Failed Celibacy

I was once a little girl who also longs for love. After all, who in this world is truly born to be alone?

I have a good family, good natured friends, and a good academic track. As long as I stay true to my principles and graduate successfully in my chosen degree, love will come naturally—

"I'm going to abstain from falling in love," I declared one day, while sitting under the eaves of a giant tree in our university. Me and my friends usually hang out here whenever we had free time. After all, going out of the university to drink would be pricey. It's better to just stay on campus and relax together.

"What? Are you going crazy due to the pressure of the final exams, Eula? I remember during seniors, you shouted at the Jawi Cliffs that you'd get a good boyfriend during university!" Emma, a good friend of mine from high school, commented with a bewildered face.

I gently smiled with a calm expression. I have achieved enlightenment. I would not be moved by worldly matte—

"Her crush confirmed his relationship last week," someone mercilessly revealed my dark secret.

I whipped my head to see the person who said it; it was Jennifer, a friend from another degree.

"Ohhh, that varsity player in volleyball? What's his name again? I think its Jere—"

Bianca, a short haired girl with glasses, teased but I interrupted her by covering her mouth. Seriously, can't they just stop teasing me? I'm being serious here!

"Anyways, I can fall in love, but I won't engage in a relationship," I quickly revised my declaration as they might find some loopholes through it again. They're like hyenas who smelled blood and would chase after it like crazy, or maybe I used the wrong metaphor?

I looked away as Emma stared at me extensively. I really can't take her pointed stares at me.

"Have you been triggered by your roommate again? Next month would be Valentines, she must have been feeding you dog food with her boyfriend, huh?" she asked firmly, as if assured that she's right and that I was instigated by a certain roommate to declare my no-relationship status.

"N-no, I just realized some things and figured that not being in a romantic relationship would be better," I sighed.

"Eu, just because everyone around you is in a relationship doesn't mean that you should get pressured to get into a relationship. That kind of thing comes naturally, or maybe you'll even get married before the three of us. Who knows? Life is full of mysteries, and romantic relationships is just one of the aspects in life," Jennifer tried to be as deep in her nagging as ever, but all she did is to drive a sword through my chest. It hurts.

"Are you trying to comfort me or torture me?" I asked, with a deadpan expression. Bianca and Emma giggled in the background while Jennifer tried to awkwardly diffuse the atmosphere she created unintentionally. Louise, on the other hand, silently flipped a page from the book she's reading. She seemed disinterested on the subject of relationships.

She and I are the only ones that are single among us five friends. 

Hais. I still remember our big circle of friends during high school. All of us vowed to be single until college graduation. Out of us six, only Emma, Rou and I managed to get into this university, with Rou entering a different campus than Emma and me. The other three stayed back in our home province and enrolled in different degree programs.

Now, Emma had a boyfriend during our second year, the other three back home also got their own boyfriends, while Rou and I stayed loyal to the vow and stayed single. Or maybe it was just because I didn't manage to find myself a boyfriend? Rou is a very dedicated student. She won't be swayed by love before studies.

"Anyway, what got you into the thought of not being in a relationship? You do know that people of our generation are refraining from marriage and forming a family. But that's because the population is booming and due to other societal issues. You've got a good family, your parents support and dote on you, and you study in a prestigious university in the country. What's gotten into you all of a sudden declaring forever singledom?" Bianca asked.

I stayed silent.

I can't just tell them that it's not because my boy crush finally confirmed his girlfriend last week, alright? I already had this decision when I saw a post in the account I was following since high school. Of course, they don't know that I frequent that account.

"Hmm, Eula, are… are you still holding on… to your first love?" I widened my eyes at Emma's question.

Of the five of us friends in university, she's the only one who went to the same high school as me. She also knew about my dark history where I cried to our circle of friends about my biggest heartbreak.

"Oh!!! There's a history! Come on! Tell us about it!" Jennifer, smelling the scent of an old gossip, quickly ran to Emma's side to inquire. I shook my head hard towards Emma to ask her for pity not to tell. She looked at me wordlessly, as if trying to find out if I was lying or not.

