There Is Never A Reason

Deli felt way lighter as I carried her home, even though I was in great pain while doing so. My only consolation was looking up at the sky occasionally, which reminded me of my current predicament and I would barely be able to hold back my laughter. Deli's blood mixed with mine and painted the road behind us, as I traversed through that seemingly infinite forest. It would soon be morning, I wondered what everyone was thinking about where we'd gone. Though, everything had been in such a disarray, people barely had any sense to think about others in Valhalla. It seemed to me that June was the only one that wasn't affected whatsoever. She was always the only constant, and so she remained right to the very end.

Lady had lost it, at least, that's how it seemed to me. Ever since the execution, she'd been by herself. She spent most of the day up on the mound, beside the grave. I once went up to her, to check if she'd recovered from the bruises I gave her. And to my surprise, she had healed perfectly, but now she seemed in a daze as if she really wasn't there. I had always thought that she was a little gone somewhere in there but now I could clearly see that she'd lost her marbles.

"If God does not exist, then everything is permitted", she muttered, "My Prophet is gone...I have no god anymore."

"Lady", I shook her shoulder almost as if rousing her from her sleep.

She didn't even look my way, she looked really dark.

"What are you thinking? Do you want to destroy everything?", I asked, grabbing her arm to get her attention.

"...but they're all wrong", she mumbled, with her lips as dry as sand, flaking away.

"Are you any different then? If you end up doing the same, how can you justify yourself?", I thought about Iori, the friend she had so mercilessly killed back then. I had kept thinking if she really felt no remorse whatsoever, and every time I looked at her, I found nothing but an empty vessel, afraid nor ashamed of doing anything.

But then when I killed Prophet, it only took me a moment too. What I was really afraid of was being as heartless as she is, I didn't want to be like her, and I never wanted to sympathize with her. I didn't want to understand her because if I did, that would mean I had gone as far as she had, and that was too much. There would be no way to come back.

I was thinking about everything as I dragged myself through the forest with Deli in my arms. I looked at her face, which was perfectly still, lifeless. It somehow made me want to stay, why was I even going back? So I stopped, placed her on the ground gently and sat beside her, breathing painfully. I had no courage to check if she was still breathing. I was losing all my strength rapidly, I didn't think I'd be able to get up again. My senses became dull and I forgot what we were doing there. I just kept looking at Deli's face. Busted up as she was, she was still beautiful, at least it wasn't a bad sight to look at. Still, to have distorted her appearance so much, I felt a faint pang in my chest. And I thought about apologizing to her when we got back. Then I sighed and hung my head.

"Why are we even doing this? What's the point?", I was thinking out loud, half dazed.

There was nothing waiting for us, and I had nothing to look forward to. Wasn't this the end already?

As the dawn was breaking, I found it too hard to keep breathing. I was being buried by the weight of my own body, it was suffocating. I wondered whether it'd be fine if I slept beside Deli.

"Oh boy!", that sudden grave sound brought a hint of tears to my eyes. Always the same, unexpected, terrifyingly sudden, and hopeful, like the light at the end of a dark cave. I recognized the voice immediately.

"I heard some loud banging, but boy, this is pretty rough", he always made a point of saying the most preposterous things. I didn't even have the energy to chuckle at this. He proceeded to wrap his huge arm around me and carried Deli on his back, then started towards Valhalla.

The early rays of the sun were breaking into the forest, as I felt myself slipping into a deep sleep, reassured, even in the irresponsible, rough care of Sight. I knew we would make it back just alright.