A mad mans venture

A mad mans venture

There are alot of things which I despise, life, Luxury, things not going my way.

But above all I despise myself, although I may not be a whole man in any sense. 

I am a man of reason, reason of the soul, reason of the person. 

I know from which I am not, I am not a man of confidence. 

I have always been there yet not there, always being, never acting. 

I have been a monsour of thought, on my own accord. 

But never once have I been accepted to this degree.

My life has just started, but it has fallen steeped below the gallows of life and death.

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Is there really a point? If life is just a figment, a fragment, then what is the reason if not to shudder and freeze before the eternal ever after.

As if to torment me the ladder of life the tree which I stand upon begins to shake, what is there if not a borrow filled with regret.

Regret of which is ever festering, always on the move, never wavering in it's ever growing contempt.

There have been and always will be more, but what for? Is there any rime or reasons to this endless monotony of dredge and foul play.

In this world is there really such a thing as a fair life, a life void of meaningless existence, a life of thought and due diligence.

Of which there hasn't been before, if so then why is the sun so reclusive and bleak. If so then why is my world so cold and lonely, as if only to accentuate my distaste for man and it's cold uncaring exterior shell.

Then why is it that my life has fallen, that my view is dark and my life is devoid of meaning?

If not for this then what is there? I ask myself why, but I never say why.

I tell myself that there is a world out there of opportunity, but I never invest myself into this world.

All I do is sit and ponder as to why this world is a thing which I long for and why I will never reach it. But then I look towards the others, the ones like me, the forgotten the lesser ones forged in misery and dissonant circumstances.

People who once were caring, but which are now left to the streets, to themselves.

The people like me are left alone, bound to never interact with each other, but what if?

What if they do, and what if they like it. Degenerates begets degenerates and degenerates include degenerates.

One degenerate may be a common man to another while another degenerate may be a degenerate in the eyes of other degenerates.

A degenerate is therefore only a degenerate in the eyes of the observer and only through acknowledging this may a degenerate prosper with degenerates.

As a reverse hierarchy of degeneracy is formed the social conformities of normalcy is seen as superior, as the ladder of degeneracy is climbed and the acceptance of degenerates among degenerates is allowed the superiority of the most degenerate degenerates is inflated to a positively higher level.

But this is most often seen a more of a comical arrangement rather than a clear superior position.

In doing this the social structure is not disrupted but rather it is evolved, in the case of the most degenerate degenerate they will be ostracized by the members of the degenerates such as a degenerate would and a new hierarchy will be formed with normalcy as a main operative function.

In this procedure the social standards of the degenerates is elevated unto a level playing field where the more extreme degenerates are looked down upon.

Thus putting the degenerates on a platform where normal human societal interactions are encouraged in doing so the degenerates are more or less cleansed from their moral distaste for themselves projecting it on the most degenerate degenerate.

As of this moment the degenerates still look upon themselves as degenerates and less than, but they will be more forthcoming and accepting of other degenerates.

This is in other words a development to the degenerates as the degenerates will slowly form a much more morally acceptable social view in comparison to the now morally reprehensible degenerate, which was used as a conduit for the degenerates to let out their bad will.

As this is an example of right or wrong in the positions of degenerates the definition of a degenerate to these degenerates will be elevated to another level of degeneracy as they are used to worse degeneracy than other people.

As these people interact with less degenerate persons, the degeneracy will act like a plague or a poison slowly corrupting people of normal social aptitudes unto their degenerate ways as the mere presence of a degenerate is enough to change a person of normal thought unto a degenerate in the degenerate ways.

In this sense a degenerate can almost be seen as a cancer or a disease which should be eradicated.

Although degenerates are a very potent danger the danger of self should not be excluded from the conversation as the danger of self is the most pressing opposition to the well being of all and self. 

As I act as though I am in the right state of mind I am broken but whole, a doll that is mimicking the actions of man when there is nothing left for me to accomplish, all the while there being everything for me to accomplish.

