Chapter 1

Jieah

I've been roaming the streets, walking aimlessly. The feeling of deja vu crept in. The same worst feeling I've had when my mother passed away when I was fourteen. Muddled emotions are hard to sort. Sure, I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But if I do, I know I will not be able to stop myself from crumbling. There's no one to help me right now, my uncle's a few continents away. Davin and Henry are surely now in Cebu, doing their usual Saturday night activities leisurely.

I stared at the starless night. How I dream to be in the mountain's summit basking into the darkness of the evening. To see those tiny lights illuminating the dark sky, twinkling, giving you a mesmerizing feeling of home. Of comfort. Of a familiar, safe feeling. Amidst the tranquil night sky, I yearn to immerse myself. I long to surrender my turbulent thoughts to the gentle embrace of those serene surroundings.

Is there any way my life would go back the way it was before? The absence of the people I loved gives me a powerful slap of the void that now lingers, a constant reminder of irreplaceable loss that tears me apart. I'm adrift to the sea of solitude, cast into a deep somber pall.

I'm tired.

Why can't I be with them?

This is frustrating.

I should have gone with them.

I should have died too.

It's not like I've ever killed somebody to deserve losing everyone. I've done things to hurt others but not to a point of killing them. I mostly do things to protect myself and I see no wrong in that.

I shouldn't shove people away. I was supposed to be begging Davin and Henry, instead, I just really had to hurt them that made them go. Maybe I was too much in distress and afraid that if they continue to linger around, I will lose them too. They would inflict the same pain. Maybe I became too defensive that I started taking the initiative to make the remaining people I have left with me to go away.

In the realm of my existence, I have always been content in the shadows, untouched by the yearning for others' attention. Yet, as the stars align and fate weaves its intricate tapestry, I find myself unsettled in this moment, for there exists no soul to whom I can humbly beseech, leaving an ache within my being. I should have not relinquished my rights and not suffer this deepest and troublesome heart's regret, as I ponder the missed opportunity to relentlessly pursue their attention. The echoes of unspoken words and unfelt touches reverberate within me, reminding me of the profound depths of affection left unexplored. Alas, the realization dawns upon me now, whispering the profound truth that the depth of my longing could have kindled a love beyond measure, had I only mustered the courage to persistently besiege their heart.. I'm so glad I didn't withhold Toni's request on his deathbed. Those few years I've spent with Toni, my best friend, were one of my redeeming years to be happy despite all that happened to my mother and unconventional relationship of my now late father. Everyone has left me. My family, him. Maybe it was good after all that I had cut ties with my only known cousin Davin from my mother's side and Henry our friend. Both of them are my childhood fellas back in Cebu. It is where we live back when Mira's alive, she's my mom, she doesn't want to be called anything. Got beaten many times because I tried calling her mom and mama. I only tried copying my classmates the same thing they call their mothers because it sounded a lot more special than just by calling her name. She said she's cool that way, to be called just Mira. My dad has no say about it, since he's chicken when it comes to Mira.

I miss her. I miss her so bad. I wish she's here with me right now, caressing my hair as I lay on her lap. I am actually half sober, trying so badly to find my way back to the hotel. There were now so many images flashing in my mind. Memories, fuzzy, far beyond my reach. My head groggy from too much intoxication of the drinks I had. I've been circling the city square. Where's that F-ing hotel again? I should just have stayed there.

Dad's usually grumpy. He's different from me and Mira, he's the noisy one. He's the one who tries to make me and Mira talk. He had a mining business in Surigao which made him swarmed with so many enemies. Gladly, Mira's been protecting him back when she's still alive. Though, after she passed away, I got involved in his business. Been used to be a blackmail to my dad by his few oppositions. Kidnapped multiple times, got into fights because of it. I always got away though, and the few times I saved my father's butt.

I was raised differently back in Cebu. A street life, Mira's been exposing me to thugs and danger. While other kids were playing their dolls and toy cars, I've been learning how to defuse bombs with my life always in the line, or even how to make one from scratch. Have been memorizing different weapons and been learning how to make one be knocked unconscious with them twice my size. Even after moving into a different lowly city, my life's still different. I'm not good with expressing my feelings with my dad and he was also grieving with Mira so I became a street urchin. We're really not anything like what the usual family does. When we moved here in Mindanao, however I became close with my cousins, his nephews. They're the 'bad influence'. Before the massacre incident, we used to hang out every time. Got involved with minor league gangs and a few city crimes. The thrill keeps me moving. Saved me from my 'kill myself' plans and the everyday difficulty to get away from my intrusive thoughts.

