Sasuke Uchiha's guide to an unhealthy ninja life

Limbo was not like everyone told him it would be. There wasn't an infinite gray desert covered by deceitful giant dunes where the souls of the lost and the meek wondered without any other purpose but existing until the day of the final judgment, their only form of entertainment be holding useless, if somewhat insightful, conversations with the great philosophers from the old, like the honest Socrates, the poor Diogenes, the illustrious Platon, etc. The souls of non-baptized whose only sin wasn't even commited by them weren't anywhere to be seen. In fact, there wasn't a single soul but him in this place.

Normally, that would be easily explained by saying that the purgatory was supposed to be a personal and unique experience for every individual in it.

"Want some more sugar, dear?" The soul nodded, or did the equivalent thing that a bodiless soul could do, to his host's kind offer.

Sadly, that theory wasn't enough to explain why his personal afterlife consisted in having tea with David Bowie. Technically, David explained that He was actually God merely taking the form of the greatest man in humankind's history because a simple human soul's feeble mind couldn't comprehend His infinite magnificence. But the soul wouldn't be surprised at all if David Bowie was actually God. That would certainly explain a few things.

The divine figure of David Bowie stirring tea did wonders to relieve the traumatic experience that soul suffered a few hours ago. Just this morning a drunk truck driver had the brilliant idea of isekai'd him as a birthday present. The only problem was that it wasn't his birthday....and the driver didn't have a truck...and he wasn't really a driver. Ok, maybe it would healthier to admit that a random guy hit him in the with a car battery after he told him while drunk that Worm was somewhat overrated.

"As I was saying, my child, given your very VERY particular set of morals, neither Lucy nor I could decide on who would take your soul." His majestic voice was as sweet to anyone ears as angel's spittle. "We ended up throwing a coin."

"So, you won and here I am."

"I lost." He corrected with a tired smirk.

While the fate of his immortal soul being decided in a game of chance should have made him a bit angry, it was just impossible for a creature with any kind of sex drive to hold a grudge against that stupid handsome face of His. The soul was heterosexual enough to admit that he was totally gay for David Bowie.

"And that is why you are now free to choose if you want take part of the eternal bliss that is my kingdom…or get isekai'd. Personally, I recommend the latter option."

"Oh, that seems fun...wait a minute, are you offering me that alternative because you don't want me anywhere near the paradise?"

"Yes." He answered completely unfazed by the question.

Well, nobody could accuse David Bowie, aka God, of not being honest.

"Great, now that you have decided. Do you have any question left?"

The soul raised a hand (Not literally of course, being a soul implied an annoying lack of limbs to do gestures and an inability to punch people, but God seemed to notice his intend). David Bowie gave him a single nod and gentle smile with his sexy, sexy face.

"Before you send me off, could you do the thing? Pretty please?" The soul's concurrent lack of a face made performing the legendary puppy eyes technique a challenge, but that didn't stop him from trying.

"Normally, I would deny the request because I really dislike you, but I do love doing the thing." The most beautiful being in all creation clapped his hand. "Michael, turn up the music."

"Yes, my Lord." Said a voice that was weirdly similar to Morgan Freeman. Which, again, wasn't surprising all things considered.

What happened next was the most wonderful thing mortal eyes (again, not literally, since being a soul and stuff) have ever had the pleasure to admire. This might had been the purgatory, but right at that moment, listening at the tender and literally divine music and watching such a perfect dance that no mortal could hope to imitate, it felt like heaven. The soul was so distracted by such a marvelous gift to his unworthy sight that he forgot to ask to NOT be isekai'd to a pseudo Japan wannabe universe.

..........................

In the beginning there was black accompanied by a heavy silence that sooner than latter was broken by an incessant cry.

When the soul, now a baby, opened his eyes for the first time in this new life of his and saw a six years old Itachi Uchiha staring at him with a mix of curiosity and unadulterated happiness, the first thought that came to his mind was:

´I really hope that they speak English.´