29

It all started when our (former porn) star, Dixle Normous, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely relieved, Dixle Normous deflowered a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Holy Grail was missing! Immediately he called his former cellmate, Mike Koch. Dixle Normous had known Mike Koch for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Mike Koch was unique. He was attractive though sometimes a little... annoying. Dixle Normous called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Mike Koch picked up to a very nervous Dixle Normous. Mike Koch calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies cringe before mating, yet legless puppies usually surreptitiously cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Dixle Normous. Why was Mike Koch trying to distract Dixle Normous? Because he had snuck out from Dixle Normous's with the Holy Grail only two days prior. It was a saucy little Holy Grail... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Dixle Normous got back to the subject at hand: his Holy Grail. Mike Koch panicked. Relunctantly, Mike Koch invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Holy Grail. Dixle Normous grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Mike Koch realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Holy Grail and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if Dixle Normous took the magic flying carpet, he had take at least five minutes before Dixle Normous would get there. But if he took the Lesta? Then Mike Koch would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Mike Koch was interrupted by seven funny-smelling Dragons that were lured by his Holy Grail. Mike Koch belched; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he randomly reached for his wolverine and thoughtfully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Lesta rolling up. It was Dixle Normous.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Dixle Normous was out of the Lesta and went wildly jaunting toward Mike Koch's front door. Meanwhile inside, Mike Koch was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Holy Grail into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his time machine. Mike Koch was exasperated but at least the Holy Grail was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Mike Koch sassily purred. With a hasty push, Dixle Normous opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying beer-sloshed tool in a curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala),' he lied. 'It's fine,' Mike Koch assured him. Dixle Normous took a seat hilariously close to where Mike Koch had hidden the Holy Grail. Mike Koch yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Dixle Normous was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Mike Koch noticed a abrasive look on Dixle Normous's face. Dixle Normous slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Mike Koch felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Dixle Normous asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Holy Grail right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Dixle Normous's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Dixle Normous nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Mike Koch could react, Dixle Normous randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Holy Grail was plainly in view.

Dixle Normous stared at Mike Koch for what what must've been four hours. Before anyone could take off their pants, Mike Koch groped exotically in Dixle Normous's direction, clearly desperate. Dixle Normous grabbed the Holy Grail and bolted for the door. It was locked. Mike Koch let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Dixle Normous,' he rebuked. Mike Koch always had been a little funny-smelling, so Dixle Normous knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Mike Koch did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his Holy Grail tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Mike Koch looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Dixle Normous. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Dixle Normous. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Mike Koch walked over to the window and looked down. Dixle Normous was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Dixle Normous was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Mike Koch's place. Dixle Normous had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Dragons suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Holy Grail. One by one they latched on to Dixle Normous. Already weakened from his injury, Dixle Normous yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Dragons running off with his Holy Grail.

But then God came down with His intelligent smile and restored Dixle Normous's Holy Grail. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Dragons for their injustice. Then He got in His tricycle and dashed away with the fortitude of one million South American hissing sloths running from a enlarged pack of man-eating capybaras. Dixle Normous fell with joy when he saw this. His Holy Grail was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in nine minutes his favorite TV show, Contest of Seats, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet pipe bomb'). Dixle Normous was pleased. And so, everyone except Mike Koch and a few pipe bomb-toting Indonesian devil cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.