I sighed heavily, earning Jennifer's attention and Bianca who shifted her notice towards me. Louise also closed her book and seemed intent on listening.

"I moved on. Really. I won't be affected by it anymore. And besides, we're not meant to be," I straightforwardly answered.

It did hurt a lot at first. Having been rejected by someone you like can be quite painful. It hurt so much that I thought that I wouldn't be able to live. Every time I see the other person, I remember the rejection and the pain. I also held hopes deep within my heart that maybe after graduation in college, we might meet again, and I can get another chance. But this hope got destroyed by the news I got a few months ago. Now, I can hardly feel a thing. 

"Eula, how about this? We can go for a drink just this once. You can let it all out, girl. Keeping your feelings all inside won't be good for your mental health. The final exams are near and if you can't focus, it'll affect your graduation," Emma went forward to pat me in the back.

I sniffed a little. My tears won't fall because I already shed them all long ago, so I'm only sniffing because I got touched by my friends' concern.

So, as a qualified friend, I agreed to their offer and we drank at a nearby night club! It's time to play hard before the finals!

I woke up the next day with a headache. I groaned as I moved around in bed to look for my phone. But it was not a phone I felt but a human body.

Widening my eyes, I gasped as I found someone on my bed, naked! I also looked downwards to see myself naked. There's also a peculiar feeling in my nether regions and in my neck and chest area. I felt an ominous premonition.

I know my sexual preferences since my first love, so there's no way that the someone on my bed would be male. Then it can only be female. But was it a stranger? Or maybe someone I know?

I prayed to all the gods out there for this someone be a stranger. I can't bear the shame if its someone I know!

"Hmm, you awake, Eu?" a familiar, hoarse voice shattered all my illusions. I closed my eyes in despair.

Out of all my friends who drank with me last night, why is it Louise?!

I bit my lips, trying hard to remember what happened last night. But no matter what, I can only remember up to the third glass of wine that I drank! Do I really have such a low alcohol tolerance?!

"L-louise, wh-what happened?" I asked in helplessness. Oh gosh! Did I just prey on my friend?! Where are my morals when I need them?!

"Oh. It was such a wonderful night," I shivered at the implications of that sentence. Louise! Have you gone mad?!

The person under the quilt seemed to be as soft as jelly as she hugged me and snuggled against my waist.

"Eu. It's Saturday. We can stay on bed for a few more hours," it was not an opinion. It was a statement.

My insides trembled. There's a reason as to why I'm fine with sleeping with a stranger rather than sleep with Louise. Because… she was my ex-girlfriend that I used before to forget my first love. Our entanglement happened during our freshmen years but broke up during our sophomore when she shifted her program degree. It was me who proposed to break up. She calmly accepted the end of our relationship and we hid it from our other friends.

Without waiting for my reply, Louise dragged me back to bed and did a lot of R18 stuff.

My voice was so hoarse after the almost never-ending sessions. I never knew that Louise is talented in that area!

Looking blankly at the white ceiling of Louise's room, I laid on the bed like a salted fish. A few minutes later, Louise entered the room with a bowl of freshly made porridge.

"Shameless," I accused, with my hoarse voice.

Louise only chuckled as she offered to feed me porridge. I did not decline and obediently ate what she offered. After I managed to get some energy back, I looked at her with accusing eyes.

"You said that you already moved on, Eu. Give me a chance to enter your heart, hmm?" she coaxed. My lips stayed as thin as a line.

"You might have acquired my body, but you will never get my heart," I coldly answered. Louise did not get fazed but chuckled once more.

"That's why I'm asking for a chance to do so," Louise sat on the bed next to me and kissed me on the cheeks, then softly moved to kiss me on the lips.

I did not resist. She's such a good kisser. I would not wrong myself from getting some benefits.

When her hands were about to wander off again, I quickly stopped her.

"Seduction is useless. I have already decided to not get into a romantic relationship," I adamantly refuse to be seduced by her. It feels like I'm losing if I let myself get seduced.