Masks the masks of redemption, the masks that support the fallen, broken and the mad.

Masks are the pillars of our life and the ground on which we stand upon, if masks are not in place our land will fall unto disarray and our people will falter.

If life was as fleeting as a mask then our people would fall and out life would crumble like the sand on a beach made of grains, grains of black horrid quicksand and there is nothing in which I could do.

I scare, scare of the thought of life being nothing but a farce of death and hope. Hope begets nothing but a diversion to death as life and hope is only temporary while death is eternal.

I hope for truth but truth only comes at the cost of a mad man rambling.

Life is but a farce where mad men howl at the inability to speak unto others as they speak unto them, as the minutes pass mad men grow and take control over us as if they where the superior individual in this world of madness.

But they only stray from the path as they ensue the halting of the individual that is self.

Why would mad men dance with the sane men as if they are mad when the mad men of this world stray and pierce the similize in this world that are part of the sane ones.

Now I must admit to the populace that this is but a temporary dwelling, one of which there is no escape of and now that the truth is deified life will delve into a direction where I betrothed the lust of which I hide in the current engagement which I have to life.

I preach the words of madness yet I am no such thing, madness in practice a development of insanity.

But I am not insane, there are worlds far apart which will never collide while also always colliding.

We live in a world of collision, a world in which we stave of help while colliding with the things which we hate the most, therefore life is a mad collision and nothing can escape it.

We are always destined to collide yet never truly colliding, as collision always begets conflict, life will never prosper as long as collisions appear.

As such we must stray from the impossible path that is non-collision and accept the futility of the collision. 

Now where is the man in which I trust my hands to? Is it me or is it he, is it futile to Concede to the end and trust in the man at the precipice of rule.

Now is it right to do that? Or are you following his rule, why would you do that if not to assert your piety in his rule.

Now is there still piety if you disallow yourself to be under rule or is that his might and rule. Now if you have free will and are under his rule are you still accountable to the actions of skin and blood or is the actions of the spirit the ultimate judge to the actions of man.

Now why would you disobey in his might? Was it out of arrogance in which the ignorant hold or was It out of pure stupidity in which you held your trust.

Life is a cruel mistress, one night you shall see pure unadulterated hope elated to the maximum degree and the next you find it crushes by the hand of fate due to your inactivity and the harsh reality begins to set in.

Due to your hope and actions, reality is dark cruel and soulless.

The lifeless mistress that is reality will always be there to destroy the hope in which one holds their complete desires and to this I applaud the inevitability of my work on this earth as a groundless pittance on my lives worth and value.

The small relief comes in the form of useless indulgence in pleasure and lust.

But I have no person to give or exchange this lust with and therefore I am formless without a shape which shall satiate my unending lust for self indulgence and self hatred.

Now I am empty and full a shell with no contour or flesh, a being devoid of hope and filled with groundless hubris and unfounded hope in principle of self and unconfined belief on the principle of the self never betraying the whole.

Now I trust in my bodily duty of living and therefore no harm will be dealt to me from me.

To be the final precipice of which can be called order is a maddening duty which would drive even the most of devout preachers insane, a duty of impossible merit which will never lead to salvation of either the body or the soul.

As life is beget to unfortunate events through the body of lies a singular truth of which can penetrate even through death as it pierces the veil is formed, one of immeasurable density and course value is fixes upon this wretched earth.

For now I am one with the dead and one I shall be until the ends of the earth and forth to the beginning of the meaning which I strive to move towards.

The birth of desolate despair is the renewal of the force which is called love, now I Preface by mentioning the futility of it all and the curse which can be called life.

Now I supersede the duty of a protector and fulfil my destruction.

A destruction which always leads to the rise in the ever growing hate in the human condition which I shall bear.