Finally, my head is failing me, everything around me is spinning. I need to find a corner where I can sleep for a while. The buildings around me swirl in motion. I found a stairway. I crawl behind it and lean my head against the wall. My consciousness slowly drifted just as I put my hands on the straps of my gun..

I woke up when multiple thuds of the steps in the staircase started to increase. I got disoriented at first to find myself in that small unfamiliar place.

A severe pain in my head hit me at once. I checked my phone, it's dead. Some guy might have noticed my presence under the stairs, his attention unmistakable, as indicated by the presence of his advancing shadow, drawing nearer to where I am.. I unstrapped my gun and pointed it to him as his head peek. His confidence shifted to looking petulant. I stood up slowly, testing my balance as I did. He raised his hands unhurriedly and then stepped back. When he's sure of his running distance to the street, he sprinted away immediately. I strapped back the gun and headed to the hotel I was staying.

*****

It's already past midnight, it's been a few days since I came back to the hotel with a very serious hangover. My back, sore from driving the whole day. I was heading southwest with a forge license and car registration and other documents. I was able to pass every border checkpoint without having the authorities look twice on my forgery. I also had to cross-dress and do temporary body alterations just to be able to travel. Not only was the government after me, but some government-working-communist. I don't know who they are, I could be talking to one without knowing that they are already devising different ways to kill me. I am looking for my mother's family having no idea where. I am looking for my mother's family having no idea where.

When I was a child, Mira always told me stories. I thought it was a made-up story. But now that I am older, those stories fit together like a puzzle in my head. Only, one puzzle gets to another. She would tell me about this beautiful but terrifying place. Within the confines of its sea of trees, this place stood as a sanctuary, shielded from the relentless tumult of the outside world. It was a haven, untouched by the chaos that ebbed and flowed beyond its protective embrace. Here, time seemed to be different, the outside pressures fading into insignificance as the serenity of this sheltered space enveloped all who sought solace within its grasps. Within these hallowed boundaries, the outside chaos of the city was muted. It's a place hard to get infiltrated and difficult to get out of. She said, it was her confinement, her prison and her safe. When I was two, she brought me there, that's why it's real. It's been the place of my dreams, people in that place always visit me in my oblivion.

She had to bring me there, not that she chose to. No matter where she is, she is bound to that place. Unable to escape from the invisible knot that tied her to it. She wanted a different life for me so she surrendered me to the Hukbo. They grant me freedom from the curse my mother had endured. But I don't know the price my mother paid. Was it lives? Lives my mother had encountered. That's why, whatever this is, I need to find out. Know for myself the situation I am in, and figure my next step.

No matter where I was, they will find ways to get me from my mother if she did not presented me to the council of leaders of the Hukbo. I always remember remarkable people that keeps visiting me back in Cebu. One of the reason why my dad had to bring me to his hometown and faced his father whom he had resented on was to get me away from the people that kept pursuing me and mom.

The bus which I am embarked stopped at Iligan's bus station, a voice from the back of my mind told me something's never been right. I left my car in Malaybalay Bukidnon in case I might need it back, then I took a bus to Iligan. It is where I am meeting Vincent. He claimed to be Mira's cousin. He's the only active contact Mira had on her phone. I don't know if I should trust him, but what choice do I have?

When she left the place of her past, she started a new life in Cebu with my dad and had me. And I need to know if it had anything to do with the massacre of my Dad's whole family. Why did they get involved? What does Mira have anything to do with it? Does her leaving the Hukbo upsets her family and resorts to killing my Dad's family along with him? Was there another party involved? That's the only purpose I can set for myself right now. To find out what's really going on.

The Hukbo is the communist group where Mira's from. And all I know is that they are an interrelated family. What binds them together, are family relations. That makes them strong and powerful communist group in the country. I need to get into the Hukbo that protects my grandparents. It is the only way I could get to them. The Hukbo is our family empire, Mira told me once. They were not the founder but my family is important to the Hukbo because it's what binds the Lumad to the council. Our family was married into different Lumad groups so that the Hukbo could gain influence from them. Mira gained the title of a chief after she became a leader of the Hukbo. She became exempted from the rules to have an arranged marriage after she received the position. Which she forcefully imply. Aside from the communist party that was led by my family, there's another communist empire which might also be the suspect on my other side of the family's massacre. That's what I need to know. Or at least the command I'm giving to myself to keep me going back to a motionless state.