"Then let's do a simple bed relationship. You do know about Stockholm Syndrome, right? I'll take your body hostage that you won't have any other choice except to long for my touches. Mark my words, Eu. You'll beg for me," she squinted her eyes as she kissed my left palm softly.

I will not admit that my heart missed a beat for a moment there.

I slowly took back my hand from hers. Then I stood from the bed without shame as the quilt that covers my body stayed on the bed. I then picked up my clothing around and went to the bathroom to wash myself.

The next few weeks after that remained the same, except that Louise would sometimes look at me with a meaningful glance. And whenever I went to the toilet, she would follow me, corner me, and kiss me.

It was both a pleasure and an annoyance. On one hand, I enjoyed the kisses. On the other hand, I wanted to quickly do my business in the toilet.

After the finals, there was weeklong break for our grades to be released. My friends and I drank to celebrate, and unfortunately, I ended up in somebody else's bed once more.

"Why am I in your bed again?!" Frustrated, I ignored the hangover and stumbled out of bed even when I'm currently naked and full of hickeys.

"You're really dishonest in your usual state, Eu. I really love your drunk state where you'll be clingy towards me and ask for kisses," Louise smirked as she propped up her head on bed with her right arm.

"Come back to bed. We have all day to spare," Louise persuaded, but I resisted.

"Gah! I have become too indulgent! But I will never be in a romantic relationship with anyone!" 

In my heart, I knew that I had accepted her pursuit long ago. But I just can't accept being teased like this! I feel so uncomfortable! I had to regain my grandeur!

So, with my hardened resolve, I avoided all the kisses that she's attempting to do. However, she pinned both my arms over my head into the bed's head then leaned over from above.

Eula might have been affected by the novels she read about overbearing presidents that with the pose Louise did just now, she immediately lost 90% of her fighting spirit, whimpering beneath the girl. Or maybe deep inside, she wanted to be dominated~

"Louise! Stop this!" Eula may have thought that she looks threatening, but with her watery eyes and the sweat falling down her face and body, she just looked seductive. Louise could not resist the temptation and leaned down on the oppressed Eula.

What happened next is up to imagination.

However, the next semester, Eula announced her relationship with Louise to their group of friends.

"As expected," Jennifer remarked. The others were also not surprised.

"Wait, why are you guys not surprised? I mean, I'm now in a relationship with that brat over there," I said as I pointed at the culprit of my raced heart beats sitting in the corner of the room, flipping over a book for our next subject.

"Well, Louise is not exactly hiding her desires for you. And your giving yourself away with how flustered you are whenever the both of you leave the comfort room. It's too obvious," Bianca answered with a shrug.

"Come on, Eula. The second you announced that celibacy thing of yours, you basically failed. Just shut up and be lovers with that girl quietly. We don't need sugar at the beginning of a bloody semester," Emma complained.

I don't get it!

Were they really that intent on pushing me into a relationship?! Well, even if I'm already in a relationship, shouldn't they be reluctant and threat Louise to take better care of me? What kind of friends are they?!

"Sweet, did you finish your assignment for this sub?" I heard a sweet voice calling me, but it also brought me chills.

"I, uhh, I think I forgot?" I tried to act as cute as possible to divert her attention, but Louise just smiled coldly at me then pulled me into her desk to make my assignment.

Wuuu! What kind of girlfriend is she?! This is not a girlfriend, but a mother!

"Finally, someone who can make sure that Eu would graduate this year." Our other friends snickered as I suffered in the hands of my girlfriend.

Hais. I think from the moment I agreed to that relationship when we were freshmen students, my future resolve of being a celibate ceased to exist.

I got a girlfriend who satisfies my adult desires.

She also patiently guides me into doing my forgotten assignments.

Did I… possibly make the most correct decision in my life?

Well, whatever.

What I know is that I enjoy being with Louise, even if I resist on the surface. I love our tiny together moments. I just hope that this feeling will last until we grow old.

Until I forget that declaration of celibacy.

~Fin~