the reaction of the cars behind him to make sure if they don't put the blame of him for whatever reason.

…

But no one is behind him.

…

"… what's taking so long?", he says to himself as he turns his body back around.

He tries to concentrate back on solving his dilemmas, but the amount of time being spent at a red light intersection with no one else around, makes him feel uncomfortable to the strangeness of the situation, as he constantly feels in a rush, especially when all he wants to do is to at least think while lying down in his room as soon as possible.

"…"

He looks around, making sure that there isn't any camera atop any of the stop lights or any surprise traffic entering from any direction.

He slowly rolls his car forward, waiting a bit longer, just in case.

The song ends again, and he pauses it this time to make sure that he can't hear any traffic either.

Finally, he decides to cross the red light, thinking that it's broken or something.

…

He makes his way home, nothing of significance happened today either.

He quickly forgets about the broken traffic light and begins to try to refocus himself back to his dilemmas, but only after he finishes having a shower.

Unfortunately, he has a habit of having extremely long showers, because whether he wants to or not beforehand, he goes into a trance where he ends up trying to solve his dilemmas while standing under the running water, and before he knows it, and hours and a half passes, and his entire rest break is wasted along with the health of his skin.

His hands now prune within seconds of touching water as a result of this habit, and STILL he has these long showers.

He knows he has to focus on making sure his physically fit and healthy, but he doesn't want to waste time doing something he doesn't feel any personal significance for while he is still trying to feel the significance in things to begin with.

And so, it just gives him another reason to try and devote all of his time and energy into solving these problems.

He sits on the couch in his living room, and goes on YouTube to play music on the big screen, and again, it's just music.

He feels sick from the lack of movement, the lack of certainty, and the intense attempt to concentrate but constantly finding himself failing at every little thought, memory, or fake conversation that plays in his mind.

He thinks about the he doesn't get along with at work, and imagines conversations play out where he perfectly wins a debate again and again and again, memorising keys words and phrases to concepts that he has already learnt, with no reason other than to fulfil his nervous tick of wanting to occupy himself with the feeling of being right at the very least.

He annoys himself for slipping back into his pointless ways, and again and again and again he tries to focus on his dilemmas.

Madness swirls continuously, hours go by, and before he knows it, it's 5AM on a Saturday.

"…", he decides he needs to sleep, and at least try to think about all of these things with a clear head.

…

[7 hours later]

It's 12PM, noon, and he just woke up feeling worse.

The moment he wakes up, his mind began to chatter, and he had no dream while he was asleep, only hallucinations of the sound of his own voice chatting away at the usual debates that plague his mind unconsciously, just like the trances he goes through in his long showers.

Immediately he grabs his phone, and plays music, wanting to feel even a glimpse of an emotion, but even his sensitivity towards music isn't working.

"I need to walk."

He goes and grabs his shoes, puts them on, puts his earphones in, and-

"Oh yeah… I can't walk without music, and the music isn't working for me right now."

He then tries to feel around his body, trying to pay attention to something other than his fever-like symptoms and heartburn.

"I need water."

He goes to the fridge and grabs a bottle.

He drinks the whole thing in less than 10 seconds.

He grabs another, and he drinks half of that.

He goes into the shower, expecting to start cold, but chickens out and starts warm which results in a wasted 30 minutes and still extremely pruned hands.

He goes over to the TV, and tries to find an an anime that he could be inspired into anticipating to watch, even if that kick of inspiration is short burst that lasts a fraction of a second.

Trying to become sensitive to anything, he tries to remember how he solved an issue like this in the past, and then, a key phrase from an anime echoes in his brain that he uses in correlation to the solving this exact issue: "Let go of everything.".

He tries to stop thinking and do nothing but observe his surroundings rather than rush constantly for no reason.

His mind becomes a little quiet, and he focuses on his breathe and bring his attention to his peripheral vision within his experience of what he sees.

"This moment is happening TO me.", he says to himself repeatedly in his head as a thought, which ironically distracts him away from his experience of the present moment.

After becoming aware of this fact, he taps back into a state, although lacking intensity, where he can begin to sense his surroundings once again.

"… I need a break."

He decides to put on an anime before he gets back into solving his dilemmas, because he's mind still isn't refreshed from the sleep before.

…