I never had trusted Vicente. I told him I'm Almira's daughter who wanted to meet the grandparents. That's when he announced he is her cousin, he only told me to take a bus to Iligan and met him there. Right from the beginning, everything is fishy about him, but I can't pinpoint what is it exactly. My mind quickly formulated a plan seconds before the bus left the second stop before the final station where I am meeting Vicente. I grabbed my bag and duffel from the compartment, got down from the bus and hired a taxi. I reached the station ahead of the bus I was in and waited for it to arrive.

I took a few deep breaths, it's already two thirty in the morning. There are already a clump of passengers waiting. It's getting stuffy from where I was sitting, I constantly rub my palms to my pants. The air is getting moist, it's probably going to rain soon. The terminal is busy, especially the stalls that sell coffee, candies and some snacks. The wail of a crying baby can be heard nearby, while the mother is frantically preparing the formula and the dad tries to hush the baby.

I grab my thermo flask and pour my favorite powdered chocolate milk drink, I took from the hotel. After a long moment, staring to a far distance while trying to shut the baby's sharp cry, I chug the whole thing and head for the restroom. Public restrooms, especially on bus stations, require an access fee, or might demand you to give a donation. I went to the counter, handed a twenty peso bill to the lady who was busy talking to someone over the phone. I did not bother getting my change and left carrying my duffel bag and strap my backpack on my right shoulder.

Inside the cubicle, my keypad-phone vibrates, it is the burner phone I'd bought just as I left. Messages flashed on the screen demanding where I am, then non stop calls followed. It confirms my suspicion, the bus didn't reach the terminal, yet he already knows that I'm not in it. I'm silently expressing my gratitude to my instincts. I turned off the phone and noticed that there was a bundle of cash in the trash bin.

There's no way this is a joke. No, it could not be any prank. Can it?

There is a transaction going on in this restroom. And I could be in the middle of it right now. I hurriedly zipped my pants. Drop the burner phone in the bin and throw my empty bottles and snack wrappers with it.

I remove my jacket realizing that I am sweating heavily that I could feel the damp part of my armpits. I change into a sleeveless and then head outside the cubicle realizing it's useless because the chest binder is wet from the inside. I wash my hands and splash water straight to my face, the cold water comforts me a little and stops my panting. Outside the cubicles is this huge trash bin beside the sink. Trust issues arose. I look around and then listen if there is anyone with me inside, it is dead quiet. Realizing that something is not right, with me or whatever that is happening or going to happen in this public comfort room. No this is definitely not any ordinary trash bin.

Normal people call the police when they find trash filled with cash, not conceal them. Normal situation will not make your heart beat abnormally like it would jump out of its rib cage any minute. Normal garbage can contain trash, not money or drugs or guns . I guess normal is never going back, not after I enlisted in the army academy and had someone mistakenly called me Monica. Not just someone, but a convict- renowned revolutionist. Military officials quickly interrogated and investigated me, about my family and my family history.

Monica is one of Mira's code names. Only a few people called her Mira, since only few people knew her as Mira. I had to tell them her cover story we tell to other people, even to my father. She was from an orphanage in Cebu since she was young, that's why she never had any family or close relations. She and Dad met there and when she died, Dad had to bring me here, in his hometown to restart our life. My mother died in a car accident. She was driving to Busay when she fell off a cliff, the car exploded with her. There's not much of her remains that we could salvage but somehow we managed to have her ashes to mourn on. There's no way they found out anything about my mother. She already got into serious investigations, and she has never been caught. She was always thorough with her papers, my father doesn't even have any idea about her being a communist or anything about her life.

After being under observation inside the academy, my father and his whole family got killed, the news welcomes me one Monday morning after serving detention for the whole weekend, the general called me to his office and told me the grave news and allowed me to go home, they told me that my whole family was massacred by the revolutionary-communist people and no one survive.