Now I wallow in the unending loneliness in which I shall bear responsibility towards and therefore I am mad, mad at the prospect of my unaltered humanity and the end of which I shall always strive towards but as I have seen in the light of life.

I shall always wallow alone in this dark plane of being, one which I shall never be saved from as I am destined to stay in this darkness til I shrivel up and die of this condition which I find myself in.

I am a man of tuition in the field of death and science, since the life in which I lead there are many trepidations which are in relation to the matter of death and monetary credentials.

Where upon I live in fruitless temptation and constant friction, now I am a man of fortune but soon I am a man of ventures aplenty, now I am a lying constant of ever changing volition, though I am half, I am full in to the masses which lead a life of misery and pertinent destruction to my lovely matters many of which are gone in the passive search for myself indulgent past.

Now I crave for this life's slower pastimes, all the while waiting for my pastimes of true horror and vague memory to grow in accord to my hatred ever after.

Now I question the intentions of the maker and his plans for my life, this is the case for the me of this now and I believe that my case is a case of truth in which I endeavour and indulge in to make my truth whole, now I believe as I trust in the case of the lord.

Why did I trust, why did I cause this life to draw upon the earth, now I lie in the dirt eating the spills of the lies in which I wallow because the truth lies in my eyes. 

Why is it that the shallow man is the man of opportune opportunity, why is it that the man of no fortune is the man which lays in the ground crying for his hopes, dreams and cravings when the man of some fortune is of full control of the inevitability.

Now I see, the lies in which I have seen through it was not the calm in the dark that disturbs my sleep and the cause of misfortune but the graves upon which the bodies I have dug are lain in.

Now is the period of truth and exploration, now is the time for our kind to rise up upon the close calls of death and cry for the sky as we no longer bear the responsibilities which bound the foundation of our land.

Now I cry then I wallow, finally leading to the destitute cry for help in which I give of to the clear eyes in the dark which I give a cry to, now I die then I go into the darkness with a smile as the darkness observes and accepts degenerates.

My eternal soul may be destined for death and torture at the hands of fate, my soul is not crying on the terms that I give, instead they dry on the shallow lakes in which I darken my hairs upon.

Next is the time for evolution of mind, naturally I cry for the opportunity of death, but recently I have secretly hoped for it, never really truthfully saying that I want to die when I want to kill myself.

I have a secret hope for my end as my life is filled with terror to a point of horrifying my everlasting soul therefore I have given up on the hope in which life is a part of and now I life my life in a hermit like mannor never giving myself to the project in life.

Here I say, hear I go Here I feel, now I fell then I swallowed. Give yourself to the things in which you drown in and kill your own person and ego in the pursuit of losing the pain, I have never really wanted to do these things but then again why do we really do things, I have always really never tried.

But I live in perpetual lies, I want to stop the lying and show my true self, but the pain and the anxiety of doing it stops me from doing anything.

I lie and lie and lie and lie, why am I so stupid I never fucking said anything to anyone I am so fucking lonely I hate myself and everything I have never done.

I have never fucking done anything my existance has never caused anything except pain I want to stop I want to do it, I want to kill myself truthfully I want to do it, but I am to much of a fucking pussy, I'm a pussy a fucking pussy to the highest fucking degree I want to I want to I want to I fucking wanna kill myself but I can't I am a pussy fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I am a pussy pussy pussy pussy ahhhhhhhhhhhhh why can't I not be a fucking pussy hahahahahha I have never done anything to stop it I can't not be a pussy…

But only when It comes to doing stuff in relation to people which does not involve violence why?

I do not know, I can't reason with people I can't communicate, Am I fucking stupid or something I cry but never with my eyes, never with my eyes they remain dry they are always dry never crying never raining always blue I don't know why I am this way therefore I cry.

(I fixed it up a bit so its more readable, last part is unfixable (lol) but I'll keep it as is just because it's how I wrote it at the time and remembering where you were and where you are now is better than making it pretty n stuff)