Emptiness, useless.

What is this husk I live in but a lie, I tend to forget how hopeless it all really is.

I am so empty, what is the purpose of it all, I don't really get it. But it all  works out in the  end doesn't it, well for those that keep on living.

Look  at it like this, you see the world from your viewpoint and so does everyone else, yet you see it on the news and obscure sources all the time. How easy it is to take or lose your life.

So I ask, what is the reason to keep on going?

I'm not saying this in any way shape or form in order to drag you or anyone down. 

But think, you, the most weak and feeble of thinking and self reflective creatures. How do you go on to do anything and not feel primal fear.

There is the poison that is in the air, slowly killing us all.

There is the poison we put in us that slowly disables our own organs and we do it voluntarily.

There is the off chance that your body will just give up on you and there is nothing you can do but watch.

Thus in the end  I am asking why do I feel nothing towards people getting ground up or killed.

Once we die and we all will, then what?

Our bodies will be out on display for whomever is doing whatever towards our bodies, in the name of embalming or preserving.

Our empty shell is out there and we can do naught to stop any of it.

You see a video of a person dying and yet you feel empty. 

You see a person dying in front of you whom you don't know, then what do you do?

You call the people who needs calling, for help or otherwise.

But in the end, did you really do it because you care and not as a societal duty?

If so, did you really care in the end?

And much more importantly, in the end will anyone really, truly care for you?

Why do I feel so empty, I don't rightfully know why. 

I just…

It feels so sad, not the uncaringness. 

But the emptiness, the emptiness is so sad.

If I were to choose I would like this emptiness instead of sadness because I don't want to come face to face with sadness.

Yet this emptiness leaves me lacking, I want the sadness but it's too much to bear for me on my own.

People say they feel depressed, I don't know what that feels like.

But I do know of  the constant loneliness and emptiness. 

I don't know if they are similar, but I hope they aren't.

Because I would never wish this constant emptiness be replaced with sadness upon anyone.

As it would bring too much pain for any sane person to bear for an extended period of time.

I understand that we are meant to care and to feel, but it just seems so pointless, taxing and in the end it's really hard to feel whereas being empty is so  much easier to be. 

As you can do so without  much if any recompense to your long time mental health.

There is another topic I rightfully can't grasp my mind around, mental health. 

I know of it's existence, but I haven't experienced it. 

Well not that I know of, at least the negative and positive sides of it. 

Just this constant meaningless and emptiness.

This might be a mental health problem, professionals might understand it but it's just so much easier to ignore it isn't it?

In the end I wonder what it's like to feel those extreme emotions, I do have emotions, I know of this.

Yet I haven't experienced the extremes.

I lose someone, then I barely shed a tear, I lose many and I am numb.

I see death, in media, in person and to those close to me, yet I am only numb.

I can't even cry, I wish to cry but it only surfaces sometimes.

And those sometimes is not enough to make it worth it.

I feel like crying writing this, I feel my emotions surging to the top, I feel like I will cry but I don't know if I will.

This brings me to tears, I wish that I could feel freely and that I could be emotional freely.

I want an outlet, no an outlet would be too vapid of meaning.

I want something or someone to put my trust into and to then have whatever thoughts or fears spilt unto, this is selfish I know. 

This is wrong, not because I will spill my emotions and be free

. 

But because I would weight down another and such is one of the most evil acts you can commit.

I am sorry for whoever reads this, as that means I have been selfish. 

That is if I do share of this, Which I don't know if I will.

I'm sorry, from the bottom of my rotten heart that I push grievances on you or anyone and as such I am sorry for my selfishness.

It just gets too much to bear sometimes, and by the end of it. Putting it into words in long form is easier to accomplish than actual valid results which might act as a positive benifit long term.

Once again I am sorry