That's not the truth. There's a real reason why my grand dad, aunts and uncle's whole family got involved. I don't think my mother's family killed my father's family, the army are concealing things, few officers died during an 'encounter' the same night that my dad's family got murdered. Of course, my dad's family wouldn't go down without a fight, still all of them got killed and also a few people that worked with my family. I'm surprised the army didn't label them as the communist, maybe they are planning something more. My grandfather was turning ninety that Sunday and the whole family, including me were to go to my grandfather's villa. It was an intimate celebration as per my Gado requested, it's the grandchildren called him. We had an argument with my father before I left home to serve the army. So attending the celebration that weekend was a debated subject over my head multiple times before I got detention for fighting with my barracks mate. They accused me of being a spy and all the awful things they called me after the incident of one of the captured revolutionists mistakenly identifying me as their own. So I was not able to go home, the general said I should be thankful for the detention and declare his "deepest condolences'. My tears did not betray me and stayed where they should be while I was inside the barracks until I was inside the taxi hugging the white teddy bear wearing army clothes, it is what my four-year old cousin sent me once. I clung onto it tightly while heading home. It's the only thing I brought with me and some cash stuffed inside the teddy bear. I left my other clothes, packed inside my issued duffel bag along with my uniforms and shoes, even if I don't have any intentions of returning to that barracks.

Though Mira said her whole family doesn't have any idea who she was married to. I'm confident that they would not resort to killing my dad's whole family.

I buried my dad, cousins, aunts, uncles and Gado, there were only four of us who attended the funeral. The caskets are more than the people attending the funeral. The uncle whom I never met was there, he is the one who took care of the formalities and legalities for the ceremony. Upon my arrival, he promptly ordered the commencement of the ceremony, sparing me the need for respite. It proved beneficial, for I was not burdened with the luxury of time to grieve. There should not be a coffin too small, yet my cousin Abby was there inside. I gave her back the stuffed toy she gave me. I did not bother trying to locate where my Father was, but I'm sure he would be beside my Mira's grave. Despite all the mental shouts I did to myself, a tear escaped and a sobbed broke out from my throat. Davin was there, he pulled me into a half hug and Henry patted me on the back…

Uncle George, is one of the fifteen siblings of my father. He's an outcast among them. I heard from Michael, one of my cousins from my dad's side, he ran away from home after having a huge fight with Gado about their business. Lucky for him, he got safe from the massacre. Maybe if we hadn't come here, everyone would still be alive. I knew it. We shouldn't have left Cebu.

After some time, Uncle George, leads us to his SUV when a group of press and news reporters emerge from the eerie cemetery. I'm surprised it took them so long before they interrupt us. Maybe Uncle George has connections and want to have a peaceful burial ceremony. Apparently it's not enough to contain the noses of the media. He brought us to a hotel and booked us to a private space restaurant. That's when he started to form a small chat.

"I never had any close relations with any of my siblings, particularly your father. I never had the chance to know my younger siblings after I ran away from home. Tatay always asked me to go home every year on his birthdays to reconcile, but I never had the heart to. I'll be handling the family businesses from now on including your father's- he told me as he looked up, but I pretended to not notice and continued to stare at the condensing glass of ice water- but we had to be close from now on, I don't have any heir of my own. You have to decide when you want to have the companies in the future, if you want to continue to serve the military or study business in the states with me. I'm handling a few companies of my own in Taiwan and in the US so I'll be staying there for a while and just come here from time to time…. to check on you and our firms."

"I don't want to be checked, I'll call you when something might interest you with my life. I'll be doing neither what you've mentioned..... For now I wish to be alone."

"If that's what you want. You can live here for the time being, I'll ask someone to bring you your things. But I need you to decide what to do sooner than you can. The world did not stop when yours did. There are still things you can do Jieah, things our family wasn't able to do. Find it and live it for them and for yourself.`` He then arranged my room and services that I needed, handed me some cash and cards then left.

Henry and Davin booked rooms in the same hotel. That night, they dragged me outside to breathe fresh air. We managed to have fun at first, but as the night dragged on, loneliness crept in and I exploded unto them.

"Don't you see Davin? Nothing's going to be okay! You keep saying that it is, but it just won't f-ing not! Almost everyone in my family died because of me! Don't wait until you two follow them! You have it so easy because you are not in my shoes! It's not gonna be as easy as you said it to be. It won't be as easy as to grieve for them and move on! Go and enjoy your easy lives! *#@! % stupid! I wish you were never born as my cousin. And you worthless friend of a mother f*&%@%* %&@ch! Why were you here anyway?! I don't need you!" I trashed the table before me and threw them things I've got a hold of.

I left them in the building and headed to the hotel we were staying in. They've been knocking on my door for the next two days and then by the third day I saw them leaving from the balcony of the hotel.